This is where I'm supposed to be

Today is the second anniversary of our first date.  It's also the fifth anniversary of the day I separated from X.

Will there ever be a day when I don't associate October 24th with that terrible experience?

In a way I take the first date date as life's "do-over".

Anyway, I totally forgot about it until I saw a post on FB yesterday asking about online dating and how long you should wait until you meet someone in person.  I was trying to figure out when our next milestone for our relationship is and I realized HOLY COW!  It's tomorrow and it's been two years already?!

We regularly reminisce about that time...

I think we talked online for about 2 weeks through the dating site where he found me.  He asked me how old my kids were and I replied with their ages only, thinking that would be it from him and I'd continue on my merry way.  He kept replying with questions and every time I replied and liked talking to him, but I kept wondering why in the world he's still talking to me.

When I completed my profile I was really blunt and to the point.  I guess I was trying to ward off phonies or people who were only out there looking for a fling.  I said I had been through a divorce and I know what I want and I have trust issues and I'm not taking anyone's crap!  I didn't say it quite like that, but that's the jist of it.  I also said the kids and I are a package deal and if you don't like kids just stop reading now or if you like me and not my kids then you can hit the road.

It was long and wordy and I'm shocked anyone even took the time to read it.

During the initial two week period he kept asking to talk to me on the phone and I didn't want to do it.  I told him the honest reason why (I hate the sound of my voice) and even after I gave him my phone number I would only text for about a week.  Now he tells me that he thought I was "catfishing".  He said he was getting more and more frustrated -- complaining to his best friend that I wouldn't talk to him -- and if I had taken too much longer he would've stopped talking to me altogether.

There are a lot of nutsos out there and you can't be too safe, you know?  2+ weeks isn't a terribly long time in my book, so if you can't hang in there that long, you're probably not worth it.

Now I look back and I'm really thankful that he did wait.

So finally I did talk to him on the phone and it became a daily thing that would last for hours.

I think we talked like that for about a week and then we met in person.

All in all it was 3-4 weeks that we conversed in some way or another.  I think that's a decent amount of time to get a feel for someone.  What really helped was that at some point after we had started talking some way other than the internet he told me that he had deleted his profile because he no longer felt the need to use it.

How freakin' cool is that?

I had told my parents about him already in that period of time, but I did not tell them that I was going to meet him when I did.

That was really wrong of me.  What if my judgment had been wrong and no one knew where I was?  I did it because I didn't want their criticism or to hear that I'm crazy or they won't let me do it...which is really immature.  I knew I wouldn't have the kids, so I wouldn't be putting them in any danger.  I am fortunate to say that nothing bad happened and I came home alive and unharmed.  My mom is particularly intuitive and she figured out what was going on before I even go home that evening.

We met at a local fast food restaurant after work.  He came with a white rose and the first thing he did was call me by the wrong name.

I knew he was nervous like I was and he said he had just been on FB while he was waiting for me he had seen a post by someone with that name so it just popped out of his mouth.  It wasn't exactly a dealbreaker and it was still too early, so I continued with the meeting.  The rose might have helped a little, too.

Our date was a trip to W@l*M@rt so I could do some birthday shopping for DS.  Fun, huh?  Neither of us could choose what to do, so I told him that I needed to get that done and he agreed.

When we were on the way to the store he told me that one of his three fears about meeting me came true.  One fear was that I would show up and actually be a man.  Another was that I'd show up with a bunch of guys and my dad and stuff him in the trunk of a car and take off.  The last fear and the one that came true was that I'd be more attractive than he is.  It was kind of an odd compliment, but I took it.  I might ask him about that now that I'm thinking about it again.

So we wandered around the store and he helped me pick some things for DS's birthday.  He told me later in our relationship that he spent a lot of time checking out my rear-end that day.  Haha!  Ha!  I wasn't aware that my butt was even worth being checked out and I don't remember what I wore that day that would make it look good.  I was a little alarmed when he told me because he said he wasn't interested in me because of my looks, but it's flattering to think about now.  If he had commented on it that day it probably would have been a red flag.

After the shopping trip we went to a restaurant and got pizza.  I was so anxious and nervous that I only ate about half of a slice and I think he ate one slice.  It was our first time being able to sit down and really look at each other and just talk.  It was especially scary for me, being anti-social and all, and I am not one to make a lot of eye contact.  I think we just talked about our families and decided to call it a night.

And that was it.  I didn't think the date went all that well, though I enjoyed it, and I truly didn't expect to hear from him again.  I'm fairly certain he called me that night and was already planning our next date.  And maybe an hour into that second date he was already asking me for a third.

All that is history now.  Never in a million years did I imagine it would get to this point.  It feels like yesterday and it's still surreal.  I wake up in the middle of the night and see him sleeping and think about how unbelievable and amazing it is.  At the same time, though, I forget that there was a time that we didn't even know the other person existed because it feels like it's been this way all along.

I haven't felt this good since before I had my heart broken for the first time, nor have I ever felt so complete and where I'm supposed to be as I do now.

Ugh?

Cramping for a week, not a spot of blood

Nausea off and on

Sore hips

Sore chest

Light headed/woozy

Frequent need to pee

Daytime fatigue, yet insomnia at night

In the middle of a pack of pills, all taken as they should have been

Negative tests

What the heck is wrong with me?!?!??

Semi-plans

I feel like writing today.

I don't think I finished telling the story about our trip. There isn't too much else to tell, I don't think. FS was feeling bad that Saturday and we all ended lazing around the house while he slept most of the day. The trip ended up being more relaxing than I thought it would be.

We're going tubing this Saturday since couldn't go that weekend.

Anyway, it turned out that FS wasn't feeling well due to strep. So it was expected that a couple days later me and F (I wrote BF first...I'm not used to this!!) and my two kids were all feeling terrible. That Tuesday I took off work and me and the kids had appointments with our doctors. My mom had to drive us to the one for the kids because I was feeling so bad I could hardly function. F had his appointment over an hour before mine, so I went with him to his and then he drove me to mine and then to the pharmacy to get all of the prescriptions filled.

I don't think my throat has ever felt so bad in my entire life. It didn't even hurt nearly that badly when I had strep a back in November/December.

We're all well now, though, thank God.

Let's see...I got another raise at work a few weeks ago. I was so ready to start looking for apartments. The date I was going to start my serious search was March 1, so F squeezed his proposal right in there. I'm kind of relieved that I don't have to look now.

We've been looking at houses nearby and Sunday we're going to go see some.

