Almost over it

I've been working on this entry since last week and I had written out this big long thing about this cycle and how the OPKs were a flop because all of the tests ended up looking positive (or very close), but I think this one is just another bust anyway.  I'm not going to waste my time going into detail.  I just know I'm not going to waste money on one of those kits again.  I'm sick with some upper respiratory thing that's been passed around my family, so that doesn't help either.  I feel discouraged and like poo.

 

In other news, Hubby is applying for a few jobs. 

 

I have a new therapist who I really like.  I'm still not sure what to do about the psychologist.

 

The choir is working on a cantata for Easter and the music for a play that we're doing with another church, so I'm pretty excited about that.  

 

BB's mom moved recently to her own apartment in the town where I practically grew up and I'm feeling pretty territorial about it. Not to mention, she's entirely on her own with BB now and I'm worried about his well-being.

 

It's been just over a year since Hubby and I got engaged.  I just thought that was neat.  I remember how scary it was, the reality that I was going to get married again.  It was one thing fantasizing about it.  It's another to actually do it...and here we are happily and healthily (is that a word?) married with a functioning blended family.

 

I guess that's it.  I'm in a crappy mood because I feel like crap.  I took a big long entry that was already written and whittled it down to this.  Go moi.

Affirmations

It was suggested in therapy yesterday that I repeat some affirmations to myself in order to boost myself esteem and confidence so I can push myself through some of the situations that trigger anxiety or I try to avoid as much as possible.  She said to start with seemingly trivial things if I have to.

She gave me a sheet of some common ones and today at work I filled the back side of it with my own personalized ones.  I found myself wanting to qualify each one with a reason why, but I decided that part of this is not thinking into it too much and I decided to leave it as a simple statement.

I didn't think I'd fill the whole page.  And as silly as some of them may seem, I feel a lot better when I read over them and I think about that.  I had to write things that I can believe.

So without further ado, my affirmations:

• I am confident that God oversees all and will provide for my every need.
• I am a Child of God.
• I am capable of praying whenever I want to.
• I am capable of doing my job.
• I am confident that I am a good employee.
• I meet my goals at work.
• I am capable of paying out-of-network claims without formal training.
• I am capable of using our new work system properly.
• I am capable of interpreting an 837.
• I am capable of keeping relationships without having to be someone other than myself.
• I am a good wife.
• I am capable of being affectionate with [Hubby].
• I enjoy being married and sharing my life with [Hubby].
• I am confident that I have an amazing husband who loves me.
• I am capable of taking care of my children.
• I am confident that I am a good mother.
• I make good decisions for my children.
• I enjoy being a mother and sharing my life with [BB], [DD], and [LB].
• I am confident that my children are in a safe place when I am not home.
• I am capable of cooking good food.
• I am confident that I am a good cook.
• I am capable of singing on key and harmonizing whenever I want to.
• I am capable of playing the piano.
• I can create time to read.
• Changing my name with social security and the MVA is important to me and I will get it done.
• I am intelligent.
• I am empathetic.
• I am a good listener.
• I am a good speller.
• I accept that I am human, that I sometimes make mistakes.
• I am capable of admitting and correcting my mistakes.
• I am confident that I have learned from my mistakes, and as a result make good decisions.
• I am capable of asking for help if I need to.
• I am also capable of using logical reasoning to solve problems on my own.
• I am capable of giving my best in all that I do.
• I am confident that I give my best in all that I do.
• I am confident that I am good at applying makeup.
• I am responsible with money.
• I am capable of speaking another language.
• I am confident that I am good at typing.

Assumptions are bad

I've been back to see the psychiatrist once and I saw the psychologist last week and will see her again tonight.  Last week the psychologist interviewed me, I guess to diagnose me as best as she could and to start to come up with a treatment plan.

She thinks I have social anxiety and generalized anxiety.   That makes sense.  I felt pretty confident that this therapy will work after meeting with her.

