Some of this, some o' that

So here's what I/we have been up to lately...

 

LB celebrated his 6th birthday and Dudely Dude celebrated his first birthday. DD will be turning 8 years old in the near future. Where the heck has time gone???

 

The kids have finished their first quarter of the school year already. LB is doing really well in kindergarten and DD and doing well in 2^ndgrade. BB is in 4th grade this year and not doing so well academically, but his teachers love him and know he is trying his best. We just need to work with him at home more.

 

Dudely Dude is doing great. He is healthy and growing and progressing in his development. Size-wise he’s right about where he should be. Skill-wise I think he’s in the 6-9 month range, but he is constantly learning new things so everyone is pleased. I know I am.

 

Caroling at the Inn is coming up very soon. The innkeeper sounded very excited that we would be doing it again this year (3^rd year in a row!). She said they get so many compliments and people love to listen. I don’t think it’s that we’re that good, I think it’s because it adds to the Christmas atmosphere.

 

At the end of December it will be 2 years since LB or DD have seen or heard from their biological father. The only reason why I keep thinking about this is because we still haven’t initiated the adoption process. You would think 2 years of no contact would be considered abandonment and it would a no-brainer to just let Hubby adopt them with no questions, but I don’t think that’s the case in this state.

 

We’re still dealing with custody issues with BB. I don’t want to say much about it. BB switches between two completely different home-lives (is that even a term?). Yesterday his mother showed up at our house unannounced and proceeded to scream and cuss out Hubby for an hour (I was outside for half of it)…yeah, that needs to stop.

 

Hubby and I started going to the dentist for the first time in over a decade. Considering how long it has been, my teeth are in decent shape. I need some fillings and I need my wisdom teeth removed. I also had two problem teeth I knew about. One he thought would need a root canal, but it didn’t (yay). The other may need a root canal or a big filling. There was another problem tooth that I didn’t even know was a problem. So that one got a root canal. It was painful. Painful on the wallet and my available work leave. Virtually pain-free in all other aspects!

 

Anyway, after 10+ years of avoiding the dentist, I only need the above work and a simple cleaning. Hubby doesn’t need so much work (some fillings and he already had a tooth extracted), but he needs deep cleanings.

 

I used to have daily headaches, but since this root canal was done the headaches have gone away. Well worth the moo-lah spent.

 

After being married and a family for 2.5 years we finally got our first family pictures done. I’m pretty happy with how they turned out.

 

Lastly, I’ve been really working on trying to lose weight. I don’t think I’m overweight, but I’m still 10-15 pounds heavier than I was before Dudely was conceived. I was getting discouraged because I still couldn’t button my pants and I almost had to butter my legs to get skinny jeans on and I still looked pregnant. So I started watching my portions and carb intake. It seems to be working. Slowly, anyway. I actually buttoned my work pants for the first time in months this morning. I think if I can break myself of the habit of drinking sodas all the time my diet will be more effective. I also don’t eat as much junk and I opt for yummy salads or wraps when we eat out. I’m going to start adding in exercise and working out, so I think I’m on the right healthy track!

 

And that is all. Whew.

 

Revelation

During a moment of tearful prayer during my shower a few moments ago, a thought occurred to me for the first time (God speaking, I'm positive) and now I'm sharing it via my phone while sitting wrapped up in a towel on the toilet lid:

I don't think I lost my best friend, I think it's more likely that she needed to remove a toxic person from her life and that toxic person was me. 

I am at peace with that. 

As ridiculous as this sounds, I feel better now because I'm fairly certain that she started feeling better a long time ago.

Thank You, God. 

I have some things to work on.  

Missing someone

I'm going to pretend it hasn't been 3-4 months since I last wrote.

I had the sudden urge to write, so I hopped onto Hubby's laptop and it took so long to get to this point that I don't feel like writing anymore.

Blah.

