Yet again I'm ever so thankful for the fact that BF and I can discuss things. Had a rough couple of days due to conclusions being made based on assumptions.
The air has been cleared, things are back to normal...I think we both need to work on realizing that we not each others' exes. Clearly!
Thursday, January 31, 2013
Saturday, January 26, 2013
Define: Soon
So.
I have a lot to write, but I don't know where to start.
Hmm...
I still haven't heard from X. It's been long enough that's not making any sense to me now. I mean, I had a really strong feeling this would happen, but I just don't understand why. Why would he want to talk to DD on her birthday and meet up with us outside of regular visitation and seem to care and then when he has the chance to do it some more, with the possibility that we could work out something that would give him more time with them, he does nothing? And to top it off, the last time he saw them, he told them that he would take them to Chuck3Ch33s3 and they bring it up almost every day. BF and I took them and BFS there on Wednesday to see if it would get their mind off of it, but they wanted their father to come, too, and that same night when I was getting DD ready for bed, she brought up going with him on Mondays again.
I don't understand her attachment to him. Granted, almost every time he saw them toward the end of last year, he had presents for them. But she remembers when she would spend time at his house and she told me that she cried because she wanted me and didn't want to be there. I think she's just making the connection that Mommies and Daddies have a relationship of some sort. She also brings up how he and I hadn't seen each other for a long time. I don't know how she would know this. She says she just knows. I told her that it was okay that I hadn't seen him and she said it wasn't and "What if he wants to see you?!?!?!" She also threw in there somewhere something about me and him being married.
All I can tell her about all this is that he and I hurt each others' feelings too much to be able to do any of that. I also told her (and maybe this is wrong of me) that one day I could marry someone who could never be her daddy, but he can care about her and love her like a daddy. I didn't name names.
Last Saturday I successfully cooked dinner for the first time in my entire life. Yeah, I know that's pretty bad. I remember attempting a dinner when I was married, but it dried out because I didn't cover it as it baked. Then any other time I tried to cook X took over or he didn't let me cook at all. I tried to cook a chicken dish a few weeks ago and the kids wouldn't eat it and it was very bland and dry. So I tried my hand at lasagna soup and it was great! The kids picked at it, but said it tasted good. BF devoured his and his son's and took home leftovers, and a couple days ago he wanted to know if there was still any left that he could have!
Needless to say, I felt pretty proud of myself. Today I'm going to try to make a zesty italian chicken dish. It's a crock pot meal and it looks delicious. I have to make my own italian seasoning, though. It's in a white sauce and poured over pasta. Mmm...
Regarding the apartment issue, BF had asked me if getting engaged would change my mind (before I discovered the apartment wasn't going to work with my budget). He wasn't trying to talk me out of it, but I think he was concerned what would happen if I moved out and then he proposed. And of course he was saying that I know that it's going to happen soon. I think soon for him is different than soon for me. When I tell my kids we're going to do something soon, I mean in 1-2 weeks. I'm pretty sure he's been saying "soon" since before Thanksgiving. So I'm not going to think too much about that and try to plan around something that probably isn't going to happen my kind of "soon". So I have a certain invisible deadline/timeline where if it doesn't happen, then I will start looking for an apartment again. I'm not using it as an ultimatum for him, since he doesn't know that's my plan, it's just me allowing more time for things to happen before going through with my own plans.
I hope there's nothing wrong with doing that.
Besides, my annual review is coming up at work in February...or at least it should be. It's possible that I could get another raise, though I'm not expecting it at all. I can't imagine getting another one. I didn't expect any of them that I did get. So I want to wait and see what happens with that. If it falls after my invisible deadline, then I'll push the deadline back a little, or at least until I do get my review.
Now I think it's time to bundle myself and the kids up and go out to play in the snow!!
I have a lot to write, but I don't know where to start.
Hmm...