I saw the psychiatrist again yesterday and I don't think I like him.  He was asking me some of the same questions he did last time, then he said asked me how my marriage is (again).  I told him it's great and he said he felt last time like I said the same thing, but there was more I wasn't telling him.  I told him that compared to my first marriage it definitely IS great, and we do have things we have to discuss and work through, like normal couples, but I didn't think it was anything out of the ordinary.  He wanted specifics.  I told him that we debate over what to do with BB and how to coordinate things with BB's mother...heated discussions about how much time he spends with his best friend or doing his hobbies...how I'm actively involved in my church and Hubby's inability to do it with me due to work.

THEN, the doctor asked about the drinking problem I previously mentioned that he had.  I never ever said Hubby has a drinking problem.  He doesn't drink any more than I do.  I don't think I ever said anything about drinking except when they asked me if I drink and I said that we have a drink or two sometimes on our date nights on Fridays after the kids go to bed, that's it, nothing excessive.

I don't know if he's just assuming things or if this is what doctors do in the mental health field in order to try and get people open up, but I found it alarming.  Fortunately, I don't have to see him again for another 2 months.

I have been part of a team at work to use a new claims system.  I go down to work on it today and the leader told me that I was going back upstairs until further notice because they don't have enough computers.  I had to go back down to get my notebook because I had been storing it in a cabinet down there and everyone else on the team is still there, plus the four new people.

This is where I start to overthink things.  I know if I did something wrong and they didn't want me on the team anymore, they would have said so.  I should take it at face value and not think about it anymore, but that's really difficult.  I try to tell myself that maybe they chose me to go upstairs because I wasn't there for the meeting yesterday when they decided this (if they even had one) or maybe because they think I'm comfortable enough with the program and feel like I don't need more time.

Reviews and raises are coming up, too, so that doesn't help.

We're on cycle 4 now...playing the waiting game.  Things look and feel a little different this time around.  Normally my temps are all over the place and I've had at least one below my coverline.  This time it keeps going up.  Slow rise, I think it's called.  Last time it was a fall-back rise.  My pre-O temps were more consistent than usual and there was a huge drop around O time, then a huge rise the next day.  I have less physical signs this time, but the ones I do have aren't typical post-O signs for me.  I guess I'll find out in about a week and a half, huh.  I don't think I'm so antsy this time around.  It's still something we want, but I guess I'm not expecting it this time.  I didn't think it would take this long (I guess we're 5 months in now).

I'm trying to focus more on God and the blessings in life.  Not that I have a lot of bad things going on, it's just easy to lose sight of those things with daily stresses and random things that come up.

Ending note: I may not know why things happen the way they do at work, but I'm so very thankful to have a job.

And the verdict is...

...panic disorder and agoraphobia. CBT starts next week. I hope and pray this helps. 

Finally Taking Care of Some Business

Well, that cycle was another no-go.  I thought for sure it had to be it this time because everything seemed to be set up perfectly, but it just didn't happen that way.  I had a routine visit with the gyn earlier this week and because of the routine questions she knows what's going on.  She said she hopes the next time she sees me it's for a baby.  Me, too.

Also because of that appointment I'm finally going to be evaluated and treated for my anxiety.  Doctors ask if I've experienced anxiety or depression and I've always said yes, but she didn't seem concerned until this time. She said the nurse would call the doctor and I probably wouldn't be seen for 2 months.  Well, the behavioral health folks called me the next day and I'm being evaluated (and diagnosed?) next week and my first session with the psychologist is the week after.

Maybe they just mixed up their words: weeks...months.  Similar enough, I guess.  Ha.  Actually, the person who was scheduling me said she didn't expect me to be able to get in so fast.  I'm feeling like this means that I really need this.  I'm hoping it will also help me with how much I worry and my issues with certain sounds and whatever else is uncovered.

It has been interfering with my job lately, though there are ways to get around it.  I just don't think it's quite what my bosses would like to see from me.

Fortunately, though, when it comes to the kids I can overcome my anxiety.  It's mostly just with things pertaining to just me.