My favorite holiday has come and gone...it felt less warm and cozy this year as compared to previous years. My parents hosted and for a while it was just me and Hubby and our kids and my parents, just like every Sunday, except BB was able to join us.  My little brother visited for a little bit and then my older brother and his wife and two kids came for the evening.  My oldest brother and his wife didn't come this year. My cousin was visiting with her new boyfriend's family. My aunt and uncle didn't come and my other cousin lives up northern PA now, so I haven't seen her in a while.

It just isn't the same anymore.

I have so much to be thankful for this year, but I'm feeling so lonely that I'm finding it difficult.

I hate to come back and mope around, but I just plain don't have anyone to talk to.

I'm finding myself daydreaming about re-igniting my friendship with my best friend from 5 years ago. I miss her so much. She was the kind of friend who would give me space when I got wrapped up in my own selfish little world...then when I finally snapped out of it she was right there and we would pick up exactly where we left off.

I became too selfish, though, and hurt her. I tell myself that when it came down to her or my children, my children come first. And I think that's true. I don't know if doing what I did is the reason I have them now, but I do know that doing what I did is the reason I don't have her.

Hubby says if she were a true friend she would have understood and we would have worked things out.

I've heard and read over and over that people leave our lives for a reason, but I'm longing to make amends and the proverbial ball is in her court and has been for years.

I'm such a crummy friend that I can't replace her.

It's not that anything in particular is wrong right now. My children are doing great, my marriage is surviving the normal ups and downs and miscommunications, but we still choose to love one another and fall for each other repeatedly. Our jobs are still stable as far as I can tell. Our finances are in good shape. Our health is in good shape.

I guess this post could indicate my mental health isn't.

I can't share these kinds of feelings or anything serious with Hubby anymore. I try, but he always ends up saying something hurtful. I tell him he was hurtful and he expects, "I was just joking" or "I was being sarcastic" to reverse everything.

Then that emotional hurts translates into other aspects of our marriage.

The sad feelings about my friend seem to be hanging around for good. The communication issues within my marriage are short-lived, thank goodness...though they do pop back up eventually.

My goal in writing this is to get it out and find relief.

I hope it works.

This is harder than I thought

I'm completely sucking at daily updating. Ugh. Sometimes I wonder if I should just move on. 

I actually wrote the following during my break last Friday and didn't finish. And I won't finish. Want to know why?

Shortly after my break was over I found out that I got another raise. (Might I add that when I got the call from my manager to come to her office I had an immediate panic attack and said to myself, "This is it...it's all over!")

If that's not a plain-as-day sign from God, I don't know what is. 

I wouldn't even bother posting what I had written, but it was a lot and I spent a good amount of time on it. It also might provide some insight on what anxiety does to people. 

So without further ado:

My anxiety has been kind of uncontrollable lately. I wonder if it’s just because I know I’m not seeing my therapist anymore and I’m overthinking everything.

 

I’ve been catastrophizing like crazy. I constantly feel like someone is angry with me or something is wrong. I dread going into work on Fridays because I’ve been working from home three days prior and I feel like I’ve done something wrong.

 

Changing out of my comfy clothes (fuzzy pants, fluffy socks, oversized junky t-shirt) and into normal clothes would probably help.

 

Anyway, I automatically assume when people don’t respond to my e-mails like they usually do that I really messed something up or something has changed and no one told me, or when I call my team leader with a question and the tone of her voice doesn’t have its typical perky quality I’m going to get fired when I come back into the office.

 

It is a miserable feeling.

 

I know very well that my workplace has an unspoken policy of “no news is good news”. My manager confirmed so herself during my last review. The fact that I only get e-mail reminders of something I may need to remember as I’m doing my work and not a phone call to come to someone’s office to have a closed-door discussion is ideal.  I know I’m doing okay even if I don’t have someone telling me I’m going a great job in the last couple of months.

 

I know that the team leader I go to for help is bogged down with a lot of work and my questions probably come at an inopportune time. She hasn’t been team leader all too long and it’s kind of difficult for me to go from talking to her as a friend to as a boss of sorts.

