Missing someone

I'm going to pretend it hasn't been 3-4 months since I last wrote.

I had the sudden urge to write, so I hopped onto Hubby's laptop and it took so long to get to this point that I don't feel like writing anymore.

Blah.

My favorite holiday has come and gone...it felt less warm and cozy this year as compared to previous years. My parents hosted and for a while it was just me and Hubby and our kids and my parents, just like every Sunday, except BB was able to join us.  My little brother visited for a little bit and then my older brother and his wife and two kids came for the evening.  My oldest brother and his wife didn't come this year. My cousin was visiting with her new boyfriend's family. My aunt and uncle didn't come and my other cousin lives up northern PA now, so I haven't seen her in a while.

It just isn't the same anymore.

I have so much to be thankful for this year, but I'm feeling so lonely that I'm finding it difficult.

I hate to come back and mope around, but I just plain don't have anyone to talk to.

I'm finding myself daydreaming about re-igniting my friendship with my best friend from 5 years ago. I miss her so much. She was the kind of friend who would give me space when I got wrapped up in my own selfish little world...then when I finally snapped out of it she was right there and we would pick up exactly where we left off.

I became too selfish, though, and hurt her. I tell myself that when it came down to her or my children, my children come first. And I think that's true. I don't know if doing what I did is the reason I have them now, but I do know that doing what I did is the reason I don't have her.

Hubby says if she were a true friend she would have understood and we would have worked things out.

I've heard and read over and over that people leave our lives for a reason, but I'm longing to make amends and the proverbial ball is in her court and has been for years.

I'm such a crummy friend that I can't replace her.

It's not that anything in particular is wrong right now. My children are doing great, my marriage is surviving the normal ups and downs and miscommunications, but we still choose to love one another and fall for each other repeatedly. Our jobs are still stable as far as I can tell. Our finances are in good shape. Our health is in good shape.

I guess this post could indicate my mental health isn't.

I can't share these kinds of feelings or anything serious with Hubby anymore. I try, but he always ends up saying something hurtful. I tell him he was hurtful and he expects, "I was just joking" or "I was being sarcastic" to reverse everything.

Then that emotional hurts translates into other aspects of our marriage.

The sad feelings about my friend seem to be hanging around for good. The communication issues within my marriage are short-lived, thank goodness...though they do pop back up eventually.

My goal in writing this is to get it out and find relief.

I hope it works.