Define: Soon

So.

I have a lot to write, but I don't know where to start.

Hmm...

I still haven't heard from X. It's been long enough that's not making any sense to me now. I mean, I had a really strong feeling this would happen, but I just don't understand why. Why would he want to talk to DD on her birthday and meet up with us outside of regular visitation and seem to care and then when he has the chance to do it some more, with the possibility that we could work out something that would give him more time with them, he does nothing? And to top it off, the last time he saw them, he told them that he would take them to Chuck3Ch33s3 and they bring it up almost every day. BF and I took them and BFS there on Wednesday to see if it would get their mind off of it, but they wanted their father to come, too, and that same night when I was getting DD ready for bed, she brought up going with him on Mondays again.

I don't understand her attachment to him. Granted, almost every time he saw them toward the end of last year, he had presents for them. But she remembers when she would spend time at his house and she told me that she cried because she wanted me and didn't want to be there. I think she's just making the connection that Mommies and Daddies have a relationship of some sort. She also brings up how he and I hadn't seen each other for a long time. I don't know how she would know this. She says she just knows. I told her that it was okay that I hadn't seen him and she said it wasn't and "What if he wants to see you?!?!?!" She also threw in there somewhere something about me and him being married.

All I can tell her about all this is that he and I hurt each others' feelings too much to be able to do any of that. I also told her (and maybe this is wrong of me) that one day I could marry someone who could never be her daddy, but he can care about her and love her like a daddy. I didn't name names.

Last Saturday I successfully cooked dinner for the first time in my entire life. Yeah, I know that's pretty bad. I remember attempting a dinner when I was married, but it dried out because I didn't cover it as it baked. Then any other time I tried to cook X took over or he didn't let me cook at all. I tried to cook a chicken dish a few weeks ago and the kids wouldn't eat it and it was very bland and dry. So I tried my hand at lasagna soup and it was great! The kids picked at it, but said it tasted good. BF devoured his and his son's and took home leftovers, and a couple days ago he wanted to know if there was still any left that he could have!

Needless to say, I felt pretty proud of myself. Today I'm going to try to make a zesty italian chicken dish. It's a crock pot meal and it looks delicious. I have to make my own italian seasoning, though. It's in a white sauce and poured over pasta.  Mmm...

Regarding the apartment issue, BF had asked me if getting engaged would change my mind (before I discovered the apartment wasn't going to work with my budget). He wasn't trying to talk me out of it, but I think he was concerned what would happen if I moved out and then he proposed. And of course he was saying that I know that it's going to happen soon. I think soon for him is different than soon for me. When I tell my kids we're going to do something soon, I mean in 1-2 weeks. I'm pretty sure he's been saying "soon" since before Thanksgiving. So I'm not going to think too much about that and try to plan around something that probably isn't going to happen my kind of "soon". So I have a certain invisible deadline/timeline where if it doesn't happen, then I will start looking for an apartment again. I'm not using it as an ultimatum for him, since he doesn't know that's my plan, it's just me allowing more time for things to happen before going through with my own plans.

I hope there's nothing wrong with doing that.

Besides, my annual review is coming up at work in February...or at least it should be. It's possible that I could get another raise, though I'm not expecting it at all. I can't imagine getting another one. I didn't expect any of them that I did get. So I want to wait and see what happens with that. If it falls after my invisible deadline, then I'll push the deadline back a little, or at least until I do get my review.

Now I think it's time to bundle myself and the kids up and go out to play in the snow!!

On a happier note...

Supervised visitation is no more.  Or at least the way we've been doing it, it's no more. The lady who has been supervising got pretty upset with X when he didn't show that week and after she called and left him numerous messages and never got to talk to him, she decided it had been long enough and that he's unmotivated and we're out of their jurisdiction now, so they weren't going to do it anymore.  She said that we're smart enough to figure something out on our own.

So last Monday was the last one.  I'm kind of glad that I got to take them up there for it because I had the opportunity to say goodbye and thank her for everything she did for us.

Guess how soon I heard from X about arranging something else?

