Grab a snack, this is a long 'un

Lots of good stuff going on, I think. I hope writing it here doesn't jinx it!

First, I'm writing this here blog on a 'toy' that I got for myself with part of my tax refund. It's an iPad!!! The mini one. I had some issues setting it up, but it's all good to go now and I'm loving it. I can pretty much type like I would using a normal keyboard, which is really nice and much faster than using the one or two thumb method on my phone.

Second, I may or may not have gotten one of these for BF for Valentine's Day. Shhhh...

Third, after a crappy morning followed by a bad mood all day, BF called me out of the blue about half an hour before I wanted to be at the church for choir practice and offered to watch the kids for me. And I'll tell you what...my choir members (especially the women) were more than impressed that he offered to do it without my asking. I can't even begin to describe the kind of reaction they had. It was some mixture of really?! and that's a special guy right there and ohhh things must be serious for him to do that! I'll be honest, when they asked where the kids were and I gave them a brief explanation, I didn't expect that kind of response. It made me feel pretty good, though. They're always asking about him and how things are going and telling me how they think he's such a good guy.

Fourth and lastly (I think), and this is a pretty big one, we're taking a mini family vacation at the end of the month. We (me, BF, BFS, DD, DS) are renting a townhouse for two nights at a beautiful nearby resort. We'll leave on a Friday, spend Saturday snow tubing with the kiddos, then leave Sunday morning. He keeps calling it a romantic getaway, but I can't let myself think of it that way. We may have evenings to spend together after the kids go to bed (IF they go to bed), but I feel like the rest of the time will be spent rushing around and worrying about the three little ones we'll have with us. I have my thoughts on why he would call it a romantic getaway, but I can't let my heart settle on that, either. I do think it'll be fun and it will be good to get to spend that time together, I just don't think it'll be so much romantic as it will be time with family.

Oh. I guess this is the last thing. My parents have been away on vacation for a few days. I've been getting up at 3:30 every morning this week to get the kids to daycare and myself to work or to meet up with BF and carpool. It's been interesting the exhausting. Tomorrow is the last super early morning and for that I am thankful. Every morning before I leave I have to feed and get all the pets ready for the day...the two kitties downstairs, three kitties outside, and living barbecue...err, I mean, the bird down in the sunroom...get the fireplace burning so it'll be hot enough to heat the house all day, get myself ready, get my kids and their stuff ready for the day.

In all this I discovered that the water heater is on the fritz. Monday morning I was greeted with a scalding hot shower. Tuesday was freezing cold shower (ultimately no shower at all...ew). Reset the heater Tuesday night, get a scalding hot shower Wednesday morning. Thursday morning? Freezing cold. I predict Friday morning will be scalding again, since I reset it again this afternoon.

This morning sucked. I didn't get to carpool with BF and I didn't think I'd get to see him at all today. I stabbed myself with a piece of wood so badly that I bled. Freezing shower. Cat managed to get inside while I was feeding them outside and I had to chase him down. Wifi was down here, so I couldn't download my favorite podcast to listen to at work. I know that last one sounds dumb, but I look forward to it and it makes a couple hours of my morning go by faster. All of this was in the first hour I was awake.

I have to say, though, that BF has been so helpful. He's kept me company during most of the evenings my parents have been gone. He watched the kids tonight, which was very helpful. Tonight and another night he went outside and brought in lots of firewood so I wouldn't have to go out and do it myself until the next time he comes over. I didn't ask him to, he just did it. He went out to get us dinner one night and brought BFS over to play and we looked at rental places together.

It's little good things like that that far outweigh any of the other things I have complained about or things we have semi-argued about or ways we've unintentionally hurt each other. It's those little good things that make me feel like if we get married, life is going to be so much better because we help each other in so many different ways. And if we don't get married, I'm just going to enjoy every minute of this while he's still here with me.

I don't feel like I explained that right, but at least I know what I mean. Ha!

Oh. And really lastly, and then I'll call it a night, I took the kids out for dinner last night and a random person who sat near us complimented the kids on how well behaved they are. Then this afternoon DD, out of the blue, told me that I'm a good mommy.

Despite how hard this week has been...and I still have some more time to go...my heart is overflowing with love and appreciation right now.

/end book

You are not him, this I know.

Yet again I'm ever so thankful for the fact that BF and I can discuss things. Had a rough couple of days due to conclusions being made based on assumptions.

The air has been cleared, things are back to normal...I think we both need to work on realizing that we not each others' exes. Clearly!

Define: Soon

So.

I have a lot to write, but I don't know where to start.

Hmm...

I still haven't heard from X. It's been long enough that's not making any sense to me now. I mean, I had a really strong feeling this would happen, but I just don't understand why. Why would he want to talk to DD on her birthday and meet up with us outside of regular visitation and seem to care and then when he has the chance to do it some more, with the possibility that we could work out something that would give him more time with them, he does nothing? And to top it off, the last time he saw them, he told them that he would take them to Chuck3Ch33s3 and they bring it up almost every day. BF and I took them and BFS there on Wednesday to see if it would get their mind off of it, but they wanted their father to come, too, and that same night when I was getting DD ready for bed, she brought up going with him on Mondays again.

I don't understand her attachment to him. Granted, almost every time he saw them toward the end of last year, he had presents for them. But she remembers when she would spend time at his house and she told me that she cried because she wanted me and didn't want to be there. I think she's just making the connection that Mommies and Daddies have a relationship of some sort. She also brings up how he and I hadn't seen each other for a long time. I don't know how she would know this. She says she just knows. I told her that it was okay that I hadn't seen him and she said it wasn't and "What if he wants to see you?!?!?!" She also threw in there somewhere something about me and him being married.

All I can tell her about all this is that he and I hurt each others' feelings too much to be able to do any of that. I also told her (and maybe this is wrong of me) that one day I could marry someone who could never be her daddy, but he can care about her and love her like a daddy. I didn't name names.

Last Saturday I successfully cooked dinner for the first time in my entire life. Yeah, I know that's pretty bad. I remember attempting a dinner when I was married, but it dried out because I didn't cover it as it baked. Then any other time I tried to cook X took over or he didn't let me cook at all. I tried to cook a chicken dish a few weeks ago and the kids wouldn't eat it and it was very bland and dry. So I tried my hand at lasagna soup and it was great! The kids picked at it, but said it tasted good. BF devoured his and his son's and took home leftovers, and a couple days ago he wanted to know if there was still any left that he could have!

Needless to say, I felt pretty proud of myself. Today I'm going to try to make a zesty italian chicken dish. It's a crock pot meal and it looks delicious. I have to make my own italian seasoning, though. It's in a white sauce and poured over pasta.  Mmm...

Regarding the apartment issue, BF had asked me if getting engaged would change my mind (before I discovered the apartment wasn't going to work with my budget). He wasn't trying to talk me out of it, but I think he was concerned what would happen if I moved out and then he proposed. And of course he was saying that I know that it's going to happen soon. I think soon for him is different than soon for me. When I tell my kids we're going to do something soon, I mean in 1-2 weeks. I'm pretty sure he's been saying "soon" since before Thanksgiving. So I'm not going to think too much about that and try to plan around something that probably isn't going to happen my kind of "soon". So I have a certain invisible deadline/timeline where if it doesn't happen, then I will start looking for an apartment again. I'm not using it as an ultimatum for him, since he doesn't know that's my plan, it's just me allowing more time for things to happen before going through with my own plans.

I hope there's nothing wrong with doing that.

