Affirmations

It was suggested in therapy yesterday that I repeat some affirmations to myself in order to boost myself esteem and confidence so I can push myself through some of the situations that trigger anxiety or I try to avoid as much as possible.  She said to start with seemingly trivial things if I have to.

She gave me a sheet of some common ones and today at work I filled the back side of it with my own personalized ones.  I found myself wanting to qualify each one with a reason why, but I decided that part of this is not thinking into it too much and I decided to leave it as a simple statement.

I didn't think I'd fill the whole page.  And as silly as some of them may seem, I feel a lot better when I read over them and I think about that.  I had to write things that I can believe.

So without further ado, my affirmations:

• I am confident that God oversees all and will provide for my every need.
• I am a Child of God.
• I am capable of praying whenever I want to.
• I am capable of doing my job.
• I am confident that I am a good employee.
• I meet my goals at work.
• I am capable of paying out-of-network claims without formal training.
• I am capable of using our new work system properly.
• I am capable of interpreting an 837.
• I am capable of keeping relationships without having to be someone other than myself.
• I am a good wife.
• I am capable of being affectionate with [Hubby].
• I enjoy being married and sharing my life with [Hubby].
• I am confident that I have an amazing husband who loves me.
• I am capable of taking care of my children.
• I am confident that I am a good mother.
• I make good decisions for my children.
• I enjoy being a mother and sharing my life with [BB], [DD], and [LB].
• I am confident that my children are in a safe place when I am not home.
• I am capable of cooking good food.
• I am confident that I am a good cook.
• I am capable of singing on key and harmonizing whenever I want to.
• I am capable of playing the piano.
• I can create time to read.
• Changing my name with social security and the MVA is important to me and I will get it done.
• I am intelligent.
• I am empathetic.
• I am a good listener.
• I am a good speller.
• I accept that I am human, that I sometimes make mistakes.
• I am capable of admitting and correcting my mistakes.
• I am confident that I have learned from my mistakes, and as a result make good decisions.
• I am capable of asking for help if I need to.
• I am also capable of using logical reasoning to solve problems on my own.
• I am capable of giving my best in all that I do.
• I am confident that I give my best in all that I do.
• I am confident that I am good at applying makeup.
• I am responsible with money.
• I am capable of speaking another language.
• I am confident that I am good at typing.

Assumptions are bad

I've been back to see the psychiatrist once and I saw the psychologist last week and will see her again tonight.  Last week the psychologist interviewed me, I guess to diagnose me as best as she could and to start to come up with a treatment plan.

She thinks I have social anxiety and generalized anxiety.   That makes sense.  I felt pretty confident that this therapy will work after meeting with her.

I saw the psychiatrist again yesterday and I don't think I like him.  He was asking me some of the same questions he did last time, then he said asked me how my marriage is (again).  I told him it's great and he said he felt last time like I said the same thing, but there was more I wasn't telling him.  I told him that compared to my first marriage it definitely IS great, and we do have things we have to discuss and work through, like normal couples, but I didn't think it was anything out of the ordinary.  He wanted specifics.  I told him that we debate over what to do with BB and how to coordinate things with BB's mother...heated discussions about how much time he spends with his best friend or doing his hobbies...how I'm actively involved in my church and Hubby's inability to do it with me due to work.

THEN, the doctor asked about the drinking problem I previously mentioned that he had.  I never ever said Hubby has a drinking problem.  He doesn't drink any more than I do.  I don't think I ever said anything about drinking except when they asked me if I drink and I said that we have a drink or two sometimes on our date nights on Fridays after the kids go to bed, that's it, nothing excessive.

I don't know if he's just assuming things or if this is what doctors do in the mental health field in order to try and get people open up, but I found it alarming.  Fortunately, I don't have to see him again for another 2 months.

I have been part of a team at work to use a new claims system.  I go down to work on it today and the leader told me that I was going back upstairs until further notice because they don't have enough computers.  I had to go back down to get my notebook because I had been storing it in a cabinet down there and everyone else on the team is still there, plus the four new people.