I still haven't heard from X. It's been long enough that's not making any sense to me now. I mean, I had a really strong feeling this would happen, but I just don't understand why. Why would he want to talk to DD on her birthday and meet up with us outside of regular visitation and seem to care and then when he has the chance to do it some more, with the possibility that we could work out something that would give him more time with them, he does nothing? And to top it off, the last time he saw them, he told them that he would take them to Chuck3Ch33s3 and they bring it up almost every day. BF and I took them and BFS there on Wednesday to see if it would get their mind off of it, but they wanted their father to come, too, and that same night when I was getting DD ready for bed, she brought up going with him on Mondays again.
I don't understand her attachment to him. Granted, almost every time he saw them toward the end of last year, he had presents for them. But she remembers when she would spend time at his house and she told me that she cried because she wanted me and didn't want to be there. I think she's just making the connection that Mommies and Daddies have a relationship of some sort. She also brings up how he and I hadn't seen each other for a long time. I don't know how she would know this. She says she just knows. I told her that it was okay that I hadn't seen him and she said it wasn't and "What if he wants to see you?!?!?!" She also threw in there somewhere something about me and him being married.
All I can tell her about all this is that he and I hurt each others' feelings too much to be able to do any of that. I also told her (and maybe this is wrong of me) that one day I could marry someone who could never be her daddy, but he can care about her and love her like a daddy. I didn't name names.
Last Saturday I successfully cooked dinner for the first time in my entire life. Yeah, I know that's pretty bad. I remember attempting a dinner when I was married, but it dried out because I didn't cover it as it baked. Then any other time I tried to cook X took over or he didn't let me cook at all. I tried to cook a chicken dish a few weeks ago and the kids wouldn't eat it and it was very bland and dry. So I tried my hand at lasagna soup and it was great! The kids picked at it, but said it tasted good. BF devoured his and his son's and took home leftovers, and a couple days ago he wanted to know if there was still any left that he could have!
Needless to say, I felt pretty proud of myself. Today I'm going to try to make a zesty italian chicken dish. It's a crock pot meal and it looks delicious. I have to make my own italian seasoning, though. It's in a white sauce and poured over pasta. Mmm...
Regarding the apartment issue, BF had asked me if getting engaged would change my mind (before I discovered the apartment wasn't going to work with my budget). He wasn't trying to talk me out of it, but I think he was concerned what would happen if I moved out and then he proposed. And of course he was saying that I know that it's going to happen soon. I think soon for him is different than soon for me. When I tell my kids we're going to do something soon, I mean in 1-2 weeks. I'm pretty sure he's been saying "soon" since before Thanksgiving. So I'm not going to think too much about that and try to plan around something that probably isn't going to happen my kind of "soon". So I have a certain invisible deadline/timeline where if it doesn't happen, then I will start looking for an apartment again. I'm not using it as an ultimatum for him, since he doesn't know that's my plan, it's just me allowing more time for things to happen before going through with my own plans.
I hope there's nothing wrong with doing that.
Besides, my annual review is coming up at work in February...or at least it should be. It's possible that I could get another raise, though I'm not expecting it at all. I can't imagine getting another one. I didn't expect any of them that I did get. So I want to wait and see what happens with that. If it falls after my invisible deadline, then I'll push the deadline back a little, or at least until I do get my review.
Now I think it's time to bundle myself and the kids up and go out to play in the snow!!
Monday, January 21, 2013
Everything happens for a reason
The apartment meeting went well.
I found the apartment complex online Friday evening through a famous website, clicked the link to send them an e-mail, then filled them in on my financial/credit/personal situation. I wasn't giving them a sob story, I just wanted to put all the details out there so I could get a straight answer and not waste my or their time. I got a call maybe 2 minutes later from the property manager and we set up an appointment to meet and run my application Saturday morning after a few basic questions.
This place looks like it would have been great for me and my little family. It allowed pets, it had a playground, it looked clean, it was older, but it looked safe and family-friendly.
So I went in there and the lady put in my information. By 2:30 that afternoon I had been 100% approved. I was amazed. My kids were excited. I was praying about it, asking to be shown that it is the right place for us and the right thing to do.