Besides, my annual review is coming up at work in February...or at least it should be. It's possible that I could get another raise, though I'm not expecting it at all. I can't imagine getting another one. I didn't expect any of them that I did get. So I want to wait and see what happens with that. If it falls after my invisible deadline, then I'll push the deadline back a little, or at least until I do get my review.

Now I think it's time to bundle myself and the kids up and go out to play in the snow!!

On a happier note...

Supervised visitation is no more.  Or at least the way we've been doing it, it's no more. The lady who has been supervising got pretty upset with X when he didn't show that week and after she called and left him numerous messages and never got to talk to him, she decided it had been long enough and that he's unmotivated and we're out of their jurisdiction now, so they weren't going to do it anymore.  She said that we're smart enough to figure something out on our own.

So last Monday was the last one.  I'm kind of glad that I got to take them up there for it because I had the opportunity to say goodbye and thank her for everything she did for us.

Guess how soon I heard from X about arranging something else?

...I'm still waiting to hear from him. That boggles BF's mind because he said if it were him, he would have called the next day, if not that same night. I've tried to explain to him that this is the way it has always been. I'm curious how long it will be before I do hear from him. Then I have the thought that maybe it's my responsibility to try to set things up. But my part of the situation is ideal. I don't want to change anything. So I keep telling myself that if he really wants to see them and he really wants something to change, then HE needs to initiate and reach out to make something happen.

I'll work with him. He knows this from our meeting a few weeks ago. But if he thinks I'll switch to unsupervised, he's lost his mind.

Regarding those last few entries again...

BF and I talked a lot about stuff last night and some time during the week we talked about the whole engagement/marriage thing. I tried to put my feelings in a way that he would understand by saying it's like if I were to agree to move in with him and say I was doing things to get ready to move it, but not telling him what I'm doing. Then keep saying the same things over and over...yes, I'm getting ready to move in, I just can't do it yet...there are things holding me up, but I'm working on them. No visible evidence that would show that I'm actually doing something about it, just what I say. Then 6 months go by and I still haven't moved in. I know he would be really frustrated and hound me about what's taking so long or he would think I'm lying and I really don't want to move in at all.

I think he finally got it and hasn't brought up anything since.

And while I complain a lot (these blogs I keep tend to be for venting, since I feel like I have no one to talk to about these things), I do love him dearly. I get frustrated and a little emotionally hurt, but I still can't imagine spending my life with anyone else. And the hurt and frustration are nothing compared to the other good feelings I have the rest of the time.

And if I spend the rest of my life dating him, I'm okay with that. I don't think I've ever been this happy in my entire life.  Well, besides the days my children were born. I was so happy I cried on those days. But as a whole, even having been through what I have been through and not being in an ideal living situation, I'm so happy with BF and BFS and my kiddos and I don't want to lose any of it if it meant that I would lose any of them.

So if he wants to propose, he will do it when he's ready to.

Until that happens, I will continue to enjoy what we do have because it is amazing and I wouldn't trade it for the world.

Consistently inconsistent

I should get extra points for being consistently inconsistent. As much as I want to update on a regular basis, I never do. I think about it a couple times per week, but I don't feel like I have anything important enough to say.

The same feelings I had in the last real entry I wrote are still there. Not the borderline mental, medication-induced feelings that I didn't realize were affecting others.

People keep asking me about when I'm going to get engaged.  I just shrug my shoulders or throw my hands up in the air or just give them the good ol' "I don't know".

I almost feel like this is a form of emotional torture.

Nearly every day there's mention of living together, "When we get married...", "things will be changing soon...", questions of what kind of wedding I'd want, etc.

As far as I'm concerned, there's no wedding to plan for. No house to look for. For me, it's IF we get married.

I feel like a spoiled brat, getting in a bad mood because it hasn't happened yet and he's making me hope for it so badly.

He says in his head we're already married. I think I've mentioned that before. The reality is, again, that we are not. We're not even on the road to getting married.

This has been going on for months now.

My mom mentioned the other night that she thought for sure it would have happened before the new year. She thinks he's just afraid. He and I have talked about it before and he says he's not.

The thing is, it's been so long of hearing it that I'm starting to not believe him.

My first thought when he says how much he misses me or how much he wishes we were living together already or he can't wait until the day we are married is "Yeah, right".

That's not normal.  *frowny face*

Actions speak louder than words...and all there is is words.  Lots of them.  Lots of the same words. Sounds coming out of his mouth.

I've told him that I don't believe him sometimes.

I don't know who is the one who is abnormal, here.  Me or him. It has me frustrated to the point of tears. I feel like I'm doing something wrong.

I thought if someone wanted something that badly, they would get it as soon as they could. I also thought that men typically kept these things to themselves until the day it happens...I mean, I have prior experience with that part.

I'm just going to take a moment...  p98y t4 saeu,sam4 m,.tmn,zdf.vbmc qer

I feel a little better now.

In other news, my kids are 3 and 5 years old now.  I had some nice cuddle time with DD before she went to bed this evening. They are both jigsaw puzzle lovers and are constantly putting them together. They also play really well together and it's cute to hear them pretending to play house. They also know how to fight like professionals.

There have been some custody/visitation issues. My mom won't take the kids to visitation anymore, so I have to start leaving work early every Monday. So no more date night for me and BF. X has been bad about making it to visitation.  He has cancelled quite a bit over the last couple of months and the last scheduled one, he didn't even show. The people who supervise want to close our case. I did meet up with him outside of normal visitation so he could see the kids and give them birthday/Christmas gifts. BF came with me, of course. That was a little uncomfortable.

BF wants to talk now, so I guess I'll close. Maybe I'll write more tomorrow...probably not.

Randomness, like usual

The kiddos and I had a semi-successful Christmas shopping trip this evening.  We went to the mall and picked up some things for a few people. It's getting harder and harder to shop for people..and now I think it's been long enough that I've known BF and his son that I think they should get separate gifts from me and the kids.

I'm debating whether or not I should give X a gift from the kids or not.  Last year I sent them a wrapped framed picture of them to give to him.  I don't know if he cared about it or not.  I just ordered prints of our 2012 portraits and ordered an extra 5x7 of one of them. I guess I should give it to them to pass along to him.

Anyway, the unplanned Christmas shopping trip happened because BF is at a bachelor party tonight and I didn't want to be sitting around thinking about how he would normally be here with me.  I think the kids really liked it, though, and it got us out of the house.  They were pretty well behaved and I rewarded them with small milkshakes, which they've never had before.  DD thought it was "soooooooo good".

This morning I had brunch with BF, his mother, and BFS. I'm not much of a talker and neither was his mom. I don't know how it went. I mean, nothing bad happened, but I don't know how she felt it went. I guess I'll find out soon enough. I sat in the backseat of the car with BFS for part of our time out and I think he really liked it. It was a rather nice short bonding time with him.

And on a random note, I made a cool discovery this morning. Well, not really a discovery.  I had read somewhere a long time ago that using hair conditioner as a shaving cream works really well. So I switched hair products recently and had some leftover conditioner and finally decided to try it that way. It was amazing! I switched razors a few months ago and while I had less irritation after shaving, the shave wasn't as close (which is probably why I had less irritation) and I was using a foaming shaving lotion. Using the conditioner gave a super close shave. So close that even after I got out of the shower and had goosebumps on my legs, I still didn't feel any hair. And there's no razor burn or irritation.  I may just switch to conditioner from now on and skip the gel/cream.

So, as a beauty tip -- and possibly a money-saving tip -- use your leftover conditioner as a shaving cream!  It works!  The only downside is I can't see exactly where I shaved last. BUT that's not a deal breaker for me.

