Assumptions are bad

I've been back to see the psychiatrist once and I saw the psychologist last week and will see her again tonight.  Last week the psychologist interviewed me, I guess to diagnose me as best as she could and to start to come up with a treatment plan.

She thinks I have social anxiety and generalized anxiety.   That makes sense.  I felt pretty confident that this therapy will work after meeting with her.

I saw the psychiatrist again yesterday and I don't think I like him.  He was asking me some of the same questions he did last time, then he said asked me how my marriage is (again).  I told him it's great and he said he felt last time like I said the same thing, but there was more I wasn't telling him.  I told him that compared to my first marriage it definitely IS great, and we do have things we have to discuss and work through, like normal couples, but I didn't think it was anything out of the ordinary.  He wanted specifics.  I told him that we debate over what to do with BB and how to coordinate things with BB's mother...heated discussions about how much time he spends with his best friend or doing his hobbies...how I'm actively involved in my church and Hubby's inability to do it with me due to work.

THEN, the doctor asked about the drinking problem I previously mentioned that he had.  I never ever said Hubby has a drinking problem.  He doesn't drink any more than I do.  I don't think I ever said anything about drinking except when they asked me if I drink and I said that we have a drink or two sometimes on our date nights on Fridays after the kids go to bed, that's it, nothing excessive.

I don't know if he's just assuming things or if this is what doctors do in the mental health field in order to try and get people open up, but I found it alarming.  Fortunately, I don't have to see him again for another 2 months.

I have been part of a team at work to use a new claims system.  I go down to work on it today and the leader told me that I was going back upstairs until further notice because they don't have enough computers.  I had to go back down to get my notebook because I had been storing it in a cabinet down there and everyone else on the team is still there, plus the four new people.

This is where I start to overthink things.  I know if I did something wrong and they didn't want me on the team anymore, they would have said so.  I should take it at face value and not think about it anymore, but that's really difficult.  I try to tell myself that maybe they chose me to go upstairs because I wasn't there for the meeting yesterday when they decided this (if they even had one) or maybe because they think I'm comfortable enough with the program and feel like I don't need more time.

Reviews and raises are coming up, too, so that doesn't help.

We're on cycle 4 now...playing the waiting game.  Things look and feel a little different this time around.  Normally my temps are all over the place and I've had at least one below my coverline.  This time it keeps going up.  Slow rise, I think it's called.  Last time it was a fall-back rise.  My pre-O temps were more consistent than usual and there was a huge drop around O time, then a huge rise the next day.  I have less physical signs this time, but the ones I do have aren't typical post-O signs for me.  I guess I'll find out in about a week and a half, huh.  I don't think I'm so antsy this time around.  It's still something we want, but I guess I'm not expecting it this time.  I didn't think it would take this long (I guess we're 5 months in now).

I'm trying to focus more on God and the blessings in life.  Not that I have a lot of bad things going on, it's just easy to lose sight of those things with daily stresses and random things that come up.

Ending note: I may not know why things happen the way they do at work, but I'm so very thankful to have a job.

I have awesome kids

Hubby's furlough ended late last Wednesday, which is good. He should be receiving back pay, which is good, too.  We just don't know when he'll get it.  He thinks it'll be in 2 weeks.  I don't.  I guess we'll see!

 

He said having that time off made him realize just how much he dislikes his job.  I told him that if he dislikes his job that much then he should start looking for another. I know he probably wouldn't get paid as much as he does now, but we can adjust accordingly and I think it could be good for his mental and emotional health.

 

I am so so so SO proud of my kids.  SS has been doing great in football lately (even though I don't like the practice/game schedule it's really cool to hear) and his behavior at home has been better, too.   Granted, he's fighting with the other two like regular siblings.  He's been getting good grades on his spelling and math tests.

 

DD is doing really well in school, I think.  I am really impressed with her reading.  She helps me read every night and in doing that I've discovered that she can read most words up to three letters, knows a lot of four letter words (ahem...not curse words), knows all of the spelled-out numbers, and she has been mentally sounding out words! She made me so proud that I had to stop in the middle of the book and give her a good squeeze.  She also loves doing her school work.  She asks for homework every night (though she usually doesn't have any at all) and when does have homework or a project to work on, she'll sit down with me and work on it until it's finished or we have to stop.

