Conflicted on this whole blog thing...

Long time, no see. Possibly never see again after this...in the blogging world, I mean.

I've been battling some crazy stuff this year. That seems to be the story of my life.

I've tried writing an update many times and wound up deleting it because it became too long and I wasn't even finished writing.

I don't think there is a way to make a long story short.

My children and husband are doing great. Work is going well. Things in general are wonderful and we are greatly blessed.

Back in March I went and archived all of the blog posts I had written about my ex. I didn't delete them, I just didn't want them to show up in regular reading anymore. It had been over 2 years since I had any contact with him and I genuinely thought it was a chapter in my life that was finally closed.  Wouldn't you know it...right after I did that, my ex popped back into the picture. He wanted to set up visitation again.

Before I even got into that I proposed the adoption idea. He completely ignored it. I guess that's better than getting cussed out.

We found a supervised visitation program and we were being cordial with one another.

While trying to figure out a schedule he must have thought that he wasn't going to get what he wanted (might I add that the program manager and I had agreed that what I was proposing was best for the kids, but it wasn't the final decision unless he agreed to it) and that is when things went downhill.

He was becoming more agitated via text message and I had my husband calling to tell me that his ex was coming to him with all these accusations about me and my family, refusing to reveal her source.

That was pretty stupid. You would think if he wanted to attack me through her he would at least choose some new material. I knew exactly who her source was because it was exactly the same things he was saying years ago when he was threatening to take it all to my church family. It was all untrue. Anything that had started out true (and innocent, for that matter) was twisted around so much that it was certainly a lie. She confirmed her source after not much time by sending Hubby screenshots of their conversation on Facebook messenger, which showed his picture. Brilliant, I tell you.

Fortunately Hubby and I had talked about all the tough stuff long before we got married. I'm positive if you can talk about the scary and difficult things openly from the start then you can easily recognize the lies later on.

I'm not sure what their goal was. Destroy our marriage? Find a reason to take away our children? I'm fairly certain that if I were any danger I would be the one who lost custody.

Fast forward to about 2 weeks later...I was being accused of actively cheating on my husband. They said they had documented proof. Funny enough, Hubby didn't receive any screenshots of that. I know if they had anything they would have sent it (and it would have been fake or belonged to someone else).

She said there were e-mails and blog posts from February. That's when I started feeling uncomfortable with keeping this blog. This is the only diary I keep. I haven't posted anything since January until now. Do I keep chugging along, pretending like what they say doesn't matter? Or I do lock myself up so I can't be read? Do I get rid of this thing and never write again? Do I really have to give them that power over me?

I still don't know the right answer. My mom told me I should journal. Hand-journaling takes entirely too much time. I did think about locking up this blog so I can journal, and I still may.

Hubby told his ex that he trusts me and she needs to stop. Things were quiet for a while. The kids have been seeing him for an hour per week rather consistently since June. About two weeks ago he started back up with talking to Hubby's ex. He was telling her the same things as before.

If they are trying to create a rift between us, it isn't working. We have trust for one another and a marriage that is centered around God and our relationship with Him. I am in a better place now than I have ever been in every possible way. It feels amazing. God has been tremendously amazing in our lives.

What is causing a rift in our marriage is that we don't see eye-to-eye when it comes down to how we handle this stuff. I say stand your ground...be firm. He says stay low...keep the peace however possible.

This is only a portion of what I have had to deal with.

I'm trying so hard just to let go and let God.

Happy New Year

To anyone who reads this anymore: I hope you had a wonderful Christmas and smooth transition into the New Year!

We had a nice Christmas and new year. I've been so spoiled with getting to wake up with Hubby and spend the day together that going back to work yesterday and waking up later than him today felt foreign. He has called me three time already today, so I think it feels weird for him, too.

2016 looks like it's going to be a very busy year for us.

We've outgrown our home and we're on the search for a new one.  I really don't want to move, but there's no denying that this place is just too small for our 6-member family.

We're planning to get the ball rolling with Hubby adopting DD and LB. It has been over 2 years since they have seen or heard from their biological father.  They recognize Hubby as their dad, they want to change their last name to match ours, and they just don't seem to care about seeing their "old daddy" anymore. I'm unsure of how to initiate this process and I'm afraid that it will open pandora's box.

We're also hoping for a change regarding BB's custody. You wouldn't believe the nonsense that's gone on.  Something's gotta give. I'm tired of Hubby being verbally abused by his ex-spouse and me being the scapegoat for BB's apparent unhappiness. According to her, BB says that because his daddy married me he isn't allowed to do certain things anymore, like watch certain TV shows (and she tried to say he's not allowed to watch TV at all).

First of all, none of us watch much television. Second of all, BB used to have time to watch television after the other kids went to bed. However, his school is doing a reading program. He basically has to read 20 minutes per day. I encourage him to read earlier in the day, say right after snack, so he can watch television before bedtime. He chooses not to, so he reads after the kids go to bed and ends up having no TV time. His choice. Last of all, when he does have television time and the opportunity to watch the shows that I don't want DD and LB to watch, he asks to watch major league baseball or COPS. His choice.

Why the heck do I need to keep defending myself against this crazy woman??? Is he really saying these things? I makes it difficult for me when he comes back home because I feel like he's just pitted against me...when it's probably just her putting words in his mouth.

When Hubby calls him on the evening he doesn't have custody, BB always sounds unhappy, tired, uninterested, distracted, etc.  When his mother calls when we have him, he's peppy and energetic and talkative.  I don't know if it means that he doesn't want to talk to his dad and only talk to his mother or that he is unhappy at her house and happy at ours. We're not allowed to ask him. According to mom, he says that he is interrogated every he time comes home with us. We also hear her telling him in the background what he did that day and certain times he has to ask him mom what to say. I have a feeling she's the one interrogating...'cause I know we aren't.

That's just the tip of the iceberg.

Anyway...

My resolutions for 2016:

1. Keep eating healthy (I stopped drinking sodas, reduced carbs, more protein)
2. Keep exercising (Hubby and I work out together 5 days per week for about an hour)
3. Read through the Bible chronologically (failed at this last year, trying again with Hubby)
4. Less time on phone, more time with kids
5. Find things that make me happy without relying on people
6. Make new list of self affirmations