I guess that's it for now.  Until next time...

Fifth time's a charm

I don't know how many times I've sat down at the computer, typed out an entire entry, then ended up deleting the while thing and walked away. I think I've done it at least 4 times.  Hopefully this doesn't turn into the fifth. Haha!

So many things have been going on that I just don't feel like I've written enough when I do write.  I don't know why I feel like I have to fully disclose everything.  I guess I like to look back and re-read these things from time to time, but I don't think there would be anything important that I absolutely have a to have included.

Actually, there are two things: we celebrated DS's third birthday at the end of October and my and BF's first exclusive dating anniversary.

I can't believe DS is 3 years old. It feels like he was just born yesterday, and now he's a walking, talking, master jigsaw puzzle solving, alphabet reciting, singing, block building, counting, almost preschooler.  Last year he didn't do much of anything of those things.  He has grown so much.  And he's such a sweet little guy.  He's a cuddler, for sure. If he spots me sitting down, he has to sit on my lap.  When I pick him up from daycare or come home after work, he immediately runs up to me and grabs my legs and nuzzles his face into them.

I'm really glad BF has gotten to see him grow in this way. When we're all out together in public, he looks like he could be their father...though not in looks.  But the way they cling to him and he takes charge in looking after them, it could easily be mistaken. If someone asks, he is quick to point out that BFS is his own and the other two are mine.

It's so awkward, but I guess that's what you're supposed to do.

I haven't seen BFS all that much, but I feel like we made some great strides a few days ago during family night.  BF and I spent the day together for our anniversary and then picked up BFS from the bus stop and then my kids from daycare. Then we all went to the grocery store to pick up dinner items and BFS held my hand for the first time!  And sometimes he'd grab my arm and rest his head against it.  I thought my heart was going to explode, it was so touching and I felt so close to him just in that moment.

So despite not spending a lot of time with him, maybe 3 hours a week, we're making progress.

Speaking of progress...BF has been talking marriage a lot lately.  He said he was looking at rings and he keeps asking me about wedding plans and picking a warmer anniversary date. I still struggle with talking about future plans when at this point it's not a guarantee that we have anything to plan for.  Granted, even when we are engaged it's not a guarantee, but it's certainly more likely to happen. Yesterday he said he can't wait until I'm his wife, and I wanted to say, "THAT'S WHAT AN ENGAGED MAN WOULD SAY TO HIS FIANCEE!!!"  But I didn't.  Because I'm not psycho and I don't want to push him into something before he's ready.  Though I don't think I'd really be pushing...but if it's what he wanted now, you'd think it would already be done. Does that make sense?

I honestly think that in his head we're already engaged.  I think if he could, he'd skip that whole part and just get married right away.

I guess that's a good thing.  I thought it was usually women who thought that way, but he has certainly made it clear that he is more than ready and super excited to move onto that part of our lives together.

I think I'm officially meeting his mom next weekend. That randomly came up when we talked last night. I'm thinking that's the thing he's been waiting for before we do move forward.

So I have a gut feeling that there could be some exciting news to be shared in the near future, though I'm not going to try to predict when.

I guess that's all for now.  I think I'll actually post this one!

Until next time...

As someone who cares

Well...so far, so good on the pill front.  I've only been on the new one for about 2 full weeks, but I feel pretty normal.  I haven't had any irrational thoughts and I'm not breaking out too badly.  The doctor/nurse said it would take a few months to become accustomed to it, but I'm pretty happy with them right now.

X has been asking to discuss with me over the last few months the situation with the kids.  Between taking 24+ hours to reply or replying when I'm already in bed, it would go up to two months before he'd mention anything again.  So couple weeks ago we finally "discussed" the situation and got nowhere.  He told me before that nothing that is in the current custody order is an issue anymore, which I know is not the case.  I know he and TOW (who, from now on will be known as XW) are together and that they're expecting a child at the end of the month.  I alluded the fact that I know more than he thinks I know and that his dishonesty and lack of good judgment are huge issues for me.  He made it seem like I was referring to divorce issues and basically told me that anything that needed to be discussed couldn't be done outside of a courtroom.

So I'm waiting for something from the court.

If he thinks for a second that I'm willingly going to let him take my children around someone who is abusive, he is out of his mind.  It's bad enough that he's putting himself in that situation (and soon his newborn son) and if that's what he wants to do, I don't care, but why in the world would he want to subject his kids to that?  Even if she didn't do anything to them, it's bad enough if they see them fighting or abusing each other.

I truly do just want to protect them.  They are healthy and they are happy and in no way am I punishing them like he says I am.  And I don't know how he thinks he can take them out to do things when he can't even pay his child support and he has another kid on the way who he will have to support and care for as well.

I'll just have to wait and see what happens.

Things with BF seem to be going well, still.  I had a few days where I was feeling a bit dejected by him and Monday we had a heart to heart about it.  I hadn't said anything to him about it because I was trying to figure out if it was something that I was supposed to be upset about or if I was being unreasonable.  We had watched a movie about a couple that had been engaged for 5 years and things got really bad over that period of time.  After the movie was over he was asking me if I was having doubts about him and all the stuff on my mind came out.

The bad thing was that I had no solution for anything I said.  They were just feelings I had and I still had no clue what to make of them.

The good thing was that he listened.  He listened!  Oh my gosh, I can't even begin to tell you how nice it was to be able to talk to someone like that not have the blame immediately placed on me or to be told that I'm being ridiculous.  He said that my feelings are my feelings and I shouldn't feel bad for what I feel.  He tried to talk it out with me and has since made an effort to try and fix things, even though we don't even know if those things are really a problem or even the root of the problem.

Just talking about it made me feel better.  Now that I'm writing, I think the problem may have been that I felt like he just didn't or wouldn't care.  The things he did added to the things he said (and those things probably shouldn't have been added together) just didn't send out a good message and I didn't think he would care how I felt or even want to talk about it.

But he did care and he did want to talk.

Words can't describe how much I appreciate that and how much it makes me adore him even more.  Thinking about it gets me a little choked up.

Yeah, I have no doubts.  I don't know for certain what the future holds, but I do know that he is a truly good man and I am so blessed for having him in my life.

Now I can't stop smiling!

One year already?!

Tomorrow it will be one year since my divorce was finalized.

Time flies when you're having fun, right?!

I can't believe it's been that long already, yet sometimes it feels like it should be the third year.

I was trying to remember where I was at this point last year.  I don't mean physically. I didn't write but one entry last August and then the next was in November after I had already met BF and started falling for him.

I think this time last year I was anxious for it to be over, not knowing the emotional roller-coaster that was coming.  I thought I knew what I was going to do.  I thought I knew who I was going to date.  I had everything planned out in my head until the day I found out that it was all over (which wasn't until September 2 or 3, I don't think).  I was excited, but confused.  I realized that they guy I thought I was going to date wasn't who I wanted to date.  I told him that I didn't think he was in a place where he should be dating (he spent most of our talks telling me why he was such a bad person instead of trying to convince me that he was a great person and ready to be who he wanted to be).  But I also realized that I needed some time to be truly alone.

I don't think I've talked to that guy since.  He sent me a message this past January and I didn't reply...it was weird.  He was trying to explain how he couldn't explain his behavior and that he hoped we could be friends again and that he was dating someone and saw I was dating someone and that he's happy for the both of us.  He also said that it would be his last communication with me until he heard from me.  So I decided to leave well enough alone.

