Conflicted on this whole blog thing...

Long time, no see. Possibly never see again after this...in the blogging world, I mean.

I've been battling some crazy stuff this year. That seems to be the story of my life.

I've tried writing an update many times and wound up deleting it because it became too long and I wasn't even finished writing.

I don't think there is a way to make a long story short.

My children and husband are doing great. Work is going well. Things in general are wonderful and we are greatly blessed.

Back in March I went and archived all of the blog posts I had written about my ex. I didn't delete them, I just didn't want them to show up in regular reading anymore. It had been over 2 years since I had any contact with him and I genuinely thought it was a chapter in my life that was finally closed.  Wouldn't you know it...right after I did that, my ex popped back into the picture. He wanted to set up visitation again.

Before I even got into that I proposed the adoption idea. He completely ignored it. I guess that's better than getting cussed out.

We found a supervised visitation program and we were being cordial with one another.

While trying to figure out a schedule he must have thought that he wasn't going to get what he wanted (might I add that the program manager and I had agreed that what I was proposing was best for the kids, but it wasn't the final decision unless he agreed to it) and that is when things went downhill.

He was becoming more agitated via text message and I had my husband calling to tell me that his ex was coming to him with all these accusations about me and my family, refusing to reveal her source.

That was pretty stupid. You would think if he wanted to attack me through her he would at least choose some new material. I knew exactly who her source was because it was exactly the same things he was saying years ago when he was threatening to take it all to my church family. It was all untrue. Anything that had started out true (and innocent, for that matter) was twisted around so much that it was certainly a lie. She confirmed her source after not much time by sending Hubby screenshots of their conversation on Facebook messenger, which showed his picture. Brilliant, I tell you.

Fortunately Hubby and I had talked about all the tough stuff long before we got married. I'm positive if you can talk about the scary and difficult things openly from the start then you can easily recognize the lies later on.

I'm not sure what their goal was. Destroy our marriage? Find a reason to take away our children? I'm fairly certain that if I were any danger I would be the one who lost custody.

Fast forward to about 2 weeks later...I was being accused of actively cheating on my husband. They said they had documented proof. Funny enough, Hubby didn't receive any screenshots of that. I know if they had anything they would have sent it (and it would have been fake or belonged to someone else).

She said there were e-mails and blog posts from February. That's when I started feeling uncomfortable with keeping this blog. This is the only diary I keep. I haven't posted anything since January until now. Do I keep chugging along, pretending like what they say doesn't matter? Or I do lock myself up so I can't be read? Do I get rid of this thing and never write again? Do I really have to give them that power over me?

I still don't know the right answer. My mom told me I should journal. Hand-journaling takes entirely too much time. I did think about locking up this blog so I can journal, and I still may.

Hubby told his ex that he trusts me and she needs to stop. Things were quiet for a while. The kids have been seeing him for an hour per week rather consistently since June. About two weeks ago he started back up with talking to Hubby's ex. He was telling her the same things as before.

If they are trying to create a rift between us, it isn't working. We have trust for one another and a marriage that is centered around God and our relationship with Him. I am in a better place now than I have ever been in every possible way. It feels amazing. God has been tremendously amazing in our lives.

What is causing a rift in our marriage is that we don't see eye-to-eye when it comes down to how we handle this stuff. I say stand your ground...be firm. He says stay low...keep the peace however possible.

This is only a portion of what I have had to deal with.

I'm trying so hard just to let go and let God.

Happy New Year

To anyone who reads this anymore: I hope you had a wonderful Christmas and smooth transition into the New Year!

We had a nice Christmas and new year. I've been so spoiled with getting to wake up with Hubby and spend the day together that going back to work yesterday and waking up later than him today felt foreign. He has called me three time already today, so I think it feels weird for him, too.

2016 looks like it's going to be a very busy year for us.

We've outgrown our home and we're on the search for a new one.  I really don't want to move, but there's no denying that this place is just too small for our 6-member family.

We're planning to get the ball rolling with Hubby adopting DD and LB. It has been over 2 years since they have seen or heard from their biological father.  They recognize Hubby as their dad, they want to change their last name to match ours, and they just don't seem to care about seeing their "old daddy" anymore. I'm unsure of how to initiate this process and I'm afraid that it will open pandora's box.

We're also hoping for a change regarding BB's custody. You wouldn't believe the nonsense that's gone on.  Something's gotta give. I'm tired of Hubby being verbally abused by his ex-spouse and me being the scapegoat for BB's apparent unhappiness. According to her, BB says that because his daddy married me he isn't allowed to do certain things anymore, like watch certain TV shows (and she tried to say he's not allowed to watch TV at all).