We've also been looking into wedding bands. It was when we first started pricing them that he told me that my ring is platinum. That didn't mean much to me until he said he wanted our wedding rings to be the same metal and it turns out to be more expensive than gold! I compared the color of my ring to the white gold ring my sister-in-law has and it looked identical to me, so I told I'm that I didn't care if the rings were another kind of white metal. It would save us a little money and no one would know the difference. He said he would know, though, so I think we may still get the more expensive ones. Where this money coming from is beyond me...the money I've saved is supposed to go toward a down payment on a house.

I'm pretty sure our wedding is going to be very small. I mean, super duper small. As in: whoever is officiating, his dad and step-mom, my dad and mom, FS, DD, DS, and a photographer. And we're thinking we'll do it in a park. And then right after, head out on our honeymoon, which has not been chosen yet.

I think we'll be married sometime this year. He said something about the fall, but he keeps joking about the summer.

I don't think reality has fully hit me yet. He's getting giddy with excitement and I'm still pretty cool calm and collected...though earlier today I thought about how we're going to looking at houses in a few days and I felt the first flutters of excitement in my chest.

Yes!

Have you ever felt like things in your life are so good -- too good -- that something bad is bound to happen at any moment?

My mother tells me that this is a form of paranoia and I shouldn't let myself think this way, but I can't help it.

I started writing this about two weeks ago, and it holds true that things are looking way too good right now.

This past weekend was the family trip to a popular vacation spot located in the western side of the state where I live. There is a ski resort and lots of places to rent beside a beautiful (and frozen over in the winter) lake.

BF rented a nice townhouse for us to stay in. It was even nicer in person than it was in the pictures on this rental ad. He said that we were going so the kids can go snow tubing, but I think the day before we left we discovered that there wasn't a hill meant for kids and my kids were too small for the adult hill. So there went that idea.

We went anyway, obviously. We dropped our stuff off at the rental house and then went out to eat and pick up some groceries for breakfast and lunch the next day. We got back and started the process of putting the kids to bed. While I was waiting for DS to fall asleep, BF ran back out to the store with the idea that we would have some adult beverages after the kids went to bed. I don't drink much, but that was fine with me. While he was gone, he called and was asking me about sparkling wine. Of all the things he wanted to buy, that was what he picked. I didn't know anything about wine, so I agreed to whatever he had found.

He got back and we put the other two kids to bed. He got the wine out of the freezer poured a glass for each of us and then said we should toast to something. Of course, he wanted me to pick what we would toast to and I was drawing one big huge blank. Do we toast to the snow tubing that we wouldn't get to do? Or our family trip? Toast to the frozen lake that we couldn't see because it was covered in snow?

Then he said something along the lines of, "Well, I knew this would happen...so I came with something to toast to" and he pulled out a cute little sterling silver box with a diamond ring inside. Then I think he said he wanted to toast to the rest of our lives together. I just sat there grinning like a goof ball and he says something about my not giving him an answer...to which I replied, "You never asked me a question!"

Oh, I sure know how to make a moment special.

He asked me to marry him after that, and I said yes.

Believe it or not, I didn't know it was coming. I had already decided that it wasn't going it happen because I just didn't see how it could. As far as I knew he still wanted/needed to talk to my parents about it and he said after the discovery of not being able to go tubing that he really didn't want to go anymore.

But he talked to my parents last Monday and we did still go.

The ring he gave me is...I don't know what it is. It's some kind of white metal with a round cut diamond of an unknown size with three little diamonds going down the band on both side of the big one. He said it's from the 40s or 50s. The posts around the center diamond make it looks like it's square cut. I haven't asked for any information about it because I don't care much about the ring, except he gave it to me and I do think it's beautiful and perfect.

He said the ring was already in my size when he bought it and he had to get the hinge on the box repaired and it just so happened to be ready the day before we were supposed to leave.

I've attached some pictures and I don't know where they'll show up. And I think I'll refer to BF as F (for fiancé...feels weird to say that) from now on and BFS will be FS.

I'll share more later. F should be here soon and I think we're going to decide on some basic wedding/marriage things. So exciting!

Grab a snack, this is a long 'un

Lots of good stuff going on, I think. I hope writing it here doesn't jinx it!

First, I'm writing this here blog on a 'toy' that I got for myself with part of my tax refund. It's an iPad!!! The mini one. I had some issues setting it up, but it's all good to go now and I'm loving it. I can pretty much type like I would using a normal keyboard, which is really nice and much faster than using the one or two thumb method on my phone.

Second, I may or may not have gotten one of these for BF for Valentine's Day. Shhhh...

Third, after a crappy morning followed by a bad mood all day, BF called me out of the blue about half an hour before I wanted to be at the church for choir practice and offered to watch the kids for me. And I'll tell you what...my choir members (especially the women) were more than impressed that he offered to do it without my asking. I can't even begin to describe the kind of reaction they had. It was some mixture of really?! and that's a special guy right there and ohhh things must be serious for him to do that! I'll be honest, when they asked where the kids were and I gave them a brief explanation, I didn't expect that kind of response. It made me feel pretty good, though. They're always asking about him and how things are going and telling me how they think he's such a good guy.

Fourth and lastly (I think), and this is a pretty big one, we're taking a mini family vacation at the end of the month. We (me, BF, BFS, DD, DS) are renting a townhouse for two nights at a beautiful nearby resort. We'll leave on a Friday, spend Saturday snow tubing with the kiddos, then leave Sunday morning. He keeps calling it a romantic getaway, but I can't let myself think of it that way. We may have evenings to spend together after the kids go to bed (IF they go to bed), but I feel like the rest of the time will be spent rushing around and worrying about the three little ones we'll have with us. I have my thoughts on why he would call it a romantic getaway, but I can't let my heart settle on that, either. I do think it'll be fun and it will be good to get to spend that time together, I just don't think it'll be so much romantic as it will be time with family.

Oh. I guess this is the last thing. My parents have been away on vacation for a few days. I've been getting up at 3:30 every morning this week to get the kids to daycare and myself to work or to meet up with BF and carpool. It's been interesting the exhausting. Tomorrow is the last super early morning and for that I am thankful. Every morning before I leave I have to feed and get all the pets ready for the day...the two kitties downstairs, three kitties outside, and living barbecue...err, I mean, the bird down in the sunroom...get the fireplace burning so it'll be hot enough to heat the house all day, get myself ready, get my kids and their stuff ready for the day.

In all this I discovered that the water heater is on the fritz. Monday morning I was greeted with a scalding hot shower. Tuesday was freezing cold shower (ultimately no shower at all...ew). Reset the heater Tuesday night, get a scalding hot shower Wednesday morning. Thursday morning? Freezing cold. I predict Friday morning will be scalding again, since I reset it again this afternoon.