Next week Hubby is leaving on a hunting trip for a few days.  We keep butting heads over it.  I'm not making him stay home, but I feel like with these appointments coming up and the custody issues with BB he's abandoning me and choosing something else over his family.  This is something we discussed before we got married, but I'll tell you what...there's a huge difference between a conversation about a hypothetical situation and actually being in that situation.  I said that a trip once per year wouldn't be too much before.  But we haven't been married a year and it's actually time that he is going somewhere and I just plain don't want him to go.  He also mentioned that he left on trips before and I did just fine.  Well, we weren't living together then and I didn't have an additional child under my care.  Gosh, what would I do if he were to leave and there's a fourth child?!

Not to mention that he doesn't want to tell his ex when he's going, so whenever she finds out, she can come over and demand to have BB and I don't have any choice but to do what she wants because I don't have any rights.  I had told him to go ahead and let BB stay with her to avoid any conflict and he said when he offered her this extra time if she'll start bringing him back to church, she said she didn't want him.

They had also just been arguing about something else, so she was emotional and I don't think she knows what she was saying.

I can't help but feel like the timing of the appointments means that something big is going to happen.

I guess all I can do is just keep praying.

Stay away...I mean it

I am in a highly irritable mood.

It started last night over something really dumb...

I heated up two pizzas for dinner.  Mine was chicken bacon ranch and Hubby's was meat lovers.  I was using the pizza cutter to slice mine when Hubby wanders over and asks that I wash the cutter before I slice his.

For some reason this just put me in a foul mood and everything he or the kids did for the rest of the night got on my nerves.

I hate being like that. What I want to do when I feel that way is remove myself from everyone else so I don't snap for no reason.  I've tried to explain this to Hubby and maybe he's being his normal self and I just notice it more, but it seems like it's when I feel that way that he is especially needy and wants to interact with me.

So I can hurt him and make him feel rejected and tell him that I need to be alone, or I can suck it up, worsen my mood, and let him do his thing.

I think it's just PMS.  Or maybe because I just don't feel 100% yet.

My cold seems to have gone away.  I haven't needed any medicine in 5 days or so, but my cough has come back.  We started using the wood stove, so maybe it's allergy related.

However, I've had crampiness manifesting itself as lower back pain for the last few days, so I still don't feel so great. And my stomach hasn't been normal, either. And last night around 8 o'clock and I was overcome by fatigue and crashed on the couch, so Hubby and I missed out on our "us time".

And I've been fighting with DD over all sorts of stuff that she doesn't want to do.

And there's been more drama at work.

Blah.

The last several days have been a bit rough.

Football has ended, though, so we should get more time together as a family. And Hubby is excited about the holidays coming up and is chomping at the bit to start getting ready.

So there are pluses amongst all this other stuff.

I need to get to work.  I think Christmas music is order for today.

Sick and tired if being ill and tired

I haven't slept worth beans in about 4 days.  I had a scratchy throat and woke up with a full-blown awful cold on Thursday.  I called in sick on Friday because I felt like crap and couldn't sleep due to non-stop coughing.  It's been that way every since.  Lots of coughing, little to no sleep unless I nap during the day.

Like I said, I called off work on Friday.  Hubby took the kids to daycare and I napped as much as I could until the kids got home around 3:30.

That night there was a trunk-or-treat event at the elementary school.  My plan was to help the kids get made up for it and then let Hubby take them.  He said I couldn't miss it, though, because it was a neat first time thing for all of us and I needed to be there to experience it.  It was neat, but it was cold and I think it may have been too much for me.  On the plus side, then kiddos had their picture taken and should be in the local paper.

Hubby got up really early Saturday morning to go hunting (ugh), so I was left with the kids until he got home, which I think was around 2 pm.  I am fortunate to be able to say that the kids were well-behaved and SS was especially helpful, so I could nap and take it easy until he got home.

Sunday I stayed home from church because I still felt bad.  Besides, when I dropped the kids off for Sunday School in the morning no one would let me come inside because of how bad I sounded, and when I came to pick them up after a few hours everyone who saw me would make an 'x' with their pointer fingers and back up.

It's not like I have the plague...for goodness sake.

Even my parents wanted to pick the kids up from my house so I didn't come over to theirs.  While my mom made it seem like it was so I could rest more, it felt more like they just didn't want me to infect everyone.

It ended up being pretty nice because Hubby and I got over 24 hours of alone time.

