Cannot sleep

I think it gives me insomnia, too. I don't remember the last time I was up this late, doing something like this.

Okay, I'm done for today.

Talk talk talk it over

Well, we ended up talking about it tonight. I guess he felt my bad mood and I was taking it out on him and I didn't realize how bad it was.

If any of that made sense.

I feel a little better after talking, he says he feels better, too.

I decided to look up the side-effects of the medications I'm on. A possible side effect of prednisone is depression. I've had these feelings for weeks now (about the words words words), but didn't feel like this until the day after I took my first 3-pill dose of the steroid.

So just like that other birth control I was on, no prednisone. I'll finish out this bottle I have because it's already tapering off, but there has to be an alternative if I ever need it again...if it's even working.

I don't feel like myself and it's making me think the crazy thoughts again.

I'm not blaming it on the medication entirely. Like I said, I already had my frustrations. But I didn't treat my boyfriend like crap over it until now.

Follow-up appointment with my primary care on Monday. Maybe I can do something about it then. Otherwise, I have to make it to Thursday.

I don't know if I'll even be able to stand myself for that long.

Sad face.

I'm sorry, BF.

Stop feeding me blah blah blah

I've been sick for 3 weeks now. I finally went to the doctor on Wednesday and was diagnosed with bronchitis and eventually some kind of strep. On top of that I think I had the worst sinus infection I've ever had and the antibiotic they put me on got rid of that in 24 hours, but I still feel the pain sometimes. They also put me on prednisone and gave me an inhaler for my coughing attacks.

I don't know if it's the meds or being sick for so long or maybe I'm just frustrated with things in general, but I have been in some foul mood...especially when it comes to BF.

He is just all talk talk talk but no action. What is that song by Ke$ha? "Blah blah blah blahblahblah blah blah Comin' outcha mouth witcha blah blah blah..."

There are so many things he says and then doesn't follow through. Or he puts it into some code that I'm figuring out on my own. Like, "I'll see what I can do..." or "I don't think..." or "I'll try" means that it's not going to happen. He just doesn't want to flat out tell me so.  Instead, he gets my hopes up and even though now I know what it means, I still hope.  I mean, for goodness sake...just tell me so I can get past the disappointment and move on to something else.

He said that he doesn't come have lunch with me on Fridays anymore all the time because he doesn't want me to get used to it. Nope, he doesn't come at all now and hasn't since last spring. If you don't want to come anymore, just say so! Don't try to pretty it up and make it seem like you're trying to do something good or special when you have no intention of doing it at all. I just get disappointed every single Friday because there's that tiny glimmer of hope that maybe he'll actually do it this time. I usually don't hear from him at all on Fridays. Maybe at 8:30 in the morning, then after that -- nothing.

"I'm never too busy for you."
"If I were there right now, I'd go out of my way to see you."
"I'll have to make sure I stop by and see you."

But he is too busy.
But when he is around, he doesn't go out of his way to see me.
And he doesn't stop by and see me.

He says he wants to marry me. He talks about it constantly. He won't tell me his plan. He told me some of the things that are holding things up...things that are petty and I don't care about and he knows this.  I feel like they're excuses to put it off. And that's fine. Just stop talking about it, please.

The sad thing is, I've already discussed these things with him and how it makes me feel, but it doesn't stop.

And my mother, in a conversation we had a few weeks ago about something else, said that I can't get on him about this stuff because then he'll stop talking to me about anything.

So what am I supposed to do?

I find myself on the verge of tears because all of this stuff gradually builds up and it's especially difficult when he asks me what's wrong and I feel like I can't talk to him about it because I don't want to be a nag.

I can feel myself putting my walls back up.

I'm so tired of being fed words, words, and more words just because he thinks it's what I want to hear. I just want the truth, even if it's hurts a little. At least the hurt and disappointment is over quickly instead of being dragged out for weeks and months.

Maybe I'm just being immature about the whole thing.

/end venting session

Randomness, like usual

The kiddos and I had a semi-successful Christmas shopping trip this evening.  We went to the mall and picked up some things for a few people. It's getting harder and harder to shop for people..and now I think it's been long enough that I've known BF and his son that I think they should get separate gifts from me and the kids.

I'm debating whether or not I should give X a gift from the kids or not.  Last year I sent them a wrapped framed picture of them to give to him.  I don't know if he cared about it or not.  I just ordered prints of our 2012 portraits and ordered an extra 5x7 of one of them. I guess I should give it to them to pass along to him.

Anyway, the unplanned Christmas shopping trip happened because BF is at a bachelor party tonight and I didn't want to be sitting around thinking about how he would normally be here with me.  I think the kids really liked it, though, and it got us out of the house.  They were pretty well behaved and I rewarded them with small milkshakes, which they've never had before.  DD thought it was "soooooooo good".

This morning I had brunch with BF, his mother, and BFS. I'm not much of a talker and neither was his mom. I don't know how it went. I mean, nothing bad happened, but I don't know how she felt it went. I guess I'll find out soon enough. I sat in the backseat of the car with BFS for part of our time out and I think he really liked it. It was a rather nice short bonding time with him.

And on a random note, I made a cool discovery this morning. Well, not really a discovery.  I had read somewhere a long time ago that using hair conditioner as a shaving cream works really well. So I switched hair products recently and had some leftover conditioner and finally decided to try it that way. It was amazing! I switched razors a few months ago and while I had less irritation after shaving, the shave wasn't as close (which is probably why I had less irritation) and I was using a foaming shaving lotion. Using the conditioner gave a super close shave. So close that even after I got out of the shower and had goosebumps on my legs, I still didn't feel any hair. And there's no razor burn or irritation.  I may just switch to conditioner from now on and skip the gel/cream.

So, as a beauty tip -- and possibly a money-saving tip -- use your leftover conditioner as a shaving cream!  It works!  The only downside is I can't see exactly where I shaved last. BUT that's not a deal breaker for me.

I guess that's it for now.  Until next time...

Fifth time's a charm

I don't know how many times I've sat down at the computer, typed out an entire entry, then ended up deleting the while thing and walked away. I think I've done it at least 4 times.  Hopefully this doesn't turn into the fifth. Haha!

So many things have been going on that I just don't feel like I've written enough when I do write.  I don't know why I feel like I have to fully disclose everything.  I guess I like to look back and re-read these things from time to time, but I don't think there would be anything important that I absolutely have a to have included.

Actually, there are two things: we celebrated DS's third birthday at the end of October and my and BF's first exclusive dating anniversary.

I can't believe DS is 3 years old. It feels like he was just born yesterday, and now he's a walking, talking, master jigsaw puzzle solving, alphabet reciting, singing, block building, counting, almost preschooler.  Last year he didn't do much of anything of those things.  He has grown so much.  And he's such a sweet little guy.  He's a cuddler, for sure. If he spots me sitting down, he has to sit on my lap.  When I pick him up from daycare or come home after work, he immediately runs up to me and grabs my legs and nuzzles his face into them.

I'm really glad BF has gotten to see him grow in this way. When we're all out together in public, he looks like he could be their father...though not in looks.  But the way they cling to him and he takes charge in looking after them, it could easily be mistaken. If someone asks, he is quick to point out that BFS is his own and the other two are mine.

It's so awkward, but I guess that's what you're supposed to do.

I haven't seen BFS all that much, but I feel like we made some great strides a few days ago during family night.  BF and I spent the day together for our anniversary and then picked up BFS from the bus stop and then my kids from daycare. Then we all went to the grocery store to pick up dinner items and BFS held my hand for the first time!  And sometimes he'd grab my arm and rest his head against it.  I thought my heart was going to explode, it was so touching and I felt so close to him just in that moment.

So despite not spending a lot of time with him, maybe 3 hours a week, we're making progress.

Speaking of progress...BF has been talking marriage a lot lately.  He said he was looking at rings and he keeps asking me about wedding plans and picking a warmer anniversary date. I still struggle with talking about future plans when at this point it's not a guarantee that we have anything to plan for.  Granted, even when we are engaged it's not a guarantee, but it's certainly more likely to happen. Yesterday he said he can't wait until I'm his wife, and I wanted to say, "THAT'S WHAT AN ENGAGED MAN WOULD SAY TO HIS FIANCEE!!!"  But I didn't.  Because I'm not psycho and I don't want to push him into something before he's ready.  Though I don't think I'd really be pushing...but if it's what he wanted now, you'd think it would already be done. Does that make sense?

I honestly think that in his head we're already engaged.  I think if he could, he'd skip that whole part and just get married right away.

I guess that's a good thing.  I thought it was usually women who thought that way, but he has certainly made it clear that he is more than ready and super excited to move onto that part of our lives together.

I think I'm officially meeting his mom next weekend. That randomly came up when we talked last night. I'm thinking that's the thing he's been waiting for before we do move forward.

So I have a gut feeling that there could be some exciting news to be shared in the near future, though I'm not going to try to predict when.

I guess that's all for now.  I think I'll actually post this one!

Until next time...

As someone who cares

Well...so far, so good on the pill front.  I've only been on the new one for about 2 full weeks, but I feel pretty normal.  I haven't had any irrational thoughts and I'm not breaking out too badly.  The doctor/nurse said it would take a few months to become accustomed to it, but I'm pretty happy with them right now.