 

In reading every day, DS is memorizing the books we've been reading and usually when DD gets stuck on a word he chimes right in with the correct one!  Sometimes he extends the sentence a bit longer than it's supposed to be, but it makes for a good laugh.  I know that's the start of reading for him...memorization and then recognition of words.  I had heard that boys develop slower than girls in some ways (is that true?), but I think because he has a big sister he picks up things faster.  He walked before his sister.  I think he has picked up talking faster than his sister did, though I still can't understand what he's saying at times...especially when he's tired.  He was fully potty trained long before his sister was.  He's not even 4 years old yet and he's been sleeping through the night with just regular underwear and no bed-wetting.  He does have the occasional mishap, but I think that's because I sometimes don't limit his liquid intake as I should.  I don't think DD slept through the night without wetting the bed or a diaper until after 5 years old at least.

 

Baby-wise, we officially decided about 3 weeks ago that I would stop taking my pill.  I've been charting just so I have an idea of what's going on, especially after whatever that was that happened last month with the 2 weeks of pain and such.  So far I had a short cycle (like 20 days) and it appeared to be anovulatory, which is disheartening.  Not because we didn't conceive the first month, but because it makes me wonder if that plus last month's issue could be indicative of a greater problem.  I haven't been pregnant in almost 4 years and I'm almost 30.  I know my body has changed, so I'm not expecting this to be as uncomplicated as it was before.  When we decided to do this we agreed that we couldn't be actively trying, whatever that means for us.  I am charting so I at least know what my cycles are like now and with regular intimacy and his expressed excitement maybe we're not not-trying.  I think I've confused myself.

 

Anyway, I think any more talk of this will be written in my baby/kids blog that I don't update.  I don't know who has found my blog and don't particularly want people (specifically family and co-workers) to know until there is something to share.

 

I suppose that's it for now.  Work starts in 6 minutes!

I'm so excited and I just can't hide it

I've been struggling to stay awake at my desk.  I don't know if it's because of stress, but I've been absolutely exhausted.

Hubby has been off work since Tuesday due to being on furlough. Actually, he had to drive all the way to work early Tuesday morning just to pick up a furlough letter and then drive back home. I think he spent as much time driving, if not more, as he did at work.

It's kind of scary and frustrating to not know how long this is going to last. It's also frustrating to see the comments from people on social networks.  Two people in my family were commenting on how it's taken over f@ceb00k and blah blah blah, but they're going to just go on living life as usual.  I think I wrote out a spiel 4 or 5 times and then deleted it before I could post it talking about how they forget that there are people who are affected by it, even in their own family.

 

We are doing okay right now.  I believe this is a 3 paycheck month.  Hubby got his paycheck this week and the mortgage is paid until the first of November.  I get paid this week, too, and then again in two weeks and the 3rd check should clear the day our mortgage is due.  After that, though, it will be really tough...if this shut-down lasts that long.

Hubby seems to think this is a vacation of sorts and I keep feeling like I need to remind him that it's indefinite UNPAID "vacation" and once he exhausts his supplies for his hobbies, he can't just run out and restock everything whenever he wants to. Not to mention, he can reduce daycare costs by keeping DS home with him and being DD's transportation to and from school.

He has been telling me since we were dating that I'm a good worker and should get a job with the government because of job security and he thought I would succeed.  I bet right now he's glad I didn't because then we'd really be up the creek without a paddle!  (I've always wanted to use that phrase...haha)

In other news, the church choir has a really cool opportunity coming up in December.  The town where I went to school has a winter/holiday festival of sorts toward the end of the year. I don't know exactly what it is.  I don't know if they've been doing this all along and I just never heard about it or if it's something relatively new.  Anyway, there is a hotel in that town that is owned by a famous and my favorite author (this is the hotel that burned down, I don't know, 2+ years ago). Somehow...and I don't know if we were asked or if someone from my church thought of it...a choir that I am organizing and directing is going to be caroling on the front steps of that hotel! Apparently the innkeeper and owner are really excited about it.

 

We had our first rehearsal last night with 4 new people in addition to the usual choir members...so not including me, there 14 singers: 4 soprano, 4 alto, 3 tenor, 3 bass.  It's a nice even spread and I really like being able to hear the women more.  We normally only have 2 or 3 sopranos and only 1 (2 on a good month) alto.  The group we had sounded amazing.  Everything will have to be a capella because it is caroling outside, after all.  I think it's easier to stay on key when more people participate.