This morning sucked. I didn't get to carpool with BF and I didn't think I'd get to see him at all today. I stabbed myself with a piece of wood so badly that I bled. Freezing shower. Cat managed to get inside while I was feeding them outside and I had to chase him down. Wifi was down here, so I couldn't download my favorite podcast to listen to at work. I know that last one sounds dumb, but I look forward to it and it makes a couple hours of my morning go by faster. All of this was in the first hour I was awake.

I have to say, though, that BF has been so helpful. He's kept me company during most of the evenings my parents have been gone. He watched the kids tonight, which was very helpful. Tonight and another night he went outside and brought in lots of firewood so I wouldn't have to go out and do it myself until the next time he comes over. I didn't ask him to, he just did it. He went out to get us dinner one night and brought BFS over to play and we looked at rental places together.

It's little good things like that that far outweigh any of the other things I have complained about or things we have semi-argued about or ways we've unintentionally hurt each other. It's those little good things that make me feel like if we get married, life is going to be so much better because we help each other in so many different ways. And if we don't get married, I'm just going to enjoy every minute of this while he's still here with me.

I don't feel like I explained that right, but at least I know what I mean. Ha!

Oh. And really lastly, and then I'll call it a night, I took the kids out for dinner last night and a random person who sat near us complimented the kids on how well behaved they are. Then this afternoon DD, out of the blue, told me that I'm a good mommy.

Despite how hard this week has been...and I still have some more time to go...my heart is overflowing with love and appreciation right now.

/end book

You are not him, this I know.

Yet again I'm ever so thankful for the fact that BF and I can discuss things. Had a rough couple of days due to conclusions being made based on assumptions.

The air has been cleared, things are back to normal...I think we both need to work on realizing that we not each others' exes. Clearly!

Define: Soon

So.

I have a lot to write, but I don't know where to start.

Hmm...

I still haven't heard from X. It's been long enough that's not making any sense to me now. I mean, I had a really strong feeling this would happen, but I just don't understand why. Why would he want to talk to DD on her birthday and meet up with us outside of regular visitation and seem to care and then when he has the chance to do it some more, with the possibility that we could work out something that would give him more time with them, he does nothing? And to top it off, the last time he saw them, he told them that he would take them to Chuck3Ch33s3 and they bring it up almost every day. BF and I took them and BFS there on Wednesday to see if it would get their mind off of it, but they wanted their father to come, too, and that same night when I was getting DD ready for bed, she brought up going with him on Mondays again.

I don't understand her attachment to him. Granted, almost every time he saw them toward the end of last year, he had presents for them. But she remembers when she would spend time at his house and she told me that she cried because she wanted me and didn't want to be there. I think she's just making the connection that Mommies and Daddies have a relationship of some sort. She also brings up how he and I hadn't seen each other for a long time. I don't know how she would know this. She says she just knows. I told her that it was okay that I hadn't seen him and she said it wasn't and "What if he wants to see you?!?!?!" She also threw in there somewhere something about me and him being married.

All I can tell her about all this is that he and I hurt each others' feelings too much to be able to do any of that. I also told her (and maybe this is wrong of me) that one day I could marry someone who could never be her daddy, but he can care about her and love her like a daddy. I didn't name names.

Last Saturday I successfully cooked dinner for the first time in my entire life. Yeah, I know that's pretty bad. I remember attempting a dinner when I was married, but it dried out because I didn't cover it as it baked. Then any other time I tried to cook X took over or he didn't let me cook at all. I tried to cook a chicken dish a few weeks ago and the kids wouldn't eat it and it was very bland and dry. So I tried my hand at lasagna soup and it was great! The kids picked at it, but said it tasted good. BF devoured his and his son's and took home leftovers, and a couple days ago he wanted to know if there was still any left that he could have!

Needless to say, I felt pretty proud of myself. Today I'm going to try to make a zesty italian chicken dish. It's a crock pot meal and it looks delicious. I have to make my own italian seasoning, though. It's in a white sauce and poured over pasta.  Mmm...

Regarding the apartment issue, BF had asked me if getting engaged would change my mind (before I discovered the apartment wasn't going to work with my budget). He wasn't trying to talk me out of it, but I think he was concerned what would happen if I moved out and then he proposed. And of course he was saying that I know that it's going to happen soon. I think soon for him is different than soon for me. When I tell my kids we're going to do something soon, I mean in 1-2 weeks. I'm pretty sure he's been saying "soon" since before Thanksgiving. So I'm not going to think too much about that and try to plan around something that probably isn't going to happen my kind of "soon". So I have a certain invisible deadline/timeline where if it doesn't happen, then I will start looking for an apartment again. I'm not using it as an ultimatum for him, since he doesn't know that's my plan, it's just me allowing more time for things to happen before going through with my own plans.

I hope there's nothing wrong with doing that.

Besides, my annual review is coming up at work in February...or at least it should be. It's possible that I could get another raise, though I'm not expecting it at all. I can't imagine getting another one. I didn't expect any of them that I did get. So I want to wait and see what happens with that. If it falls after my invisible deadline, then I'll push the deadline back a little, or at least until I do get my review.

Now I think it's time to bundle myself and the kids up and go out to play in the snow!!

You're a monster

I was essentially labeled an emotional monster by mother just now.

She thinks the birth control or BF has to go.

I don't think she can solely blame my moods on those two things.

There are a lot of factors playing into this.

Single mom
A toddler and a preschooler
Custody issues
Waking up before 4 am for work every week day
Dating another single parent
Living with my parents
Working full-time
Having trouble sleeping

Who knows what else.

I'm just plain exhausted all the time. I have no social life. I get chewed out about something every day. I have no privacy or freedom. BF and I have no alone time anymore.

But somehow it all boils down to those two things.

I'm not refilling my prescription this week.

I think all I really want is to be left alone for a little while.

And to have a good hard cry.

On a happier note...

Supervised visitation is no more.  Or at least the way we've been doing it, it's no more. The lady who has been supervising got pretty upset with X when he didn't show that week and after she called and left him numerous messages and never got to talk to him, she decided it had been long enough and that he's unmotivated and we're out of their jurisdiction now, so they weren't going to do it anymore.  She said that we're smart enough to figure something out on our own.

So last Monday was the last one.  I'm kind of glad that I got to take them up there for it because I had the opportunity to say goodbye and thank her for everything she did for us.

Guess how soon I heard from X about arranging something else?