Anyway, I feel like that whole other mess was directing me to where I am now: successful at my job, mother of two healthy and happy children, loved by a gentle giant.

That's the best way I can describe him.  Gentle giant.  I never in a million years would have predicted that this good-looking 6'3" man would have such a big heart, be such a good dad, be capable of loving the way he does, be adored by my kids and return the adoration, be more ticklish than I am, or fall for someone like me.

I should probably save stuff like that for my entry at our 1 year dating mark.

I feel like I'm right where I'm supposed to be.  Things seem to be moving at a reasonable pace.

As terrible and mind-numbing as it was, I'm thankful for all the things I had to deal with for those 8 years.  I'll still be dealing with it to some extent for the next 15 years, but I have someone who says he will stand by me through it all.

I'll say it again: God has been so good to me.

I survived

Well, I finally realized that certain things didn't work on that last template I used.  I tried to change to something else, but blogger wouldn't accept the code.  So I'll just stick to a pre-made one already on here that I know will work.

I survived the reunion weekend!  We left Friday right after work and drove up to Pittsburgh.  BFS is a good traveler.  Anyway, after some traffic and nearly going to the wrong hotel, we finally got to our destination at about 10:30 pm.  I met his dad and step-mom that evening.  It was pretty brief, so shortly thereafter we retired to our rooms and went to bed.

Next day we had brunch with his parents and then headed to the reunion.  BF said there would only be 30 or so people there, but I think it was more like 50!  He didn't really know anyone, so we pal-ed around together the entire time and spent some more time talking to his parents (thus, I got to know them a bit better).

There was lots of stuff to do there.  There was fishing, horseshoes and some other games, horsey rides for the kids, lots of food and drinks...and there was more, but for the life of me, I can't remember what it is.  BFS had a mental checklist of things he wanted to do while he was there.  It was kind of cute and I'm pretty sure he did all of it.

After that, we had dinner/dessert with his parents and then retired to bed.

Sunday, we had breakfast with his parents and then headed home.  BF had to drop BFS off with his ex, then he came back over for game night with my parents.

He said that his parents like me and they both have the same good feeling about me.  That is such a hugely humongous-ly gigantic relief!  I liked them, too.  They were very nice and welcoming and I enjoyed talking to them.  They told me that they expected me to come down and visit with BF and BFS if they come down during the winter (ahhhhh!!!).

Even though we spent just about every second of 48 hours together, I felt like it had just been another trip to work.  I don't know if that made sense.  It didn't feel like we actually saw each other as much as we did.  Maybe it's because we were so busy the entire time.  He said he felt the same way.  I don't know if that's a good or bad thing.  I guess it's good...it's better than feeling like the weekend dragged on and we got sick of each other.

We've actually seen each other every day for over two weeks now.  And not just for 5 minutes.  I just doesn't feel like that much.

Last night we went to a local baseball game together (our team won and they had fantastic fireworks afterwards!) and today it feels like I didn't even see him.

He's been talking about wedding stuff and houses lately.  He showed me a house that he wants in WV and he wanted to know if I liked it.  I am so close to grabbing his face in my hands and making him look me in the eye while I tell him, "You're thinking about this all out of order!!!!!"

I can't make him propose, but I feel like that needs to happen before I even toy with the idea of anything else.

And funny enough, he was talking about a cruise wedding and yesterday I get something in the mail for the first time from a major cruise line.

All of this is still so exciting and scary and somehow depressing.

Oh well.

In other news, I've been keeping up with my walking/running.  I ran before work yesterday and one of my feet went numb.  I googled it and it looks like when people have this problem it because of their shoes or socks.  I haven't tightened the laces on my shoes since I got them and I know they're broken in by now.  So I hope it's just because it was already 80 degrees outside so my feet probably swelled a little and my sock had gotten messed up.

I'm being beckoned by my mother.  Later!

Run run run

One of my least favorite things about writing here is that I don't know how to start an entry.  I don't know how many times I sit down to write and then don't because I can't even figure out the first sentence.

How lame.

Things have been rather uneventful over the last two weeks, I think.  I have trouble remembering what happens from day to day because it feels like time is going so incredibly fast.  The year is already over halfway over and so much is coming up...or at least it feels like there so much coming up.

One of the office assistants had her last day of work two Fridays ago, so this week I and a co-worker (I'll call her Leigh) have been alternating days being office assistants.  I kind of like it.  It gives me a break from paying claims and it gives me something different to think about.  It also helps keep my production up, I think, which makes me look good.  Or better, anyway.

I carpooled with BF Monday through Thursday.  It's nice to be able to save some gas, but I really like getting to see him first thing in the morning.  And it's nice to ride with someone (and the fact that it's him makes it so much better).  It makes me dislike Fridays, though.  He doesn't work on Friday and I typically don't get to see him at all...which is what happened yesterday.  Seeing each other for more than just 5 minutes every day since Saturday and then a day with nothing at all feels kind of crappy.

I went for a run last Saturday.  Actually, it was more like a power walk than a run.  I probably ran/jogged .75 miles total and briskly walked the rest of the time.  I splurged on a pair of nice running shoes to get myself motivated.  They weren't too expensive, I don't think, but they were more than I would typically spend on a pair of shoes and they had a good rating and looked like they were good quality.  It was a brand I've worn before and they are silver and black and hot pink!

Anyway, I figured if I had a pair of running shoes then I'd probably be more motivated to get up early and run.  The only problem is that I'd only have time to do it on the weekends, which doesn't seem like it would be that helpful.

I was talking to my co-worker/friend and mentioned the running and how I was thinking about trying to do something like that before work, since I arrive an hour before my shift starts, and she said that she would try to get there early, too, and walk with me.

Yay!

So we actually walked about 2.5 miles before work on Thursday and Friday, which kicked my butt and made me feel exhausted for the entire day.  But when I ran this morning, I actually ran more on the same route I used last weekend and my time was better.  I use an app on my phone to keep track of it, which is kind of fun.  Then I can see my progress.

This morning was even better because BF got up early and met me at the end of a nearby road on his bike and we did most of my run/walk together.  I like doing that with someone because I feel safer and it's nice to have someone to talk to.  I really like that he was willing to get up early on his 'Sunday' and do it with me.  When we got back to the house, we sat outside in the cool air and chatted for about 45 minutes.

Ah, he's such a wonderful boyfriend.  I'm so undeserving of him.

His birthday is on Sunday, but what I want to do for his birthday can't be done until August.  So I have a plan of something small I can do in honor of his birthday.  He'll be 31 years old.  It's kind of weird to think that he's nearly 3 years older than I am.  He's such a big kid, it's easy to forget.

This upcoming Friday is when we leave for his family reunion.  I am so incredibly nervous, it isn't funny.  I'll not just be meeting his parents, I'll be meeting practically his entire extended family on his dad's side all at the same time.  I hope his parents like me as much as he says they will.  Sometimes I do or say dumb things out of nervousness and anxiety and people get the wrong idea.  Or I'm extremely shy and I come across as being a snob or being self-righteous, which I'm not.  I guess I'll find out soon enough.  I think we're leaving right after I get home from work, so I'll have to have my stuff packed up before I go to bed on Thursday.

Today would've been an extremely busy day, except I'm not super woman.  I was asked to do some overtime at work this morning, but I don't have childcare (although BF said he would watch the kids if I wanted him to).  There's one of those hosted parties this afternoon, except it's two separate parties smooshed into one big 4 hour party.  Then my niece and nephew are having a combined birthday party this afternoon.  So my hopes of doing something for BF's birthday today were dashed and I knew I could only opt for one activity, so I chose the family birthday party.