 

Last night we went over the parts of Silent Night and sang it a couple of times with the piano, then for the last 2 verses the piano dropped out and they were spot on!  There was some kind of innocence and purity in how it sounded and it gave me goosebumps.  We also went over O Come O Come Emmanuel.  That one didn't go so smoothly.  I mean, they were able to pick up their parts just fine, but not everyone is so familiar with it and it's in a minor key and 2 of the parts don't make any sense whatsoever when they're played by themselves. So throw all the parts together with a group of singers who lack confidence and it creates something a little rough.

 

I am absolutely stoked about it and after hearing the group I am even more excited.  I think it will be God-pleasing and great for the church and good for someone who hears us, I hope.

 

Well, I suppose that's it for now.

 

So until next time...

Shmovernment

There's nothing like having your marriage tested by being forced down to one income. I hope this doesn't last very long. 

God, please watch over us. 

Post-wedding Part 3

Work:  Work is going okay, I think.  I'm able to pay 3 kinds of claims.  4 if you count a type that I haven't been officially trained on.  My last two audits have been error-free, which is really nice.  I did get involved in some unnecessary drama in the last few months and for a while there it seemed that I had fallen from the good graces of those in authority.  I think people thought I was intentionally trying to make others miserable.  No, not intentionally.  I guess I do it naturally.  I wish I didn't.  And the more I tried to step back and do what I was told (and even try to take it a step further and go above what they were asking), the worse it got.  As bad as this sounds, trying to explain myself wasn't working and I decided that no one really cared about what I thought or had to say, even when they asked for it, so I have kept low and to myself, doing my work and nothing else. When I was asked how things are, I simply said things are fine.  It has worked.  People are being nice and patient with me again and I think I'm almost back to invisible again.  It only took 2 months to get back to some kind of normalcy.  I'll take it.  Other than that, things seem just fine at work.  Hubby and I still commute together to save money.

Health:  So...I still don't know what's going on with these symptoms I've been having.  I'm still experiencing them and some new ones, though not all at the same time.  I'm still getting negative test results and none of this is particularly similar to my first two pregnancies, but I wasn't on the pill for those, either.  I'm conflicted about how I feel about the possibility of a pregnancy.  I'm hoping I really am  pregnant, but at the same time thinking about how we are not prepared at all and were not planning for it yet.  I'm beginning to wonder if all of these things I feel are being concocted in my head.  AF should be here this weekend.  I guess we'll see what happens.  Regardless, a phone call to the doctor will be made on Monday.  Will it be for a new pill prescription or for blood test and/or to make an OB appointment?  Not knowing is driving me kind of crazy.

Define: Soon

So.

I have a lot to write, but I don't know where to start.

Hmm...

I still haven't heard from X. It's been long enough that's not making any sense to me now. I mean, I had a really strong feeling this would happen, but I just don't understand why. Why would he want to talk to DD on her birthday and meet up with us outside of regular visitation and seem to care and then when he has the chance to do it some more, with the possibility that we could work out something that would give him more time with them, he does nothing? And to top it off, the last time he saw them, he told them that he would take them to Chuck3Ch33s3 and they bring it up almost every day. BF and I took them and BFS there on Wednesday to see if it would get their mind off of it, but they wanted their father to come, too, and that same night when I was getting DD ready for bed, she brought up going with him on Mondays again.

I don't understand her attachment to him. Granted, almost every time he saw them toward the end of last year, he had presents for them. But she remembers when she would spend time at his house and she told me that she cried because she wanted me and didn't want to be there. I think she's just making the connection that Mommies and Daddies have a relationship of some sort. She also brings up how he and I hadn't seen each other for a long time. I don't know how she would know this. She says she just knows. I told her that it was okay that I hadn't seen him and she said it wasn't and "What if he wants to see you?!?!?!" She also threw in there somewhere something about me and him being married.

All I can tell her about all this is that he and I hurt each others' feelings too much to be able to do any of that. I also told her (and maybe this is wrong of me) that one day I could marry someone who could never be her daddy, but he can care about her and love her like a daddy. I didn't name names.

Last Saturday I successfully cooked dinner for the first time in my entire life. Yeah, I know that's pretty bad. I remember attempting a dinner when I was married, but it dried out because I didn't cover it as it baked. Then any other time I tried to cook X took over or he didn't let me cook at all. I tried to cook a chicken dish a few weeks ago and the kids wouldn't eat it and it was very bland and dry. So I tried my hand at lasagna soup and it was great! The kids picked at it, but said it tasted good. BF devoured his and his son's and took home leftovers, and a couple days ago he wanted to know if there was still any left that he could have!