...I'm still waiting to hear from him. That boggles BF's mind because he said if it were him, he would have called the next day, if not that same night. I've tried to explain to him that this is the way it has always been. I'm curious how long it will be before I do hear from him. Then I have the thought that maybe it's my responsibility to try to set things up. But my part of the situation is ideal. I don't want to change anything. So I keep telling myself that if he really wants to see them and he really wants something to change, then HE needs to initiate and reach out to make something happen.

I'll work with him. He knows this from our meeting a few weeks ago. But if he thinks I'll switch to unsupervised, he's lost his mind.

Regarding those last few entries again...

BF and I talked a lot about stuff last night and some time during the week we talked about the whole engagement/marriage thing. I tried to put my feelings in a way that he would understand by saying it's like if I were to agree to move in with him and say I was doing things to get ready to move it, but not telling him what I'm doing. Then keep saying the same things over and over...yes, I'm getting ready to move in, I just can't do it yet...there are things holding me up, but I'm working on them. No visible evidence that would show that I'm actually doing something about it, just what I say. Then 6 months go by and I still haven't moved in. I know he would be really frustrated and hound me about what's taking so long or he would think I'm lying and I really don't want to move in at all.

I think he finally got it and hasn't brought up anything since.

And while I complain a lot (these blogs I keep tend to be for venting, since I feel like I have no one to talk to about these things), I do love him dearly. I get frustrated and a little emotionally hurt, but I still can't imagine spending my life with anyone else. And the hurt and frustration are nothing compared to the other good feelings I have the rest of the time.

And if I spend the rest of my life dating him, I'm okay with that. I don't think I've ever been this happy in my entire life.  Well, besides the days my children were born. I was so happy I cried on those days. But as a whole, even having been through what I have been through and not being in an ideal living situation, I'm so happy with BF and BFS and my kiddos and I don't want to lose any of it if it meant that I would lose any of them.

So if he wants to propose, he will do it when he's ready to.

Until that happens, I will continue to enjoy what we do have because it is amazing and I wouldn't trade it for the world.

Consistently inconsistent

I should get extra points for being consistently inconsistent. As much as I want to update on a regular basis, I never do. I think about it a couple times per week, but I don't feel like I have anything important enough to say.

The same feelings I had in the last real entry I wrote are still there. Not the borderline mental, medication-induced feelings that I didn't realize were affecting others.

People keep asking me about when I'm going to get engaged.  I just shrug my shoulders or throw my hands up in the air or just give them the good ol' "I don't know".

I almost feel like this is a form of emotional torture.

Nearly every day there's mention of living together, "When we get married...", "things will be changing soon...", questions of what kind of wedding I'd want, etc.

As far as I'm concerned, there's no wedding to plan for. No house to look for. For me, it's IF we get married.

I feel like a spoiled brat, getting in a bad mood because it hasn't happened yet and he's making me hope for it so badly.

He says in his head we're already married. I think I've mentioned that before. The reality is, again, that we are not. We're not even on the road to getting married.

This has been going on for months now.

My mom mentioned the other night that she thought for sure it would have happened before the new year. She thinks he's just afraid. He and I have talked about it before and he says he's not.

The thing is, it's been so long of hearing it that I'm starting to not believe him.

My first thought when he says how much he misses me or how much he wishes we were living together already or he can't wait until the day we are married is "Yeah, right".

That's not normal.  *frowny face*

Actions speak louder than words...and all there is is words.  Lots of them.  Lots of the same words. Sounds coming out of his mouth.

I've told him that I don't believe him sometimes.

I don't know who is the one who is abnormal, here.  Me or him. It has me frustrated to the point of tears. I feel like I'm doing something wrong.

I thought if someone wanted something that badly, they would get it as soon as they could. I also thought that men typically kept these things to themselves until the day it happens...I mean, I have prior experience with that part.

I'm just going to take a moment...  p98y t4 saeu,sam4 m,.tmn,zdf.vbmc qer

I feel a little better now.

In other news, my kids are 3 and 5 years old now.  I had some nice cuddle time with DD before she went to bed this evening. They are both jigsaw puzzle lovers and are constantly putting them together. They also play really well together and it's cute to hear them pretending to play house. They also know how to fight like professionals.

There have been some custody/visitation issues. My mom won't take the kids to visitation anymore, so I have to start leaving work early every Monday. So no more date night for me and BF. X has been bad about making it to visitation.  He has cancelled quite a bit over the last couple of months and the last scheduled one, he didn't even show. The people who supervise want to close our case. I did meet up with him outside of normal visitation so he could see the kids and give them birthday/Christmas gifts. BF came with me, of course. That was a little uncomfortable.

BF wants to talk now, so I guess I'll close. Maybe I'll write more tomorrow...probably not.

Talk talk talk it over

Well, we ended up talking about it tonight. I guess he felt my bad mood and I was taking it out on him and I didn't realize how bad it was.

If any of that made sense.

I feel a little better after talking, he says he feels better, too.

I decided to look up the side-effects of the medications I'm on. A possible side effect of prednisone is depression. I've had these feelings for weeks now (about the words words words), but didn't feel like this until the day after I took my first 3-pill dose of the steroid.

So just like that other birth control I was on, no prednisone. I'll finish out this bottle I have because it's already tapering off, but there has to be an alternative if I ever need it again...if it's even working.

I don't feel like myself and it's making me think the crazy thoughts again.

I'm not blaming it on the medication entirely. Like I said, I already had my frustrations. But I didn't treat my boyfriend like crap over it until now.

Follow-up appointment with my primary care on Monday. Maybe I can do something about it then. Otherwise, I have to make it to Thursday.

I don't know if I'll even be able to stand myself for that long.

Sad face.

I'm sorry, BF.

Stop feeding me blah blah blah

I've been sick for 3 weeks now. I finally went to the doctor on Wednesday and was diagnosed with bronchitis and eventually some kind of strep. On top of that I think I had the worst sinus infection I've ever had and the antibiotic they put me on got rid of that in 24 hours, but I still feel the pain sometimes. They also put me on prednisone and gave me an inhaler for my coughing attacks.

I don't know if it's the meds or being sick for so long or maybe I'm just frustrated with things in general, but I have been in some foul mood...especially when it comes to BF.

He is just all talk talk talk but no action. What is that song by Ke$ha? "Blah blah blah blahblahblah blah blah Comin' outcha mouth witcha blah blah blah..."

There are so many things he says and then doesn't follow through. Or he puts it into some code that I'm figuring out on my own. Like, "I'll see what I can do..." or "I don't think..." or "I'll try" means that it's not going to happen. He just doesn't want to flat out tell me so.  Instead, he gets my hopes up and even though now I know what it means, I still hope.  I mean, for goodness sake...just tell me so I can get past the disappointment and move on to something else.