 

I just wish I could keep these intrusive thoughts from flooding my head. I wish there was a way to get rid of them besides medication. All therapy did was help me push past them so I can function better (and I am thankful for that).  These thoughts cause my heart to race and palpitate…my skin to flush and sweat…my entire body to become jittery and shaking.

 

Sometimes they cause Hubby and me to get into some pretty ridiculous I-don’t-know-whats. I don’t want to say fights or arguments. I always end up being told I’m crazy because I’m worrying about non-issues. The truth of the matter is I just want reassurance and for someone besides my therapist to understand that I can’t control these “crazy” thoughts that won’t stop popping into my head. [Note: I first wrote “pooping” into my head. I think that’s pretty accurate, too.]

 

Another example is this:

 

Yesterday Exhibit A (is that what I called her before?) was supposed to pick up BB from our house. She called me about 20 minutes before her E.T.A. to tell me that she had been run off the road, got a flat tire, and was going to be late picking up BB. She said she was keep me updated. Cool. Glad you’re alright. Sounds good.

 

Then I had the mental battle of sharing this with Hubby. He wasn’t yet home from work. She had asked me not to tell BB why she was late. She didn’t mention Hubby. There are various things going on with her that would cause a red flag to wave with this incident. I decided I would tell him for a few reasons:

 

1. She was likely going to tell him that she was going to keep him longer since she missed what ended up being an hour of her time and I thought he might appreciate the heads up, especially since I knew he would have to tell her that she couldn’t.

2. The possibility of “WHY DIDN’T YOU TELL ME?!” if something were to happen when BB was with her as a result of her accident (car troubles, her troubles, etc.).

3. For documentation/future reference

 

 

Down Syndrome Wednesday

I tried to make a schedule of sorts and I somehow decided that Wednesdays would be dedicated to Dudely and our Down Syndrome adventure.

As I have said many times before: he is doing great.

This Friday he will be 11 weeks post-op and other than a big scar on his chest everything is normal. Well, normal for him.

He does seem to be behind on some skills, but I think that could just be because of the surgery and recovery time.

He's rolling around all over the floor, which I love. I don't love that he rolls onto his belly while he's sleeping and can't seem to roll back over in his bed...so he gets upset in the middle of the night and mommy has to come to the rescue. 

He's starting to put his knees under his belly and push his butt into the air, but he doesn't have quite enough arm strength to lift the upper part of his body. 

Early intervention is having me work on sitting and pivoting with him. 

He doesn't have any teeth yet and I don't see any signs of them showing up any time soon. I read somewhere that kids with Down Syndrome tend to get their teeth later, so that's probably the reason for that.

He's had some good check-ups with the cardiologist and he has his 9 month check-up with the pediatrician next week. I expect that to go well, except he has to have his 6 month vaccinations again due to being on bypass during his surgery. I also hope to get a referral to the clinic that specializes in his condition.

Other peoples' reactions to his Down Syndrome has been mixed. My first experience with someone recognizing it was the new principal at the kids' school. She was the supervisor of some kind of special ed program through the board of education, so she had a lot of good things to say. Good first experience!

One of my coworkers said "he looks Asian" and referred to him as "chinky and happy".

I really don't mind that his features resembles those who are Asian, but I feel like there should be a more tactful way to comment about it. 

Yesterday Hubby's ex (who doesn't even know about it), who he was talking to as if she were BB because he didn't realize it was her, said, "Stop talking to me like I have Down Syndrome!"

Now I really don't want her to know about it. Before I didn't want her to know because it's none of her business, but now it's because I'm pretty sure she'll use it to make hurtful comments. 

Just about everyone who has seen him only comments on how cute he is (besides medical professionals and people who already know), not how he looks a little different or that something might be wrong with him. 

He's still a sweet and happy little boy. I wouldn't change a thing about him. 

Convictions

My bad start to this daily updating routine continues. Oops. Baby steps.