Needless to say, I felt pretty proud of myself. Today I'm going to try to make a zesty italian chicken dish. It's a crock pot meal and it looks delicious. I have to make my own italian seasoning, though. It's in a white sauce and poured over pasta.  Mmm...

Regarding the apartment issue, BF had asked me if getting engaged would change my mind (before I discovered the apartment wasn't going to work with my budget). He wasn't trying to talk me out of it, but I think he was concerned what would happen if I moved out and then he proposed. And of course he was saying that I know that it's going to happen soon. I think soon for him is different than soon for me. When I tell my kids we're going to do something soon, I mean in 1-2 weeks. I'm pretty sure he's been saying "soon" since before Thanksgiving. So I'm not going to think too much about that and try to plan around something that probably isn't going to happen my kind of "soon". So I have a certain invisible deadline/timeline where if it doesn't happen, then I will start looking for an apartment again. I'm not using it as an ultimatum for him, since he doesn't know that's my plan, it's just me allowing more time for things to happen before going through with my own plans.

I hope there's nothing wrong with doing that.

Besides, my annual review is coming up at work in February...or at least it should be. It's possible that I could get another raise, though I'm not expecting it at all. I can't imagine getting another one. I didn't expect any of them that I did get. So I want to wait and see what happens with that. If it falls after my invisible deadline, then I'll push the deadline back a little, or at least until I do get my review.

Now I think it's time to bundle myself and the kids up and go out to play in the snow!!

Run run run

One of my least favorite things about writing here is that I don't know how to start an entry.  I don't know how many times I sit down to write and then don't because I can't even figure out the first sentence.

How lame.

Things have been rather uneventful over the last two weeks, I think.  I have trouble remembering what happens from day to day because it feels like time is going so incredibly fast.  The year is already over halfway over and so much is coming up...or at least it feels like there so much coming up.

One of the office assistants had her last day of work two Fridays ago, so this week I and a co-worker (I'll call her Leigh) have been alternating days being office assistants.  I kind of like it.  It gives me a break from paying claims and it gives me something different to think about.  It also helps keep my production up, I think, which makes me look good.  Or better, anyway.

I carpooled with BF Monday through Thursday.  It's nice to be able to save some gas, but I really like getting to see him first thing in the morning.  And it's nice to ride with someone (and the fact that it's him makes it so much better).  It makes me dislike Fridays, though.  He doesn't work on Friday and I typically don't get to see him at all...which is what happened yesterday.  Seeing each other for more than just 5 minutes every day since Saturday and then a day with nothing at all feels kind of crappy.

I went for a run last Saturday.  Actually, it was more like a power walk than a run.  I probably ran/jogged .75 miles total and briskly walked the rest of the time.  I splurged on a pair of nice running shoes to get myself motivated.  They weren't too expensive, I don't think, but they were more than I would typically spend on a pair of shoes and they had a good rating and looked like they were good quality.  It was a brand I've worn before and they are silver and black and hot pink!

Anyway, I figured if I had a pair of running shoes then I'd probably be more motivated to get up early and run.  The only problem is that I'd only have time to do it on the weekends, which doesn't seem like it would be that helpful.

I was talking to my co-worker/friend and mentioned the running and how I was thinking about trying to do something like that before work, since I arrive an hour before my shift starts, and she said that she would try to get there early, too, and walk with me.

Yay!

So we actually walked about 2.5 miles before work on Thursday and Friday, which kicked my butt and made me feel exhausted for the entire day.  But when I ran this morning, I actually ran more on the same route I used last weekend and my time was better.  I use an app on my phone to keep track of it, which is kind of fun.  Then I can see my progress.

This morning was even better because BF got up early and met me at the end of a nearby road on his bike and we did most of my run/walk together.  I like doing that with someone because I feel safer and it's nice to have someone to talk to.  I really like that he was willing to get up early on his 'Sunday' and do it with me.  When we got back to the house, we sat outside in the cool air and chatted for about 45 minutes.

Ah, he's such a wonderful boyfriend.  I'm so undeserving of him.