Yesterday we had the parent-teacher conferences early in the morning.  With the way they were scheduled I was able to attend the one for SS and Hubby attended the one for DD.

SS is doing great with his spelling and I think he's doing pretty well with his math.  He didn't pass his last math test, but his teacher thinks it's because he ran out of time, not because he got any wrong.  He has 1 minute to answer 12 math problems and he didn't answer three, and they can only miss one and still pass.  His reading level is almost a year behind.  He also has issues with the sound of a pencil on paper. He covers his ears because he says it hurts.  I think this is misophony, which is something I seem to suffer from with other sounds.  He also seems to rush through his work, which makes his writing sloppy, and he loses his attention pretty fast.

Hubby and I think all of this means that he needs to focus more on school and less on sports.  SS's mother disagrees.

The thing is, we're fairly certain that she doesn't do any kind of reading or practicing with him while she has him Saturday night through Tuesday morning. One time I heard her arguing with Hubby, saying that it takes away from their time to do fun stuff.

But then when we have him during the week, he literally gets home, has an hour to do homework and eat dinner, then goes off to practice, gets home, takes a shower, settles down and sometimes reads, and then goes to bed...just to do it all again the next day.  Cut out the practices, and he could take his time doing homework so he actually understands what he's doing and why, take time to read a book and understand it, and have time to go over the math flashcards so he can answer the math questions faster.

Maybe we're wrong, but I'm pretty sure we're not.  And Hubby had a valid point that if he's in sports when he's older and his grades are suffering he won't be allowed to play due to school rules.

So while his conference wasn't awesome, I think it's something that can be fixed...though it seems like fixing it will complicate other things.

DD's conference went really well.  Her teacher showed me one of her journals, which was really cute.  She said that DD is a real sweetheart and is really kind to the other kids.  She has mastered her letters and apparently is on a higher reading level.  Or at least it's higher for kindergarteners.  She said that the books she's reading are challenging for her, but if she took her down a level they would be too easy.  For math and language arts she scored where a child halfway through the kindergarten year would be.  The only negative thing she said was that she is easily distracted by the other kids or the world around her and she sometimes doesn't finish her work.

Besides the conference, DD loves to do homework and she asks to do it, even when she doesn't have any.

After the conferences, we did some birthday shopping for DS and priced pre-lit Christmas trees and got some lunch.  Then we came home and I took a nap.  Then we went to my parents' house for dinner.

And now I'm back at work after another restless night.  I normally try to nap when I get here, but I have a feeling that I'd be more groggy if I did that.  I have too much work to do to be extra groggy.  A portion of my desk looks like a small pharmacy, but I hope it'll get me through the day.

I guess I'll get an slightly early start on my work.

Oh yeah, I want to change the initials for DS and SS to LB and BB.  I call them both "Bud" and they get confused...so I started calling DS "Little Bud" and SS "Big Bud".  And it's more fitting because while BB is my step-son, he's more like my own.

Off to work mode I go...

Whew

I'm kind of disappointed and rather relieved to say that AF seems to have appeared a day early. I feel even more like crap, though, and I wish I had stayed home from work. I hope this isn't what it's going to be like every month now because I don't know if I can handle it.

Post-wedding Part 3

Work:  Work is going okay, I think.  I'm able to pay 3 kinds of claims.  4 if you count a type that I haven't been officially trained on.  My last two audits have been error-free, which is really nice.  I did get involved in some unnecessary drama in the last few months and for a while there it seemed that I had fallen from the good graces of those in authority.  I think people thought I was intentionally trying to make others miserable.  No, not intentionally.  I guess I do it naturally.  I wish I didn't.  And the more I tried to step back and do what I was told (and even try to take it a step further and go above what they were asking), the worse it got.  As bad as this sounds, trying to explain myself wasn't working and I decided that no one really cared about what I thought or had to say, even when they asked for it, so I have kept low and to myself, doing my work and nothing else. When I was asked how things are, I simply said things are fine.  It has worked.  People are being nice and patient with me again and I think I'm almost back to invisible again.  It only took 2 months to get back to some kind of normalcy.  I'll take it.  Other than that, things seem just fine at work.  Hubby and I still commute together to save money.