First of all, none of us watch much television. Second of all, BB used to have time to watch television after the other kids went to bed. However, his school is doing a reading program. He basically has to read 20 minutes per day. I encourage him to read earlier in the day, say right after snack, so he can watch television before bedtime. He chooses not to, so he reads after the kids go to bed and ends up having no TV time. His choice. Last of all, when he does have television time and the opportunity to watch the shows that I don't want DD and LB to watch, he asks to watch major league baseball or COPS. His choice.

Why the heck do I need to keep defending myself against this crazy woman??? Is he really saying these things? I makes it difficult for me when he comes back home because I feel like he's just pitted against me...when it's probably just her putting words in his mouth.

When Hubby calls him on the evening he doesn't have custody, BB always sounds unhappy, tired, uninterested, distracted, etc.  When his mother calls when we have him, he's peppy and energetic and talkative.  I don't know if it means that he doesn't want to talk to his dad and only talk to his mother or that he is unhappy at her house and happy at ours. We're not allowed to ask him. According to mom, he says that he is interrogated every he time comes home with us. We also hear her telling him in the background what he did that day and certain times he has to ask him mom what to say. I have a feeling she's the one interrogating...'cause I know we aren't.

That's just the tip of the iceberg.

Anyway...

My resolutions for 2016:

1. Keep eating healthy (I stopped drinking sodas, reduced carbs, more protein)
2. Keep exercising (Hubby and I work out together 5 days per week for about an hour)
3. Read through the Bible chronologically (failed at this last year, trying again with Hubby)
4. Less time on phone, more time with kids
5. Find things that make me happy without relying on people
6. Make new list of self affirmations

Some of this, some o' that

So here's what I/we have been up to lately...

 

LB celebrated his 6th birthday and Dudely Dude celebrated his first birthday. DD will be turning 8 years old in the near future. Where the heck has time gone???

 

The kids have finished their first quarter of the school year already. LB is doing really well in kindergarten and DD and doing well in 2^ndgrade. BB is in 4th grade this year and not doing so well academically, but his teachers love him and know he is trying his best. We just need to work with him at home more.

 

Dudely Dude is doing great. He is healthy and growing and progressing in his development. Size-wise he’s right about where he should be. Skill-wise I think he’s in the 6-9 month range, but he is constantly learning new things so everyone is pleased. I know I am.

 

Caroling at the Inn is coming up very soon. The innkeeper sounded very excited that we would be doing it again this year (3^rd year in a row!). She said they get so many compliments and people love to listen. I don’t think it’s that we’re that good, I think it’s because it adds to the Christmas atmosphere.

 

At the end of December it will be 2 years since LB or DD have seen or heard from their biological father. The only reason why I keep thinking about this is because we still haven’t initiated the adoption process. You would think 2 years of no contact would be considered abandonment and it would a no-brainer to just let Hubby adopt them with no questions, but I don’t think that’s the case in this state.

 

We’re still dealing with custody issues with BB. I don’t want to say much about it. BB switches between two completely different home-lives (is that even a term?). Yesterday his mother showed up at our house unannounced and proceeded to scream and cuss out Hubby for an hour (I was outside for half of it)…yeah, that needs to stop.

 

Hubby and I started going to the dentist for the first time in over a decade. Considering how long it has been, my teeth are in decent shape. I need some fillings and I need my wisdom teeth removed. I also had two problem teeth I knew about. One he thought would need a root canal, but it didn’t (yay). The other may need a root canal or a big filling. There was another problem tooth that I didn’t even know was a problem. So that one got a root canal. It was painful. Painful on the wallet and my available work leave. Virtually pain-free in all other aspects!

 

Anyway, after 10+ years of avoiding the dentist, I only need the above work and a simple cleaning. Hubby doesn’t need so much work (some fillings and he already had a tooth extracted), but he needs deep cleanings.

 

I used to have daily headaches, but since this root canal was done the headaches have gone away. Well worth the moo-lah spent.

 

After being married and a family for 2.5 years we finally got our first family pictures done. I’m pretty happy with how they turned out.