It's still going to be a fairly busy day.  Running this morning, then getting a shower and feeding the kids, then going out to the store to get what I need for BF's little surprise, then lunch and naptime, then running out the door for the birthday party, rushing home to get them in bed at a decent hour and then hopefully spending the evening with BF after he drops BFS off with his mother.

Weekends just don't feel like weekends anymore.

I've got no powah

The power went out Friday night.

We didn't have power all day Saturday.  It was so incredibly hot inside that the kids were drenched in sweat and so was I.  We have a generator, but we used it for the refrigerator and to charge our phones and it made me very grouchy and all I wanted was to be able to take a shower.  BF kept checking in throughout the day to see if the power came back, which it hadn't, then at about 3 pm he told me he'd be back in Gma's and said I could take a shower there.

So the kids and I piled in my car and went over there...only 2-3 miles away, with electricity and air conditioning...and we all were bathed and enjoying the cool air for a little while.  Gma is such a sweet woman and I can't thank her enough for letting us use her shower.

To be courteous, I made sure everything was clean when I left and I brought my own towels and soap so she wouldn't feel so put out for allowing us to do that.

Then BF and his son and me and my kids headed out to grab some dinner.  I was already still grouchy because of being in the heat all day long and BF was on the edge because of I don't know what.  I'll be honest with you, dinner was not fun that evening.

I didn't get the kids in bed that night until the sun went down just because I wanted their room to have a chance to cool a little bit.  It didn't cool down at all because there was no air circulating throughout the house to get the warm air out.

BF came shortly after 8 pm and helped my dad install a window fan.  Then the air started moving a bit.  After the kids were in bed and everything else was settled, BF and I went outside to talk for a while in the cool night air.  We sat in these metal chairs near the main entrance.

He told me that he was thinking about this plan that he has and that he feels like he's procrastinating with "us" and he doesn't know why.  He said he wasn't sure he would ever get to where he wants to be with this plan that he's not telling me.  All he said is that by next spring, he thinks he'll be where he wants to be financially.  I don't know what means.  I was asking questions to try and understand, but they really got me nowhere.

He then said he had a blanket in his truck and we could go halfway down the driveway and lay down to look at the stars.

What a neat idea.  :)  So that's what we did.  We laid there and kept talking.  He asked me where I wanted to be by this time next year and I honestly don't know.  All I know is where I want to end up, but I don't know how to get there.  And it's not like I can have a plan...He seems to have this schedule set in his head for how he wants things to be done and no plan of mine can change that.

We talked about the fears we have and I told him my fear of making that kind of commitment again.  I'm so glad that he seemed to understand and didn't think it was weird.

I really enjoyed that time with him.  It's definitely something I'll remember for a long time.

The power came back on at about 5 am this morning.

The power was still out at the church, so there was no service.  I spent some time outside with DD and DS and got some sun.  Then they had lunch and went down for a nap.  I took a nap, too, and had the most horrible dream.

I dreamt that I had been pulled over by a police officer and with the way he was talking to me, he was going to make sure he was going to do everything possible to make sure that I was going to jail.  He did a search on me before he took me to wherever he took me...then I waited in that room for a long time, knowing that he was going to come back and do a cavity search.  In this dream, he was pulling over lots of people and doing the same thing, putting us all in this holding room.  I had an iP@d and my cell phone and I was trying to contact someone on the outside for help and the devices wouldn't work.  They didn't have good service or kept falling apart.

Then I woke up.  That probably sounds really dumb, but when I was in the middle of it, it was horrifying!

Some time today, I got a text from my coworker friend, telling me that there is no work tomorrow because there is still no power down there.  I was excited at first, then realized that there would be no date night because I'd then be taking them to visitation, which is fine.  BF and I had already been trying to discuss what we were going to do, so I was little disappointed.  I think he's going to come with us, though.  The kids are excited that I get to take them up there and DD likes that BF will likely be tagging along.  My mom said that after visitation and after we get them fed, we can drop them off and resume our usual date night.

I'm not sure what we'll be doing because it'll be late by the time we get back, but I appreciate that my mom will still let us have some alone time together.

I'm pretty happy that I get this extra time with the kids tomorrow.  DS is so lovey and affectionate, I can't get enough of his cuddling.  I like to watch him and DD interact and learn from each other (mostly him learning from her).  And DD is too stinkin' smart for her own good.  She knows exactly how to manipulate things so that she gets what she wants and I don't realize it until it's already done.

Well, I guess that's all for now.  I don't know why I've been writing so much lately.

Until next time...

Time is ticking away

I have been so incredibly tired lately.  It started last week and it has slowly gotten worse and worse.  I think I'm just not catching up on my sleep.  I get 6 hours or less of sleep on week nights and 2 sleep in days on the weekend, but I'm up late for one of those nights...and I'm up late on Monday.

I turn 28 next Thursday.  Ugh...I can't believe I'm that old.  BF had me take off one day next week so we can do something for my birthday, but he won't tell me what we'll be doing.  With the little bit of information he gave me, I have an idea of what I think it is, but I'm not telling!

His birthday is a little over 2 weeks later and I have no idea what to do.  I'm getting pretty anxious about it.  I don't know if my mom will keep letting me take a day off work and the kids, especially since less than a week after his birthday, I'll be gone for one or two nights for that reunion.

The reunion is less than a month away now.  Ahhhhh!

And his mom is pressuring him about meeting me and I think that will be happening soon.  Ahhhhh!

He's moving with G-ma as of next Saturday.  I'm not going into how she's related to him.  It's too messy and some people will probably think it's kind of weird because they don't know the kind of relationship he has with that family.  He said it's because he wants to save money for what it's our time.

I don't know exactly what he means.  I don't know if he means saving for a ring, or a down payment on a house, or something else I'm missing.

He did say he has a plan, though he didn't tell me what the plan is.  All he told me is that G-ma keeps asking him when we're going to get hitched and he told her that he wanted to date me for at least a year.  Our first date was at the end of October...that's not that far away.

I do feel a little better knowing that there's more time, though.  I freak myself out thinking about these things.

I hate being afraid to make a commitment like that again.  I have no doubt that I would be happy with him for the rest of my life.  We are compatible in more ways than not, I think, and in the ways we're different, we complete each other.

That sounds really cheesy.

But I can't help but wonder if the things that have come up to make us take things slowly maybe aren't there to force or remind us to take our time, but maybe to make sure we never get there because it's not supposed to happen?

Or my worst fear is that it finally sinks in that I'm not as great as he thinks I am.

I know this is anxiety talking.  I'm thankful for this 4 month or so buffer I still have to get my brain in gear so I can stop worrying so much.

My mom keeps saying that I need to get him saved before anything happens because that's what God wants.  I'm struggling with it.

I think it's kind of hypocritical because she married my dad when he wasn't saved but she was.

He knows how important that part of my life is to me.  He knows that's why I won't live with him now or why I think it's so important to save sex for marriage.  He came to a few Bible studies with me and actually enjoyed it.  We had good conversation about the lessons and we've even had discussions about things on our own and I know it has had him thinking.  He's on the right path in his life...he has the right heart, it's obvious.

But to tell him that he has to be a Christian before we can take that next step...I feel like I'd be trying to force him into doing something that he isn't ready to do or maybe doesn't want to.  I don't want him to do something just to get what he wants or because he thinks it'll make me happy.  If he's going to do that, it needs to be because it's what he's led to do.  I feel like the most I can do is reiterate how important my relationship with God is to me and to ask that he just support me in it the best that he can and whatever happens, happens.