He said that he doesn't come have lunch with me on Fridays anymore all the time because he doesn't want me to get used to it. Nope, he doesn't come at all now and hasn't since last spring. If you don't want to come anymore, just say so! Don't try to pretty it up and make it seem like you're trying to do something good or special when you have no intention of doing it at all. I just get disappointed every single Friday because there's that tiny glimmer of hope that maybe he'll actually do it this time. I usually don't hear from him at all on Fridays. Maybe at 8:30 in the morning, then after that -- nothing.

"I'm never too busy for you."
"If I were there right now, I'd go out of my way to see you."
"I'll have to make sure I stop by and see you."

But he is too busy.
But when he is around, he doesn't go out of his way to see me.
And he doesn't stop by and see me.

He says he wants to marry me. He talks about it constantly. He won't tell me his plan. He told me some of the things that are holding things up...things that are petty and I don't care about and he knows this.  I feel like they're excuses to put it off. And that's fine. Just stop talking about it, please.

The sad thing is, I've already discussed these things with him and how it makes me feel, but it doesn't stop.

And my mother, in a conversation we had a few weeks ago about something else, said that I can't get on him about this stuff because then he'll stop talking to me about anything.

So what am I supposed to do?

I find myself on the verge of tears because all of this stuff gradually builds up and it's especially difficult when he asks me what's wrong and I feel like I can't talk to him about it because I don't want to be a nag.

I can feel myself putting my walls back up.

I'm so tired of being fed words, words, and more words just because he thinks it's what I want to hear. I just want the truth, even if it's hurts a little. At least the hurt and disappointment is over quickly instead of being dragged out for weeks and months.

Maybe I'm just being immature about the whole thing.

/end venting session

Randomness, like usual

The kiddos and I had a semi-successful Christmas shopping trip this evening.  We went to the mall and picked up some things for a few people. It's getting harder and harder to shop for people..and now I think it's been long enough that I've known BF and his son that I think they should get separate gifts from me and the kids.

I'm debating whether or not I should give X a gift from the kids or not.  Last year I sent them a wrapped framed picture of them to give to him.  I don't know if he cared about it or not.  I just ordered prints of our 2012 portraits and ordered an extra 5x7 of one of them. I guess I should give it to them to pass along to him.

Anyway, the unplanned Christmas shopping trip happened because BF is at a bachelor party tonight and I didn't want to be sitting around thinking about how he would normally be here with me.  I think the kids really liked it, though, and it got us out of the house.  They were pretty well behaved and I rewarded them with small milkshakes, which they've never had before.  DD thought it was "soooooooo good".

This morning I had brunch with BF, his mother, and BFS. I'm not much of a talker and neither was his mom. I don't know how it went. I mean, nothing bad happened, but I don't know how she felt it went. I guess I'll find out soon enough. I sat in the backseat of the car with BFS for part of our time out and I think he really liked it. It was a rather nice short bonding time with him.

And on a random note, I made a cool discovery this morning. Well, not really a discovery.  I had read somewhere a long time ago that using hair conditioner as a shaving cream works really well. So I switched hair products recently and had some leftover conditioner and finally decided to try it that way. It was amazing! I switched razors a few months ago and while I had less irritation after shaving, the shave wasn't as close (which is probably why I had less irritation) and I was using a foaming shaving lotion. Using the conditioner gave a super close shave. So close that even after I got out of the shower and had goosebumps on my legs, I still didn't feel any hair. And there's no razor burn or irritation.  I may just switch to conditioner from now on and skip the gel/cream.

So, as a beauty tip -- and possibly a money-saving tip -- use your leftover conditioner as a shaving cream!  It works!  The only downside is I can't see exactly where I shaved last. BUT that's not a deal breaker for me.

I guess that's it for now.  Until next time...

Fifth time's a charm

I don't know how many times I've sat down at the computer, typed out an entire entry, then ended up deleting the while thing and walked away. I think I've done it at least 4 times.  Hopefully this doesn't turn into the fifth. Haha!

So many things have been going on that I just don't feel like I've written enough when I do write.  I don't know why I feel like I have to fully disclose everything.  I guess I like to look back and re-read these things from time to time, but I don't think there would be anything important that I absolutely have a to have included.

Actually, there are two things: we celebrated DS's third birthday at the end of October and my and BF's first exclusive dating anniversary.

I can't believe DS is 3 years old. It feels like he was just born yesterday, and now he's a walking, talking, master jigsaw puzzle solving, alphabet reciting, singing, block building, counting, almost preschooler.  Last year he didn't do much of anything of those things.  He has grown so much.  And he's such a sweet little guy.  He's a cuddler, for sure. If he spots me sitting down, he has to sit on my lap.  When I pick him up from daycare or come home after work, he immediately runs up to me and grabs my legs and nuzzles his face into them.

I'm really glad BF has gotten to see him grow in this way. When we're all out together in public, he looks like he could be their father...though not in looks.  But the way they cling to him and he takes charge in looking after them, it could easily be mistaken. If someone asks, he is quick to point out that BFS is his own and the other two are mine.

It's so awkward, but I guess that's what you're supposed to do.

I haven't seen BFS all that much, but I feel like we made some great strides a few days ago during family night.  BF and I spent the day together for our anniversary and then picked up BFS from the bus stop and then my kids from daycare. Then we all went to the grocery store to pick up dinner items and BFS held my hand for the first time!  And sometimes he'd grab my arm and rest his head against it.  I thought my heart was going to explode, it was so touching and I felt so close to him just in that moment.

So despite not spending a lot of time with him, maybe 3 hours a week, we're making progress.

Speaking of progress...BF has been talking marriage a lot lately.  He said he was looking at rings and he keeps asking me about wedding plans and picking a warmer anniversary date. I still struggle with talking about future plans when at this point it's not a guarantee that we have anything to plan for.  Granted, even when we are engaged it's not a guarantee, but it's certainly more likely to happen. Yesterday he said he can't wait until I'm his wife, and I wanted to say, "THAT'S WHAT AN ENGAGED MAN WOULD SAY TO HIS FIANCEE!!!"  But I didn't.  Because I'm not psycho and I don't want to push him into something before he's ready.  Though I don't think I'd really be pushing...but if it's what he wanted now, you'd think it would already be done. Does that make sense?

I honestly think that in his head we're already engaged.  I think if he could, he'd skip that whole part and just get married right away.

I guess that's a good thing.  I thought it was usually women who thought that way, but he has certainly made it clear that he is more than ready and super excited to move onto that part of our lives together.

I think I'm officially meeting his mom next weekend. That randomly came up when we talked last night. I'm thinking that's the thing he's been waiting for before we do move forward.