X has been asking to discuss with me over the last few months the situation with the kids.  Between taking 24+ hours to reply or replying when I'm already in bed, it would go up to two months before he'd mention anything again.  So couple weeks ago we finally "discussed" the situation and got nowhere.  He told me before that nothing that is in the current custody order is an issue anymore, which I know is not the case.  I know he and TOW (who, from now on will be known as XW) are together and that they're expecting a child at the end of the month.  I alluded the fact that I know more than he thinks I know and that his dishonesty and lack of good judgment are huge issues for me.  He made it seem like I was referring to divorce issues and basically told me that anything that needed to be discussed couldn't be done outside of a courtroom.

So I'm waiting for something from the court.

If he thinks for a second that I'm willingly going to let him take my children around someone who is abusive, he is out of his mind.  It's bad enough that he's putting himself in that situation (and soon his newborn son) and if that's what he wants to do, I don't care, but why in the world would he want to subject his kids to that?  Even if she didn't do anything to them, it's bad enough if they see them fighting or abusing each other.

I truly do just want to protect them.  They are healthy and they are happy and in no way am I punishing them like he says I am.  And I don't know how he thinks he can take them out to do things when he can't even pay his child support and he has another kid on the way who he will have to support and care for as well.

I'll just have to wait and see what happens.

Things with BF seem to be going well, still.  I had a few days where I was feeling a bit dejected by him and Monday we had a heart to heart about it.  I hadn't said anything to him about it because I was trying to figure out if it was something that I was supposed to be upset about or if I was being unreasonable.  We had watched a movie about a couple that had been engaged for 5 years and things got really bad over that period of time.  After the movie was over he was asking me if I was having doubts about him and all the stuff on my mind came out.

The bad thing was that I had no solution for anything I said.  They were just feelings I had and I still had no clue what to make of them.

The good thing was that he listened.  He listened!  Oh my gosh, I can't even begin to tell you how nice it was to be able to talk to someone like that not have the blame immediately placed on me or to be told that I'm being ridiculous.  He said that my feelings are my feelings and I shouldn't feel bad for what I feel.  He tried to talk it out with me and has since made an effort to try and fix things, even though we don't even know if those things are really a problem or even the root of the problem.

Just talking about it made me feel better.  Now that I'm writing, I think the problem may have been that I felt like he just didn't or wouldn't care.  The things he did added to the things he said (and those things probably shouldn't have been added together) just didn't send out a good message and I didn't think he would care how I felt or even want to talk about it.

But he did care and he did want to talk.

Words can't describe how much I appreciate that and how much it makes me adore him even more.  Thinking about it gets me a little choked up.

Yeah, I have no doubts.  I don't know for certain what the future holds, but I do know that he is a truly good man and I am so blessed for having him in my life.

Now I can't stop smiling!

My babies aren't babies anymore

Well, I was in bed dozing when BF wanted to call and wish me a goodnight.  Now I'm wide awake and I'll bet he's already fast asleep.

So I shall write.

I've had the strange urge to clean and organize lately.  The bad thing about it is that I don't have time!  I have a song to record for choir, plus two others I'd like to record so I can sing with them in the future. The choir song is most important, though.  I work full time and have the two kiddos and try to add in time to see BF.  I thought I would have plenty of time over the long weekend, but it seems like that extra time was pulled right out from under me.

I've really been looking at the kids in the last month and I'm in disbelief that they came from me.  I remember how tiny and helpless they were right after they were born and it seems like time has flown by so fast.

DD is writing her name and all her letters and numbers up to twenty and drawing and skipping and singing and making up stories and solving puzzles and pretending to cook and taking care of her sick stuffed animals.  Over the weekend she started getting attached to the fuzzy sweaters I like to wear because they smell like me and she wants to sleep with them during nap time and bedtime. I'm trying to discourage it...though it's the sweetest thing and it melts me heart that she likes that it smells like me.  I just don't know if it's something I should enable her to be attached to.

DS is speaking in full sentences and pretty much potty training himself.  The poopoo on the potty seems to be going much easier than the peepee.  That's the opposite of his sister.  He's more of a builder than a puzzle solver.  He's jumping around and running and digging in the dirt.  When we go to the park he loves to swing on the swings and throw mulch (which I discourage).  He's trying to write his name.  He loves to sing and right now I think his favorite song is Old MacDonald had a Farm.  He loves the Cars movies (though he just the other day destroyed Cars 2...grr).  His favorite color is green, I think.  He knows his colors and can sing the whole alphabet.

It's hard to believe that they'll be 3 and 5 years old in just a few months.

Where has the time gone?

Back in May, I had my girly doctor check-up and the doctor put me on the pill because my monthly visitor was getting increasingly heavier and painful.  She put me on a regular tri-phasic pill and I thought my body adjusted to it really well (virtually pain-free and much lighter!!), but I noticed that some point during the third week, I would swing into a terrible mood and some kind of depression.  I think it took two months to figure it out and I thought that maybe it was just because I wasn't used to it yet.  So I stuck with it for 4 months and the duration of the bad mood lessened, but the intensity got worse.  My mom was demanding to know what was wrong with me and why I was being so hard on the kids when they were being their normal selves.  I told her that it was out of my control and I was fighting the urge to jump in my car and just drive off somewhere so I can be away from everyone (even BF).  I also told her that my brain was telling me that this thing with BF is going nowhere and that I should just get it over with and break up with him.

But I know these thoughts are completely irrational.  I didn't drive off and leave my kids and I didn't dump my boyfriend.  The fact that I can even reason with myself during those periods tells me that I'm not myself at all.  I don't care how much more pleasant my monthly visitor is, it isn't worth turning into something I can't even stand.

So today I called the doctor during my lunch break today and she called in a different kind of prescription for me.  The nurse who called me was concerned that I had thoughts of hurting myself or someone else.  Thankfully, it wasn't to that point, but I really didn't want to keep trying those pills long enough to find out if it would end up going that far. I told her that if I did have those thoughts I would get help right away.

So I'll try these new lower dose pills and see how they do.  I don't remember having an issue with the lower dose ones year ago, but my body wasn't quite the same back then, either.

I guess I'll close here and see if I can fall asleep.

One year already?!

Tomorrow it will be one year since my divorce was finalized.

Time flies when you're having fun, right?!

I can't believe it's been that long already, yet sometimes it feels like it should be the third year.

I was trying to remember where I was at this point last year.  I don't mean physically. I didn't write but one entry last August and then the next was in November after I had already met BF and started falling for him.

I think this time last year I was anxious for it to be over, not knowing the emotional roller-coaster that was coming.  I thought I knew what I was going to do.  I thought I knew who I was going to date.  I had everything planned out in my head until the day I found out that it was all over (which wasn't until September 2 or 3, I don't think).  I was excited, but confused.  I realized that they guy I thought I was going to date wasn't who I wanted to date.  I told him that I didn't think he was in a place where he should be dating (he spent most of our talks telling me why he was such a bad person instead of trying to convince me that he was a great person and ready to be who he wanted to be).  But I also realized that I needed some time to be truly alone.

I don't think I've talked to that guy since.  He sent me a message this past January and I didn't reply...it was weird.  He was trying to explain how he couldn't explain his behavior and that he hoped we could be friends again and that he was dating someone and saw I was dating someone and that he's happy for the both of us.  He also said that it would be his last communication with me until he heard from me.  So I decided to leave well enough alone.

Anyway, I feel like that whole other mess was directing me to where I am now: successful at my job, mother of two healthy and happy children, loved by a gentle giant.

That's the best way I can describe him.  Gentle giant.  I never in a million years would have predicted that this good-looking 6'3" man would have such a big heart, be such a good dad, be capable of loving the way he does, be adored by my kids and return the adoration, be more ticklish than I am, or fall for someone like me.

I should probably save stuff like that for my entry at our 1 year dating mark.

I feel like I'm right where I'm supposed to be.  Things seem to be moving at a reasonable pace.

As terrible and mind-numbing as it was, I'm thankful for all the things I had to deal with for those 8 years.  I'll still be dealing with it to some extent for the next 15 years, but I have someone who says he will stand by me through it all.

I'll say it again: God has been so good to me.

Shocker

Right now is one of those times when I wish I still had a best girl friend.

Picking nits

So BF and I kind of hit a tiny rough patch yesterday.

I think it's the first time I've ever been truly upset with him. And it's not that he did anything wrong...he formed an opinion based on ignorance and I found it offensive. I didn't want to write out what it was, but I don't feel like I can express it properly without it.

It was two things.

The first actually came up weeks ago, but the subject was dropped and I rehashed it yesterday, against my better judgment.

Depression. He says depression is something people make up out of convenience or to somehow get what they want. Depressed? Fix what's making you depressed!

Right. Easy, coming from someone who has never dealt with depression. I told him that some people don't know why they are depressed. You can't fix it if you don't know what is broken. I told him that I don't have a source for my anxiety attacks at times, so other than breathing through it, I can't fix anything. My depression was situational. Yes, I could've fixed it much sooner, but it wasn't going to be easy no matter what I did. And I told him that when I did fix my situation, it didn't just suddenly go away. I think it took a year for the depression to fully pass and even then I still had down moments where it felt like everything in my world was crashing down...and rightfully so, I think. I do think that it's better to try to work through it and do what you can before resorting to treating it with medication, but sometimes I think people don't have another option.