...I'm still waiting to hear from him. That boggles BF's mind because he said if it were him, he would have called the next day, if not that same night. I've tried to explain to him that this is the way it has always been. I'm curious how long it will be before I do hear from him. Then I have the thought that maybe it's my responsibility to try to set things up. But my part of the situation is ideal. I don't want to change anything. So I keep telling myself that if he really wants to see them and he really wants something to change, then HE needs to initiate and reach out to make something happen.

I'll work with him. He knows this from our meeting a few weeks ago. But if he thinks I'll switch to unsupervised, he's lost his mind.

Regarding those last few entries again...

BF and I talked a lot about stuff last night and some time during the week we talked about the whole engagement/marriage thing. I tried to put my feelings in a way that he would understand by saying it's like if I were to agree to move in with him and say I was doing things to get ready to move it, but not telling him what I'm doing. Then keep saying the same things over and over...yes, I'm getting ready to move in, I just can't do it yet...there are things holding me up, but I'm working on them. No visible evidence that would show that I'm actually doing something about it, just what I say. Then 6 months go by and I still haven't moved in. I know he would be really frustrated and hound me about what's taking so long or he would think I'm lying and I really don't want to move in at all.

I think he finally got it and hasn't brought up anything since.

And while I complain a lot (these blogs I keep tend to be for venting, since I feel like I have no one to talk to about these things), I do love him dearly. I get frustrated and a little emotionally hurt, but I still can't imagine spending my life with anyone else. And the hurt and frustration are nothing compared to the other good feelings I have the rest of the time.

And if I spend the rest of my life dating him, I'm okay with that. I don't think I've ever been this happy in my entire life.  Well, besides the days my children were born. I was so happy I cried on those days. But as a whole, even having been through what I have been through and not being in an ideal living situation, I'm so happy with BF and BFS and my kiddos and I don't want to lose any of it if it meant that I would lose any of them.

So if he wants to propose, he will do it when he's ready to.

Until that happens, I will continue to enjoy what we do have because it is amazing and I wouldn't trade it for the world.

Consistently inconsistent

I should get extra points for being consistently inconsistent. As much as I want to update on a regular basis, I never do. I think about it a couple times per week, but I don't feel like I have anything important enough to say.

The same feelings I had in the last real entry I wrote are still there. Not the borderline mental, medication-induced feelings that I didn't realize were affecting others.

People keep asking me about when I'm going to get engaged.  I just shrug my shoulders or throw my hands up in the air or just give them the good ol' "I don't know".

I almost feel like this is a form of emotional torture.

Nearly every day there's mention of living together, "When we get married...", "things will be changing soon...", questions of what kind of wedding I'd want, etc.

As far as I'm concerned, there's no wedding to plan for. No house to look for. For me, it's IF we get married.

I feel like a spoiled brat, getting in a bad mood because it hasn't happened yet and he's making me hope for it so badly.

He says in his head we're already married. I think I've mentioned that before. The reality is, again, that we are not. We're not even on the road to getting married.

This has been going on for months now.

My mom mentioned the other night that she thought for sure it would have happened before the new year. She thinks he's just afraid. He and I have talked about it before and he says he's not.

The thing is, it's been so long of hearing it that I'm starting to not believe him.

My first thought when he says how much he misses me or how much he wishes we were living together already or he can't wait until the day we are married is "Yeah, right".

That's not normal.  *frowny face*

Actions speak louder than words...and all there is is words.  Lots of them.  Lots of the same words. Sounds coming out of his mouth.

I've told him that I don't believe him sometimes.

I don't know who is the one who is abnormal, here.  Me or him. It has me frustrated to the point of tears. I feel like I'm doing something wrong.

I thought if someone wanted something that badly, they would get it as soon as they could. I also thought that men typically kept these things to themselves until the day it happens...I mean, I have prior experience with that part.

I'm just going to take a moment...  p98y t4 saeu,sam4 m,.tmn,zdf.vbmc qer

I feel a little better now.