Health:  So...I still don't know what's going on with these symptoms I've been having.  I'm still experiencing them and some new ones, though not all at the same time.  I'm still getting negative test results and none of this is particularly similar to my first two pregnancies, but I wasn't on the pill for those, either.  I'm conflicted about how I feel about the possibility of a pregnancy.  I'm hoping I really am  pregnant, but at the same time thinking about how we are not prepared at all and were not planning for it yet.  I'm beginning to wonder if all of these things I feel are being concocted in my head.  AF should be here this weekend.  I guess we'll see what happens.  Regardless, a phone call to the doctor will be made on Monday.  Will it be for a new pill prescription or for blood test and/or to make an OB appointment?  Not knowing is driving me kind of crazy.

Ugh?

Cramping for a week, not a spot of blood

Nausea off and on

Sore hips

Sore chest

Light headed/woozy

Frequent need to pee

Daytime fatigue, yet insomnia at night

In the middle of a pack of pills, all taken as they should have been

Negative tests

What the heck is wrong with me?!?!??

Semi-plans

I feel like writing today.

I don't think I finished telling the story about our trip. There isn't too much else to tell, I don't think. FS was feeling bad that Saturday and we all ended lazing around the house while he slept most of the day. The trip ended up being more relaxing than I thought it would be.

We're going tubing this Saturday since couldn't go that weekend.

Anyway, it turned out that FS wasn't feeling well due to strep. So it was expected that a couple days later me and F (I wrote BF first...I'm not used to this!!) and my two kids were all feeling terrible. That Tuesday I took off work and me and the kids had appointments with our doctors. My mom had to drive us to the one for the kids because I was feeling so bad I could hardly function. F had his appointment over an hour before mine, so I went with him to his and then he drove me to mine and then to the pharmacy to get all of the prescriptions filled.

I don't think my throat has ever felt so bad in my entire life. It didn't even hurt nearly that badly when I had strep a back in November/December.

We're all well now, though, thank God.

Let's see...I got another raise at work a few weeks ago. I was so ready to start looking for apartments. The date I was going to start my serious search was March 1, so F squeezed his proposal right in there. I'm kind of relieved that I don't have to look now.

We've been looking at houses nearby and Sunday we're going to go see some.

We've also been looking into wedding bands. It was when we first started pricing them that he told me that my ring is platinum. That didn't mean much to me until he said he wanted our wedding rings to be the same metal and it turns out to be more expensive than gold! I compared the color of my ring to the white gold ring my sister-in-law has and it looked identical to me, so I told I'm that I didn't care if the rings were another kind of white metal. It would save us a little money and no one would know the difference. He said he would know, though, so I think we may still get the more expensive ones. Where this money coming from is beyond me...the money I've saved is supposed to go toward a down payment on a house.

I'm pretty sure our wedding is going to be very small. I mean, super duper small. As in: whoever is officiating, his dad and step-mom, my dad and mom, FS, DD, DS, and a photographer. And we're thinking we'll do it in a park. And then right after, head out on our honeymoon, which has not been chosen yet.

I think we'll be married sometime this year. He said something about the fall, but he keeps joking about the summer.

I don't think reality has fully hit me yet. He's getting giddy with excitement and I'm still pretty cool calm and collected...though earlier today I thought about how we're going to looking at houses in a few days and I felt the first flutters of excitement in my chest.

My babies aren't babies anymore

Well, I was in bed dozing when BF wanted to call and wish me a goodnight.  Now I'm wide awake and I'll bet he's already fast asleep.

So I shall write.

I've had the strange urge to clean and organize lately.  The bad thing about it is that I don't have time!  I have a song to record for choir, plus two others I'd like to record so I can sing with them in the future. The choir song is most important, though.  I work full time and have the two kiddos and try to add in time to see BF.  I thought I would have plenty of time over the long weekend, but it seems like that extra time was pulled right out from under me.

I've really been looking at the kids in the last month and I'm in disbelief that they came from me.  I remember how tiny and helpless they were right after they were born and it seems like time has flown by so fast.