I told him that he needs to be careful who he says that to because he knows nothing about it or what it's like and it's very insensitive.

The second issue that came up (it was actually the very first issue that came up yesterday) is something else that he knows nothing about. He had seen a video of someone who had suffered some kind of injury and doctors said that he would never walk again, but with a lot of persistence and work, he does walk again. That's an amazing thing. A miracle. But to BF, it just proves that anyone who doesn't fully recover from their injury just didn't try hard enough. They gave up.

I 100% disagree. I had a small taste of being paralyzed with both c-sections that I had. They gave me a spinal block and I couldn't move or feel anything from my chest all the way down to my toes. I wasn't allow to see my newborn baby until I could roll my legs back and forth and bend my knees. I had every motivation to move my legs and I wanted to so badly and I was trying so hard, but as long that spinal block hadn't worn off, my nerves were as good as dead and I wasn't going to move. It was exhausting. It took 2.5-3 hours after the birth for me to have enough progress to get to see my baby.

I also told him that from the surgery itself, I have no sensation on my skin from my c-section scar up to my belly button because my nerves were severed and didn't heal properly. No amount of willpower or wishful thinking is going to make me be able to suddenly feel something touching me in that area again.

And that's minor. Someone has a brain, neck or back injury. Someone has some kind of surgery that requires nerve regeneration in order to heal properly and have full range of motion and sensation back. Unless your body is healing the way it's supposed to, there may be nothing that can be done to fix it so it's as if nothing had ever happened. I think there are cases where you can heal just enough that you can make it, but I don't think everyone is so fortunate.

I told him that with his logic, his marriage didn't work because he didn't try hard enough. Same with mine. I told him that with his way of thinking, it means that anyone who was in the same kind of situation as his mother (her full recovery from the heart attack) and didn't recover like she did didn't try hard enough to keep breathing.

I told him that he needs to go up to the guy as his work who lost 3 of his fingers in an accident and now can hardly move his thumb and index finger and tell him that he's not trying hard enough. See if he says, "You're right! I'm going to go work on that right now!"

Maybe I'm just being overly sensitive, but I thought he was being completely insensitive and he's entitled to his opinion, but maybe he needs to word it better...because the way he said it made him seem like a huge jerk. And I know he's not a jerk.

So that put me in a crappy mood after having a pretty good day.

Then, I get a couple texts from him between 7 and 8 o'clock last night (and one a little after 8, but I didn't see it for some reason), which is fine. He got his boat put back together and he's going to test it out. That's great. Come 9:30, I'm exhausted and I lay down in bed and fall asleep. 10:50, he asks me if I'm still up, to which I reply that I had been sleeping. He wants to talk. Okay.

He said that he had been at his best friend's house talking to his best friend's wife and he kept trying to leave, but she wouldn't stop talking.

Normally, I'd be a bit suspicious about something like that, but I have no reason not to trust him and I don't think he would've called me and volunteered that information if he was up to no good.

She had texted him when we were on the way home from work, asking him if she could talk to him about her husband, who is his best friend and who is also across the country right now. I told him that if he talks to her, it needs to be over the phone. He said it would be.

He said that they did talk on the phone, but I guess because he had been over in that vicinity because of testing out the boat, he decided to talk to her in person while her two kids and his son played.

I told him that given the fact that her husband is out of town and they're having marriage problems, that was a bad move on his part. It doesn't matter if there were kids there. If she says the wrong thing or her husband finds out much later that they had gotten together to discuss him while he was gone, it's going to look bad, even if they did just talk.

So I was annoyed about that and now he's getting sucked into that situation whether he likes it or not. I was annoyed that he gave me a hard time that I didn't initiate talking to him before I fell asleep and that he talk so late when he knew I had to get up early for work the next morning (and I didn't go back to sleep until about midnight). I was still trying to get un-annoyed about the the earlier conversation.

He has BFS all weekend, which means that we probably won't see much of each other. I'm thinking this is good. I need time to regroup and get my brain back in order, that way if he wants to revisit any of these things I'm of a new mindset and maybe we'll get along better.

That doesn't mean I won't miss him, though.

To end this on a good note, I was informed on Wednesday that I got another raise. I've been working there for 14 months and in that time I've gotten 3 raises and a promotion and my managers said that I'm doing a wonderful job and they could only wish that all newer trainees did as well as I do.

For once in my life, I feel proud of myself and I think I deserve it. God is so good.

Whew

Well, he says he talked to her today when she called him to chew him out and he says he thinks he smoothed things over.  He said he pretty much told her the same thing I said earlier in here that I'm not replacing anyone.  He also said that they want me to come and that he's not the one inviting me over.

So I guess I don't have to worry about it for now.

Thank goodness.

Between a rock and a hard place

I don't know what to do.

Last night was family dinner with BF's ex-in-laws. I started going to these things in March, so last night was my 6th dinner, or 6 months of attendance. So this is nothing new to anyone, or at least it shouldn't be.

After dinner was over and everyone left, BF and I went downstairs to watch a movie. Not far into the movie, his ex starts sending him text messages and I know it's her because he set her number up with a unique ringtone.

I saw enough of the message to know that she was furious that I went to the dinner (and she knew about the very first one I went to because she blew up at him then, too). She said that we can both go to hell and he'd better not bring me around her.

He didn't know I saw, I don't think, so I asked him what it was about and he wouldn't tell me. He kept trying to direct my attention to the movie and I kept pressing until he told me what I already knew: that she was angry.

She sent more texts, but I didn't see them and he looked at them to clear the notification off of his phone and then ignored it.

I don't know why she's getting upset now...unless she's been doing this all along and he hasn't told me. She lives with her aunt who has been to every dinner I've attended except one. BFS comes with her aunt for the dinner and then comes back home with her, so I'm sure either one of those two have let her know every time I've been there.

The only think I can think of is that the aunt may have told her that one of her nephews called me BFS's mom...who I have never claimed or tried to be. I think he's only 4 years old and from what I heard, she hasn't been around in 2 years. He didn't know any better and I don't know if his mother corrected him or not.

Is this confusing yet?

It doesn't help that the ex's mother kept talking about how I should have come with them to the beach and she's already pressuring me to go next year (she was even interrogating me about the leave I earn at work).

I can understand how BF's ex would be upset. I would be too. But I'm not convinced that I'm doing anything wrong. I'm not trying to replace her as someone's daughter or granddaughter or aunt or mother. The only space I've filled is the love-interest spot in BF's life, which I don't think she even cares about.

Part of me wants to just stop going to the dinners. There's a reunion type thing coming up in September that I would need to miss, too.

But I know they will all take it personally if I stop coming. BF will have it easier, too, because he won't get the nasty texts anymore...at least not about that. I'm sure it'll be easier for BFS, too, somehow. At the same time, I won't be giving BF the support that he wants when he goes to these things and he may stop going himself and lose whatever relationship he has left with them (which really isn't my responsibility, I don't think).

On the other hand, if I keep going, BF gets that support and everyone else keeps doing what they're doing...but the harassment continues and I don't know how far that will go and what will happen to BF or BFS as a result.

Those two are the people who I care most about in all this. I don't see a winning situation regardless of what I do.

I feel like I'm just making everything so complicated.

I need to talk to BF about this, but I know he'll say the contacts from her don't bother him and I shouldn't change anything, but I'm pretty sure they do.

I hope I'm just making a mountain out of a mole hill. Maybe she just had a bad day yesterday.

Or maybe I really am doing the wrong thing.

Busy bee

The last two weeks have been rather hectic.

Two weeks ago on Monday I had to leave work a few hours early because BF and I had carpooled and his mother had a heart attack. My first time "meeting" her was when she was in the ER and sedated. I didn't think that was how she would want me to see her for the first time, but BF wanted me there with him. She's home now and still healing, but it looks like she will be making a full recovery, which is a miracle. She had blood clots in both lungs and had stopped breathing. The doctor didn't know how much brain damage she had...which turns out to be none!

Despite his mother being ill, he still wanted to do our date night that night, so we got lunch at a local coffee shop and hiked up to MD He1ghts and took some nice pictures up there. It was a pretty intense hike, which I think would have been worse if I hadn't been doing my walking. He brought up weddings and houses again and I think I kind of squashed his ideas about those...first I told him that cruise weddings are really expensive and then I told him that I don't really like discussing those things yet because I feel like that other step needs to happen first.

He hasn't said anything about those things since then.

Then we went back to Gma's house where there was a telescope and we gazed at the nearly full moon (which was pretty darn cool). I wish my birthday idea for him had worked out. I think he would have loved it.

I don't recall if I ever said what I had planned to do. My plan was on August 5th to take him to a nearby university that has an observatory that is open to the public 2 days per month. They have a short lecture and then observation time with what I assume to be huge telescopes. Unfortunately, I realized that my parents would be out of town about a week before we were supposed to do it and then the next time I would've been able to do it probably would have been in September, which would be about 2 months after his birthday. So I baked him a cake that he thought was absolutely delicious (it was german chocolate cake soaked with caramel and sweetened condensed milk and covered in whipped cream and crunched up heath bars...I didn't have any because I don't like coconut!). Then after the getting lost fiasco during the reunion weekend, I got him a gps, which he also liked and found humorous.