This is where I start to overthink things.  I know if I did something wrong and they didn't want me on the team anymore, they would have said so.  I should take it at face value and not think about it anymore, but that's really difficult.  I try to tell myself that maybe they chose me to go upstairs because I wasn't there for the meeting yesterday when they decided this (if they even had one) or maybe because they think I'm comfortable enough with the program and feel like I don't need more time.

Reviews and raises are coming up, too, so that doesn't help.

We're on cycle 4 now...playing the waiting game.  Things look and feel a little different this time around.  Normally my temps are all over the place and I've had at least one below my coverline.  This time it keeps going up.  Slow rise, I think it's called.  Last time it was a fall-back rise.  My pre-O temps were more consistent than usual and there was a huge drop around O time, then a huge rise the next day.  I have less physical signs this time, but the ones I do have aren't typical post-O signs for me.  I guess I'll find out in about a week and a half, huh.  I don't think I'm so antsy this time around.  It's still something we want, but I guess I'm not expecting it this time.  I didn't think it would take this long (I guess we're 5 months in now).

I'm trying to focus more on God and the blessings in life.  Not that I have a lot of bad things going on, it's just easy to lose sight of those things with daily stresses and random things that come up.

Ending note: I may not know why things happen the way they do at work, but I'm so very thankful to have a job.

Distracting myself = Productiveness

So...

I think this is the first time sitting at my home computer and writing since I moved.

Everything else I've done is usually written on an e-mail draft or notepad page and then copied and posted on my phone or ipad.

The hubster is back from his trip.  I can't tell if he enjoyed his trip or not.  He keeps talking about it, but also says he's so glad to be home.  I didn't enjoy him not being here, but I sure did accomplish a lot.

He left Thursday night.  I think that was the first time he had ever seen me cry.  He wanted to know what I was so worried about.  I wasn't really worried about anything, I just didn't want him to leave.  The tears were uncontrollable.  I wound up crying myself to sleep that night and my eyes were swollen until after lunch break on Friday.

I worked on Friday and that evening my younger brother and his wife came over for dinner to keep me company.  They brought some adult beverages, which we enjoyed, and they left around 11 pm.  I cried again, but I didn't fall asleep that way.

Saturday I did all the laundry spent all day rearranging the cupboards in the kitchen.  It wasn't my plan for the day, but it sure was funny last night when he got home and went to get a drink and couldn't find the glasses.  I was cleaning off the countertops and moving things that I didn't like.  I moved the knife block and spice rack next to the stove and decided that the rest of the spices and cooking ingredients should be near the stove, too.  Out went the cups and mugs, in went the spices and such as well as measuring cups, mixing bowls and storage containers.  Cups went into where the spices were, while I decided the mugs should be near the coffee maker.  Out went the kids' dishes and other random things that were in there and in went the coffee mugs and water bottles that we don't use much.  Then I decided that the rest of the nicer dishes and wine glasses can go in the cupboard with the glass cups.  Out went those dishes and in went the kids' stuff.  Ta-da!

So it wasn't intentional. More of a domino effect.

Sunday we went to church and I had nursery duty (5 kids 2 and under in there...3 were under a year old).  I forgot to mention that BB's mother had him all this time, but she did let him return to church.  Yay!  We had an early dinner out with my parents, then I took a nap at their house and went home to clean while the kiddos spent the night at my parents' house.  I vacuumed the entire house, cleaned our bedroom, put away all the laundry, changed our sheets, washed all the dishes, took out the trash...I think that's it.

Who wouldn't want to go away on a trip with no running water, cooped up in a little cabin with 3 or 4 other men, not changing clothes or shaving for 5 days, and come home to a clean house?

I went to work on Monday and anxiously awaited the return of my husband.

He was good about sending me messages when he could and he called once or twice a day despite bad cell service.  I did cry at least a little every day.  I tried not to let on that I was upset whenever we hung up, but he told me he could hear it in my voice.

I tried to tell him that it would be so much easier if I didn't get upset like that.  I don't like feeling that way, but I can't help it.

