Conflicted on this whole blog thing...

Long time, no see. Possibly never see again after this...in the blogging world, I mean.

I've been battling some crazy stuff this year. That seems to be the story of my life.

I've tried writing an update many times and wound up deleting it because it became too long and I wasn't even finished writing.

I don't think there is a way to make a long story short.

My children and husband are doing great. Work is going well. Things in general are wonderful and we are greatly blessed.

Back in March I went and archived all of the blog posts I had written about my ex. I didn't delete them, I just didn't want them to show up in regular reading anymore. It had been over 2 years since I had any contact with him and I genuinely thought it was a chapter in my life that was finally closed.  Wouldn't you know it...right after I did that, my ex popped back into the picture. He wanted to set up visitation again.

Before I even got into that I proposed the adoption idea. He completely ignored it. I guess that's better than getting cussed out.

We found a supervised visitation program and we were being cordial with one another.

While trying to figure out a schedule he must have thought that he wasn't going to get what he wanted (might I add that the program manager and I had agreed that what I was proposing was best for the kids, but it wasn't the final decision unless he agreed to it) and that is when things went downhill.

He was becoming more agitated via text message and I had my husband calling to tell me that his ex was coming to him with all these accusations about me and my family, refusing to reveal her source.

That was pretty stupid. You would think if he wanted to attack me through her he would at least choose some new material. I knew exactly who her source was because it was exactly the same things he was saying years ago when he was threatening to take it all to my church family. It was all untrue. Anything that had started out true (and innocent, for that matter) was twisted around so much that it was certainly a lie. She confirmed her source after not much time by sending Hubby screenshots of their conversation on Facebook messenger, which showed his picture. Brilliant, I tell you.

Fortunately Hubby and I had talked about all the tough stuff long before we got married. I'm positive if you can talk about the scary and difficult things openly from the start then you can easily recognize the lies later on.

I'm not sure what their goal was. Destroy our marriage? Find a reason to take away our children? I'm fairly certain that if I were any danger I would be the one who lost custody.

Fast forward to about 2 weeks later...I was being accused of actively cheating on my husband. They said they had documented proof. Funny enough, Hubby didn't receive any screenshots of that. I know if they had anything they would have sent it (and it would have been fake or belonged to someone else).

She said there were e-mails and blog posts from February. That's when I started feeling uncomfortable with keeping this blog. This is the only diary I keep. I haven't posted anything since January until now. Do I keep chugging along, pretending like what they say doesn't matter? Or I do lock myself up so I can't be read? Do I get rid of this thing and never write again? Do I really have to give them that power over me?

I still don't know the right answer. My mom told me I should journal. Hand-journaling takes entirely too much time. I did think about locking up this blog so I can journal, and I still may.

Hubby told his ex that he trusts me and she needs to stop. Things were quiet for a while. The kids have been seeing him for an hour per week rather consistently since June. About two weeks ago he started back up with talking to Hubby's ex. He was telling her the same things as before.

If they are trying to create a rift between us, it isn't working. We have trust for one another and a marriage that is centered around God and our relationship with Him. I am in a better place now than I have ever been in every possible way. It feels amazing. God has been tremendously amazing in our lives.

What is causing a rift in our marriage is that we don't see eye-to-eye when it comes down to how we handle this stuff. I say stand your ground...be firm. He says stay low...keep the peace however possible.

This is only a portion of what I have had to deal with.

I'm trying so hard just to let go and let God.

Distracting myself = Productiveness

So...

I think this is the first time sitting at my home computer and writing since I moved.

Everything else I've done is usually written on an e-mail draft or notepad page and then copied and posted on my phone or ipad.

The hubster is back from his trip.  I can't tell if he enjoyed his trip or not.  He keeps talking about it, but also says he's so glad to be home.  I didn't enjoy him not being here, but I sure did accomplish a lot.

He left Thursday night.  I think that was the first time he had ever seen me cry.  He wanted to know what I was so worried about.  I wasn't really worried about anything, I just didn't want him to leave.  The tears were uncontrollable.  I wound up crying myself to sleep that night and my eyes were swollen until after lunch break on Friday.

I worked on Friday and that evening my younger brother and his wife came over for dinner to keep me company.  They brought some adult beverages, which we enjoyed, and they left around 11 pm.  I cried again, but I didn't fall asleep that way.