DD is writing her name and all her letters and numbers up to twenty and drawing and skipping and singing and making up stories and solving puzzles and pretending to cook and taking care of her sick stuffed animals.  Over the weekend she started getting attached to the fuzzy sweaters I like to wear because they smell like me and she wants to sleep with them during nap time and bedtime. I'm trying to discourage it...though it's the sweetest thing and it melts me heart that she likes that it smells like me.  I just don't know if it's something I should enable her to be attached to.

DS is speaking in full sentences and pretty much potty training himself.  The poopoo on the potty seems to be going much easier than the peepee.  That's the opposite of his sister.  He's more of a builder than a puzzle solver.  He's jumping around and running and digging in the dirt.  When we go to the park he loves to swing on the swings and throw mulch (which I discourage).  He's trying to write his name.  He loves to sing and right now I think his favorite song is Old MacDonald had a Farm.  He loves the Cars movies (though he just the other day destroyed Cars 2...grr).  His favorite color is green, I think.  He knows his colors and can sing the whole alphabet.

It's hard to believe that they'll be 3 and 5 years old in just a few months.

Where has the time gone?

Back in May, I had my girly doctor check-up and the doctor put me on the pill because my monthly visitor was getting increasingly heavier and painful.  She put me on a regular tri-phasic pill and I thought my body adjusted to it really well (virtually pain-free and much lighter!!), but I noticed that some point during the third week, I would swing into a terrible mood and some kind of depression.  I think it took two months to figure it out and I thought that maybe it was just because I wasn't used to it yet.  So I stuck with it for 4 months and the duration of the bad mood lessened, but the intensity got worse.  My mom was demanding to know what was wrong with me and why I was being so hard on the kids when they were being their normal selves.  I told her that it was out of my control and I was fighting the urge to jump in my car and just drive off somewhere so I can be away from everyone (even BF).  I also told her that my brain was telling me that this thing with BF is going nowhere and that I should just get it over with and break up with him.

But I know these thoughts are completely irrational.  I didn't drive off and leave my kids and I didn't dump my boyfriend.  The fact that I can even reason with myself during those periods tells me that I'm not myself at all.  I don't care how much more pleasant my monthly visitor is, it isn't worth turning into something I can't even stand.

So today I called the doctor during my lunch break today and she called in a different kind of prescription for me.  The nurse who called me was concerned that I had thoughts of hurting myself or someone else.  Thankfully, it wasn't to that point, but I really didn't want to keep trying those pills long enough to find out if it would end up going that far. I told her that if I did have those thoughts I would get help right away.

So I'll try these new lower dose pills and see how they do.  I don't remember having an issue with the lower dose ones year ago, but my body wasn't quite the same back then, either.

I guess I'll close here and see if I can fall asleep.

Run run run

One of my least favorite things about writing here is that I don't know how to start an entry.  I don't know how many times I sit down to write and then don't because I can't even figure out the first sentence.

How lame.

Things have been rather uneventful over the last two weeks, I think.  I have trouble remembering what happens from day to day because it feels like time is going so incredibly fast.  The year is already over halfway over and so much is coming up...or at least it feels like there so much coming up.

One of the office assistants had her last day of work two Fridays ago, so this week I and a co-worker (I'll call her Leigh) have been alternating days being office assistants.  I kind of like it.  It gives me a break from paying claims and it gives me something different to think about.  It also helps keep my production up, I think, which makes me look good.  Or better, anyway.

I carpooled with BF Monday through Thursday.  It's nice to be able to save some gas, but I really like getting to see him first thing in the morning.  And it's nice to ride with someone (and the fact that it's him makes it so much better).  It makes me dislike Fridays, though.  He doesn't work on Friday and I typically don't get to see him at all...which is what happened yesterday.  Seeing each other for more than just 5 minutes every day since Saturday and then a day with nothing at all feels kind of crappy.

I went for a run last Saturday.  Actually, it was more like a power walk than a run.  I probably ran/jogged .75 miles total and briskly walked the rest of the time.  I splurged on a pair of nice running shoes to get myself motivated.  They weren't too expensive, I don't think, but they were more than I would typically spend on a pair of shoes and they had a good rating and looked like they were good quality.  It was a brand I've worn before and they are silver and black and hot pink!