He seemed truly happy to see me when he came through the door.  He dropped all his stuff right when got inside with a huge smile on his face and then gathered me up in his arms for big hug and a kiss.

Even though it makes me anxious to hear him talk about guns and shooting things (don't ask...I don't know why), I let him talk and talk and mull over things and watched him eat the leftover lasagna soup that he likes so much.

I thought I would sleep better last night, but I think I'd gotten used to the silence of the house and had trouble falling asleep.  I think I tossed and turned for over 2 hours.

Today is a snow day for me.  The kids are off school anyway, but I decided to err on the side of caution and stay home.  I'm glad I did.  Hubby went to work, though.  Because of his job, he doesn't know when he'll be home.

The psychologist called me to see if I wanted to try and make it in or reschedule.  So my first meeting with her has been postponed until I reschedule, hopefully for later this week.  I just need to muster up the nerve to call the office.

The kids are playing nicely and it's rather calm around here.

Time to go start on a crock pot dinner that I think Hubby will enjoy to the max!

And the verdict is...

...panic disorder and agoraphobia. CBT starts next week. I hope and pray this helps. 

Finally Taking Care of Some Business

Well, that cycle was another no-go.  I thought for sure it had to be it this time because everything seemed to be set up perfectly, but it just didn't happen that way.  I had a routine visit with the gyn earlier this week and because of the routine questions she knows what's going on.  She said she hopes the next time she sees me it's for a baby.  Me, too.

Also because of that appointment I'm finally going to be evaluated and treated for my anxiety.  Doctors ask if I've experienced anxiety or depression and I've always said yes, but she didn't seem concerned until this time. She said the nurse would call the doctor and I probably wouldn't be seen for 2 months.  Well, the behavioral health folks called me the next day and I'm being evaluated (and diagnosed?) next week and my first session with the psychologist is the week after.

Maybe they just mixed up their words: weeks...months.  Similar enough, I guess.  Ha.  Actually, the person who was scheduling me said she didn't expect me to be able to get in so fast.  I'm feeling like this means that I really need this.  I'm hoping it will also help me with how much I worry and my issues with certain sounds and whatever else is uncovered.

It has been interfering with my job lately, though there are ways to get around it.  I just don't think it's quite what my bosses would like to see from me.

Fortunately, though, when it comes to the kids I can overcome my anxiety.  It's mostly just with things pertaining to just me.

Next week Hubby is leaving on a hunting trip for a few days.  We keep butting heads over it.  I'm not making him stay home, but I feel like with these appointments coming up and the custody issues with BB he's abandoning me and choosing something else over his family.  This is something we discussed before we got married, but I'll tell you what...there's a huge difference between a conversation about a hypothetical situation and actually being in that situation.  I said that a trip once per year wouldn't be too much before.  But we haven't been married a year and it's actually time that he is going somewhere and I just plain don't want him to go.  He also mentioned that he left on trips before and I did just fine.  Well, we weren't living together then and I didn't have an additional child under my care.  Gosh, what would I do if he were to leave and there's a fourth child?!

Not to mention that he doesn't want to tell his ex when he's going, so whenever she finds out, she can come over and demand to have BB and I don't have any choice but to do what she wants because I don't have any rights.  I had told him to go ahead and let BB stay with her to avoid any conflict and he said when he offered her this extra time if she'll start bringing him back to church, she said she didn't want him.

They had also just been arguing about something else, so she was emotional and I don't think she knows what she was saying.

I can't help but feel like the timing of the appointments means that something big is going to happen.

I guess all I can do is just keep praying.

2013 in review

I don't think I've done one of these since 2009, so here goes nothing!

1. What did you do in 2013 that you'd never done before?

Well, I've been engaged and married before and I've also bought a house before, but the thing I haven't done before is doing it all in 3 months!

 

2. Did you keep your new years resolutions, and will you make more for next year?

I don't make resolutions anymore because never keep them.

 

3. Did anyone close to you give birth?

A couple girls at church had babies and a couple co-workers, but no family.

 

4. Did anyone close to you die?

A church friend passed away in March and my aunt passed away in December.

 

5. What countries did you visit?

I didn't visit any countries this year.