Saturday I did all the laundry spent all day rearranging the cupboards in the kitchen.  It wasn't my plan for the day, but it sure was funny last night when he got home and went to get a drink and couldn't find the glasses.  I was cleaning off the countertops and moving things that I didn't like.  I moved the knife block and spice rack next to the stove and decided that the rest of the spices and cooking ingredients should be near the stove, too.  Out went the cups and mugs, in went the spices and such as well as measuring cups, mixing bowls and storage containers.  Cups went into where the spices were, while I decided the mugs should be near the coffee maker.  Out went the kids' dishes and other random things that were in there and in went the coffee mugs and water bottles that we don't use much.  Then I decided that the rest of the nicer dishes and wine glasses can go in the cupboard with the glass cups.  Out went those dishes and in went the kids' stuff.  Ta-da!

So it wasn't intentional. More of a domino effect.

Sunday we went to church and I had nursery duty (5 kids 2 and under in there...3 were under a year old).  I forgot to mention that BB's mother had him all this time, but she did let him return to church.  Yay!  We had an early dinner out with my parents, then I took a nap at their house and went home to clean while the kiddos spent the night at my parents' house.  I vacuumed the entire house, cleaned our bedroom, put away all the laundry, changed our sheets, washed all the dishes, took out the trash...I think that's it.

Who wouldn't want to go away on a trip with no running water, cooped up in a little cabin with 3 or 4 other men, not changing clothes or shaving for 5 days, and come home to a clean house?

I went to work on Monday and anxiously awaited the return of my husband.

He was good about sending me messages when he could and he called once or twice a day despite bad cell service.  I did cry at least a little every day.  I tried not to let on that I was upset whenever we hung up, but he told me he could hear it in my voice.

I tried to tell him that it would be so much easier if I didn't get upset like that.  I don't like feeling that way, but I can't help it.

He seemed truly happy to see me when he came through the door.  He dropped all his stuff right when got inside with a huge smile on his face and then gathered me up in his arms for big hug and a kiss.

Even though it makes me anxious to hear him talk about guns and shooting things (don't ask...I don't know why), I let him talk and talk and mull over things and watched him eat the leftover lasagna soup that he likes so much.

I thought I would sleep better last night, but I think I'd gotten used to the silence of the house and had trouble falling asleep.  I think I tossed and turned for over 2 hours.

Today is a snow day for me.  The kids are off school anyway, but I decided to err on the side of caution and stay home.  I'm glad I did.  Hubby went to work, though.  Because of his job, he doesn't know when he'll be home.

The psychologist called me to see if I wanted to try and make it in or reschedule.  So my first meeting with her has been postponed until I reschedule, hopefully for later this week.  I just need to muster up the nerve to call the office.

The kids are playing nicely and it's rather calm around here.

Time to go start on a crock pot dinner that I think Hubby will enjoy to the max!

Days 1-6 of 30 Days of Thankful

Rather than posting these on FB where the posts will quickly disappear or be buried amongst many of the same kinds of posts and probably ignored, I'll post my 30 Days of Thankful here.  I have 6 days of catching up to do.  I'm always thanking God for something, so this isn't the only time I recognized the reasons why I'm blessed, but I don't publicly display my thanks on a regular basis.

Day 1:  I'm thankful for Lord and Savior Jesus Christ.  I don't know where I'd be right now if He hadn't saved me.

Day 2:  I'm thankful for BB.  He is such a good kid with such a sweet disposition.  I'm glad he gets to spend the time with us that he does and I sometimes forget that I didn't carry him myself.  He's sometimes not such a good example for his step-siblings, but other times he is the perfect example. I think in some way his dad and I wouldn't be where we are today if it weren't for him.

Day 3:  I'm thankful for DD.  The first child I ever carried is the person who motivated me to fix my wreck of a life.  She's the reason I'm alive today and I don't think I'll ever be able to explain it to her.

Day 4:  I'm thankful for LB.  He is a blessing in another way.  If I didn't ever conceive him I wouldn't have ever known I was sick.  He's a follower with a tendency to back talk, but he has such a sweet spirit and is easily broken from misbehaving.

Day 5:  I'm thankful for my parents.  Despite turning my back on them in my first marriage they stepped up to protect me and give me and DD and eventually LB a place to stay.  They showed me what a God-centered marriage is supposed to be like.  They raised me in a stable Christian home and I wouldn't be who I am if it weren't for them.

Day 6:  I'm thankful for my job.  I feel like the powers that be have been extremely gracious since I started working there almost 2 1/2 years ago.  They gave me the chance to get back on my feet and recover from financial ruin.  They've trained me on things that I could use in the future.  I truly enjoy the work I do.

You are not him, this I know.

Yet again I'm ever so thankful for the fact that BF and I can discuss things. Had a rough couple of days due to conclusions being made based on assumptions.