 

Lastly, I’ve been really working on trying to lose weight. I don’t think I’m overweight, but I’m still 10-15 pounds heavier than I was before Dudely was conceived. I was getting discouraged because I still couldn’t button my pants and I almost had to butter my legs to get skinny jeans on and I still looked pregnant. So I started watching my portions and carb intake. It seems to be working. Slowly, anyway. I actually buttoned my work pants for the first time in months this morning. I think if I can break myself of the habit of drinking sodas all the time my diet will be more effective. I also don’t eat as much junk and I opt for yummy salads or wraps when we eat out. I’m going to start adding in exercise and working out, so I think I’m on the right healthy track!

 

And that is all. Whew.

 

Revelation

During a moment of tearful prayer during my shower a few moments ago, a thought occurred to me for the first time (God speaking, I'm positive) and now I'm sharing it via my phone while sitting wrapped up in a towel on the toilet lid:

I don't think I lost my best friend, I think it's more likely that she needed to remove a toxic person from her life and that toxic person was me. 

I am at peace with that. 

As ridiculous as this sounds, I feel better now because I'm fairly certain that she started feeling better a long time ago.

Thank You, God. 

I have some things to work on.  

Missing someone

I'm going to pretend it hasn't been 3-4 months since I last wrote.

I had the sudden urge to write, so I hopped onto Hubby's laptop and it took so long to get to this point that I don't feel like writing anymore.

Blah.

My favorite holiday has come and gone...it felt less warm and cozy this year as compared to previous years. My parents hosted and for a while it was just me and Hubby and our kids and my parents, just like every Sunday, except BB was able to join us.  My little brother visited for a little bit and then my older brother and his wife and two kids came for the evening.  My oldest brother and his wife didn't come this year. My cousin was visiting with her new boyfriend's family. My aunt and uncle didn't come and my other cousin lives up northern PA now, so I haven't seen her in a while.

It just isn't the same anymore.

I have so much to be thankful for this year, but I'm feeling so lonely that I'm finding it difficult.

I hate to come back and mope around, but I just plain don't have anyone to talk to.

I'm finding myself daydreaming about re-igniting my friendship with my best friend from 5 years ago. I miss her so much. She was the kind of friend who would give me space when I got wrapped up in my own selfish little world...then when I finally snapped out of it she was right there and we would pick up exactly where we left off.

I became too selfish, though, and hurt her. I tell myself that when it came down to her or my children, my children come first. And I think that's true. I don't know if doing what I did is the reason I have them now, but I do know that doing what I did is the reason I don't have her.

Hubby says if she were a true friend she would have understood and we would have worked things out.

I've heard and read over and over that people leave our lives for a reason, but I'm longing to make amends and the proverbial ball is in her court and has been for years.

I'm such a crummy friend that I can't replace her.

It's not that anything in particular is wrong right now. My children are doing great, my marriage is surviving the normal ups and downs and miscommunications, but we still choose to love one another and fall for each other repeatedly. Our jobs are still stable as far as I can tell. Our finances are in good shape. Our health is in good shape.

I guess this post could indicate my mental health isn't.

I can't share these kinds of feelings or anything serious with Hubby anymore. I try, but he always ends up saying something hurtful. I tell him he was hurtful and he expects, "I was just joking" or "I was being sarcastic" to reverse everything.

Then that emotional hurts translates into other aspects of our marriage.

The sad feelings about my friend seem to be hanging around for good. The communication issues within my marriage are short-lived, thank goodness...though they do pop back up eventually.

My goal in writing this is to get it out and find relief.

I hope it works.

This is harder than I thought

I'm completely sucking at daily updating. Ugh. Sometimes I wonder if I should just move on. 

I actually wrote the following during my break last Friday and didn't finish. And I won't finish. Want to know why?

Shortly after my break was over I found out that I got another raise. (Might I add that when I got the call from my manager to come to her office I had an immediate panic attack and said to myself, "This is it...it's all over!")

If that's not a plain-as-day sign from God, I don't know what is. 

I wouldn't even bother posting what I had written, but it was a lot and I spent a good amount of time on it. It also might provide some insight on what anxiety does to people. 

So without further ado:

My anxiety has been kind of uncontrollable lately. I wonder if it’s just because I know I’m not seeing my therapist anymore and I’m overthinking everything.

 

I’ve been catastrophizing like crazy. I constantly feel like someone is angry with me or something is wrong. I dread going into work on Fridays because I’ve been working from home three days prior and I feel like I’ve done something wrong.

 

Changing out of my comfy clothes (fuzzy pants, fluffy socks, oversized junky t-shirt) and into normal clothes would probably help.

 

Anyway, I automatically assume when people don’t respond to my e-mails like they usually do that I really messed something up or something has changed and no one told me, or when I call my team leader with a question and the tone of her voice doesn’t have its typical perky quality I’m going to get fired when I come back into the office.