I spent most of my weekend doing overtime, so it doesn't feel like I really had a weekend. I woke up this morning and didn't know why my alarm was sounding so early. I had to find out what day it was before I realized that I was supposed to go to work.

First world problems.

My Sunday School class has been doing a study to read through the Bible in a year. I haven't kept up with my reading, though I haven't not read either. I can come up with as many excuses as I'd like, but nothing can really excuse me from doing it. Adding an extra 10 work hours to my week made me realize that I do have the time to do my daily reading. I think I also have the time to catch up on my reading. So that is what I'm going to work on.

Yesterday the ladies at church finished up a Bible study about the importance of the Sabbath and practicing "Shabbat". I think I spelled that correctly. I didn't keep up with the workbook as we met for our study (see a pattern here?), but it's such an in-depth study that I didn't want to rush through it just to say I kept up.

I think taking some time out of my day or week to clear my head, regroup, fix my focus back on God is going to be awesome. I should have already started, but I guess if it was so easy there wouldn't be a study to help us do it.

While I'm on the subject of convictions, all the hoopla of gay marriage and the supreme court and people placing judgment on others had me thinking.

First I was thinking about whether or not I have judged those who are LGBT. I don't think I have. I don't agree with the lifestyle. I don't think it's right. On the same token I don't think I've ever shown hatred or thought someone was a bad person just because that is the lifestyle he/she lives.

In fact, I've had at least one person who lives that lifestyle judge me because I am a Christian.

But in all this I realized that I have been judging Hubby's best friend because of bad choices he's made in his marriage. I've been judging him because it hits too close to home. I have been purposefully avoiding him. He would come over to our house, I would disappear. Hubby was going somewhere and he would be there? I'm not going. I have talked Hubby out of inviting him and his wife over for dinner. We planned a camping trip and when I found out that there was a good chance that he could be there, I told Hubby that he needs to find a different campground.

I would like to note that I haven't demanded that Hubby avoid him. Just myself. 

Anyway...

I had been thinking about how I treat people and realized that I have not been treating him the way I should be. Jesus, the One who I am supposed to be representing and striving to be like, would not treat someone this way. He would be spending time with him.

After I realized this I had to have the difficult talk with Hubby where I would admit that I was wrong. He's been giving me a hard time about this for a couple years, so he enjoyed my confession a little too much. He has left me alone since, though.

The final step would be to apologize to his friend and his wife for my behavior. I'm not sure I'm big enough yet to do that. We'll be going to the campground in August, so maybe by then I will feel more courageous and apologize if we see them there. I'm sure I deserve whatever response I would receive, but I don't know if I would take it well if it were negative.

I think if I can work on these one thing at a time, I'll be doing alright.

Start of daily postings?!

I've decided I want to try to write here daily.

Ha!

No, really...I'm going to try. Even if it's a goofy little quiz or a novel-long rant, I'm going to attempt it. Maybe I'll have a different theme for every day? For example: Mondays are about work, Tuesdays about Family, Wednesdays are about our Down Sydrome journey (although it's pretty uneventful at the moment), etc.

I wrote this yesterday and forgot to publish it. I'm off to a great start. 

In any case, I'll do a mishmash update now.

Dudely Dude is still doing great.

Hubby and I are doing great.

His job is going great.

My job is going great.

Just about everything is so...great.

It truly is.

I've been teleworking 3 days per week since the end of January. I also received a raise shortly after returning to work after my maternity leave and I've been authorized for some overtime for the last 3 weeks until who knows when. Hubby just accepted a job offer to be a supervisor at his work and his start date is this coming Sunday.

Hubby and I are on the same page now regarding the newest little one. He is glad he is here and says he loves him with all of his heart. Sometimes I don't see it because he doesn't interact or participate much in his care, but I remember he is a male and males can be different when it comes to children. I do see him playing or cuddling with him every once in a while and it is absolutely endearing.