So a few days after date night, my parents left for TN to go visit my brother and his wife. At least I think it was a few days later...all of this stuff is starting to run together. I had to get the kids up for daycare before 5 am to get them to daycare, which meant that I had to get up at 3:30 am. All of us were exhausted. On the plus side, BF made an effort to spend time with us every night. It was nice to have someone else there for company. I made these little peanut butter cup cheesecake things Friday night, which BF loved. Saturday we all piled in his car (BFS, too) and went to the Balt1more aquarium. It didn't all go quite as we had planned, but we did get to go into the aquarium eventually. DD didn't seem like she could've cared less. BFS liked it, I think, and DS wanted to look at every exhibit. I liked it, too, except it was so crowded and I couldn't squeeze through all the people to look at stuff with the kids. It was a rough week, energy-wise. I didn't do any walking or running because I don't think I would have survived. Needless to say, my production at work was pretty low, I think. I hope if a manager is worried about it, they'll ask me why or at least talk to me about it.

This past weekend, BF and BFS went to the beach with his ex-in-laws. He invited me and the kids to come along, which I declined. Of course I was kicking myself for not going because I missed him like crazy and he told me to remind him the next time he decides to go away for a weekend without me how much he misses me when he does that.

You'd think Florida would be easy enough to remember.

Anyway, he came over early yesterday after he got home and we spent a good 6 hours together, which was nice.

And I think that's it!

Initiate abrupt ending.

I survived

Well, I finally realized that certain things didn't work on that last template I used.  I tried to change to something else, but blogger wouldn't accept the code.  So I'll just stick to a pre-made one already on here that I know will work.

I survived the reunion weekend!  We left Friday right after work and drove up to Pittsburgh.  BFS is a good traveler.  Anyway, after some traffic and nearly going to the wrong hotel, we finally got to our destination at about 10:30 pm.  I met his dad and step-mom that evening.  It was pretty brief, so shortly thereafter we retired to our rooms and went to bed.

Next day we had brunch with his parents and then headed to the reunion.  BF said there would only be 30 or so people there, but I think it was more like 50!  He didn't really know anyone, so we pal-ed around together the entire time and spent some more time talking to his parents (thus, I got to know them a bit better).

There was lots of stuff to do there.  There was fishing, horseshoes and some other games, horsey rides for the kids, lots of food and drinks...and there was more, but for the life of me, I can't remember what it is.  BFS had a mental checklist of things he wanted to do while he was there.  It was kind of cute and I'm pretty sure he did all of it.

After that, we had dinner/dessert with his parents and then retired to bed.

Sunday, we had breakfast with his parents and then headed home.  BF had to drop BFS off with his ex, then he came back over for game night with my parents.

He said that his parents like me and they both have the same good feeling about me.  That is such a hugely humongous-ly gigantic relief!  I liked them, too.  They were very nice and welcoming and I enjoyed talking to them.  They told me that they expected me to come down and visit with BF and BFS if they come down during the winter (ahhhhh!!!).

Even though we spent just about every second of 48 hours together, I felt like it had just been another trip to work.  I don't know if that made sense.  It didn't feel like we actually saw each other as much as we did.  Maybe it's because we were so busy the entire time.  He said he felt the same way.  I don't know if that's a good or bad thing.  I guess it's good...it's better than feeling like the weekend dragged on and we got sick of each other.

We've actually seen each other every day for over two weeks now.  And not just for 5 minutes.  I just doesn't feel like that much.

Last night we went to a local baseball game together (our team won and they had fantastic fireworks afterwards!) and today it feels like I didn't even see him.

He's been talking about wedding stuff and houses lately.  He showed me a house that he wants in WV and he wanted to know if I liked it.  I am so close to grabbing his face in my hands and making him look me in the eye while I tell him, "You're thinking about this all out of order!!!!!"

I can't make him propose, but I feel like that needs to happen before I even toy with the idea of anything else.

And funny enough, he was talking about a cruise wedding and yesterday I get something in the mail for the first time from a major cruise line.

All of this is still so exciting and scary and somehow depressing.

Oh well.

In other news, I've been keeping up with my walking/running.  I ran before work yesterday and one of my feet went numb.  I googled it and it looks like when people have this problem it because of their shoes or socks.  I haven't tightened the laces on my shoes since I got them and I know they're broken in by now.  So I hope it's just because it was already 80 degrees outside so my feet probably swelled a little and my sock had gotten messed up.

I'm being beckoned by my mother.  Later!

Run run run

One of my least favorite things about writing here is that I don't know how to start an entry.  I don't know how many times I sit down to write and then don't because I can't even figure out the first sentence.

How lame.

Things have been rather uneventful over the last two weeks, I think.  I have trouble remembering what happens from day to day because it feels like time is going so incredibly fast.  The year is already over halfway over and so much is coming up...or at least it feels like there so much coming up.

One of the office assistants had her last day of work two Fridays ago, so this week I and a co-worker (I'll call her Leigh) have been alternating days being office assistants.  I kind of like it.  It gives me a break from paying claims and it gives me something different to think about.  It also helps keep my production up, I think, which makes me look good.  Or better, anyway.

I carpooled with BF Monday through Thursday.  It's nice to be able to save some gas, but I really like getting to see him first thing in the morning.  And it's nice to ride with someone (and the fact that it's him makes it so much better).  It makes me dislike Fridays, though.  He doesn't work on Friday and I typically don't get to see him at all...which is what happened yesterday.  Seeing each other for more than just 5 minutes every day since Saturday and then a day with nothing at all feels kind of crappy.

I went for a run last Saturday.  Actually, it was more like a power walk than a run.  I probably ran/jogged .75 miles total and briskly walked the rest of the time.  I splurged on a pair of nice running shoes to get myself motivated.  They weren't too expensive, I don't think, but they were more than I would typically spend on a pair of shoes and they had a good rating and looked like they were good quality.  It was a brand I've worn before and they are silver and black and hot pink!

Anyway, I figured if I had a pair of running shoes then I'd probably be more motivated to get up early and run.  The only problem is that I'd only have time to do it on the weekends, which doesn't seem like it would be that helpful.

I was talking to my co-worker/friend and mentioned the running and how I was thinking about trying to do something like that before work, since I arrive an hour before my shift starts, and she said that she would try to get there early, too, and walk with me.

Yay!

So we actually walked about 2.5 miles before work on Thursday and Friday, which kicked my butt and made me feel exhausted for the entire day.  But when I ran this morning, I actually ran more on the same route I used last weekend and my time was better.  I use an app on my phone to keep track of it, which is kind of fun.  Then I can see my progress.

This morning was even better because BF got up early and met me at the end of a nearby road on his bike and we did most of my run/walk together.  I like doing that with someone because I feel safer and it's nice to have someone to talk to.  I really like that he was willing to get up early on his 'Sunday' and do it with me.  When we got back to the house, we sat outside in the cool air and chatted for about 45 minutes.

Ah, he's such a wonderful boyfriend.  I'm so undeserving of him.

His birthday is on Sunday, but what I want to do for his birthday can't be done until August.  So I have a plan of something small I can do in honor of his birthday.  He'll be 31 years old.  It's kind of weird to think that he's nearly 3 years older than I am.  He's such a big kid, it's easy to forget.

This upcoming Friday is when we leave for his family reunion.  I am so incredibly nervous, it isn't funny.  I'll not just be meeting his parents, I'll be meeting practically his entire extended family on his dad's side all at the same time.  I hope his parents like me as much as he says they will.  Sometimes I do or say dumb things out of nervousness and anxiety and people get the wrong idea.  Or I'm extremely shy and I come across as being a snob or being self-righteous, which I'm not.  I guess I'll find out soon enough.  I think we're leaving right after I get home from work, so I'll have to have my stuff packed up before I go to bed on Thursday.

Today would've been an extremely busy day, except I'm not super woman.  I was asked to do some overtime at work this morning, but I don't have childcare (although BF said he would watch the kids if I wanted him to).  There's one of those hosted parties this afternoon, except it's two separate parties smooshed into one big 4 hour party.  Then my niece and nephew are having a combined birthday party this afternoon.  So my hopes of doing something for BF's birthday today were dashed and I knew I could only opt for one activity, so I chose the family birthday party.

It's still going to be a fairly busy day.  Running this morning, then getting a shower and feeding the kids, then going out to the store to get what I need for BF's little surprise, then lunch and naptime, then running out the door for the birthday party, rushing home to get them in bed at a decent hour and then hopefully spending the evening with BF after he drops BFS off with his mother.

Weekends just don't feel like weekends anymore.

I've got no powah

The power went out Friday night.

We didn't have power all day Saturday.  It was so incredibly hot inside that the kids were drenched in sweat and so was I.  We have a generator, but we used it for the refrigerator and to charge our phones and it made me very grouchy and all I wanted was to be able to take a shower.  BF kept checking in throughout the day to see if the power came back, which it hadn't, then at about 3 pm he told me he'd be back in Gma's and said I could take a shower there.