So I have a gut feeling that there could be some exciting news to be shared in the near future, though I'm not going to try to predict when.

I guess that's all for now.  I think I'll actually post this one!

Until next time...

As someone who cares

Well...so far, so good on the pill front.  I've only been on the new one for about 2 full weeks, but I feel pretty normal.  I haven't had any irrational thoughts and I'm not breaking out too badly.  The doctor/nurse said it would take a few months to become accustomed to it, but I'm pretty happy with them right now.

X has been asking to discuss with me over the last few months the situation with the kids.  Between taking 24+ hours to reply or replying when I'm already in bed, it would go up to two months before he'd mention anything again.  So couple weeks ago we finally "discussed" the situation and got nowhere.  He told me before that nothing that is in the current custody order is an issue anymore, which I know is not the case.  I know he and TOW (who, from now on will be known as XW) are together and that they're expecting a child at the end of the month.  I alluded the fact that I know more than he thinks I know and that his dishonesty and lack of good judgment are huge issues for me.  He made it seem like I was referring to divorce issues and basically told me that anything that needed to be discussed couldn't be done outside of a courtroom.

So I'm waiting for something from the court.

If he thinks for a second that I'm willingly going to let him take my children around someone who is abusive, he is out of his mind.  It's bad enough that he's putting himself in that situation (and soon his newborn son) and if that's what he wants to do, I don't care, but why in the world would he want to subject his kids to that?  Even if she didn't do anything to them, it's bad enough if they see them fighting or abusing each other.

I truly do just want to protect them.  They are healthy and they are happy and in no way am I punishing them like he says I am.  And I don't know how he thinks he can take them out to do things when he can't even pay his child support and he has another kid on the way who he will have to support and care for as well.

I'll just have to wait and see what happens.

Things with BF seem to be going well, still.  I had a few days where I was feeling a bit dejected by him and Monday we had a heart to heart about it.  I hadn't said anything to him about it because I was trying to figure out if it was something that I was supposed to be upset about or if I was being unreasonable.  We had watched a movie about a couple that had been engaged for 5 years and things got really bad over that period of time.  After the movie was over he was asking me if I was having doubts about him and all the stuff on my mind came out.

The bad thing was that I had no solution for anything I said.  They were just feelings I had and I still had no clue what to make of them.

The good thing was that he listened.  He listened!  Oh my gosh, I can't even begin to tell you how nice it was to be able to talk to someone like that not have the blame immediately placed on me or to be told that I'm being ridiculous.  He said that my feelings are my feelings and I shouldn't feel bad for what I feel.  He tried to talk it out with me and has since made an effort to try and fix things, even though we don't even know if those things are really a problem or even the root of the problem.

Just talking about it made me feel better.  Now that I'm writing, I think the problem may have been that I felt like he just didn't or wouldn't care.  The things he did added to the things he said (and those things probably shouldn't have been added together) just didn't send out a good message and I didn't think he would care how I felt or even want to talk about it.

But he did care and he did want to talk.

Words can't describe how much I appreciate that and how much it makes me adore him even more.  Thinking about it gets me a little choked up.

Yeah, I have no doubts.  I don't know for certain what the future holds, but I do know that he is a truly good man and I am so blessed for having him in my life.

Now I can't stop smiling!

One year already?!

Tomorrow it will be one year since my divorce was finalized.

Time flies when you're having fun, right?!

I can't believe it's been that long already, yet sometimes it feels like it should be the third year.

I was trying to remember where I was at this point last year.  I don't mean physically. I didn't write but one entry last August and then the next was in November after I had already met BF and started falling for him.

I think this time last year I was anxious for it to be over, not knowing the emotional roller-coaster that was coming.  I thought I knew what I was going to do.  I thought I knew who I was going to date.  I had everything planned out in my head until the day I found out that it was all over (which wasn't until September 2 or 3, I don't think).  I was excited, but confused.  I realized that they guy I thought I was going to date wasn't who I wanted to date.  I told him that I didn't think he was in a place where he should be dating (he spent most of our talks telling me why he was such a bad person instead of trying to convince me that he was a great person and ready to be who he wanted to be).  But I also realized that I needed some time to be truly alone.

I don't think I've talked to that guy since.  He sent me a message this past January and I didn't reply...it was weird.  He was trying to explain how he couldn't explain his behavior and that he hoped we could be friends again and that he was dating someone and saw I was dating someone and that he's happy for the both of us.  He also said that it would be his last communication with me until he heard from me.  So I decided to leave well enough alone.

Anyway, I feel like that whole other mess was directing me to where I am now: successful at my job, mother of two healthy and happy children, loved by a gentle giant.

That's the best way I can describe him.  Gentle giant.  I never in a million years would have predicted that this good-looking 6'3" man would have such a big heart, be such a good dad, be capable of loving the way he does, be adored by my kids and return the adoration, be more ticklish than I am, or fall for someone like me.

I should probably save stuff like that for my entry at our 1 year dating mark.

I feel like I'm right where I'm supposed to be.  Things seem to be moving at a reasonable pace.

As terrible and mind-numbing as it was, I'm thankful for all the things I had to deal with for those 8 years.  I'll still be dealing with it to some extent for the next 15 years, but I have someone who says he will stand by me through it all.

I'll say it again: God has been so good to me.

I survived

Well, I finally realized that certain things didn't work on that last template I used.  I tried to change to something else, but blogger wouldn't accept the code.  So I'll just stick to a pre-made one already on here that I know will work.

I survived the reunion weekend!  We left Friday right after work and drove up to Pittsburgh.  BFS is a good traveler.  Anyway, after some traffic and nearly going to the wrong hotel, we finally got to our destination at about 10:30 pm.  I met his dad and step-mom that evening.  It was pretty brief, so shortly thereafter we retired to our rooms and went to bed.

Next day we had brunch with his parents and then headed to the reunion.  BF said there would only be 30 or so people there, but I think it was more like 50!  He didn't really know anyone, so we pal-ed around together the entire time and spent some more time talking to his parents (thus, I got to know them a bit better).

There was lots of stuff to do there.  There was fishing, horseshoes and some other games, horsey rides for the kids, lots of food and drinks...and there was more, but for the life of me, I can't remember what it is.  BFS had a mental checklist of things he wanted to do while he was there.  It was kind of cute and I'm pretty sure he did all of it.

After that, we had dinner/dessert with his parents and then retired to bed.

Sunday, we had breakfast with his parents and then headed home.  BF had to drop BFS off with his ex, then he came back over for game night with my parents.