I was making a list yesterday of what I would need to buy before I moved in there and I decided to sit down and run my budget numbers again...they turned out differently than the last time I ran them. It just didn't have enough take-home pay. I think when I looked at it before, I was looking as my gross pay, which is much more. I could've still made it with the money I've saved already, but I wouldn't have had the ability to replenish my savings unless I received a significant raise at work. And actuallly, if I had been receiving full child support like I'm supposed to, I could've managed it, but I haven't received a full payment since it got switched over to MD.
So I had to contact the lady and tell her that I couldn't do it. I am so disappointed and embarrassed.
BF was being supportive of it and so was my mother (which I was surprised about). But I'm glad I caught the number error before I signed the lease.
I guess I'm making myself disappointed by not going through with it even though I know I could manage it, but I feel like I'm being more responsible. At least now I know that I am capable of being approved so that if something else happens to drop in my lap, I shouldn't have a problem regarding my credit.
I keep telling myself that everything happens for a reason and the budget error is a sign that it's not what I'm supposed to be doing or where I'm supposed to be right now.
I think I'll actually believe it one day.
I found the apartment complex online Friday evening through a famous website, clicked the link to send them an e-mail, then filled them in on my financial/credit/personal situation. I wasn't giving them a sob story, I just wanted to put all the details out there so I could get a straight answer and not waste my or their time. I got a call maybe 2 minutes later from the property manager and we set up an appointment to meet and run my application Saturday morning after a few basic questions.
This place looks like it would have been great for me and my little family. It allowed pets, it had a playground, it looked clean, it was older, but it looked safe and family-friendly.
So I went in there and the lady put in my information. By 2:30 that afternoon I had been 100% approved. I was amazed. My kids were excited. I was praying about it, asking to be shown that it is the right place for us and the right thing to do.
I was making a list yesterday of what I would need to buy before I moved in there and I decided to sit down and run my budget numbers again...they turned out differently than the last time I ran them. It just didn't have enough take-home pay. I think when I looked at it before, I was looking as my gross pay, which is much more. I could've still made it with the money I've saved already, but I wouldn't have had the ability to replenish my savings unless I received a significant raise at work. And actuallly, if I had been receiving full child support like I'm supposed to, I could've managed it, but I haven't received a full payment since it got switched over to MD.
So I had to contact the lady and tell her that I couldn't do it. I am so disappointed and embarrassed.
BF was being supportive of it and so was my mother (which I was surprised about). But I'm glad I caught the number error before I signed the lease.
I guess I'm making myself disappointed by not going through with it even though I know I could manage it, but I feel like I'm being more responsible. At least now I know that I am capable of being approved so that if something else happens to drop in my lap, I shouldn't have a problem regarding my credit.
I keep telling myself that everything happens for a reason and the budget error is a sign that it's not what I'm supposed to be doing or where I'm supposed to be right now.
I think I'll actually believe it one day.
Friday, January 18, 2013
You're a monster
I was essentially labeled an emotional monster by mother just now.
She thinks the birth control or BF has to go.
I don't think she can solely blame my moods on those two things.
There are a lot of factors playing into this.
Single mom
A toddler and a preschooler
Custody issues
Waking up before 4 am for work every week day
Dating another single parent
Living with my parents
Working full-time
Having trouble sleeping
Who knows what else.
I'm just plain exhausted all the time. I have no social life. I get chewed out about something every day. I have no privacy or freedom. BF and I have no alone time anymore.
But somehow it all boils down to those two things.
I'm not refilling my prescription this week.
I think all I really want is to be left alone for a little while.
And to have a good hard cry.
She thinks the birth control or BF has to go.
I don't think she can solely blame my moods on those two things.
There are a lot of factors playing into this.
Single mom
A toddler and a preschooler
Custody issues
Waking up before 4 am for work every week day
Dating another single parent
Living with my parents
Working full-time
Having trouble sleeping
Who knows what else.
I'm just plain exhausted all the time. I have no social life. I get chewed out about something every day. I have no privacy or freedom. BF and I have no alone time anymore.