We celebrated our second wedding anniversary about a month and a half ago. I can't believe it has been that long already. Despite all the rough stuff we have been through we still seem to be pretty nuts about each other. There are a lot of little things we still do that keep us connected on a deeper level, I think, like going to bed together every night and honoring our date night every Friday at home. He's still attracted to me and he still gives me butterflies.

Dudely is packing on weight now. He actually gets a big old pot belly after he eats and he's starting to sport the "detachable hands" look, as I call it. You know, that big crease some babies have on their wrists from all the chub.

Because of the additional income we're going to have we are look into adding onto our house or moving. I would much rather do the addition because I don't like moving and I like our house. We've also done some improvements to it that I don't want to leave behind. We had the wood floor on the entry level refinished, painted the kitchen and bought a new lighting fixture (not yet installed...waiting until we paint the ceiling), and we got all new kitchen appliances. It would be nice to move into a newer house with more bedrooms and maybe an extra bathroom that doesn't have monstrous spiders lurking around, but that's not worth the move for me.

I had what I think it my last visit with my therapist yesterday. She seems to think I can manage my anxiety on my own now. She said I taught her a lot about courage. I was like, "Courage? Me?" She said not many people would have made the decision I did about my baby (true) and I did a great job standing up to my husband in a gentle way and sticking my values. She thanked me. That made me feel pretty good. I had never thought I was courageous during that time.

All in all, things have been pretty spectacular around here. I think the only issue has been with BB's custody, but even then it hasn't been terrible-just stressful.

I'll try to update again tomorrow. I don't know what it will be about. I won't be home much and I'll have overtime to squeeze in, so it'll probably be very short. That's a plus!

So until next time...

My little superhero

I don't know how many times I've come on here and started writing or editing a draft I had already started, but some of it just doesn't matter anymore.

They were updates on Dudely and how he's doing, but he is now 1 week post open heart surgery and none of that matters anymore.

He is doing great. We had been told that he would be in the hospital for 10-14 days and because of his Down Syndrome he was more likely to have more complications.

Well, they were wrong.  He was discharged on day five and other than the scabs, tape, and stitches on his chest you wouldn't even know he had just had such a major surgery. I am so proud of my little boy.

I already notice some positive differences since his heart was fixed.  He doesn't sweat every time he nurses. He doesn't fall asleep as much when he nurses. He likes to play longer, even with limitations on what he is allowed to do. I can't wait to see the other changes after he is fully recovered.

He is on a diuretic to prevent fluid build-up in his chest. We have tylenol and oxycodone handy for pain, but he hadn't needed it. 

This whole situation just proves God's power and goodness and that you can't make assumptions about Down Syndrome.

I wish everyone could see it and believe it.

Need a bigger plate

Things have been a little crazy here lately. 

Do I say that every time I actually post something?

I have at least two completely different posts stuck in draft mode just because things are happening so fast that I can't keep up. I don't know if it's worth rehashing everything or just skipping to what's going on now. 

Dudely is over 5 months old now. He will be having his open heart surgery in a little over a month. The cardiologist says he's an excellent candidate for the surgery. He's happy and healthy as far as I can tell, but he hasn't grown much in the last couple of months. I mean, he is learning new things and developing that way, but he's physically about the same size as he was 2 months ago. I hope it's just because of his heart and he will grow faster after he recovers from surgery. 

Hubby finally had his court date on Wednesday and things are pretty much the same except changes were made that would allow us to have some peace and quiet. BB will be going back to church (and it will be the one I attend, which I think is great!) and she has to go to therapy. I think maybe now my brain will settle down and I won't be posting those little short bursts of an entry just to get something off my chest. 

We're going to attempt to start the adoption process soon for DD and LB, which will mean that I have to contact X for the first time in almost a year and a half. I have no idea how he will react. I have a really hard time believing that he could possibly care about them after no contact whatsoever for so long. 

They're starting a crochet club of sorts at church that I want to join. I'm not sure I can keep up with it, though. There's also a bible study I want to do and we've been going to Bible study on Wednesday nights and I'm still leading the choir and I have a secret sister who I'm sure feels neglected...

