I'm completely sucking at daily updating. Ugh. Sometimes I wonder if I should just move on.
I actually wrote the following during my break last Friday and didn't finish. And I won't finish. Want to know why?
Shortly after my break was over I found out that I got another raise. (Might I add that when I got the call from my manager to come to her office I had an immediate panic attack and said to myself, "This is it...it's all over!")
If that's not a plain-as-day sign from God, I don't know what is.
I wouldn't even bother posting what I had written, but it was a lot and I spent a good amount of time on it. It also might provide some insight on what anxiety does to people.
So without further ado:
My anxiety has been kind of uncontrollable lately. I wonder if it’s just because I know I’m not seeing my therapist anymore and I’m overthinking everything.
I’ve been catastrophizing like crazy. I constantly feel like someone is angry with me or something is wrong. I dread going into work on Fridays because I’ve been working from home three days prior and I feel like I’ve done something wrong.
Changing out of my comfy clothes (fuzzy pants, fluffy socks, oversized junky t-shirt) and into normal clothes would probably help.
Anyway, I automatically assume when people don’t respond to my e-mails like they usually do that I really messed something up or something has changed and no one told me, or when I call my team leader with a question and the tone of her voice doesn’t have its typical perky quality I’m going to get fired when I come back into the office.
It is a miserable feeling.
I know very well that my workplace has an unspoken policy of “no news is good news”. My manager confirmed so herself during my last review. The fact that I only get e-mail reminders of something I may need to remember as I’m doing my work and not a phone call to come to someone’s office to have a closed-door discussion is ideal. I know I’m doing okay even if I don’t have someone telling me I’m going a great job in the last couple of months.
I know that the team leader I go to for help is bogged down with a lot of work and my questions probably come at an inopportune time. She hasn’t been team leader all too long and it’s kind of difficult for me to go from talking to her as a friend to as a boss of sorts.
I just wish I could keep these intrusive thoughts from flooding my head. I wish there was a way to get rid of them besides medication. All therapy did was help me push past them so I can function better (and I am thankful for that). These thoughts cause my heart to race and palpitate…my skin to flush and sweat…my entire body to become jittery and shaking.
Sometimes they cause Hubby and me to get into some pretty ridiculous I-don’t-know-whats. I don’t want to say fights or arguments. I always end up being told I’m crazy because I’m worrying about non-issues. The truth of the matter is I just want reassurance and for someone besides my therapist to understand that I can’t control these “crazy” thoughts that won’t stop popping into my head. [Note: I first wrote “pooping” into my head. I think that’s pretty accurate, too.]
Another example is this:
Yesterday Exhibit A (is that what I called her before?) was supposed to pick up BB from our house. She called me about 20 minutes before her E.T.A. to tell me that she had been run off the road, got a flat tire, and was going to be late picking up BB. She said she was keep me updated. Cool. Glad you’re alright. Sounds good.
Then I had the mental battle of sharing this with Hubby. He wasn’t yet home from work. She had asked me not to tell BB why she was late. She didn’t mention Hubby. There are various things going on with her that would cause a red flag to wave with this incident. I decided I would tell him for a few reasons:
1. She was likely going to tell him that she was going to keep him longer since she missed what ended up being an hour of her time and I thought he might appreciate the heads up, especially since I knew he would have to tell her that she couldn’t.
2. The possibility of “WHY DIDN’T YOU TELL ME?!” if something were to happen when BB was with her as a result of her accident (car troubles, her troubles, etc.).
3. For documentation/future reference