So the kids and I piled in my car and went over there...only 2-3 miles away, with electricity and air conditioning...and we all were bathed and enjoying the cool air for a little while.  Gma is such a sweet woman and I can't thank her enough for letting us use her shower.

To be courteous, I made sure everything was clean when I left and I brought my own towels and soap so she wouldn't feel so put out for allowing us to do that.

Then BF and his son and me and my kids headed out to grab some dinner.  I was already still grouchy because of being in the heat all day long and BF was on the edge because of I don't know what.  I'll be honest with you, dinner was not fun that evening.

I didn't get the kids in bed that night until the sun went down just because I wanted their room to have a chance to cool a little bit.  It didn't cool down at all because there was no air circulating throughout the house to get the warm air out.

BF came shortly after 8 pm and helped my dad install a window fan.  Then the air started moving a bit.  After the kids were in bed and everything else was settled, BF and I went outside to talk for a while in the cool night air.  We sat in these metal chairs near the main entrance.

He told me that he was thinking about this plan that he has and that he feels like he's procrastinating with "us" and he doesn't know why.  He said he wasn't sure he would ever get to where he wants to be with this plan that he's not telling me.  All he said is that by next spring, he thinks he'll be where he wants to be financially.  I don't know what means.  I was asking questions to try and understand, but they really got me nowhere.

He then said he had a blanket in his truck and we could go halfway down the driveway and lay down to look at the stars.

What a neat idea.  :)  So that's what we did.  We laid there and kept talking.  He asked me where I wanted to be by this time next year and I honestly don't know.  All I know is where I want to end up, but I don't know how to get there.  And it's not like I can have a plan...He seems to have this schedule set in his head for how he wants things to be done and no plan of mine can change that.

We talked about the fears we have and I told him my fear of making that kind of commitment again.  I'm so glad that he seemed to understand and didn't think it was weird.

I really enjoyed that time with him.  It's definitely something I'll remember for a long time.

The power came back on at about 5 am this morning.

The power was still out at the church, so there was no service.  I spent some time outside with DD and DS and got some sun.  Then they had lunch and went down for a nap.  I took a nap, too, and had the most horrible dream.

I dreamt that I had been pulled over by a police officer and with the way he was talking to me, he was going to make sure he was going to do everything possible to make sure that I was going to jail.  He did a search on me before he took me to wherever he took me...then I waited in that room for a long time, knowing that he was going to come back and do a cavity search.  In this dream, he was pulling over lots of people and doing the same thing, putting us all in this holding room.  I had an iP@d and my cell phone and I was trying to contact someone on the outside for help and the devices wouldn't work.  They didn't have good service or kept falling apart.

Then I woke up.  That probably sounds really dumb, but when I was in the middle of it, it was horrifying!

Some time today, I got a text from my coworker friend, telling me that there is no work tomorrow because there is still no power down there.  I was excited at first, then realized that there would be no date night because I'd then be taking them to visitation, which is fine.  BF and I had already been trying to discuss what we were going to do, so I was little disappointed.  I think he's going to come with us, though.  The kids are excited that I get to take them up there and DD likes that BF will likely be tagging along.  My mom said that after visitation and after we get them fed, we can drop them off and resume our usual date night.

I'm not sure what we'll be doing because it'll be late by the time we get back, but I appreciate that my mom will still let us have some alone time together.

I'm pretty happy that I get this extra time with the kids tomorrow.  DS is so lovey and affectionate, I can't get enough of his cuddling.  I like to watch him and DD interact and learn from each other (mostly him learning from her).  And DD is too stinkin' smart for her own good.  She knows exactly how to manipulate things so that she gets what she wants and I don't realize it until it's already done.

Well, I guess that's all for now.  I don't know why I've been writing so much lately.

Until next time...

Happy birthday to me

Yesterday was absolutely wonderful!

BF worked late the night before and I talked to him while he drove home. He asked if I was too tired for him to stop by and say goodnight...of course I wasn't. So I came out of my room to go turn on the outside light and I heard my mom snoring in the living room. I was trying to be quiet so I didn't wake her, but the floor was so creaky! I felt like I was going to get in trouble even though I wasn't doing anything wrong. I think I stayed outside for about 2 minutes before he left and when I came back through, she kind of freaked out and said, "What's wrong?!" I told her nothing was wrong and went back to bed.

Yesterday morning she asked me about it and we just laughed and laughed...

I had to drop the kids off at daycare, then BF showed up right after I got back home. Off we went, stopping for breakfast along the way. During breakfast, he finally showed me the tickets for where we were going. 6 Flag5! (Sorry about the numbers, I don't want to be searchable.) I had guessed right, only I had the general idea that we were going to an amusement park. I had so much fun and I loved being able to spend the entire day with him. And I didn't look at my phone all day because I gave his number to my mom and left my phone in the car.

I'll tell you what, though. Going on rollercoasters now is much different than when I was younger. Wooden ones are just too rough for me now and I grayed-out on one of the last coasters we went on. Just riding on the swings made me dizzy and one of the rides made BF feel queasy.

BF said it was the best day he's ever had (I think he has to be exaggerating...I imagine the day his divorce was finalized and the day his son was born had to be right up there). It was certainly the best birthday I've ever had.

I am so tired today. I only got about 5.5 hours of sleep after a full day in the heat. Thank goodness it's Friday, huh?

I think I'm going to start running on weekend mornings. I don't have running shoes, but I think I have something that will work until I can get a good pair. I guess I can go running on the mornings when I'm off work, too (like July 4th next week). Maybe it'll get me back into the mood to work out again. Yesterday BF asked me if I was still exercising. I told him I wasn't and asked if he could tell. He said no, but now I'm wondering...

I think tomorrow after my run and breakfast I'll take the kids out before it gets to hot and pick more berries. Then I might try to work on my tan a little (I think being outside all day yesterday helped a bit).

I guess that's all. I had to write again...I still on such a high from yesterday!

I cannot wait until tomorrow

I absolutely cannot wait until tomorrow!! Not because of what we're going to be doing, which I still don't know for sure (but if I'm right, I know it'll be fun), but because I get to spend the entire day with BF.

He moved with Gma as of last night, I guess. It was his first night sleeping there, though I think he still has some things to get out of his house...like his cat.

I've been pretty spoiled lately. He and I carpooled together for the last two days and last Thursday. Today we couldn't because of something going on at his work that's going to keep him there until pretty late tonight. We talked on the phone this morning like we usually do, but I like seeing him first thing in the morning and right after work so much that what was a normal morning just plain sucks.

I feel like a spoiled brat. Haha!

I know I'm fortunate. It's weird how we have the same commute with work hours that are just about the same. I feel so lucky that we can carpool and that he likes to drive, so it saves me gas and anxiety and he's just happy to see me. And now he lives probably 3 miles away (so close, yet so far) as opposed to the whopping 9 or 10 mile difference before.

I'm still having a hard time believing how everything with him seems to be just falling in the place when it comes to him. Everything seems to work out in the easiest possible way and I'm trying to convince myself that it's not too good to be true.

Anyway, I'll stop gushing about that for now. I do that enough every time I write.

I think me and the kids are getting extra close to one another. I see interaction between DD and DS that is unbelievably sweet and nothing that I can force on my own. Saturday has become our berry-picking day...we go around the perimeter of the yard and pick the ripe blackberries that grow along the edge of the woods. They have so much fun and they like seeing the different berry color and the great big spiders that suck the juice out of the fruit. DS always holds my hand as we walk through the grass and DD likes to sneak berries out of the bucket. We also stay outside and draw on the driveway with sidewalk chalk. DD really seems to like it. Then when BF comes over in the evening, they're all over him. Last Saturday, DS was in bed and DD was winding down for bed. BF was showing me a video on his phone and DD crawled up in his lap to see the video, too. I stopped paying attention to her when she lost interest in the video and when I looked back at her, she had stretched herself from his chest to his legs and was just lounging there, watching whatever cartoon was on the television. It was the sweetest thing and he later commented on how he likes how comfortable the kids are with him.

And then some evil part of my brain made me think some thought regarding their father and how they're supposed to have a relationship like that with him.

I don't know where those thoughts come from. I typically don't think about him anymore, so they catch me off-guard. I don't know if it's guilt that they don't have that kind of relationship with him, or some other emotion related to the fact that he's not even trying to pursue that kind of connection with them (that emotion would probably be irritation or anger of some sort).

Oh well. He knows what he needs to do, and it's up to him to do it, not me.

I'm still slacking on the workouts. It's just plain too hot. I did some crunches the other day and I was covered in sweat in no time.

I've read 15 books so far this year. I feel accomplished. I'm working on book number 16 and I think it's going to be good.

I think I had something else substantial to say, but I don't remember. So until next time...

Time is ticking away

I have been so incredibly tired lately.  It started last week and it has slowly gotten worse and worse.  I think I'm just not catching up on my sleep.  I get 6 hours or less of sleep on week nights and 2 sleep in days on the weekend, but I'm up late for one of those nights...and I'm up late on Monday.

I turn 28 next Thursday.  Ugh...I can't believe I'm that old.  BF had me take off one day next week so we can do something for my birthday, but he won't tell me what we'll be doing.  With the little bit of information he gave me, I have an idea of what I think it is, but I'm not telling!