I'm trying to make it to at least all of BB's baseball games with the kids. It seems like he's going to have two per week for the next couple of months. 

Why on earth do I keep adding more to my plate? This isn't like me at all.

I can't tell if I really have a lot going on or if I just feel like I do and I'm being overly dramatic. 

Oh kay

Today she showed up at our house uninvited and called the police when I wouldn't open the door. 

Man, I am winning at life. 

Every woman's fear

Yesterday Hubby's ex-wife (did I call her Exhibit A before?) told him in many more inappropriate and vulgar words that they should get back together. 

Part of me wants to rip into her, but the better part of me feels like it doesn't even deserve acknowledgement from either of us.

I cannot wait to talk with my therapist this afternoon. It makes me sick to my stomach. 

ASMR

So I wanted to talk about this glorious thing I discovered about a year ago called ASMR. 

It's something that is a bit out of the ordinary for me to look into or talk about, but some things make more sense now that I know about it and it is a powerful sleep aid for me. 

For as long as I can remember, I have enjoyed certain sounds: the crinkling of paper (specifically when someone has written on it and it becomes debossed), shoes clicking on the floor or crunching on gravel, tapping noises, certain sounds made by different accents, typing so a keyboard, the sound of a pencil or pen tapping on the table as someone writes, the sound of someone cutting hair and the shears and comb clicking together, chewing gum sounds (sometimes), etc. 

They're all sounds I tried to replicate, but it's just not the same as when some else makes the sounds. 

I have a physical reaction to these sounds as well as sometimes when someone does something for me (like when my team leader at work came up to drop off my pend report on my desk). I can't describe it. I get a funny sensation in the back of my head and neck and sometimes it radiates into my throat and jaw. I also tend to feel it in my hands and sometimes in my back. It almost tickles. It feels pretty good and I can't predict when it's going to happen. I never knew what it was and didn't pay much attention to it. 

Then about a year ago, I saw a link to an article in the sidebar of f@c3b00k that had a description that caught my eye. I clicked it, thinking it was weird and I couldn't believe people experienced something like that. As I read on, the description fit me to a T and other people experienced the same "tingles" as I do. 

Come to find out, there are thousands of videos on the Internet that are made just to make people feel those sensations. 

At first I felt like it was wrong. Maybe because someone likened it to a "brain orgasm". I was so fascinated by it, though, that I kept watching the videos. Actually, I would start the videos, then lock the screen on my phone so I could just listen to the audio. 

It relaxes me so much that I fall asleep within minutes. During nights when I feel wide awake when I go to bed or can't fall asleep because I can't shut my brain off, I will pop my headphones in, start listening to a video, and be asleep in no time. As a bonus, I almost always make it through the night without waking up. 

I used it this morning when I was about to walk out the door to go to work, then found out that I could telework and as a result has almost 2 more hours to sleep. I was wide awake and decided to turn on one of my go-to videos for sleep. The video is 40 minutes long and up until this morning I never stayed awake for even 5 minutes of it. I think this morning I listened to 15-20 minutes. 

I wish I had known about this years ago. I have had sleeping problems for so long up until now. 

I talked to my therapist about it and she said she had never heard of it, but thought it sounded like a good thing for me. Then she told me it sounds like I'm a synesthete. 

I guess that's my ASMR story.  My next update should be about Dudelydoo. 

New title

I changed the title of my blog. I bought a t-shirt with that phrase on it and it's so true. The majority of what I write about will probably have to do with it because it certainly comes with some challenges and I currently have no one to talk to who can relate. 

My little tour guide never ceases to amaze me and I feel so fortunate to have him in my life. Things are going so much better than I anticipated. I don't expect it to stay that way. 

I've been working on an update, but it's been difficult to find time to write. And of course the longer I take to update, the longer the update will be. 

Heh. 

So if anyone is still reading, please hang in there.