Days 11-18 of 30 Days of Thankful

Day 11 -- I'm thankful for my church family.  I've grown up in that church.  They've watched me go through the different phases of my life and they have been so supportive and encouraging.  I'm really thankful that my children can grow up in that church, too.

 

Day 12 -- I'm thankful for music.  It speaks to me in a way nothing else does. It's not the lyrics of a song that does it, though I do enjoy the words of most songs.  It's the harmony.  It's the arrangement.  It's the instruments.  It's the fullness of the sounds.  It's the beat, the rhythm, the phrasing, the complexity.  It cheers me up.  It calms me down.  It helps me cry when I didn't know I needed to.  It gives me chills.  It helps me concentrate.  I am so thankful for music.

 

Day 13 -- I'm thankful for the church choir.  I didn't know I could ever successfully direct or lead anything.  The people in that group are so much fun and they are so talented and make a wonderful choir.  I think what we present is God-pleasing and most of the time there is a moment in whatever song we're sharing that I'm moved to tears.  I've done things I never thought I could do, and several times the group as a whole didn't think we could accomplish a rather daunting idea I had, but we did and we did it pretty well.  Working with that group is very uplifting and we have a good time together.

 

Day 14 -- I'm thankful for our Pastor.  He's been with us for about 2 years now, I think, and while I loved our old Pastor, I think the new one has caused some necessary changes and he keeps us all in check.  I think he has facilitated a new life of the church and God is going to do great things with him.

Day 15 -- I'm thankful for the interim Pastor who stepped in while the search was going on for the new pastor and I was in the middle of one of the most difficult times of my life.  He wasn't around long, but every sermon he presented was something that applied to my life at the time.  I even asked my mother if she had talked to him about me because it felt like what he had prepared was specifically for me.  God worked wonders through him because when I was at my lowest, his sermons were exactly what I needed to feel convicted and start heading on the right path.

Day 16 -- I'm thankful for financial stability.  Hubby and I have both come from relationships that destroyed our credit and it's exciting to know watch things improve and help each other make it even better.  It's wonderful not to be stressed about money all the time.  We're not monetarily wealthy by any means, but we are comfortable with where we are and for that I am thankful.

Day 17 -- I'm thankful to be able to buy groceries and cook.  I'm thankful to give my family healthy meals that they enjoy...most of the time.

Day 18 -- This day of thankful falls on our 1/2 year anniversary.  I'm thankful to have a Christ-centered marriage.  It's difficult to maintain because I end up going to church alone nearly 100% of the time, but Hubby is open to discuss God's place in our marriage at any time and we hold each other accountable.  It's refreshing and encouraging and it makes me love H/him even more.

Time is ticking away

I have been so incredibly tired lately.  It started last week and it has slowly gotten worse and worse.  I think I'm just not catching up on my sleep.  I get 6 hours or less of sleep on week nights and 2 sleep in days on the weekend, but I'm up late for one of those nights...and I'm up late on Monday.

I turn 28 next Thursday.  Ugh...I can't believe I'm that old.  BF had me take off one day next week so we can do something for my birthday, but he won't tell me what we'll be doing.  With the little bit of information he gave me, I have an idea of what I think it is, but I'm not telling!

His birthday is a little over 2 weeks later and I have no idea what to do.  I'm getting pretty anxious about it.  I don't know if my mom will keep letting me take a day off work and the kids, especially since less than a week after his birthday, I'll be gone for one or two nights for that reunion.

The reunion is less than a month away now.  Ahhhhh!

And his mom is pressuring him about meeting me and I think that will be happening soon.  Ahhhhh!

He's moving with G-ma as of next Saturday.  I'm not going into how she's related to him.  It's too messy and some people will probably think it's kind of weird because they don't know the kind of relationship he has with that family.  He said it's because he wants to save money for what it's our time.

I don't know exactly what he means.  I don't know if he means saving for a ring, or a down payment on a house, or something else I'm missing.

He did say he has a plan, though he didn't tell me what the plan is.  All he told me is that G-ma keeps asking him when we're going to get hitched and he told her that he wanted to date me for at least a year.  Our first date was at the end of October...that's not that far away.

I do feel a little better knowing that there's more time, though.  I freak myself out thinking about these things.

I hate being afraid to make a commitment like that again.  I have no doubt that I would be happy with him for the rest of my life.  We are compatible in more ways than not, I think, and in the ways we're different, we complete each other.

That sounds really cheesy.

But I can't help but wonder if the things that have come up to make us take things slowly maybe aren't there to force or remind us to take our time, but maybe to make sure we never get there because it's not supposed to happen?

Or my worst fear is that it finally sinks in that I'm not as great as he thinks I am.

I know this is anxiety talking.  I'm thankful for this 4 month or so buffer I still have to get my brain in gear so I can stop worrying so much.

My mom keeps saying that I need to get him saved before anything happens because that's what God wants.  I'm struggling with it.

I think it's kind of hypocritical because she married my dad when he wasn't saved but she was.

He knows how important that part of my life is to me.  He knows that's why I won't live with him now or why I think it's so important to save sex for marriage.  He came to a few Bible studies with me and actually enjoyed it.  We had good conversation about the lessons and we've even had discussions about things on our own and I know it has had him thinking.  He's on the right path in his life...he has the right heart, it's obvious.

But to tell him that he has to be a Christian before we can take that next step...I feel like I'd be trying to force him into doing something that he isn't ready to do or maybe doesn't want to.  I don't want him to do something just to get what he wants or because he thinks it'll make me happy.  If he's going to do that, it needs to be because it's what he's led to do.  I feel like the most I can do is reiterate how important my relationship with God is to me and to ask that he just support me in it the best that he can and whatever happens, happens.

Is that wrong?

We still have who knows how long before the next step is taken, if it even happens and anything can happen in that amount of time.

Oh how I wish I had all the answers.