Some of this, some o' that

So here's what I/we have been up to lately...

 

LB celebrated his 6th birthday and Dudely Dude celebrated his first birthday. DD will be turning 8 years old in the near future. Where the heck has time gone???

 

The kids have finished their first quarter of the school year already. LB is doing really well in kindergarten and DD and doing well in 2^ndgrade. BB is in 4th grade this year and not doing so well academically, but his teachers love him and know he is trying his best. We just need to work with him at home more.

 

Dudely Dude is doing great. He is healthy and growing and progressing in his development. Size-wise he’s right about where he should be. Skill-wise I think he’s in the 6-9 month range, but he is constantly learning new things so everyone is pleased. I know I am.

 

Caroling at the Inn is coming up very soon. The innkeeper sounded very excited that we would be doing it again this year (3^rd year in a row!). She said they get so many compliments and people love to listen. I don’t think it’s that we’re that good, I think it’s because it adds to the Christmas atmosphere.

 

At the end of December it will be 2 years since LB or DD have seen or heard from their biological father. The only reason why I keep thinking about this is because we still haven’t initiated the adoption process. You would think 2 years of no contact would be considered abandonment and it would a no-brainer to just let Hubby adopt them with no questions, but I don’t think that’s the case in this state.

 

We’re still dealing with custody issues with BB. I don’t want to say much about it. BB switches between two completely different home-lives (is that even a term?). Yesterday his mother showed up at our house unannounced and proceeded to scream and cuss out Hubby for an hour (I was outside for half of it)…yeah, that needs to stop.

 

Hubby and I started going to the dentist for the first time in over a decade. Considering how long it has been, my teeth are in decent shape. I need some fillings and I need my wisdom teeth removed. I also had two problem teeth I knew about. One he thought would need a root canal, but it didn’t (yay). The other may need a root canal or a big filling. There was another problem tooth that I didn’t even know was a problem. So that one got a root canal. It was painful. Painful on the wallet and my available work leave. Virtually pain-free in all other aspects!

 

Anyway, after 10+ years of avoiding the dentist, I only need the above work and a simple cleaning. Hubby doesn’t need so much work (some fillings and he already had a tooth extracted), but he needs deep cleanings.

 

I used to have daily headaches, but since this root canal was done the headaches have gone away. Well worth the moo-lah spent.

 

After being married and a family for 2.5 years we finally got our first family pictures done. I’m pretty happy with how they turned out.

 

Lastly, I’ve been really working on trying to lose weight. I don’t think I’m overweight, but I’m still 10-15 pounds heavier than I was before Dudely was conceived. I was getting discouraged because I still couldn’t button my pants and I almost had to butter my legs to get skinny jeans on and I still looked pregnant. So I started watching my portions and carb intake. It seems to be working. Slowly, anyway. I actually buttoned my work pants for the first time in months this morning. I think if I can break myself of the habit of drinking sodas all the time my diet will be more effective. I also don’t eat as much junk and I opt for yummy salads or wraps when we eat out. I’m going to start adding in exercise and working out, so I think I’m on the right healthy track!

 

And that is all. Whew.

 

Revelation

During a moment of tearful prayer during my shower a few moments ago, a thought occurred to me for the first time (God speaking, I'm positive) and now I'm sharing it via my phone while sitting wrapped up in a towel on the toilet lid:

I don't think I lost my best friend, I think it's more likely that she needed to remove a toxic person from her life and that toxic person was me. 

I am at peace with that. 

As ridiculous as this sounds, I feel better now because I'm fairly certain that she started feeling better a long time ago.

Thank You, God. 

I have some things to work on.  

Missing someone

I'm going to pretend it hasn't been 3-4 months since I last wrote.

I had the sudden urge to write, so I hopped onto Hubby's laptop and it took so long to get to this point that I don't feel like writing anymore.

Blah.

My favorite holiday has come and gone...it felt less warm and cozy this year as compared to previous years. My parents hosted and for a while it was just me and Hubby and our kids and my parents, just like every Sunday, except BB was able to join us.  My little brother visited for a little bit and then my older brother and his wife and two kids came for the evening.  My oldest brother and his wife didn't come this year. My cousin was visiting with her new boyfriend's family. My aunt and uncle didn't come and my other cousin lives up northern PA now, so I haven't seen her in a while.

It just isn't the same anymore.

I have so much to be thankful for this year, but I'm feeling so lonely that I'm finding it difficult.

I hate to come back and mope around, but I just plain don't have anyone to talk to.

I'm finding myself daydreaming about re-igniting my friendship with my best friend from 5 years ago. I miss her so much. She was the kind of friend who would give me space when I got wrapped up in my own selfish little world...then when I finally snapped out of it she was right there and we would pick up exactly where we left off.

I became too selfish, though, and hurt her. I tell myself that when it came down to her or my children, my children come first. And I think that's true. I don't know if doing what I did is the reason I have them now, but I do know that doing what I did is the reason I don't have her.

Hubby says if she were a true friend she would have understood and we would have worked things out.

I've heard and read over and over that people leave our lives for a reason, but I'm longing to make amends and the proverbial ball is in her court and has been for years.

I'm such a crummy friend that I can't replace her.

It's not that anything in particular is wrong right now. My children are doing great, my marriage is surviving the normal ups and downs and miscommunications, but we still choose to love one another and fall for each other repeatedly. Our jobs are still stable as far as I can tell. Our finances are in good shape. Our health is in good shape.

I guess this post could indicate my mental health isn't.

I can't share these kinds of feelings or anything serious with Hubby anymore. I try, but he always ends up saying something hurtful. I tell him he was hurtful and he expects, "I was just joking" or "I was being sarcastic" to reverse everything.

Then that emotional hurts translates into other aspects of our marriage.

The sad feelings about my friend seem to be hanging around for good. The communication issues within my marriage are short-lived, thank goodness...though they do pop back up eventually.

My goal in writing this is to get it out and find relief.

I hope it works.