 

It is a miserable feeling.

 

I know very well that my workplace has an unspoken policy of “no news is good news”. My manager confirmed so herself during my last review. The fact that I only get e-mail reminders of something I may need to remember as I’m doing my work and not a phone call to come to someone’s office to have a closed-door discussion is ideal.  I know I’m doing okay even if I don’t have someone telling me I’m going a great job in the last couple of months.

 

I know that the team leader I go to for help is bogged down with a lot of work and my questions probably come at an inopportune time. She hasn’t been team leader all too long and it’s kind of difficult for me to go from talking to her as a friend to as a boss of sorts.

 

I just wish I could keep these intrusive thoughts from flooding my head. I wish there was a way to get rid of them besides medication. All therapy did was help me push past them so I can function better (and I am thankful for that).  These thoughts cause my heart to race and palpitate…my skin to flush and sweat…my entire body to become jittery and shaking.

 

Sometimes they cause Hubby and me to get into some pretty ridiculous I-don’t-know-whats. I don’t want to say fights or arguments. I always end up being told I’m crazy because I’m worrying about non-issues. The truth of the matter is I just want reassurance and for someone besides my therapist to understand that I can’t control these “crazy” thoughts that won’t stop popping into my head. [Note: I first wrote “pooping” into my head. I think that’s pretty accurate, too.]

 

Another example is this:

 

Yesterday Exhibit A (is that what I called her before?) was supposed to pick up BB from our house. She called me about 20 minutes before her E.T.A. to tell me that she had been run off the road, got a flat tire, and was going to be late picking up BB. She said she was keep me updated. Cool. Glad you’re alright. Sounds good.

 

Then I had the mental battle of sharing this with Hubby. He wasn’t yet home from work. She had asked me not to tell BB why she was late. She didn’t mention Hubby. There are various things going on with her that would cause a red flag to wave with this incident. I decided I would tell him for a few reasons:

 

1. She was likely going to tell him that she was going to keep him longer since she missed what ended up being an hour of her time and I thought he might appreciate the heads up, especially since I knew he would have to tell her that she couldn’t.

2. The possibility of “WHY DIDN’T YOU TELL ME?!” if something were to happen when BB was with her as a result of her accident (car troubles, her troubles, etc.).

3. For documentation/future reference

 

 

Down Syndrome Wednesday

I tried to make a schedule of sorts and I somehow decided that Wednesdays would be dedicated to Dudely and our Down Syndrome adventure.

As I have said many times before: he is doing great.

This Friday he will be 11 weeks post-op and other than a big scar on his chest everything is normal. Well, normal for him.

He does seem to be behind on some skills, but I think that could just be because of the surgery and recovery time.

He's rolling around all over the floor, which I love. I don't love that he rolls onto his belly while he's sleeping and can't seem to roll back over in his bed...so he gets upset in the middle of the night and mommy has to come to the rescue. 

He's starting to put his knees under his belly and push his butt into the air, but he doesn't have quite enough arm strength to lift the upper part of his body. 

Early intervention is having me work on sitting and pivoting with him. 

He doesn't have any teeth yet and I don't see any signs of them showing up any time soon. I read somewhere that kids with Down Syndrome tend to get their teeth later, so that's probably the reason for that.

He's had some good check-ups with the cardiologist and he has his 9 month check-up with the pediatrician next week. I expect that to go well, except he has to have his 6 month vaccinations again due to being on bypass during his surgery. I also hope to get a referral to the clinic that specializes in his condition.

Other peoples' reactions to his Down Syndrome has been mixed. My first experience with someone recognizing it was the new principal at the kids' school. She was the supervisor of some kind of special ed program through the board of education, so she had a lot of good things to say. Good first experience!

One of my coworkers said "he looks Asian" and referred to him as "chinky and happy".

I really don't mind that his features resembles those who are Asian, but I feel like there should be a more tactful way to comment about it. 

Yesterday Hubby's ex (who doesn't even know about it), who he was talking to as if she were BB because he didn't realize it was her, said, "Stop talking to me like I have Down Syndrome!"

Now I really don't want her to know about it. Before I didn't want her to know because it's none of her business, but now it's because I'm pretty sure she'll use it to make hurtful comments. 

Just about everyone who has seen him only comments on how cute he is (besides medical professionals and people who already know), not how he looks a little different or that something might be wrong with him. 

He's still a sweet and happy little boy. I wouldn't change a thing about him.