His birthday is a little over 2 weeks later and I have no idea what to do.  I'm getting pretty anxious about it.  I don't know if my mom will keep letting me take a day off work and the kids, especially since less than a week after his birthday, I'll be gone for one or two nights for that reunion.

The reunion is less than a month away now.  Ahhhhh!

And his mom is pressuring him about meeting me and I think that will be happening soon.  Ahhhhh!

He's moving with G-ma as of next Saturday.  I'm not going into how she's related to him.  It's too messy and some people will probably think it's kind of weird because they don't know the kind of relationship he has with that family.  He said it's because he wants to save money for what it's our time.

I don't know exactly what he means.  I don't know if he means saving for a ring, or a down payment on a house, or something else I'm missing.

He did say he has a plan, though he didn't tell me what the plan is.  All he told me is that G-ma keeps asking him when we're going to get hitched and he told her that he wanted to date me for at least a year.  Our first date was at the end of October...that's not that far away.

I do feel a little better knowing that there's more time, though.  I freak myself out thinking about these things.

I hate being afraid to make a commitment like that again.  I have no doubt that I would be happy with him for the rest of my life.  We are compatible in more ways than not, I think, and in the ways we're different, we complete each other.

That sounds really cheesy.

But I can't help but wonder if the things that have come up to make us take things slowly maybe aren't there to force or remind us to take our time, but maybe to make sure we never get there because it's not supposed to happen?

Or my worst fear is that it finally sinks in that I'm not as great as he thinks I am.

I know this is anxiety talking.  I'm thankful for this 4 month or so buffer I still have to get my brain in gear so I can stop worrying so much.

My mom keeps saying that I need to get him saved before anything happens because that's what God wants.  I'm struggling with it.

I think it's kind of hypocritical because she married my dad when he wasn't saved but she was.

He knows how important that part of my life is to me.  He knows that's why I won't live with him now or why I think it's so important to save sex for marriage.  He came to a few Bible studies with me and actually enjoyed it.  We had good conversation about the lessons and we've even had discussions about things on our own and I know it has had him thinking.  He's on the right path in his life...he has the right heart, it's obvious.

But to tell him that he has to be a Christian before we can take that next step...I feel like I'd be trying to force him into doing something that he isn't ready to do or maybe doesn't want to.  I don't want him to do something just to get what he wants or because he thinks it'll make me happy.  If he's going to do that, it needs to be because it's what he's led to do.  I feel like the most I can do is reiterate how important my relationship with God is to me and to ask that he just support me in it the best that he can and whatever happens, happens.

Is that wrong?

We still have who knows how long before the next step is taken, if it even happens and anything can happen in that amount of time.

Oh how I wish I had all the answers.

Moving along...

This is another one of those entries written in a new e-mail page.

There has been LOTS going on in the last week.

My little brother got married last weekend. I was a bridesmaid and DD and DS were one of the flower girls and ring bearers. It was very stressful for me, but they did a good job. My now sister-in-law (more like a sister) had 6 bridesmaids and only gave us a color sample for our dress and then told us to go pick out whatever we want from whereever we want. I got laughed out of one store and the next store I went to had colors that were a shade darker and a shade lighter. I took a chance and ordered a dress a shade darker. By some miracle, everyone's dress was a different style and length, but by golly, all of the dresses were about that same color! I thought that was pretty neat and was relieved that it worked out so well. My main concern was that it would end up being distracting if all of the dresses were entirely different. But they weren't and I think the wedding went well and the bride looked gorgeous like she always does and my brother looked very happy to be marrying her.

I'm so glad it's over. :)

Wednesday was my first anniversary at my current job. It doesn't feel like I've been here that long. I always talk about my job like I just started not long ago, but then I think about how much I've learned in the year I've been here and all of the good things that have happened and based on that, I should have been here longer. I've certainly been blessed and I feel like with how well things are going, I feel like this is where I'm supposed to be. My desk was moved again on Monday. I'm now on the second floor of the building in a little glass room with 3 other people. My desk is much bigger than the last one I had and it looks pretty nice. Instead of a countertop, it's a dark wood counter space (facade, I'm pretty sure, but it's still rather pretty). I'm not sure how the powers that be determine who goes where because it doesn't make much sense, who gets moved next to each other, but I'm not going to complain.

Things with BF are going splendidly. The subject of marriage and weddings has come up a lot lately, especially with last weekend's events. Quite a few people are talking about how we're next...people openly say it on my fb page and in passing at church. Even my mom has insinuated it. BF says that people at his work are talking about it, too. We have talked about it...trying to figure out what we might want to do when we get to the point where we can start planning. After all the drama and stress of this last wedding and hearing horror stories and drama about 2 weddings that one of my co-worker friends was in, I really have no interest in a wedding. Neither does he. We have both been married and planned a wedding before. I know for a fact that having a wedding isn't what makes a marriage last, so I don't particularly care.

The thing is, though, that I think too many other people actually care and would want to be there. Too many people have watched us go through our divorces and hard times and they seem to be excited that he and I have found each other. My mom keeps suggesting something small and intimate...like a family-only wedding and then have a reception where anyone can come. Someone else suggested going to the courthouse and then just having a party to celebrate.

I really like that so many people seem to approve of him and us. It's much different than having people not say anything at all and then tell me later that they never liked the guy and didn't think we should be together.

I guess we'll have lots of time to get it figured out. He doesn't want to take the next step until his parents have met me...which will be happening next month (yikes). I'm going to the family reunion for his dad's side of the family and his dad and step-mom are coming up. While he only spent a couple hours with my parents when he met them, I'm going to be with these people for 2 days or so. If they don't like me, there's not a thing I can do. He doesn't think that will be the case, but it's still scary to think about.

So after that weekend, anything can happen.

I truly never thought that we would end up where we are now. I am so thankful to have him in my life and I hope none of this is too good to be true.

My kids still adore him and they get along really well with BFS. My mom adores BFS and really likes BF. I think my dad likes him, too. He's not very vocal about such things...but he had mentioned things to my mom and makes jokes here and there about marriage.

In other news, I've been slacking on the workouts. I had too much going and just couldn't motivate myself to do it in my spare time. So I plan to start that back up this evening after work. Maybe it'll help me with the sleepiness I've had lately.

I suppose that's all for now.

Short and not-as-sweet

Oops...it looks like I went missing in action for a month again.

Things are just about the same as the last time I wrote.  Things with BF are still going really well, as are things with work and the kids.

I decided it was time for a template change...so I found one that fits how I feel.

I guess that's it for now.  I'll come back another time to write more, I suppose.

I wanted to write more when I logged on here in the first place, but now that I'm typing, I don't want to anymore.

Ha!

Commitment issues

I'm kinda not liking springtime.

I got all comfy and cozy in the routine BF and I had gotten into with spending time with each other and our kids.  Now that the weather is nicer, we're seeing each other less just because more things are coming up.

I knew that was going to happen, but I wasn't mentally prepared for it...especially since we had been able to see each other a lot more in the past few weeks.

This weekend he's on a two night bachelor-party-camping trip.

I didn't even know there was such a thing, but I guess a bachelor party can be anything you want it to be, I guess.  This is the world of people who actually like to spend time outdoors.

I have to give him lots of credit, though.  He was texting me a bit last night and called twice.  And since he's off work on Sunday, he made it sound like he's going to make every effort to get home early enough to clean up and come with me to church.

I am not used to this.  I've known him for 7 months or so and I still don't expect him to be so thoughtful or try so hard.  And now that I think about it, it's really not trying at all...it should be something that someone would want to do for someone they care about.

He and X are so entirely different and I can't help comparing them.  In my head I keep thinking that he's going to act the way X did, but he doesn't.  He never does and for that I am thankful.

Like, X would have left on this trip (if he were really going where he said he would be going) and I wouldn't have heard a peep from him until the trip was over unless I contacted him first, which would have been a disaster because he would accuse me of checking up on him.  And I guarantee you he wouldn't be going out of his way without my asking to come with me to church.

I'm figuring out that the majority of men do not act like X.   I wish I could make myself remember that all the time, especially when it comes to BF.

BF also make comments on a daily basis on how he can't wait until I am his all the time and we can say good night every night in person instead of over the phone.  He says that I am the love of his life and he will love me for the rest of his life.

Well, the feeling is definitely mutual and I daydream about a future with him constantly.  However, I am still thankful for the things that prevent us from being able to rush our way to that point and force us to think about and discuss things well in advance.

And I'm still terrified that he's going to wake up on morning (whether we're living together or not) and suddenly realize that I'm not all that he thinks I am.  I mean, I've been 100% me this entire time.  He knows lots of unappealing things about me and he knows the good things about me.  I'm pretty sure he actually knows who I am and not what he thinks I am.  But I still can't grasp what makes him so drawn to me.  The last thing I want is for us to get married and have him realize this and then feel like he's stuck.

Of course, I think he worries about the same thing, only it'll be me coming to this realization about him.

I wonder if those kinds of thoughts are normal.

In other news, work is going pretty well.  The kids are healthy and seem to be happy, but they've been fighting a lot lately.  DS has packed on some weight in the last couple of weeks and has become a little chubber.