But somehow it all boils down to those two things.
I'm not refilling my prescription this week.
I think all I really want is to be left alone for a little while.
And to have a good hard cry.
Saturday, January 12, 2013
On a happier note...
Supervised visitation is no more. Or at least the way we've been doing it, it's no more. The lady who has been supervising got pretty upset with X when he didn't show that week and after she called and left him numerous messages and never got to talk to him, she decided it had been long enough and that he's unmotivated and we're out of their jurisdiction now, so they weren't going to do it anymore. She said that we're smart enough to figure something out on our own.
So last Monday was the last one. I'm kind of glad that I got to take them up there for it because I had the opportunity to say goodbye and thank her for everything she did for us.
Guess how soon I heard from X about arranging something else?
...I'm still waiting to hear from him. That boggles BF's mind because he said if it were him, he would have called the next day, if not that same night. I've tried to explain to him that this is the way it has always been. I'm curious how long it will be before I do hear from him. Then I have the thought that maybe it's my responsibility to try to set things up. But my part of the situation is ideal. I don't want to change anything. So I keep telling myself that if he really wants to see them and he really wants something to change, then HE needs to initiate and reach out to make something happen.
I'll work with him. He knows this from our meeting a few weeks ago. But if he thinks I'll switch to unsupervised, he's lost his mind.
Regarding those last few entries again...
BF and I talked a lot about stuff last night and some time during the week we talked about the whole engagement/marriage thing. I tried to put my feelings in a way that he would understand by saying it's like if I were to agree to move in with him and say I was doing things to get ready to move it, but not telling him what I'm doing. Then keep saying the same things over and over...yes, I'm getting ready to move in, I just can't do it yet...there are things holding me up, but I'm working on them. No visible evidence that would show that I'm actually doing something about it, just what I say. Then 6 months go by and I still haven't moved in. I know he would be really frustrated and hound me about what's taking so long or he would think I'm lying and I really don't want to move in at all.
I think he finally got it and hasn't brought up anything since.
And while I complain a lot (these blogs I keep tend to be for venting, since I feel like I have no one to talk to about these things), I do love him dearly. I get frustrated and a little emotionally hurt, but I still can't imagine spending my life with anyone else. And the hurt and frustration are nothing compared to the other good feelings I have the rest of the time.
And if I spend the rest of my life dating him, I'm okay with that. I don't think I've ever been this happy in my entire life. Well, besides the days my children were born. I was so happy I cried on those days. But as a whole, even having been through what I have been through and not being in an ideal living situation, I'm so happy with BF and BFS and my kiddos and I don't want to lose any of it if it meant that I would lose any of them.
So if he wants to propose, he will do it when he's ready to.
Until that happens, I will continue to enjoy what we do have because it is amazing and I wouldn't trade it for the world.
Friday, January 4, 2013
Consistently inconsistent
I should get extra points for being consistently inconsistent. As much as I want to update on a regular basis, I never do. I think about it a couple times per week, but I don't feel like I have anything important enough to say.
The same feelings I had in the last real entry I wrote are still there. Not the borderline mental, medication-induced feelings that I didn't realize were affecting others.
People keep asking me about when I'm going to get engaged. I just shrug my shoulders or throw my hands up in the air or just give them the good ol' "I don't know".
I almost feel like this is a form of emotional torture.
Nearly every day there's mention of living together, "When we get married...", "things will be changing soon...", questions of what kind of wedding I'd want, etc.
As far as I'm concerned, there's no wedding to plan for. No house to look for. For me, it's IF we get married.
I feel like a spoiled brat, getting in a bad mood because it hasn't happened yet and he's making me hope for it so badly.
He says in his head we're already married. I think I've mentioned that before. The reality is, again, that we are not. We're not even on the road to getting married.
This has been going on for months now.
My mom mentioned the other night that she thought for sure it would have happened before the new year. She thinks he's just afraid. He and I have talked about it before and he says he's not.
The thing is, it's been so long of hearing it that I'm starting to not believe him.