In other news, my kids are 3 and 5 years old now.  I had some nice cuddle time with DD before she went to bed this evening. They are both jigsaw puzzle lovers and are constantly putting them together. They also play really well together and it's cute to hear them pretending to play house. They also know how to fight like professionals.

There have been some custody/visitation issues. My mom won't take the kids to visitation anymore, so I have to start leaving work early every Monday. So no more date night for me and BF. X has been bad about making it to visitation.  He has cancelled quite a bit over the last couple of months and the last scheduled one, he didn't even show. The people who supervise want to close our case. I did meet up with him outside of normal visitation so he could see the kids and give them birthday/Christmas gifts. BF came with me, of course. That was a little uncomfortable.

BF wants to talk now, so I guess I'll close. Maybe I'll write more tomorrow...probably not.

As someone who cares

Well...so far, so good on the pill front.  I've only been on the new one for about 2 full weeks, but I feel pretty normal.  I haven't had any irrational thoughts and I'm not breaking out too badly.  The doctor/nurse said it would take a few months to become accustomed to it, but I'm pretty happy with them right now.

X has been asking to discuss with me over the last few months the situation with the kids.  Between taking 24+ hours to reply or replying when I'm already in bed, it would go up to two months before he'd mention anything again.  So couple weeks ago we finally "discussed" the situation and got nowhere.  He told me before that nothing that is in the current custody order is an issue anymore, which I know is not the case.  I know he and TOW (who, from now on will be known as XW) are together and that they're expecting a child at the end of the month.  I alluded the fact that I know more than he thinks I know and that his dishonesty and lack of good judgment are huge issues for me.  He made it seem like I was referring to divorce issues and basically told me that anything that needed to be discussed couldn't be done outside of a courtroom.

So I'm waiting for something from the court.

If he thinks for a second that I'm willingly going to let him take my children around someone who is abusive, he is out of his mind.  It's bad enough that he's putting himself in that situation (and soon his newborn son) and if that's what he wants to do, I don't care, but why in the world would he want to subject his kids to that?  Even if she didn't do anything to them, it's bad enough if they see them fighting or abusing each other.

I truly do just want to protect them.  They are healthy and they are happy and in no way am I punishing them like he says I am.  And I don't know how he thinks he can take them out to do things when he can't even pay his child support and he has another kid on the way who he will have to support and care for as well.

I'll just have to wait and see what happens.

Things with BF seem to be going well, still.  I had a few days where I was feeling a bit dejected by him and Monday we had a heart to heart about it.  I hadn't said anything to him about it because I was trying to figure out if it was something that I was supposed to be upset about or if I was being unreasonable.  We had watched a movie about a couple that had been engaged for 5 years and things got really bad over that period of time.  After the movie was over he was asking me if I was having doubts about him and all the stuff on my mind came out.

The bad thing was that I had no solution for anything I said.  They were just feelings I had and I still had no clue what to make of them.

The good thing was that he listened.  He listened!  Oh my gosh, I can't even begin to tell you how nice it was to be able to talk to someone like that not have the blame immediately placed on me or to be told that I'm being ridiculous.  He said that my feelings are my feelings and I shouldn't feel bad for what I feel.  He tried to talk it out with me and has since made an effort to try and fix things, even though we don't even know if those things are really a problem or even the root of the problem.

Just talking about it made me feel better.  Now that I'm writing, I think the problem may have been that I felt like he just didn't or wouldn't care.  The things he did added to the things he said (and those things probably shouldn't have been added together) just didn't send out a good message and I didn't think he would care how I felt or even want to talk about it.

But he did care and he did want to talk.

Words can't describe how much I appreciate that and how much it makes me adore him even more.  Thinking about it gets me a little choked up.

Yeah, I have no doubts.  I don't know for certain what the future holds, but I do know that he is a truly good man and I am so blessed for having him in my life.

Now I can't stop smiling!

Commitment issues

I'm kinda not liking springtime.

I got all comfy and cozy in the routine BF and I had gotten into with spending time with each other and our kids.  Now that the weather is nicer, we're seeing each other less just because more things are coming up.