Anyway, I figured if I had a pair of running shoes then I'd probably be more motivated to get up early and run.  The only problem is that I'd only have time to do it on the weekends, which doesn't seem like it would be that helpful.

I was talking to my co-worker/friend and mentioned the running and how I was thinking about trying to do something like that before work, since I arrive an hour before my shift starts, and she said that she would try to get there early, too, and walk with me.

Yay!

So we actually walked about 2.5 miles before work on Thursday and Friday, which kicked my butt and made me feel exhausted for the entire day.  But when I ran this morning, I actually ran more on the same route I used last weekend and my time was better.  I use an app on my phone to keep track of it, which is kind of fun.  Then I can see my progress.

This morning was even better because BF got up early and met me at the end of a nearby road on his bike and we did most of my run/walk together.  I like doing that with someone because I feel safer and it's nice to have someone to talk to.  I really like that he was willing to get up early on his 'Sunday' and do it with me.  When we got back to the house, we sat outside in the cool air and chatted for about 45 minutes.

Ah, he's such a wonderful boyfriend.  I'm so undeserving of him.

His birthday is on Sunday, but what I want to do for his birthday can't be done until August.  So I have a plan of something small I can do in honor of his birthday.  He'll be 31 years old.  It's kind of weird to think that he's nearly 3 years older than I am.  He's such a big kid, it's easy to forget.

This upcoming Friday is when we leave for his family reunion.  I am so incredibly nervous, it isn't funny.  I'll not just be meeting his parents, I'll be meeting practically his entire extended family on his dad's side all at the same time.  I hope his parents like me as much as he says they will.  Sometimes I do or say dumb things out of nervousness and anxiety and people get the wrong idea.  Or I'm extremely shy and I come across as being a snob or being self-righteous, which I'm not.  I guess I'll find out soon enough.  I think we're leaving right after I get home from work, so I'll have to have my stuff packed up before I go to bed on Thursday.

Today would've been an extremely busy day, except I'm not super woman.  I was asked to do some overtime at work this morning, but I don't have childcare (although BF said he would watch the kids if I wanted him to).  There's one of those hosted parties this afternoon, except it's two separate parties smooshed into one big 4 hour party.  Then my niece and nephew are having a combined birthday party this afternoon.  So my hopes of doing something for BF's birthday today were dashed and I knew I could only opt for one activity, so I chose the family birthday party.

It's still going to be a fairly busy day.  Running this morning, then getting a shower and feeding the kids, then going out to the store to get what I need for BF's little surprise, then lunch and naptime, then running out the door for the birthday party, rushing home to get them in bed at a decent hour and then hopefully spending the evening with BF after he drops BFS off with his mother.

Weekends just don't feel like weekends anymore.

Super duper fabulous week

This week has been pretty darn fantastic.

I've gotten to spend lots of time with BF and his son (three family nights this week!).  We also had our brief date night on Monday and BF will be coming over this evening.

I took off work on Wednesday because I had a child support conference.  I was so nervous because I hadn't seen X since October and I really didn't want to have to talk to him.  So while I was getting ready, I told God that I was putting it all in His hands.  I was going in there with the papers that I was required to get together and I wasn't going to try to sway the result in any way.

It went way better than I thought it would.  I didn't see X at all.  I don't know why.  I got there first and I was taken into a little room and the really nice lady who took the case informed me that he had filed to have the order transferred to MD, so that's why I was there, and she said she'd go run my numbers and then put his in when he arrived and see what happens.  When she came back in she said he was there, but he never came in and after we were finished, he had already left.

Not only did I not have to see him, the kids are also getting more than was originally ordered in PA even though I have a much higher income and X is still on unemployment!!

I don't know how that happened.  He also owes a good amount in arrears.

Nothing went the way I thought it would and that's a good thing.  It sure beats getting $4.02 per month.

So because that turned out so well, I have determined that I can likely move out on my own and know that I can still provide for the kids, even if I have to make sacrifices for myself.

I told this to BF and ever since he has talked about moving in together.