His birthday is on Sunday, but what I want to do for his birthday can't be done until August.  So I have a plan of something small I can do in honor of his birthday.  He'll be 31 years old.  It's kind of weird to think that he's nearly 3 years older than I am.  He's such a big kid, it's easy to forget.

This upcoming Friday is when we leave for his family reunion.  I am so incredibly nervous, it isn't funny.  I'll not just be meeting his parents, I'll be meeting practically his entire extended family on his dad's side all at the same time.  I hope his parents like me as much as he says they will.  Sometimes I do or say dumb things out of nervousness and anxiety and people get the wrong idea.  Or I'm extremely shy and I come across as being a snob or being self-righteous, which I'm not.  I guess I'll find out soon enough.  I think we're leaving right after I get home from work, so I'll have to have my stuff packed up before I go to bed on Thursday.

Today would've been an extremely busy day, except I'm not super woman.  I was asked to do some overtime at work this morning, but I don't have childcare (although BF said he would watch the kids if I wanted him to).  There's one of those hosted parties this afternoon, except it's two separate parties smooshed into one big 4 hour party.  Then my niece and nephew are having a combined birthday party this afternoon.  So my hopes of doing something for BF's birthday today were dashed and I knew I could only opt for one activity, so I chose the family birthday party.

It's still going to be a fairly busy day.  Running this morning, then getting a shower and feeding the kids, then going out to the store to get what I need for BF's little surprise, then lunch and naptime, then running out the door for the birthday party, rushing home to get them in bed at a decent hour and then hopefully spending the evening with BF after he drops BFS off with his mother.

Weekends just don't feel like weekends anymore.

I've got no powah

The power went out Friday night.

We didn't have power all day Saturday.  It was so incredibly hot inside that the kids were drenched in sweat and so was I.  We have a generator, but we used it for the refrigerator and to charge our phones and it made me very grouchy and all I wanted was to be able to take a shower.  BF kept checking in throughout the day to see if the power came back, which it hadn't, then at about 3 pm he told me he'd be back in Gma's and said I could take a shower there.

So the kids and I piled in my car and went over there...only 2-3 miles away, with electricity and air conditioning...and we all were bathed and enjoying the cool air for a little while.  Gma is such a sweet woman and I can't thank her enough for letting us use her shower.

To be courteous, I made sure everything was clean when I left and I brought my own towels and soap so she wouldn't feel so put out for allowing us to do that.

Then BF and his son and me and my kids headed out to grab some dinner.  I was already still grouchy because of being in the heat all day long and BF was on the edge because of I don't know what.  I'll be honest with you, dinner was not fun that evening.

I didn't get the kids in bed that night until the sun went down just because I wanted their room to have a chance to cool a little bit.  It didn't cool down at all because there was no air circulating throughout the house to get the warm air out.

BF came shortly after 8 pm and helped my dad install a window fan.  Then the air started moving a bit.  After the kids were in bed and everything else was settled, BF and I went outside to talk for a while in the cool night air.  We sat in these metal chairs near the main entrance.

He told me that he was thinking about this plan that he has and that he feels like he's procrastinating with "us" and he doesn't know why.  He said he wasn't sure he would ever get to where he wants to be with this plan that he's not telling me.  All he said is that by next spring, he thinks he'll be where he wants to be financially.  I don't know what means.  I was asking questions to try and understand, but they really got me nowhere.

He then said he had a blanket in his truck and we could go halfway down the driveway and lay down to look at the stars.

What a neat idea.  :)  So that's what we did.  We laid there and kept talking.  He asked me where I wanted to be by this time next year and I honestly don't know.  All I know is where I want to end up, but I don't know how to get there.  And it's not like I can have a plan...He seems to have this schedule set in his head for how he wants things to be done and no plan of mine can change that.

We talked about the fears we have and I told him my fear of making that kind of commitment again.  I'm so glad that he seemed to understand and didn't think it was weird.

I really enjoyed that time with him.  It's definitely something I'll remember for a long time.

The power came back on at about 5 am this morning.

The power was still out at the church, so there was no service.  I spent some time outside with DD and DS and got some sun.  Then they had lunch and went down for a nap.  I took a nap, too, and had the most horrible dream.