 

6. What would you like to have in 2014 that you lacked in 2013?

I don't feel like I lacked anything in 2013.  I feel extremely blessed.  I would like extend my family by one, but we'll see.

 

7. What date in 2013 will remain etched upon your memory, and why?

Three dates...February 22 is the day we got engaged.  May 18 is the day we got married.  May 21 is the day we bought and moved into our home.

 

8. What was your biggest acheivement of the year?

Being called "mom" and told "I love you" by my step-son.

 

9. What was your biggest failure?

I was informed that I failed as a parent during the church service on Christmas Eve.

 

10. Did you suffer illness or injury?

Nothing besides the usual minor stuff.

 

11. What was the best thing you bought?

Our house!

 

12. Whose behavior merits celebration?

The kids' for adapting to their new home life with flying colors.

 

13. Whose behavior made your appalled and upset?

There are a few I could nominate, but as of the last couple of weeks, Hubby's ex wins this one.

 

14. Where did most of your money go?

Bills and Christmas gifts.

 

15. What did you get really, really, really excited about?

Marrying the best man I've ever known.

 

16. What song will always remind you of 2013?

Hmm...normally this one is really easy, but I'll think about it.

 

17. Compared to this time last year, are you happier or sadder?

Happier x infinity!

 

ii. thinner or fatter?

Fatter.

 

iii. richer or poorer?

Richer in more ways that one.

 

18. What do you wish you'd done more of?

Setting boundaries for the kids and sticking to them.

 

19. What do you wish you'd done less of?

Worrying.  Always worrying.

 

20. How did you spend Christmas?

We slept in until about 7 a.m., woke up to the kids whispering excitedly, had breakfast/coffee, opened gifts, in-laws came over a little before 10 a.m., started dinner in the crockpot, opened their gifts, had brunch of donuts/danish/fruit, chilled out, BB went to his mother's at noon, had dinner of 3 envelope london broil roast with carrots and potatoes and rice around 6 pm, MIL washed dishes while I bathed the kids, BB came home around 8 pm and in-laws left shortly after, bedtime.

 

21. Did you fall in love in 2013?

I fell in love with my new life and family.

 

22. How many one-night stands?

Zero.  Duh.

 

23. What was your favorite TV program?

It's a tie between Catfish and The Sing Off (even though I couldn't watch most of it because it came on so late and I go to bed so early).

 

24. Do you hate anyone now that you didn't hate this time last year?

No...though I've had some strong feelings of dislike at times.  I generally give people the benefit of the doubt despite what I've heard from others, but they're starting to prove others right.

 

25. What was the best book you read?

"Gone Girl" by Gillian Flynn

 

26. What was your greatest musical discovery?

I'm not sure I had one this year, or at least it wasn't great enough to come to mind.

 

27. What did you want and get?

The kind of life I've known I was supposed to have for just about the last 10 years.

 

28. What was your favorite film of this year?

We just saw "Prisoners" and it was very good.  Kind of disturbing, but good.

 

29. What did you do on your birthday, and how old were you?

I turned 29 and I think I it was just a normal day.

 

30. What's one thing that would have made your year immeasurably more satisyfing?

You know, it would have been nice to have BB 100% of the time and it would have been nice if Hubby could come to church with me every Sunday and it would have been nice to not hear from X at the end of the year, but I am very happy with how the entire year went--even without those things.

 

31. How would you describe your personal fashion concept in 2013?

Comfort and warmth are still #1!

 

32. What kept you sane?

God.  Always God.

 

33.  Which celebrity/public figure did you fancy the most?

No one.

 

34.  What political issue stirred you the most?

Hearing things about abortion or marriage nowadays stirs me, though I don't say anything about it.

 

35. Who did you miss?

My grandparents

 

36. Who was the best new person you met?

I don't think I met anyone new.

 

37.  Tell us a valuable life lesson you learned in 2013:

Trust God.  Everything will work out according to His plan and if your decisions align with His Will everything goes so perfectly that it seems too good to be true!!!

 

38.  Quote a song lyric that sums up your year:

See #16.