We had talked about this probably 2 months after we started dating when he first asked me about it and I told him that I don't believe in it.  It has to do with a lot of things: my religious beliefs, my values, my family, my kids, etc.  He seems to want to live together to determine if we would make it if we got married.

I told him that given what I know about his past and what I know about him now (which I think is a lot), if I feel like I need to live with him to feel like I can marry him, then I don't love or care about him enough to get married to him in the first place.  I'm sure there would be certain things that he does that would drive me crazy, but I am certain that he is a terrific guy and I love him more than I can explain and there is no little quirk or habit that he has that I wouldn't find out about until we lived together that would be a deal-breaker.

So anyway, I explained it to him again and he says he understands and he's just teasing, but he said it's something he thinks about on a daily basis.  I suppose that's a good thing.

In other news, I've been keeping up with my workouts.  It takes over an hour now to complete all five (abs, butt, pushups, legs, arms) and I do them any day I have some extra time, which ends up being just about every other day.  I made the mistake of weighing myself this morning...

I've gained 2.5 pounds in the last two weeks!!!!  Ahhhhh!!!  I wasn't expecting that, especially since my clothes are starting to fit better and I have a definable waist now.  I'm trying not to freak out about it and I keep reminding myself that muscle weighs more than fat and I've lost a bit of fat and I know I've gained some muscle.

I still haven't told BF that I've been doing it.  I know he'll tell me that I don't need to and then I might stop.  Or he'll think that he needs to start working out more because then I'll make him look bad (I think he needs to relax a bit more, to be honest...he's always buzzing around, wearing himself out).

I feel really accomplished when I've exercised and it gives me an adrenaline rush something.  It just feels good and I'm proud of myself for keeping it up for this long on my own.  Not to mention the health benefits.

Well, I suppose that's all for now.  Kiddos need lunch and I have lots of stuff to do before BF gets here in a few hours (yaaaaay)!

Until next time...

Heeeee's back!!!!

I'm writing this as a draft in my personal e-mail before my shift starts.

BF is back!!! I survived the week! The first two or three days were sad. The next two or three were filled with lonliness and missing him more than I ever thought I could. The last two days were depressing. I felt like he'd never be back and the days were dragging on and on and I didn't feel like I got to talk to him all that much.

BUT...he made it home in time on Saturday to come with me to the church play and then spend a few hours with me after at home. And he came over yesterday for Easter dinner with my family. He's supposed to work late tonight, but we may still have a couple hours after he gets off for a little date.

He is such a great guy, I don't think he even realizes it. I still have a hard time believing he's real and sometimes I catch myself staring at him. Not because he's so good looking (which he is), but because I can't fathom how he would want to pursue someone like me. I don't know why in the world someone else didn't catch his eye or snatch him up first. I asked him that before I think his response was something about how he had dated before, but those other people weren't what he was looking for.

I referred to him as Mr. Perfect the other day and my mom told me not to call him that because there will be a day when he disappoints or hurts me. I am well aware of this. I had called him Mr. Perfect in comparison to X. I know there is going to be times when he frustrates me or says something that hurts my feelings or gets angry with me and it'll break my heart. But those things don't hold a candle to the rest of the goodness that is in him and as much as he has already done and the effort he has put forth just to make sure I know exactly how he feels about me.

I feel like I've said all this before. Oh well. I still wrap my head around it.

In other news, work is still going well. I processed almost 800 claims last week. I think it was 780-something. That's over 150 per day. One of the days I got through 180!

I am finally up to a healthy weight. According to my weight and height, I am no longer underweight. I am pretty happy about that, but also anxious because I have never been this size without being pregnant or having just had a baby. To prevent my weight going crazy high, I decided to download some free workout apps on my phone. Each one focuses on certain areas of the body. They don't require any kind of special equipment and each of the easy workouts take less than 10 minutes. I am still sore from Friday! I did two of the workouts on Saturday and I was still so tired from Friday that I couldn't complete all of the exercise for my arms. I'm quite happy that it's working. I didn't think it would.

I suppose that's all for now. I didn't get to write over the weekend because I was so busy getting ready for Easter.

Until next time...