I dreamt that I had been pulled over by a police officer and with the way he was talking to me, he was going to make sure he was going to do everything possible to make sure that I was going to jail.  He did a search on me before he took me to wherever he took me...then I waited in that room for a long time, knowing that he was going to come back and do a cavity search.  In this dream, he was pulling over lots of people and doing the same thing, putting us all in this holding room.  I had an iP@d and my cell phone and I was trying to contact someone on the outside for help and the devices wouldn't work.  They didn't have good service or kept falling apart.

Then I woke up.  That probably sounds really dumb, but when I was in the middle of it, it was horrifying!

Some time today, I got a text from my coworker friend, telling me that there is no work tomorrow because there is still no power down there.  I was excited at first, then realized that there would be no date night because I'd then be taking them to visitation, which is fine.  BF and I had already been trying to discuss what we were going to do, so I was little disappointed.  I think he's going to come with us, though.  The kids are excited that I get to take them up there and DD likes that BF will likely be tagging along.  My mom said that after visitation and after we get them fed, we can drop them off and resume our usual date night.

I'm not sure what we'll be doing because it'll be late by the time we get back, but I appreciate that my mom will still let us have some alone time together.

I'm pretty happy that I get this extra time with the kids tomorrow.  DS is so lovey and affectionate, I can't get enough of his cuddling.  I like to watch him and DD interact and learn from each other (mostly him learning from her).  And DD is too stinkin' smart for her own good.  She knows exactly how to manipulate things so that she gets what she wants and I don't realize it until it's already done.

Well, I guess that's all for now.  I don't know why I've been writing so much lately.

Until next time...

Heeeee's back!!!!

I'm writing this as a draft in my personal e-mail before my shift starts.

BF is back!!! I survived the week! The first two or three days were sad. The next two or three were filled with lonliness and missing him more than I ever thought I could. The last two days were depressing. I felt like he'd never be back and the days were dragging on and on and I didn't feel like I got to talk to him all that much.

BUT...he made it home in time on Saturday to come with me to the church play and then spend a few hours with me after at home. And he came over yesterday for Easter dinner with my family. He's supposed to work late tonight, but we may still have a couple hours after he gets off for a little date.

He is such a great guy, I don't think he even realizes it. I still have a hard time believing he's real and sometimes I catch myself staring at him. Not because he's so good looking (which he is), but because I can't fathom how he would want to pursue someone like me. I don't know why in the world someone else didn't catch his eye or snatch him up first. I asked him that before I think his response was something about how he had dated before, but those other people weren't what he was looking for.

I referred to him as Mr. Perfect the other day and my mom told me not to call him that because there will be a day when he disappoints or hurts me. I am well aware of this. I had called him Mr. Perfect in comparison to X. I know there is going to be times when he frustrates me or says something that hurts my feelings or gets angry with me and it'll break my heart. But those things don't hold a candle to the rest of the goodness that is in him and as much as he has already done and the effort he has put forth just to make sure I know exactly how he feels about me.

I feel like I've said all this before. Oh well. I still wrap my head around it.

In other news, work is still going well. I processed almost 800 claims last week. I think it was 780-something. That's over 150 per day. One of the days I got through 180!

I am finally up to a healthy weight. According to my weight and height, I am no longer underweight. I am pretty happy about that, but also anxious because I have never been this size without being pregnant or having just had a baby. To prevent my weight going crazy high, I decided to download some free workout apps on my phone. Each one focuses on certain areas of the body. They don't require any kind of special equipment and each of the easy workouts take less than 10 minutes. I am still sore from Friday! I did two of the workouts on Saturday and I was still so tired from Friday that I couldn't complete all of the exercise for my arms. I'm quite happy that it's working. I didn't think it would.

I suppose that's all for now. I didn't get to write over the weekend because I was so busy getting ready for Easter.

Until next time...

Life is almost perfect

So it's been a while...

I haven't posted since November because I haven't had my computer on since November!

It has been kind of liberating, not getting sucked into this thing for 2.5+ months.  I accomplished more at home, spent more time with my kids, got back into reading, spent a lot of time talking to and seeing my boyfriend.

Boyfriend.  It still feels weird to say that.

I've been trying to write this entry for 2 weeks now...or at least since I posted on FB how blessed I feel and someone requested more info.

Things are going well, I think.  My boyfriend (from now on known as BF) and I are still going strong.  We see each other at least 3 times per week and talk every work morning and every night.  Mondays are date nights.  Wednesdays are "family nights", where we get together and take our children somewhere fun.  And Saturday nights have been spent together at my house after he drops his son (now known as BFS) off with his mother or grandmother.