I knew that was going to happen, but I wasn't mentally prepared for it...especially since we had been able to see each other a lot more in the past few weeks.

This weekend he's on a two night bachelor-party-camping trip.

I didn't even know there was such a thing, but I guess a bachelor party can be anything you want it to be, I guess.  This is the world of people who actually like to spend time outdoors.

I have to give him lots of credit, though.  He was texting me a bit last night and called twice.  And since he's off work on Sunday, he made it sound like he's going to make every effort to get home early enough to clean up and come with me to church.

I am not used to this.  I've known him for 7 months or so and I still don't expect him to be so thoughtful or try so hard.  And now that I think about it, it's really not trying at all...it should be something that someone would want to do for someone they care about.

He and X are so entirely different and I can't help comparing them.  In my head I keep thinking that he's going to act the way X did, but he doesn't.  He never does and for that I am thankful.

Like, X would have left on this trip (if he were really going where he said he would be going) and I wouldn't have heard a peep from him until the trip was over unless I contacted him first, which would have been a disaster because he would accuse me of checking up on him.  And I guarantee you he wouldn't be going out of his way without my asking to come with me to church.

I'm figuring out that the majority of men do not act like X.   I wish I could make myself remember that all the time, especially when it comes to BF.

BF also make comments on a daily basis on how he can't wait until I am his all the time and we can say good night every night in person instead of over the phone.  He says that I am the love of his life and he will love me for the rest of his life.

Well, the feeling is definitely mutual and I daydream about a future with him constantly.  However, I am still thankful for the things that prevent us from being able to rush our way to that point and force us to think about and discuss things well in advance.

And I'm still terrified that he's going to wake up on morning (whether we're living together or not) and suddenly realize that I'm not all that he thinks I am.  I mean, I've been 100% me this entire time.  He knows lots of unappealing things about me and he knows the good things about me.  I'm pretty sure he actually knows who I am and not what he thinks I am.  But I still can't grasp what makes him so drawn to me.  The last thing I want is for us to get married and have him realize this and then feel like he's stuck.

Of course, I think he worries about the same thing, only it'll be me coming to this realization about him.

I wonder if those kinds of thoughts are normal.

In other news, work is going pretty well.  The kids are healthy and seem to be happy, but they've been fighting a lot lately.  DS has packed on some weight in the last couple of weeks and has become a little chubber.

I've been keeping up with my exercising.  My weight's been sticking between 106 and 110, which I am happy about, and I think that fluctuation just has to do with where I am in my cycle.  My mom noticed that my legs are becoming rather shapely.  I have never in my life had shapely legs!!  My arms are definitely toned and it's causing veins I didn't even know I had to pop out.  I also have shoulder/neck muscle tone.  I'm not sure if I like that...it's not very feminine.  Overall, I'm happy with exercising and it's something I want to do and feel pretty bad if I miss a day.

I gave myself a pedicure this morning while waiting for it to warm up outside.  I'll take the kids out the play and wash my car.

I guess that's it for now.

Until next time...

Super duper fabulous week

This week has been pretty darn fantastic.

I've gotten to spend lots of time with BF and his son (three family nights this week!).  We also had our brief date night on Monday and BF will be coming over this evening.

I took off work on Wednesday because I had a child support conference.  I was so nervous because I hadn't seen X since October and I really didn't want to have to talk to him.  So while I was getting ready, I told God that I was putting it all in His hands.  I was going in there with the papers that I was required to get together and I wasn't going to try to sway the result in any way.

It went way better than I thought it would.  I didn't see X at all.  I don't know why.  I got there first and I was taken into a little room and the really nice lady who took the case informed me that he had filed to have the order transferred to MD, so that's why I was there, and she said she'd go run my numbers and then put his in when he arrived and see what happens.  When she came back in she said he was there, but he never came in and after we were finished, he had already left.

Not only did I not have to see him, the kids are also getting more than was originally ordered in PA even though I have a much higher income and X is still on unemployment!!

I don't know how that happened.  He also owes a good amount in arrears.

Nothing went the way I thought it would and that's a good thing.  It sure beats getting $4.02 per month.