I've been keeping up with my exercising.  My weight's been sticking between 106 and 110, which I am happy about, and I think that fluctuation just has to do with where I am in my cycle.  My mom noticed that my legs are becoming rather shapely.  I have never in my life had shapely legs!!  My arms are definitely toned and it's causing veins I didn't even know I had to pop out.  I also have shoulder/neck muscle tone.  I'm not sure if I like that...it's not very feminine.  Overall, I'm happy with exercising and it's something I want to do and feel pretty bad if I miss a day.

I gave myself a pedicure this morning while waiting for it to warm up outside.  I'll take the kids out the play and wash my car.

I guess that's it for now.

Until next time...

Super duper fabulous week

This week has been pretty darn fantastic.

I've gotten to spend lots of time with BF and his son (three family nights this week!).  We also had our brief date night on Monday and BF will be coming over this evening.

I took off work on Wednesday because I had a child support conference.  I was so nervous because I hadn't seen X since October and I really didn't want to have to talk to him.  So while I was getting ready, I told God that I was putting it all in His hands.  I was going in there with the papers that I was required to get together and I wasn't going to try to sway the result in any way.

It went way better than I thought it would.  I didn't see X at all.  I don't know why.  I got there first and I was taken into a little room and the really nice lady who took the case informed me that he had filed to have the order transferred to MD, so that's why I was there, and she said she'd go run my numbers and then put his in when he arrived and see what happens.  When she came back in she said he was there, but he never came in and after we were finished, he had already left.

Not only did I not have to see him, the kids are also getting more than was originally ordered in PA even though I have a much higher income and X is still on unemployment!!

I don't know how that happened.  He also owes a good amount in arrears.

Nothing went the way I thought it would and that's a good thing.  It sure beats getting $4.02 per month.

So because that turned out so well, I have determined that I can likely move out on my own and know that I can still provide for the kids, even if I have to make sacrifices for myself.

I told this to BF and ever since he has talked about moving in together.

We had talked about this probably 2 months after we started dating when he first asked me about it and I told him that I don't believe in it.  It has to do with a lot of things: my religious beliefs, my values, my family, my kids, etc.  He seems to want to live together to determine if we would make it if we got married.

I told him that given what I know about his past and what I know about him now (which I think is a lot), if I feel like I need to live with him to feel like I can marry him, then I don't love or care about him enough to get married to him in the first place.  I'm sure there would be certain things that he does that would drive me crazy, but I am certain that he is a terrific guy and I love him more than I can explain and there is no little quirk or habit that he has that I wouldn't find out about until we lived together that would be a deal-breaker.

So anyway, I explained it to him again and he says he understands and he's just teasing, but he said it's something he thinks about on a daily basis.  I suppose that's a good thing.

In other news, I've been keeping up with my workouts.  It takes over an hour now to complete all five (abs, butt, pushups, legs, arms) and I do them any day I have some extra time, which ends up being just about every other day.  I made the mistake of weighing myself this morning...

I've gained 2.5 pounds in the last two weeks!!!!  Ahhhhh!!!  I wasn't expecting that, especially since my clothes are starting to fit better and I have a definable waist now.  I'm trying not to freak out about it and I keep reminding myself that muscle weighs more than fat and I've lost a bit of fat and I know I've gained some muscle.

I still haven't told BF that I've been doing it.  I know he'll tell me that I don't need to and then I might stop.  Or he'll think that he needs to start working out more because then I'll make him look bad (I think he needs to relax a bit more, to be honest...he's always buzzing around, wearing himself out).

I feel really accomplished when I've exercised and it gives me an adrenaline rush something.  It just feels good and I'm proud of myself for keeping it up for this long on my own.  Not to mention the health benefits.

Well, I suppose that's all for now.  Kiddos need lunch and I have lots of stuff to do before BF gets here in a few hours (yaaaaay)!

Until next time...

Closer

I was sitting at the kitchen table drinking my coffee, knowing I wanted to come by here and write.

So I plopped down in front of my computer and I'm drawing a blank!

Monday we did have a shorter date night.  It was a movie at his house, but it was still good to spend more time with him.  Actually, it was more like 1.25 movies.  The first one we started watching...I couldn't get past the language and raunchiness, so we switched to something else (thank goodness).

We had our family night on Wednesday and then another family night last night.  I think BF gets a lot out of those nights.  I do, too, but I get even more out of them knowing that it makes him feel really close to all of us when we get to spend that time together.  I feel like a family.  A real one.  A good one.  I honestly didn't think I'd feel that way about "family night".  It was more of a way to let the kids to get to know each other and have a play date and another excuse for me and BF to see each other.  It's truly unexpected and rewarding feeling.

I only have one problem with family night.  Well, it's not a bad problem, if that makes sense.  Every time we go out, a stranger says something that makes us feel awkward, not knowing they're even doing it.  It happened one of the first times BF and I went out alone and I think every time we've had a family night.  Someone always says how our kids are so well-behaved or our son or daughter is so cute.  Last night someone asked us where we live and referred to BF as DS's daddy.

When we go out alone, we've been mistaken for being married on more than one occasion.

It makes me feel like maybe we all look comfortable together.  Or maybe we all look good together.  Or maybe with the way I and BF handle the kids, we just look like your normal family...  Am I supposed to correct these people and let them in on just how disjointed our lives really are?  I don't feel like it's worth the time and discussion to explain it to someone we'll likely never see again.  I asked BF how he feels about it and he said it makes him feel pretty good and it doesn't bother him to let the people think what they want.

Going back to the subject of gratifying things...  The other night BF and I were talking on the phone like we usually do and he came up with a random question.  It thought it was kind of weird and silly, but for whatever reason letting him think out loud and bounce his thoughts off of me made me feel really close to him.  I got the same feeling a few months ago when we were discussing whether or not they have cows in China (I don't remember how in the world that came up) or a couple weeks ago when we were talking about the difference between moths and butterflies.  I've had the feeling other times, too, but those are the specific ones I remember.  I told him that I hope he always feels like he can talk to me like that, even if it seems like I think's kind of goofy or trivial.  I told him that it means a lot to me and I really enjoy it.  He says that he feels like he can talk to me about anything whether it's stuff like that, or his ex, or his past, or work, or whatever else.

I am so thankful for that and I think it's so important.

I suppose I'd better get going.  The kids are finally awake.  I think we'll spend some time outside this afternoon (I'm going to give my car a bath) and I need to file my taxes (nothing like waiting until the last minute!!).

Until next time...

Heeeee's back!!!!

I'm writing this as a draft in my personal e-mail before my shift starts.

BF is back!!! I survived the week! The first two or three days were sad. The next two or three were filled with lonliness and missing him more than I ever thought I could. The last two days were depressing. I felt like he'd never be back and the days were dragging on and on and I didn't feel like I got to talk to him all that much.

BUT...he made it home in time on Saturday to come with me to the church play and then spend a few hours with me after at home. And he came over yesterday for Easter dinner with my family. He's supposed to work late tonight, but we may still have a couple hours after he gets off for a little date.

He is such a great guy, I don't think he even realizes it. I still have a hard time believing he's real and sometimes I catch myself staring at him. Not because he's so good looking (which he is), but because I can't fathom how he would want to pursue someone like me. I don't know why in the world someone else didn't catch his eye or snatch him up first. I asked him that before I think his response was something about how he had dated before, but those other people weren't what he was looking for.

I referred to him as Mr. Perfect the other day and my mom told me not to call him that because there will be a day when he disappoints or hurts me. I am well aware of this. I had called him Mr. Perfect in comparison to X. I know there is going to be times when he frustrates me or says something that hurts my feelings or gets angry with me and it'll break my heart. But those things don't hold a candle to the rest of the goodness that is in him and as much as he has already done and the effort he has put forth just to make sure I know exactly how he feels about me.

I feel like I've said all this before. Oh well. I still wrap my head around it.

In other news, work is still going well. I processed almost 800 claims last week. I think it was 780-something. That's over 150 per day. One of the days I got through 180!

I am finally up to a healthy weight. According to my weight and height, I am no longer underweight. I am pretty happy about that, but also anxious because I have never been this size without being pregnant or having just had a baby. To prevent my weight going crazy high, I decided to download some free workout apps on my phone. Each one focuses on certain areas of the body. They don't require any kind of special equipment and each of the easy workouts take less than 10 minutes. I am still sore from Friday! I did two of the workouts on Saturday and I was still so tired from Friday that I couldn't complete all of the exercise for my arms. I'm quite happy that it's working. I didn't think it would.

I suppose that's all for now. I didn't get to write over the weekend because I was so busy getting ready for Easter.

Until next time...

Custody rant

I had come on here earlier today to go over my week like I did in the last entry...but I have so much running through my head that I can't even remember what I did this week.  I guess I could remember if I forced myself to, but I don't really like rehashing the whole week going day by day.

BF and his son left for Florida early this morning and won't be back until next Saturday.  I'm kicking myself because I could have gone with him to go meet his father and step-mother, but I decided not to go because it was a long time to be away from my kids.

I'm missing him so much, it's crazy.  Sometimes I find myself getting choked up because he would have been here with me this evening.  I don't think I've cried in months.  It feels foreign, and I didn't realize this would be so hard for me.