BFS seems to be warming up to me a bit.  He used to not look at or speak to me, but now sometimes he calls me by my name and asks me questions or tells me things.  He and my kids get along pretty well, too, I think.

DD and DS really like BF.  Nearly every day, all day, DS asks, [BF] here?"  They're always excited to see him and he is so good with them.  He helps me get them strapped in their car seats when we go out, and he'll hold DD's hand when my arms are full with DS, and when I can't keep up with both of them he'll seek out DS and carry him so I can chase after DD.  And I didn't ask him to do any of it.

About 3 weeks ago, he was over on a Saturday and I was getting the kids in bed.  DD was saying her good nights and told BF that she loves him.  I froze because I didn't expect her to say that and I didn't know how BF or my parents would rake it.  But they acted as if it was a normal thing and everything was fine.  BF told me later that he thought it was sweet.

I knew she been feeling that way, so I wasn't shocked.  A few weeks prior she was telling me how much she likes BF and his son and she said, "I hope they love me, too."  That made me feel really good.  It's pretty cool to see them develop some sort of natural bond (I don't know what else to call it).  I haven't pushed for any of it to happen...it just seems to be going along just fine on its own.

BF and I shared our first "I love you"s when we got together to ring in the new year.  He says I'm his best friend.  We share all kinds of things with each other without judgment.  He trusted me enough to tell me about his rough past and I've been able to open up to him about some tough subjects.  It feels so good to have this kind of relationship with someone.  It's still so new to me.  There is so much trust and openness and love.  And people can see it.

Words can't describe how much I care about this man.  I can see us being together for a very long time.  Apparently a lot of other people can, too.  My mother has brought up marriage multiple times.  My dad brought it up to my mom.  My future SIL brought it up last Sunday, as did my Pastor's wife.

He and I have never sat down and discussed it, though he has dropped hints more than once that it's something he would like to eventually happen.

It shocks me a bit that my mom, of all people, would suggest it already.  She's the one who pounded it into my head not to settle for the next guy who came along.  It means a lot to me that she likes him, though.  She has told me numerous times how she and everyone else tried to warn me about X, but I wouldn't listen.  So now I'm listening intently and all she's saying is, "Let's get this man saved so you two can get married!"

There are some things going on in our lives that keep us from seeing each other as much as we want to (like kids/custody, for one), thus making it more difficult to proceed to the next step, if that's what is supposed to happen.  We both wonder what would have happened if we had met a long time ago.  I think we were both completely different people back then and I'm fairly certain it wouldn't have gone anywhere, or it would have gone badly.

He always tells me that everything happens for a reason.  I believe that, too.  And I think having kids (and whatever else comes up) keeps us grounded and forces us to pace ourselves.  I don't want to rush into anything.  There is too much at stake.  I'm quite thankful for having things that make us have to slow down and think things through.

And quite frankly, the thought of marriage scares me now.  I know I can commit.  That is not the issue.  It's the fear of making a mistake again.  I know my feelings for him are real and completely different from anything I have ever felt.  But I can't guarantee that his won't change for me.

In other news...

Things have been great at work.  I was promoted midway through December to processing claims.  And then just this week I found out that I received a generous raise! That's 2 raises and 1 promotion in just over 8 months of employment.  I didn't even know that was possible and I certainly didn't expect the second raise because I didn't think my 6 month review went as well as it should have.  So I feel quite blessed and now I feel like I need to work harder!

I am now directing the choir at my church.  It's kind of messy how I got there, but we have had two rehearsals and a limited group of people, but I think it's going well.  I was really nervous with the first practice.  But this last one is the one I think was really good.  We're practicing "It Is Well With My Soul".  Last week we went over the different parts.  This week we reviewed the parts and then added in dynamics.

At one point I was so moved that I couldn't even sing anymore!  It was so powerful and it just got to me.  The best thing is that I feel like no one is trying to outshine anyone else.  Even though there was only one soprano (and me, when I chimed in) and one tenor, I didn't hear specific people.  I heard one voice.  One beautiful sound!  I could tell by how everyone was smiling afterwards, they heard and felt it, too.  I think we can do great things and I'm really excited to see how it goes.

Well, I suppose that's it for now.  I'm done writing a novel.  I have a bit of stuff to accomplish before BF comes over in a couple hours.

I hope to write again much sooner next time!