My first thought when he says how much he misses me or how much he wishes we were living together already or he can't wait until the day we are married is "Yeah, right".
That's not normal. *frowny face*
Actions speak louder than words...and all there is is words. Lots of them. Lots of the same words. Sounds coming out of his mouth.
I've told him that I don't believe him sometimes.
I don't know who is the one who is abnormal, here. Me or him. It has me frustrated to the point of tears. I feel like I'm doing something wrong.
I thought if someone wanted something that badly, they would get it as soon as they could. I also thought that men typically kept these things to themselves until the day it happens...I mean, I have prior experience with that part.
I'm just going to take a moment... p98y t4 saeu,sam4 m,.tmn,zdf.vbmc qer
I feel a little better now.
In other news, my kids are 3 and 5 years old now. I had some nice cuddle time with DD before she went to bed this evening. They are both jigsaw puzzle lovers and are constantly putting them together. They also play really well together and it's cute to hear them pretending to play house. They also know how to fight like professionals.
There have been some custody/visitation issues. My mom won't take the kids to visitation anymore, so I have to start leaving work early every Monday. So no more date night for me and BF. X has been bad about making it to visitation. He has cancelled quite a bit over the last couple of months and the last scheduled one, he didn't even show. The people who supervise want to close our case. I did meet up with him outside of normal visitation so he could see the kids and give them birthday/Christmas gifts. BF came with me, of course. That was a little uncomfortable.
BF wants to talk now, so I guess I'll close. Maybe I'll write more tomorrow...probably not.
The same feelings I had in the last real entry I wrote are still there. Not the borderline mental, medication-induced feelings that I didn't realize were affecting others.
People keep asking me about when I'm going to get engaged. I just shrug my shoulders or throw my hands up in the air or just give them the good ol' "I don't know".
I almost feel like this is a form of emotional torture.
Nearly every day there's mention of living together, "When we get married...", "things will be changing soon...", questions of what kind of wedding I'd want, etc.
As far as I'm concerned, there's no wedding to plan for. No house to look for. For me, it's IF we get married.
I feel like a spoiled brat, getting in a bad mood because it hasn't happened yet and he's making me hope for it so badly.
He says in his head we're already married. I think I've mentioned that before. The reality is, again, that we are not. We're not even on the road to getting married.
This has been going on for months now.
My mom mentioned the other night that she thought for sure it would have happened before the new year. She thinks he's just afraid. He and I have talked about it before and he says he's not.
The thing is, it's been so long of hearing it that I'm starting to not believe him.
My first thought when he says how much he misses me or how much he wishes we were living together already or he can't wait until the day we are married is "Yeah, right".
That's not normal. *frowny face*
Actions speak louder than words...and all there is is words. Lots of them. Lots of the same words. Sounds coming out of his mouth.
I've told him that I don't believe him sometimes.
I don't know who is the one who is abnormal, here. Me or him. It has me frustrated to the point of tears. I feel like I'm doing something wrong.
I thought if someone wanted something that badly, they would get it as soon as they could. I also thought that men typically kept these things to themselves until the day it happens...I mean, I have prior experience with that part.
I'm just going to take a moment... p98y t4 saeu,sam4 m,.tmn,zdf.vbmc qer
I feel a little better now.
In other news, my kids are 3 and 5 years old now. I had some nice cuddle time with DD before she went to bed this evening. They are both jigsaw puzzle lovers and are constantly putting them together. They also play really well together and it's cute to hear them pretending to play house. They also know how to fight like professionals.
There have been some custody/visitation issues. My mom won't take the kids to visitation anymore, so I have to start leaving work early every Monday. So no more date night for me and BF. X has been bad about making it to visitation. He has cancelled quite a bit over the last couple of months and the last scheduled one, he didn't even show. The people who supervise want to close our case. I did meet up with him outside of normal visitation so he could see the kids and give them birthday/Christmas gifts. BF came with me, of course. That was a little uncomfortable.
BF wants to talk now, so I guess I'll close. Maybe I'll write more tomorrow...probably not.
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)