Is that wrong?

We still have who knows how long before the next step is taken, if it even happens and anything can happen in that amount of time.

Oh how I wish I had all the answers.

Moving along...

This is another one of those entries written in a new e-mail page.

There has been LOTS going on in the last week.

My little brother got married last weekend. I was a bridesmaid and DD and DS were one of the flower girls and ring bearers. It was very stressful for me, but they did a good job. My now sister-in-law (more like a sister) had 6 bridesmaids and only gave us a color sample for our dress and then told us to go pick out whatever we want from whereever we want. I got laughed out of one store and the next store I went to had colors that were a shade darker and a shade lighter. I took a chance and ordered a dress a shade darker. By some miracle, everyone's dress was a different style and length, but by golly, all of the dresses were about that same color! I thought that was pretty neat and was relieved that it worked out so well. My main concern was that it would end up being distracting if all of the dresses were entirely different. But they weren't and I think the wedding went well and the bride looked gorgeous like she always does and my brother looked very happy to be marrying her.

I'm so glad it's over. :)

Wednesday was my first anniversary at my current job. It doesn't feel like I've been here that long. I always talk about my job like I just started not long ago, but then I think about how much I've learned in the year I've been here and all of the good things that have happened and based on that, I should have been here longer. I've certainly been blessed and I feel like with how well things are going, I feel like this is where I'm supposed to be. My desk was moved again on Monday. I'm now on the second floor of the building in a little glass room with 3 other people. My desk is much bigger than the last one I had and it looks pretty nice. Instead of a countertop, it's a dark wood counter space (facade, I'm pretty sure, but it's still rather pretty). I'm not sure how the powers that be determine who goes where because it doesn't make much sense, who gets moved next to each other, but I'm not going to complain.

Things with BF are going splendidly. The subject of marriage and weddings has come up a lot lately, especially with last weekend's events. Quite a few people are talking about how we're next...people openly say it on my fb page and in passing at church. Even my mom has insinuated it. BF says that people at his work are talking about it, too. We have talked about it...trying to figure out what we might want to do when we get to the point where we can start planning. After all the drama and stress of this last wedding and hearing horror stories and drama about 2 weddings that one of my co-worker friends was in, I really have no interest in a wedding. Neither does he. We have both been married and planned a wedding before. I know for a fact that having a wedding isn't what makes a marriage last, so I don't particularly care.

The thing is, though, that I think too many other people actually care and would want to be there. Too many people have watched us go through our divorces and hard times and they seem to be excited that he and I have found each other. My mom keeps suggesting something small and intimate...like a family-only wedding and then have a reception where anyone can come. Someone else suggested going to the courthouse and then just having a party to celebrate.

I really like that so many people seem to approve of him and us. It's much different than having people not say anything at all and then tell me later that they never liked the guy and didn't think we should be together.

I guess we'll have lots of time to get it figured out. He doesn't want to take the next step until his parents have met me...which will be happening next month (yikes). I'm going to the family reunion for his dad's side of the family and his dad and step-mom are coming up. While he only spent a couple hours with my parents when he met them, I'm going to be with these people for 2 days or so. If they don't like me, there's not a thing I can do. He doesn't think that will be the case, but it's still scary to think about.

So after that weekend, anything can happen.

I truly never thought that we would end up where we are now. I am so thankful to have him in my life and I hope none of this is too good to be true.

My kids still adore him and they get along really well with BFS. My mom adores BFS and really likes BF. I think my dad likes him, too. He's not very vocal about such things...but he had mentioned things to my mom and makes jokes here and there about marriage.

In other news, I've been slacking on the workouts. I had too much going and just couldn't motivate myself to do it in my spare time. So I plan to start that back up this evening after work. Maybe it'll help me with the sleepiness I've had lately.

I suppose that's all for now.

Commitment issues

I'm kinda not liking springtime.

I got all comfy and cozy in the routine BF and I had gotten into with spending time with each other and our kids.  Now that the weather is nicer, we're seeing each other less just because more things are coming up.

I knew that was going to happen, but I wasn't mentally prepared for it...especially since we had been able to see each other a lot more in the past few weeks.

This weekend he's on a two night bachelor-party-camping trip.

I didn't even know there was such a thing, but I guess a bachelor party can be anything you want it to be, I guess.  This is the world of people who actually like to spend time outdoors.

I have to give him lots of credit, though.  He was texting me a bit last night and called twice.  And since he's off work on Sunday, he made it sound like he's going to make every effort to get home early enough to clean up and come with me to church.

I am not used to this.  I've known him for 7 months or so and I still don't expect him to be so thoughtful or try so hard.  And now that I think about it, it's really not trying at all...it should be something that someone would want to do for someone they care about.

He and X are so entirely different and I can't help comparing them.  In my head I keep thinking that he's going to act the way X did, but he doesn't.  He never does and for that I am thankful.

Like, X would have left on this trip (if he were really going where he said he would be going) and I wouldn't have heard a peep from him until the trip was over unless I contacted him first, which would have been a disaster because he would accuse me of checking up on him.  And I guarantee you he wouldn't be going out of his way without my asking to come with me to church.

I'm figuring out that the majority of men do not act like X.   I wish I could make myself remember that all the time, especially when it comes to BF.

BF also make comments on a daily basis on how he can't wait until I am his all the time and we can say good night every night in person instead of over the phone.  He says that I am the love of his life and he will love me for the rest of his life.

Well, the feeling is definitely mutual and I daydream about a future with him constantly.  However, I am still thankful for the things that prevent us from being able to rush our way to that point and force us to think about and discuss things well in advance.

And I'm still terrified that he's going to wake up on morning (whether we're living together or not) and suddenly realize that I'm not all that he thinks I am.  I mean, I've been 100% me this entire time.  He knows lots of unappealing things about me and he knows the good things about me.  I'm pretty sure he actually knows who I am and not what he thinks I am.  But I still can't grasp what makes him so drawn to me.  The last thing I want is for us to get married and have him realize this and then feel like he's stuck.

Of course, I think he worries about the same thing, only it'll be me coming to this realization about him.

I wonder if those kinds of thoughts are normal.

In other news, work is going pretty well.  The kids are healthy and seem to be happy, but they've been fighting a lot lately.  DS has packed on some weight in the last couple of weeks and has become a little chubber.

I've been keeping up with my exercising.  My weight's been sticking between 106 and 110, which I am happy about, and I think that fluctuation just has to do with where I am in my cycle.  My mom noticed that my legs are becoming rather shapely.  I have never in my life had shapely legs!!  My arms are definitely toned and it's causing veins I didn't even know I had to pop out.  I also have shoulder/neck muscle tone.  I'm not sure if I like that...it's not very feminine.  Overall, I'm happy with exercising and it's something I want to do and feel pretty bad if I miss a day.

I gave myself a pedicure this morning while waiting for it to warm up outside.  I'll take the kids out the play and wash my car.

I guess that's it for now.

Until next time...

Super duper fabulous week

This week has been pretty darn fantastic.

I've gotten to spend lots of time with BF and his son (three family nights this week!).  We also had our brief date night on Monday and BF will be coming over this evening.

I took off work on Wednesday because I had a child support conference.  I was so nervous because I hadn't seen X since October and I really didn't want to have to talk to him.  So while I was getting ready, I told God that I was putting it all in His hands.  I was going in there with the papers that I was required to get together and I wasn't going to try to sway the result in any way.