The air has been cleared, things are back to normal...I think we both need to work on realizing that we not each others' exes. Clearly!

Everything happens for a reason

The apartment meeting went well.

I found the apartment complex online Friday evening through a famous website, clicked the link to send them an e-mail, then filled them in on my financial/credit/personal situation. I wasn't giving them a sob story, I just wanted to put all the details out there so I could get a straight answer and not waste my or their time. I got a call maybe 2 minutes later from the property manager and we set up an appointment to meet and run my application Saturday morning after a few basic questions.

This place looks like it would have been great for me and my little family. It allowed pets, it had a playground, it looked clean, it was older, but it looked safe and family-friendly.

So I went in there and the lady put in my information. By 2:30 that afternoon I had been 100% approved. I was amazed. My kids were excited. I was praying about it, asking to be shown that it is the right place for us and the right thing to do.

I was making a list yesterday of what I would need to buy before I moved in there and I decided to sit down and run my budget numbers again...they turned out differently than the last time I ran them. It just didn't have enough take-home pay. I think when I looked at it before, I was looking as my gross pay, which is much more. I could've still made it with the money I've saved already, but I wouldn't have had the ability to replenish my savings unless I received a significant raise at work. And actuallly, if I had been receiving full child support like I'm supposed to, I could've managed it, but I haven't received a full payment since it got switched over to MD.

So I had to contact the lady and tell her that I couldn't do it. I am so disappointed and embarrassed.

BF was being supportive of it and so was my mother (which I was surprised about). But I'm glad I caught the number error before I signed the lease.

I guess I'm making myself disappointed by not going through with it even though I know I could manage it, but I feel like I'm being more responsible. At least now I know that I am capable of being approved so that if something else happens to drop in my lap, I shouldn't have a problem regarding my credit.

I keep telling myself that everything happens for a reason and the budget error is a sign that it's not what I'm supposed to be doing or where I'm supposed to be right now.

I think I'll actually believe it one day.

You're a monster

I was essentially labeled an emotional monster by mother just now.

She thinks the birth control or BF has to go.

I don't think she can solely blame my moods on those two things.

There are a lot of factors playing into this.

Single mom
A toddler and a preschooler
Custody issues
Waking up before 4 am for work every week day
Dating another single parent
Living with my parents
Working full-time
Having trouble sleeping

Who knows what else.

I'm just plain exhausted all the time. I have no social life. I get chewed out about something every day. I have no privacy or freedom. BF and I have no alone time anymore.

But somehow it all boils down to those two things.

I'm not refilling my prescription this week.

I think all I really want is to be left alone for a little while.

And to have a good hard cry.

On a happier note...

Supervised visitation is no more.  Or at least the way we've been doing it, it's no more. The lady who has been supervising got pretty upset with X when he didn't show that week and after she called and left him numerous messages and never got to talk to him, she decided it had been long enough and that he's unmotivated and we're out of their jurisdiction now, so they weren't going to do it anymore.  She said that we're smart enough to figure something out on our own.

So last Monday was the last one.  I'm kind of glad that I got to take them up there for it because I had the opportunity to say goodbye and thank her for everything she did for us.

Guess how soon I heard from X about arranging something else?

...I'm still waiting to hear from him. That boggles BF's mind because he said if it were him, he would have called the next day, if not that same night. I've tried to explain to him that this is the way it has always been. I'm curious how long it will be before I do hear from him. Then I have the thought that maybe it's my responsibility to try to set things up. But my part of the situation is ideal. I don't want to change anything. So I keep telling myself that if he really wants to see them and he really wants something to change, then HE needs to initiate and reach out to make something happen.

I'll work with him. He knows this from our meeting a few weeks ago. But if he thinks I'll switch to unsupervised, he's lost his mind.

Regarding those last few entries again...

BF and I talked a lot about stuff last night and some time during the week we talked about the whole engagement/marriage thing. I tried to put my feelings in a way that he would understand by saying it's like if I were to agree to move in with him and say I was doing things to get ready to move it, but not telling him what I'm doing. Then keep saying the same things over and over...yes, I'm getting ready to move in, I just can't do it yet...there are things holding me up, but I'm working on them. No visible evidence that would show that I'm actually doing something about it, just what I say. Then 6 months go by and I still haven't moved in. I know he would be really frustrated and hound me about what's taking so long or he would think I'm lying and I really don't want to move in at all.

I think he finally got it and hasn't brought up anything since.

And while I complain a lot (these blogs I keep tend to be for venting, since I feel like I have no one to talk to about these things), I do love him dearly. I get frustrated and a little emotionally hurt, but I still can't imagine spending my life with anyone else. And the hurt and frustration are nothing compared to the other good feelings I have the rest of the time.