He said that his parents like me and they both have the same good feeling about me.  That is such a hugely humongous-ly gigantic relief!  I liked them, too.  They were very nice and welcoming and I enjoyed talking to them.  They told me that they expected me to come down and visit with BF and BFS if they come down during the winter (ahhhhh!!!).

Even though we spent just about every second of 48 hours together, I felt like it had just been another trip to work.  I don't know if that made sense.  It didn't feel like we actually saw each other as much as we did.  Maybe it's because we were so busy the entire time.  He said he felt the same way.  I don't know if that's a good or bad thing.  I guess it's good...it's better than feeling like the weekend dragged on and we got sick of each other.

We've actually seen each other every day for over two weeks now.  And not just for 5 minutes.  I just doesn't feel like that much.

Last night we went to a local baseball game together (our team won and they had fantastic fireworks afterwards!) and today it feels like I didn't even see him.

He's been talking about wedding stuff and houses lately.  He showed me a house that he wants in WV and he wanted to know if I liked it.  I am so close to grabbing his face in my hands and making him look me in the eye while I tell him, "You're thinking about this all out of order!!!!!"

I can't make him propose, but I feel like that needs to happen before I even toy with the idea of anything else.

And funny enough, he was talking about a cruise wedding and yesterday I get something in the mail for the first time from a major cruise line.

All of this is still so exciting and scary and somehow depressing.

Oh well.

In other news, I've been keeping up with my walking/running.  I ran before work yesterday and one of my feet went numb.  I googled it and it looks like when people have this problem it because of their shoes or socks.  I haven't tightened the laces on my shoes since I got them and I know they're broken in by now.  So I hope it's just because it was already 80 degrees outside so my feet probably swelled a little and my sock had gotten messed up.

I'm being beckoned by my mother.  Later!

Run run run

One of my least favorite things about writing here is that I don't know how to start an entry.  I don't know how many times I sit down to write and then don't because I can't even figure out the first sentence.

How lame.

Things have been rather uneventful over the last two weeks, I think.  I have trouble remembering what happens from day to day because it feels like time is going so incredibly fast.  The year is already over halfway over and so much is coming up...or at least it feels like there so much coming up.

One of the office assistants had her last day of work two Fridays ago, so this week I and a co-worker (I'll call her Leigh) have been alternating days being office assistants.  I kind of like it.  It gives me a break from paying claims and it gives me something different to think about.  It also helps keep my production up, I think, which makes me look good.  Or better, anyway.

I carpooled with BF Monday through Thursday.  It's nice to be able to save some gas, but I really like getting to see him first thing in the morning.  And it's nice to ride with someone (and the fact that it's him makes it so much better).  It makes me dislike Fridays, though.  He doesn't work on Friday and I typically don't get to see him at all...which is what happened yesterday.  Seeing each other for more than just 5 minutes every day since Saturday and then a day with nothing at all feels kind of crappy.

I went for a run last Saturday.  Actually, it was more like a power walk than a run.  I probably ran/jogged .75 miles total and briskly walked the rest of the time.  I splurged on a pair of nice running shoes to get myself motivated.  They weren't too expensive, I don't think, but they were more than I would typically spend on a pair of shoes and they had a good rating and looked like they were good quality.  It was a brand I've worn before and they are silver and black and hot pink!

Anyway, I figured if I had a pair of running shoes then I'd probably be more motivated to get up early and run.  The only problem is that I'd only have time to do it on the weekends, which doesn't seem like it would be that helpful.

I was talking to my co-worker/friend and mentioned the running and how I was thinking about trying to do something like that before work, since I arrive an hour before my shift starts, and she said that she would try to get there early, too, and walk with me.

Yay!

So we actually walked about 2.5 miles before work on Thursday and Friday, which kicked my butt and made me feel exhausted for the entire day.  But when I ran this morning, I actually ran more on the same route I used last weekend and my time was better.  I use an app on my phone to keep track of it, which is kind of fun.  Then I can see my progress.

This morning was even better because BF got up early and met me at the end of a nearby road on his bike and we did most of my run/walk together.  I like doing that with someone because I feel safer and it's nice to have someone to talk to.  I really like that he was willing to get up early on his 'Sunday' and do it with me.  When we got back to the house, we sat outside in the cool air and chatted for about 45 minutes.

Ah, he's such a wonderful boyfriend.  I'm so undeserving of him.

His birthday is on Sunday, but what I want to do for his birthday can't be done until August.  So I have a plan of something small I can do in honor of his birthday.  He'll be 31 years old.  It's kind of weird to think that he's nearly 3 years older than I am.  He's such a big kid, it's easy to forget.

This upcoming Friday is when we leave for his family reunion.  I am so incredibly nervous, it isn't funny.  I'll not just be meeting his parents, I'll be meeting practically his entire extended family on his dad's side all at the same time.  I hope his parents like me as much as he says they will.  Sometimes I do or say dumb things out of nervousness and anxiety and people get the wrong idea.  Or I'm extremely shy and I come across as being a snob or being self-righteous, which I'm not.  I guess I'll find out soon enough.  I think we're leaving right after I get home from work, so I'll have to have my stuff packed up before I go to bed on Thursday.

Today would've been an extremely busy day, except I'm not super woman.  I was asked to do some overtime at work this morning, but I don't have childcare (although BF said he would watch the kids if I wanted him to).  There's one of those hosted parties this afternoon, except it's two separate parties smooshed into one big 4 hour party.  Then my niece and nephew are having a combined birthday party this afternoon.  So my hopes of doing something for BF's birthday today were dashed and I knew I could only opt for one activity, so I chose the family birthday party.

It's still going to be a fairly busy day.  Running this morning, then getting a shower and feeding the kids, then going out to the store to get what I need for BF's little surprise, then lunch and naptime, then running out the door for the birthday party, rushing home to get them in bed at a decent hour and then hopefully spending the evening with BF after he drops BFS off with his mother.

Weekends just don't feel like weekends anymore.

I've got no powah

The power went out Friday night.

We didn't have power all day Saturday.  It was so incredibly hot inside that the kids were drenched in sweat and so was I.  We have a generator, but we used it for the refrigerator and to charge our phones and it made me very grouchy and all I wanted was to be able to take a shower.  BF kept checking in throughout the day to see if the power came back, which it hadn't, then at about 3 pm he told me he'd be back in Gma's and said I could take a shower there.

So the kids and I piled in my car and went over there...only 2-3 miles away, with electricity and air conditioning...and we all were bathed and enjoying the cool air for a little while.  Gma is such a sweet woman and I can't thank her enough for letting us use her shower.

To be courteous, I made sure everything was clean when I left and I brought my own towels and soap so she wouldn't feel so put out for allowing us to do that.