DD and DS keep asking if they can see him and I can't explain it to them in a way that they'll understand that they aren't even anywhere near here right now.

I feel kind of bad about it, to be honest.  X is trying to talk me into giving him more custody.  I replied to him last Sunday, saying that he can find a supervised visitation program in Maryland and get back to me.  He replied after I was already in bed with this really long response, saying that our children need to see their father and that DD had asked him about it and it's important for their development and he feels a duty, etc.

I probably shouldn't say this here in case he reads this, but it would mean more to me if he just plain said that he loves them and misses them and wants to spend time with them instead of this other supposedly professional-sounding mumbo-jumbo.

The supervisor right now has no right to base whether or not he's ready to have more custody based on one hour of good behavior every week.  I know that he has still been in contact with TOW at least up until recently.

And funny enough, neither of my children say anything about him when they're home.  They talk about BF and BFS.  Even if I ask them about their visit with their dad, they don't say much.  They talk more about the supervisor and the toys and I have to pry for what they did with him.

But they always ask about BF, especially DS.  They'll be at daycare, where BF has never even been, and ask if he's there.

Maybe it's my fault.  Other than spending time with them, I haven't tried to force any kind of relationship between my kids and BF.  I haven't discouraged my kids from talking about their father.  However, I don't talk about X around them, but I do talk about BF.

Besides his one hour per week, X makes no contact with his kids.  No cards or calls on their birthdays or holidays.  If I cancel a visit because they're sick, he doesn't ask me how they're doing.  He doesn't talk to them at all.

Is it my responsibility to make sure he does those things?  I thought if he wanted to do all that, then he'd do it.  Or at least that's what I'd do.

I know that if someone asked him about it, he'd say that I wouldn't let him talk to them.  Fact is, he hasn't even tried.  The only reason why I might not let him talk to them is if he turned it into an interrogation session with me like he has in the past.

In certain ways, it would make my life a little easier if he had them part of the time.  Even if it's just for one day a week.  But I can't justify to myself putting them in a situation where they wouldn't be properly cared for or loved.

Ugh, I didn't mean to go on a rant about that.

I'd better go.  The choir makes their debut under my direction in the morning and I need sleep.

If I can even fall asleep.  I miss BF too much.

Unhappy face.

Not-so-great week

Last week was one of the worst weeks I've had in a long time.

I thought it was going to be great because I was carpooling with BF for most of the week, which meant that I'd get to see him first thing in the morning and right after work, in additional to any time we had already planned to spend together.

Monday, my period started a day early.  I know that's no big deal, but when you're not expecting it, it kind of is.  It's been like clockwork for the last few months...so I kind of wasn't prepared.  I handled it okay, it just meant that I spent date night feeling crampy and rather miserable.

Tuesday, I took DS to urgent care because he was wheezing and had a really bad cough.  The nurse practitioner there gave him a breathing treatment, which seemed to help and prescribed a steroid for what she said was bronchiolitis and an antibiotic for an ear infection.  Then I had to rush to the pharmacy and try to pick up those prescriptions before the store closed, only to find out that the antibiotic wouldn't be available until the next day.

Wednesday, I called the pediatrician to schedule a follow-up appointment as I was instructed to do at urgent care and they wanted to see him right away.  Well, I had carpooled and couldn't leave, so my mom had to drag both kids to the doctor's office only to have the doctor say that DS doesn't have an ear infection and that he thought he has asthma.  The asthma was only in one lung, though, and he wouldn't say what he thought it was.  So he prescribed a breathing treatment and a nebulizer and also wanted me to keep the prescription for the antibiotic because if he has a little bit of pneumonia, it'll clear up with the medication.

My mother wound up driving all over creation to get the nebulizer and decided I could pick up the meds on the way home from work.

I stopped to pick up the meds only to find out that the doctor had forgotten to call in the prescription for the breathing treatment.  I did end up leaving with both prescriptions, but it took much longer than I thought it would.

We didn't have family night.

DS was doing pretty badly that night, so I called off work on Thursday so I could keep an eye on him and take him to the emergency room if I needed to.

Thankfully, the breathing treatment helped and there were no emergencies.  I did find out, however, that I'm allergic to albuterol sulfate.  When I hold him on my lap for the treatment, some of the vapors come in contact with my face and it causes my upper lip to swell up and my nose and throat to get itchy.

Thursday wasn't terribly bad, though, because BF called me on the way home from work and showed up at my house to say hi for a few minutes.  It was definitely a bright spot to my day.

That night, I was in the middle of a great choir practice (10 people showed up and they sounded great!) when X texted me about discussing our custody arrangement.  I knew it was coming, but no amount of thinking about it would prepare me for when he actually spoke up.

I still haven't replied because I didn't know what to do.  I think I will reply this afternoon.  He isn't going to like it.

Friday was rather uneventful, but I was in a foul mood because of the stressful week.

Yesterday was okay.  I accomplished a little bit at home and had some time to breathe and relax.  BF came over late in the afternoon and spent a few hours with us.  DS sat on his lap to do his treatment before bed.  BF was okay with it, so I went to clean up our dinner mess.  I could hear them talking to each other.  It was really sweet.

I feel like this entry is extremely disjointed, so I guess I'll end here.  I hope this week is better.  I knew the emotional high I've been on wouldn't last forever, but jeeze...when it rains, it pours.

Off to church to sing in the praise band!

Simply amazing

I have come back to gloat.  Or gush, rather.

I truly have the the most incredible boyfriend in the entire universe.

I was having a pretty crappy day yesterday.  I had a purse issue before I ever left for work and then when I got to work I discovered the the street I park on is going to be closed for road repairs next week and I have nowhere to park.  BF called me to talk for a few minutes my shift started, so I filled him in how the day just wasn't going well.

Then about 45 minutes before my lunch shift, he texted me to tell me that he had been thinking about me all the day (to which I replied that I had been thinking about him, too) and he suggested that we talk during lunch (which I said would be okay) and he asked me if I had plans (no, just eating).

I was pretty pleased...he doesn't usually call me during lunch on his day off, so it's a treat.

Less than 10 minutes before my lunch was supposed to start, he asked me what I had to eat (burritos).  I told him that I had meant to eat them a day or two before, but my aunt and cousin took me out to eat with them.

He then replied a few minutes later that he would be there to talk in about 5 minutes and that he didn't really like burritos, so can we go somewhere?

To which I replied, "Wait, what?"

I was so excited that he went way out of his way to come down there and have lunch with me as a surprise.  He said he had been sitting on the couch re-spooling his fishing rod and then decided he was going to go see me. We've done that before, but this was particularly special because we hadn't done it in a while and it was entirely unplanned.

Needless to say, I was on cloud nine for the rest of the day.  Forget about the other stuff I was worried about, this totally amazing guy who is interested in me for some reason drove an hour each way just to see me for an hour.

It's stuff like this that make it nearly impossible for me to keep my head out of the clouds and be rational.  I've never had someone treat me so well.  I don't know what to do with myself.  I even know that the guy who I almost started dating after my divorce was over wouldn't have given up his time to do that (he even put off talking to me on the phone one evening when I was upset about something because he was too busy doing laundry).  And one guy who I had one date with probably would have, but then I think he would have wanted to bed me later (and that is why he didn't get a second date!).

I feel so spoiled and I don't know what in the world I did to deserve someone so thoughtful and sweet.  Usually I end up feeling like I deserve better, but this time I'm feeling unworthy of BF.

Then he says cryptic things that I try not to read too much into because I don't want to disappoint myself.

The other morning I was telling him that I had told my cousin about a bad experience I recently had at a popular bridal shop and she took it upon herself to contact them and give them a piece of her mind regarding how I was treated.  I told him that I told her that I wish she wouldn't have and if I ever get married again, they just won't get my business.

Then he goes and says, "It's not a matter of if you get married again, it's a matter of when."

What do you say to that?  I think the most I could muster up was, "Okay."

It's getting more and more difficult to not daydream about where this could go.

In other news, I finally got the permanent tags for my car, so I am all done with that for two years.  I have spent so much money on that blasted car in the last month.  I like driving it, though.  BF says it's a good fit for me, which is kind of cool.  The only issue I have with it is that with the two car seats in the back, there isn't enough room for BFS to sit back there, so we still have to take my parents' van for family night or drive separately.  Maybe that will change when they're both in booster seats.

Last Monday I went to BF's family dinner with his ex's family.  It was weird and I was so nervous and awkward, but these people are like his family and it's obvious that they love him.  They've been asking me to come to various things pretty much since we started dating.  So I went because it knew it was important to him.  They are very affectionate people...I got so many hugs and kisses that I didn't know what to do.  I had already met his ex's parents, so that was two less people to meet.  But in total, there were 5 new children to meet and at least 8 new adults.  They were very accepting and they told him that they like me and they're more worried about what I think about them.  One of them told him that I'm a keeper.  I'm not sure how she came to that conclusion, but I'll take it.  So I guess it went well.  They want me to come to the next dinner and they want to meet my kids.

I think there was something else I wanted to talk about, but I can't remember now...so I shall close.

Thank you, God, for blessing me far beyond what I deserve or could even hope for!