It went way better than I thought it would.  I didn't see X at all.  I don't know why.  I got there first and I was taken into a little room and the really nice lady who took the case informed me that he had filed to have the order transferred to MD, so that's why I was there, and she said she'd go run my numbers and then put his in when he arrived and see what happens.  When she came back in she said he was there, but he never came in and after we were finished, he had already left.

Not only did I not have to see him, the kids are also getting more than was originally ordered in PA even though I have a much higher income and X is still on unemployment!!

I don't know how that happened.  He also owes a good amount in arrears.

Nothing went the way I thought it would and that's a good thing.  It sure beats getting $4.02 per month.

So because that turned out so well, I have determined that I can likely move out on my own and know that I can still provide for the kids, even if I have to make sacrifices for myself.

I told this to BF and ever since he has talked about moving in together.

We had talked about this probably 2 months after we started dating when he first asked me about it and I told him that I don't believe in it.  It has to do with a lot of things: my religious beliefs, my values, my family, my kids, etc.  He seems to want to live together to determine if we would make it if we got married.

I told him that given what I know about his past and what I know about him now (which I think is a lot), if I feel like I need to live with him to feel like I can marry him, then I don't love or care about him enough to get married to him in the first place.  I'm sure there would be certain things that he does that would drive me crazy, but I am certain that he is a terrific guy and I love him more than I can explain and there is no little quirk or habit that he has that I wouldn't find out about until we lived together that would be a deal-breaker.

So anyway, I explained it to him again and he says he understands and he's just teasing, but he said it's something he thinks about on a daily basis.  I suppose that's a good thing.

In other news, I've been keeping up with my workouts.  It takes over an hour now to complete all five (abs, butt, pushups, legs, arms) and I do them any day I have some extra time, which ends up being just about every other day.  I made the mistake of weighing myself this morning...

I've gained 2.5 pounds in the last two weeks!!!!  Ahhhhh!!!  I wasn't expecting that, especially since my clothes are starting to fit better and I have a definable waist now.  I'm trying not to freak out about it and I keep reminding myself that muscle weighs more than fat and I've lost a bit of fat and I know I've gained some muscle.

I still haven't told BF that I've been doing it.  I know he'll tell me that I don't need to and then I might stop.  Or he'll think that he needs to start working out more because then I'll make him look bad (I think he needs to relax a bit more, to be honest...he's always buzzing around, wearing himself out).

I feel really accomplished when I've exercised and it gives me an adrenaline rush something.  It just feels good and I'm proud of myself for keeping it up for this long on my own.  Not to mention the health benefits.

Well, I suppose that's all for now.  Kiddos need lunch and I have lots of stuff to do before BF gets here in a few hours (yaaaaay)!

Until next time...

Closer

I was sitting at the kitchen table drinking my coffee, knowing I wanted to come by here and write.

So I plopped down in front of my computer and I'm drawing a blank!

Monday we did have a shorter date night.  It was a movie at his house, but it was still good to spend more time with him.  Actually, it was more like 1.25 movies.  The first one we started watching...I couldn't get past the language and raunchiness, so we switched to something else (thank goodness).

We had our family night on Wednesday and then another family night last night.  I think BF gets a lot out of those nights.  I do, too, but I get even more out of them knowing that it makes him feel really close to all of us when we get to spend that time together.  I feel like a family.  A real one.  A good one.  I honestly didn't think I'd feel that way about "family night".  It was more of a way to let the kids to get to know each other and have a play date and another excuse for me and BF to see each other.  It's truly unexpected and rewarding feeling.

I only have one problem with family night.  Well, it's not a bad problem, if that makes sense.  Every time we go out, a stranger says something that makes us feel awkward, not knowing they're even doing it.  It happened one of the first times BF and I went out alone and I think every time we've had a family night.  Someone always says how our kids are so well-behaved or our son or daughter is so cute.  Last night someone asked us where we live and referred to BF as DS's daddy.

When we go out alone, we've been mistaken for being married on more than one occasion.

It makes me feel like maybe we all look comfortable together.  Or maybe we all look good together.  Or maybe with the way I and BF handle the kids, we just look like your normal family...  Am I supposed to correct these people and let them in on just how disjointed our lives really are?  I don't feel like it's worth the time and discussion to explain it to someone we'll likely never see again.  I asked BF how he feels about it and he said it makes him feel pretty good and it doesn't bother him to let the people think what they want.

Going back to the subject of gratifying things...  The other night BF and I were talking on the phone like we usually do and he came up with a random question.  It thought it was kind of weird and silly, but for whatever reason letting him think out loud and bounce his thoughts off of me made me feel really close to him.  I got the same feeling a few months ago when we were discussing whether or not they have cows in China (I don't remember how in the world that came up) or a couple weeks ago when we were talking about the difference between moths and butterflies.  I've had the feeling other times, too, but those are the specific ones I remember.  I told him that I hope he always feels like he can talk to me like that, even if it seems like I think's kind of goofy or trivial.  I told him that it means a lot to me and I really enjoy it.  He says that he feels like he can talk to me about anything whether it's stuff like that, or his ex, or his past, or work, or whatever else.

I am so thankful for that and I think it's so important.

I suppose I'd better get going.  The kids are finally awake.  I think we'll spend some time outside this afternoon (I'm going to give my car a bath) and I need to file my taxes (nothing like waiting until the last minute!!).

Until next time...

Custody rant

I had come on here earlier today to go over my week like I did in the last entry...but I have so much running through my head that I can't even remember what I did this week.  I guess I could remember if I forced myself to, but I don't really like rehashing the whole week going day by day.

BF and his son left for Florida early this morning and won't be back until next Saturday.  I'm kicking myself because I could have gone with him to go meet his father and step-mother, but I decided not to go because it was a long time to be away from my kids.

I'm missing him so much, it's crazy.  Sometimes I find myself getting choked up because he would have been here with me this evening.  I don't think I've cried in months.  It feels foreign, and I didn't realize this would be so hard for me.

DD and DS keep asking if they can see him and I can't explain it to them in a way that they'll understand that they aren't even anywhere near here right now.

I feel kind of bad about it, to be honest.  X is trying to talk me into giving him more custody.  I replied to him last Sunday, saying that he can find a supervised visitation program in Maryland and get back to me.  He replied after I was already in bed with this really long response, saying that our children need to see their father and that DD had asked him about it and it's important for their development and he feels a duty, etc.

I probably shouldn't say this here in case he reads this, but it would mean more to me if he just plain said that he loves them and misses them and wants to spend time with them instead of this other supposedly professional-sounding mumbo-jumbo.

The supervisor right now has no right to base whether or not he's ready to have more custody based on one hour of good behavior every week.  I know that he has still been in contact with TOW at least up until recently.

And funny enough, neither of my children say anything about him when they're home.  They talk about BF and BFS.  Even if I ask them about their visit with their dad, they don't say much.  They talk more about the supervisor and the toys and I have to pry for what they did with him.

But they always ask about BF, especially DS.  They'll be at daycare, where BF has never even been, and ask if he's there.

Maybe it's my fault.  Other than spending time with them, I haven't tried to force any kind of relationship between my kids and BF.  I haven't discouraged my kids from talking about their father.  However, I don't talk about X around them, but I do talk about BF.

Besides his one hour per week, X makes no contact with his kids.  No cards or calls on their birthdays or holidays.  If I cancel a visit because they're sick, he doesn't ask me how they're doing.  He doesn't talk to them at all.

Is it my responsibility to make sure he does those things?  I thought if he wanted to do all that, then he'd do it.  Or at least that's what I'd do.