So because that turned out so well, I have determined that I can likely move out on my own and know that I can still provide for the kids, even if I have to make sacrifices for myself.

I told this to BF and ever since he has talked about moving in together.

We had talked about this probably 2 months after we started dating when he first asked me about it and I told him that I don't believe in it.  It has to do with a lot of things: my religious beliefs, my values, my family, my kids, etc.  He seems to want to live together to determine if we would make it if we got married.

I told him that given what I know about his past and what I know about him now (which I think is a lot), if I feel like I need to live with him to feel like I can marry him, then I don't love or care about him enough to get married to him in the first place.  I'm sure there would be certain things that he does that would drive me crazy, but I am certain that he is a terrific guy and I love him more than I can explain and there is no little quirk or habit that he has that I wouldn't find out about until we lived together that would be a deal-breaker.

So anyway, I explained it to him again and he says he understands and he's just teasing, but he said it's something he thinks about on a daily basis.  I suppose that's a good thing.

In other news, I've been keeping up with my workouts.  It takes over an hour now to complete all five (abs, butt, pushups, legs, arms) and I do them any day I have some extra time, which ends up being just about every other day.  I made the mistake of weighing myself this morning...

I've gained 2.5 pounds in the last two weeks!!!!  Ahhhhh!!!  I wasn't expecting that, especially since my clothes are starting to fit better and I have a definable waist now.  I'm trying not to freak out about it and I keep reminding myself that muscle weighs more than fat and I've lost a bit of fat and I know I've gained some muscle.

I still haven't told BF that I've been doing it.  I know he'll tell me that I don't need to and then I might stop.  Or he'll think that he needs to start working out more because then I'll make him look bad (I think he needs to relax a bit more, to be honest...he's always buzzing around, wearing himself out).

I feel really accomplished when I've exercised and it gives me an adrenaline rush something.  It just feels good and I'm proud of myself for keeping it up for this long on my own.  Not to mention the health benefits.

Well, I suppose that's all for now.  Kiddos need lunch and I have lots of stuff to do before BF gets here in a few hours (yaaaaay)!

Until next time...

Custody rant

I had come on here earlier today to go over my week like I did in the last entry...but I have so much running through my head that I can't even remember what I did this week.  I guess I could remember if I forced myself to, but I don't really like rehashing the whole week going day by day.

BF and his son left for Florida early this morning and won't be back until next Saturday.  I'm kicking myself because I could have gone with him to go meet his father and step-mother, but I decided not to go because it was a long time to be away from my kids.

I'm missing him so much, it's crazy.  Sometimes I find myself getting choked up because he would have been here with me this evening.  I don't think I've cried in months.  It feels foreign, and I didn't realize this would be so hard for me.

DD and DS keep asking if they can see him and I can't explain it to them in a way that they'll understand that they aren't even anywhere near here right now.

I feel kind of bad about it, to be honest.  X is trying to talk me into giving him more custody.  I replied to him last Sunday, saying that he can find a supervised visitation program in Maryland and get back to me.  He replied after I was already in bed with this really long response, saying that our children need to see their father and that DD had asked him about it and it's important for their development and he feels a duty, etc.

I probably shouldn't say this here in case he reads this, but it would mean more to me if he just plain said that he loves them and misses them and wants to spend time with them instead of this other supposedly professional-sounding mumbo-jumbo.

The supervisor right now has no right to base whether or not he's ready to have more custody based on one hour of good behavior every week.  I know that he has still been in contact with TOW at least up until recently.

And funny enough, neither of my children say anything about him when they're home.  They talk about BF and BFS.  Even if I ask them about their visit with their dad, they don't say much.  They talk more about the supervisor and the toys and I have to pry for what they did with him.

But they always ask about BF, especially DS.  They'll be at daycare, where BF has never even been, and ask if he's there.

Maybe it's my fault.  Other than spending time with them, I haven't tried to force any kind of relationship between my kids and BF.  I haven't discouraged my kids from talking about their father.  However, I don't talk about X around them, but I do talk about BF.