Then BF and his son and me and my kids headed out to grab some dinner.  I was already still grouchy because of being in the heat all day long and BF was on the edge because of I don't know what.  I'll be honest with you, dinner was not fun that evening.

I didn't get the kids in bed that night until the sun went down just because I wanted their room to have a chance to cool a little bit.  It didn't cool down at all because there was no air circulating throughout the house to get the warm air out.

BF came shortly after 8 pm and helped my dad install a window fan.  Then the air started moving a bit.  After the kids were in bed and everything else was settled, BF and I went outside to talk for a while in the cool night air.  We sat in these metal chairs near the main entrance.

He told me that he was thinking about this plan that he has and that he feels like he's procrastinating with "us" and he doesn't know why.  He said he wasn't sure he would ever get to where he wants to be with this plan that he's not telling me.  All he said is that by next spring, he thinks he'll be where he wants to be financially.  I don't know what means.  I was asking questions to try and understand, but they really got me nowhere.

He then said he had a blanket in his truck and we could go halfway down the driveway and lay down to look at the stars.

What a neat idea.  :)  So that's what we did.  We laid there and kept talking.  He asked me where I wanted to be by this time next year and I honestly don't know.  All I know is where I want to end up, but I don't know how to get there.  And it's not like I can have a plan...He seems to have this schedule set in his head for how he wants things to be done and no plan of mine can change that.

We talked about the fears we have and I told him my fear of making that kind of commitment again.  I'm so glad that he seemed to understand and didn't think it was weird.

I really enjoyed that time with him.  It's definitely something I'll remember for a long time.

The power came back on at about 5 am this morning.

The power was still out at the church, so there was no service.  I spent some time outside with DD and DS and got some sun.  Then they had lunch and went down for a nap.  I took a nap, too, and had the most horrible dream.

I dreamt that I had been pulled over by a police officer and with the way he was talking to me, he was going to make sure he was going to do everything possible to make sure that I was going to jail.  He did a search on me before he took me to wherever he took me...then I waited in that room for a long time, knowing that he was going to come back and do a cavity search.  In this dream, he was pulling over lots of people and doing the same thing, putting us all in this holding room.  I had an iP@d and my cell phone and I was trying to contact someone on the outside for help and the devices wouldn't work.  They didn't have good service or kept falling apart.

Then I woke up.  That probably sounds really dumb, but when I was in the middle of it, it was horrifying!

Some time today, I got a text from my coworker friend, telling me that there is no work tomorrow because there is still no power down there.  I was excited at first, then realized that there would be no date night because I'd then be taking them to visitation, which is fine.  BF and I had already been trying to discuss what we were going to do, so I was little disappointed.  I think he's going to come with us, though.  The kids are excited that I get to take them up there and DD likes that BF will likely be tagging along.  My mom said that after visitation and after we get them fed, we can drop them off and resume our usual date night.

I'm not sure what we'll be doing because it'll be late by the time we get back, but I appreciate that my mom will still let us have some alone time together.

I'm pretty happy that I get this extra time with the kids tomorrow.  DS is so lovey and affectionate, I can't get enough of his cuddling.  I like to watch him and DD interact and learn from each other (mostly him learning from her).  And DD is too stinkin' smart for her own good.  She knows exactly how to manipulate things so that she gets what she wants and I don't realize it until it's already done.

Well, I guess that's all for now.  I don't know why I've been writing so much lately.

Until next time...

Time is ticking away

I have been so incredibly tired lately.  It started last week and it has slowly gotten worse and worse.  I think I'm just not catching up on my sleep.  I get 6 hours or less of sleep on week nights and 2 sleep in days on the weekend, but I'm up late for one of those nights...and I'm up late on Monday.

I turn 28 next Thursday.  Ugh...I can't believe I'm that old.  BF had me take off one day next week so we can do something for my birthday, but he won't tell me what we'll be doing.  With the little bit of information he gave me, I have an idea of what I think it is, but I'm not telling!

His birthday is a little over 2 weeks later and I have no idea what to do.  I'm getting pretty anxious about it.  I don't know if my mom will keep letting me take a day off work and the kids, especially since less than a week after his birthday, I'll be gone for one or two nights for that reunion.

The reunion is less than a month away now.  Ahhhhh!

And his mom is pressuring him about meeting me and I think that will be happening soon.  Ahhhhh!

He's moving with G-ma as of next Saturday.  I'm not going into how she's related to him.  It's too messy and some people will probably think it's kind of weird because they don't know the kind of relationship he has with that family.  He said it's because he wants to save money for what it's our time.

I don't know exactly what he means.  I don't know if he means saving for a ring, or a down payment on a house, or something else I'm missing.

He did say he has a plan, though he didn't tell me what the plan is.  All he told me is that G-ma keeps asking him when we're going to get hitched and he told her that he wanted to date me for at least a year.  Our first date was at the end of October...that's not that far away.

I do feel a little better knowing that there's more time, though.  I freak myself out thinking about these things.

I hate being afraid to make a commitment like that again.  I have no doubt that I would be happy with him for the rest of my life.  We are compatible in more ways than not, I think, and in the ways we're different, we complete each other.

That sounds really cheesy.

But I can't help but wonder if the things that have come up to make us take things slowly maybe aren't there to force or remind us to take our time, but maybe to make sure we never get there because it's not supposed to happen?

Or my worst fear is that it finally sinks in that I'm not as great as he thinks I am.

I know this is anxiety talking.  I'm thankful for this 4 month or so buffer I still have to get my brain in gear so I can stop worrying so much.

My mom keeps saying that I need to get him saved before anything happens because that's what God wants.  I'm struggling with it.

I think it's kind of hypocritical because she married my dad when he wasn't saved but she was.

He knows how important that part of my life is to me.  He knows that's why I won't live with him now or why I think it's so important to save sex for marriage.  He came to a few Bible studies with me and actually enjoyed it.  We had good conversation about the lessons and we've even had discussions about things on our own and I know it has had him thinking.  He's on the right path in his life...he has the right heart, it's obvious.

But to tell him that he has to be a Christian before we can take that next step...I feel like I'd be trying to force him into doing something that he isn't ready to do or maybe doesn't want to.  I don't want him to do something just to get what he wants or because he thinks it'll make me happy.  If he's going to do that, it needs to be because it's what he's led to do.  I feel like the most I can do is reiterate how important my relationship with God is to me and to ask that he just support me in it the best that he can and whatever happens, happens.

Is that wrong?

We still have who knows how long before the next step is taken, if it even happens and anything can happen in that amount of time.

Oh how I wish I had all the answers.