I know that if someone asked him about it, he'd say that I wouldn't let him talk to them.  Fact is, he hasn't even tried.  The only reason why I might not let him talk to them is if he turned it into an interrogation session with me like he has in the past.

In certain ways, it would make my life a little easier if he had them part of the time.  Even if it's just for one day a week.  But I can't justify to myself putting them in a situation where they wouldn't be properly cared for or loved.

Ugh, I didn't mean to go on a rant about that.

I'd better go.  The choir makes their debut under my direction in the morning and I need sleep.

If I can even fall asleep.  I miss BF too much.

Unhappy face.

Not-so-great week

Last week was one of the worst weeks I've had in a long time.

I thought it was going to be great because I was carpooling with BF for most of the week, which meant that I'd get to see him first thing in the morning and right after work, in additional to any time we had already planned to spend together.

Monday, my period started a day early.  I know that's no big deal, but when you're not expecting it, it kind of is.  It's been like clockwork for the last few months...so I kind of wasn't prepared.  I handled it okay, it just meant that I spent date night feeling crampy and rather miserable.

Tuesday, I took DS to urgent care because he was wheezing and had a really bad cough.  The nurse practitioner there gave him a breathing treatment, which seemed to help and prescribed a steroid for what she said was bronchiolitis and an antibiotic for an ear infection.  Then I had to rush to the pharmacy and try to pick up those prescriptions before the store closed, only to find out that the antibiotic wouldn't be available until the next day.

Wednesday, I called the pediatrician to schedule a follow-up appointment as I was instructed to do at urgent care and they wanted to see him right away.  Well, I had carpooled and couldn't leave, so my mom had to drag both kids to the doctor's office only to have the doctor say that DS doesn't have an ear infection and that he thought he has asthma.  The asthma was only in one lung, though, and he wouldn't say what he thought it was.  So he prescribed a breathing treatment and a nebulizer and also wanted me to keep the prescription for the antibiotic because if he has a little bit of pneumonia, it'll clear up with the medication.

My mother wound up driving all over creation to get the nebulizer and decided I could pick up the meds on the way home from work.

I stopped to pick up the meds only to find out that the doctor had forgotten to call in the prescription for the breathing treatment.  I did end up leaving with both prescriptions, but it took much longer than I thought it would.

We didn't have family night.

DS was doing pretty badly that night, so I called off work on Thursday so I could keep an eye on him and take him to the emergency room if I needed to.

Thankfully, the breathing treatment helped and there were no emergencies.  I did find out, however, that I'm allergic to albuterol sulfate.  When I hold him on my lap for the treatment, some of the vapors come in contact with my face and it causes my upper lip to swell up and my nose and throat to get itchy.

Thursday wasn't terribly bad, though, because BF called me on the way home from work and showed up at my house to say hi for a few minutes.  It was definitely a bright spot to my day.

That night, I was in the middle of a great choir practice (10 people showed up and they sounded great!) when X texted me about discussing our custody arrangement.  I knew it was coming, but no amount of thinking about it would prepare me for when he actually spoke up.

I still haven't replied because I didn't know what to do.  I think I will reply this afternoon.  He isn't going to like it.

Friday was rather uneventful, but I was in a foul mood because of the stressful week.

Yesterday was okay.  I accomplished a little bit at home and had some time to breathe and relax.  BF came over late in the afternoon and spent a few hours with us.  DS sat on his lap to do his treatment before bed.  BF was okay with it, so I went to clean up our dinner mess.  I could hear them talking to each other.  It was really sweet.

I feel like this entry is extremely disjointed, so I guess I'll end here.  I hope this week is better.  I knew the emotional high I've been on wouldn't last forever, but jeeze...when it rains, it pours.

Off to church to sing in the praise band!

Simply amazing

I have come back to gloat.  Or gush, rather.

I truly have the the most incredible boyfriend in the entire universe.

I was having a pretty crappy day yesterday.  I had a purse issue before I ever left for work and then when I got to work I discovered the the street I park on is going to be closed for road repairs next week and I have nowhere to park.  BF called me to talk for a few minutes my shift started, so I filled him in how the day just wasn't going well.

Then about 45 minutes before my lunch shift, he texted me to tell me that he had been thinking about me all the day (to which I replied that I had been thinking about him, too) and he suggested that we talk during lunch (which I said would be okay) and he asked me if I had plans (no, just eating).

I was pretty pleased...he doesn't usually call me during lunch on his day off, so it's a treat.

Less than 10 minutes before my lunch was supposed to start, he asked me what I had to eat (burritos).  I told him that I had meant to eat them a day or two before, but my aunt and cousin took me out to eat with them.

He then replied a few minutes later that he would be there to talk in about 5 minutes and that he didn't really like burritos, so can we go somewhere?

To which I replied, "Wait, what?"

I was so excited that he went way out of his way to come down there and have lunch with me as a surprise.  He said he had been sitting on the couch re-spooling his fishing rod and then decided he was going to go see me. We've done that before, but this was particularly special because we hadn't done it in a while and it was entirely unplanned.

Needless to say, I was on cloud nine for the rest of the day.  Forget about the other stuff I was worried about, this totally amazing guy who is interested in me for some reason drove an hour each way just to see me for an hour.

It's stuff like this that make it nearly impossible for me to keep my head out of the clouds and be rational.  I've never had someone treat me so well.  I don't know what to do with myself.  I even know that the guy who I almost started dating after my divorce was over wouldn't have given up his time to do that (he even put off talking to me on the phone one evening when I was upset about something because he was too busy doing laundry).  And one guy who I had one date with probably would have, but then I think he would have wanted to bed me later (and that is why he didn't get a second date!).

I feel so spoiled and I don't know what in the world I did to deserve someone so thoughtful and sweet.  Usually I end up feeling like I deserve better, but this time I'm feeling unworthy of BF.

Then he says cryptic things that I try not to read too much into because I don't want to disappoint myself.

The other morning I was telling him that I had told my cousin about a bad experience I recently had at a popular bridal shop and she took it upon herself to contact them and give them a piece of her mind regarding how I was treated.  I told him that I told her that I wish she wouldn't have and if I ever get married again, they just won't get my business.

Then he goes and says, "It's not a matter of if you get married again, it's a matter of when."

What do you say to that?  I think the most I could muster up was, "Okay."

It's getting more and more difficult to not daydream about where this could go.

In other news, I finally got the permanent tags for my car, so I am all done with that for two years.  I have spent so much money on that blasted car in the last month.  I like driving it, though.  BF says it's a good fit for me, which is kind of cool.  The only issue I have with it is that with the two car seats in the back, there isn't enough room for BFS to sit back there, so we still have to take my parents' van for family night or drive separately.  Maybe that will change when they're both in booster seats.

Last Monday I went to BF's family dinner with his ex's family.  It was weird and I was so nervous and awkward, but these people are like his family and it's obvious that they love him.  They've been asking me to come to various things pretty much since we started dating.  So I went because it knew it was important to him.  They are very affectionate people...I got so many hugs and kisses that I didn't know what to do.  I had already met his ex's parents, so that was two less people to meet.  But in total, there were 5 new children to meet and at least 8 new adults.  They were very accepting and they told him that they like me and they're more worried about what I think about them.  One of them told him that I'm a keeper.  I'm not sure how she came to that conclusion, but I'll take it.  So I guess it went well.  They want me to come to the next dinner and they want to meet my kids.

I think there was something else I wanted to talk about, but I can't remember now...so I shall close.

Thank you, God, for blessing me far beyond what I deserve or could even hope for!