Besides his one hour per week, X makes no contact with his kids.  No cards or calls on their birthdays or holidays.  If I cancel a visit because they're sick, he doesn't ask me how they're doing.  He doesn't talk to them at all.

Is it my responsibility to make sure he does those things?  I thought if he wanted to do all that, then he'd do it.  Or at least that's what I'd do.

I know that if someone asked him about it, he'd say that I wouldn't let him talk to them.  Fact is, he hasn't even tried.  The only reason why I might not let him talk to them is if he turned it into an interrogation session with me like he has in the past.

In certain ways, it would make my life a little easier if he had them part of the time.  Even if it's just for one day a week.  But I can't justify to myself putting them in a situation where they wouldn't be properly cared for or loved.

Ugh, I didn't mean to go on a rant about that.

I'd better go.  The choir makes their debut under my direction in the morning and I need sleep.

If I can even fall asleep.  I miss BF too much.

Unhappy face.

Not-so-great week

Last week was one of the worst weeks I've had in a long time.

I thought it was going to be great because I was carpooling with BF for most of the week, which meant that I'd get to see him first thing in the morning and right after work, in additional to any time we had already planned to spend together.

Monday, my period started a day early.  I know that's no big deal, but when you're not expecting it, it kind of is.  It's been like clockwork for the last few months...so I kind of wasn't prepared.  I handled it okay, it just meant that I spent date night feeling crampy and rather miserable.

Tuesday, I took DS to urgent care because he was wheezing and had a really bad cough.  The nurse practitioner there gave him a breathing treatment, which seemed to help and prescribed a steroid for what she said was bronchiolitis and an antibiotic for an ear infection.  Then I had to rush to the pharmacy and try to pick up those prescriptions before the store closed, only to find out that the antibiotic wouldn't be available until the next day.

Wednesday, I called the pediatrician to schedule a follow-up appointment as I was instructed to do at urgent care and they wanted to see him right away.  Well, I had carpooled and couldn't leave, so my mom had to drag both kids to the doctor's office only to have the doctor say that DS doesn't have an ear infection and that he thought he has asthma.  The asthma was only in one lung, though, and he wouldn't say what he thought it was.  So he prescribed a breathing treatment and a nebulizer and also wanted me to keep the prescription for the antibiotic because if he has a little bit of pneumonia, it'll clear up with the medication.

My mother wound up driving all over creation to get the nebulizer and decided I could pick up the meds on the way home from work.

I stopped to pick up the meds only to find out that the doctor had forgotten to call in the prescription for the breathing treatment.  I did end up leaving with both prescriptions, but it took much longer than I thought it would.

We didn't have family night.

DS was doing pretty badly that night, so I called off work on Thursday so I could keep an eye on him and take him to the emergency room if I needed to.

Thankfully, the breathing treatment helped and there were no emergencies.  I did find out, however, that I'm allergic to albuterol sulfate.  When I hold him on my lap for the treatment, some of the vapors come in contact with my face and it causes my upper lip to swell up and my nose and throat to get itchy.

Thursday wasn't terribly bad, though, because BF called me on the way home from work and showed up at my house to say hi for a few minutes.  It was definitely a bright spot to my day.

That night, I was in the middle of a great choir practice (10 people showed up and they sounded great!) when X texted me about discussing our custody arrangement.  I knew it was coming, but no amount of thinking about it would prepare me for when he actually spoke up.

I still haven't replied because I didn't know what to do.  I think I will reply this afternoon.  He isn't going to like it.

Friday was rather uneventful, but I was in a foul mood because of the stressful week.

Yesterday was okay.  I accomplished a little bit at home and had some time to breathe and relax.  BF came over late in the afternoon and spent a few hours with us.  DS sat on his lap to do his treatment before bed.  BF was okay with it, so I went to clean up our dinner mess.  I could hear them talking to each other.  It was really sweet.

I feel like this entry is extremely disjointed, so I guess I'll end here.  I hope this week is better.  I knew the emotional high I've been on wouldn't last forever, but jeeze...when it rains, it pours.

Off to church to sing in the praise band!