And if I spend the rest of my life dating him, I'm okay with that. I don't think I've ever been this happy in my entire life.  Well, besides the days my children were born. I was so happy I cried on those days. But as a whole, even having been through what I have been through and not being in an ideal living situation, I'm so happy with BF and BFS and my kiddos and I don't want to lose any of it if it meant that I would lose any of them.

So if he wants to propose, he will do it when he's ready to.

Until that happens, I will continue to enjoy what we do have because it is amazing and I wouldn't trade it for the world.

Consistently inconsistent

I should get extra points for being consistently inconsistent. As much as I want to update on a regular basis, I never do. I think about it a couple times per week, but I don't feel like I have anything important enough to say.

The same feelings I had in the last real entry I wrote are still there. Not the borderline mental, medication-induced feelings that I didn't realize were affecting others.

People keep asking me about when I'm going to get engaged.  I just shrug my shoulders or throw my hands up in the air or just give them the good ol' "I don't know".

I almost feel like this is a form of emotional torture.

Nearly every day there's mention of living together, "When we get married...", "things will be changing soon...", questions of what kind of wedding I'd want, etc.

As far as I'm concerned, there's no wedding to plan for. No house to look for. For me, it's IF we get married.

I feel like a spoiled brat, getting in a bad mood because it hasn't happened yet and he's making me hope for it so badly.

He says in his head we're already married. I think I've mentioned that before. The reality is, again, that we are not. We're not even on the road to getting married.

This has been going on for months now.

My mom mentioned the other night that she thought for sure it would have happened before the new year. She thinks he's just afraid. He and I have talked about it before and he says he's not.

The thing is, it's been so long of hearing it that I'm starting to not believe him.

My first thought when he says how much he misses me or how much he wishes we were living together already or he can't wait until the day we are married is "Yeah, right".

That's not normal.  *frowny face*

Actions speak louder than words...and all there is is words.  Lots of them.  Lots of the same words. Sounds coming out of his mouth.

I've told him that I don't believe him sometimes.

I don't know who is the one who is abnormal, here.  Me or him. It has me frustrated to the point of tears. I feel like I'm doing something wrong.

I thought if someone wanted something that badly, they would get it as soon as they could. I also thought that men typically kept these things to themselves until the day it happens...I mean, I have prior experience with that part.

I'm just going to take a moment...  p98y t4 saeu,sam4 m,.tmn,zdf.vbmc qer

I feel a little better now.

In other news, my kids are 3 and 5 years old now.  I had some nice cuddle time with DD before she went to bed this evening. They are both jigsaw puzzle lovers and are constantly putting them together. They also play really well together and it's cute to hear them pretending to play house. They also know how to fight like professionals.

There have been some custody/visitation issues. My mom won't take the kids to visitation anymore, so I have to start leaving work early every Monday. So no more date night for me and BF. X has been bad about making it to visitation.  He has cancelled quite a bit over the last couple of months and the last scheduled one, he didn't even show. The people who supervise want to close our case. I did meet up with him outside of normal visitation so he could see the kids and give them birthday/Christmas gifts. BF came with me, of course. That was a little uncomfortable.

BF wants to talk now, so I guess I'll close. Maybe I'll write more tomorrow...probably not.

Talk talk talk it over

Well, we ended up talking about it tonight. I guess he felt my bad mood and I was taking it out on him and I didn't realize how bad it was.

If any of that made sense.

I feel a little better after talking, he says he feels better, too.

I decided to look up the side-effects of the medications I'm on. A possible side effect of prednisone is depression. I've had these feelings for weeks now (about the words words words), but didn't feel like this until the day after I took my first 3-pill dose of the steroid.

So just like that other birth control I was on, no prednisone. I'll finish out this bottle I have because it's already tapering off, but there has to be an alternative if I ever need it again...if it's even working.

I don't feel like myself and it's making me think the crazy thoughts again.

I'm not blaming it on the medication entirely. Like I said, I already had my frustrations. But I didn't treat my boyfriend like crap over it until now.

Follow-up appointment with my primary care on Monday. Maybe I can do something about it then. Otherwise, I have to make it to Thursday.

I don't know if I'll even be able to stand myself for that long.

Sad face.

I'm sorry, BF.

Stop feeding me blah blah blah

I've been sick for 3 weeks now. I finally went to the doctor on Wednesday and was diagnosed with bronchitis and eventually some kind of strep. On top of that I think I had the worst sinus infection I've ever had and the antibiotic they put me on got rid of that in 24 hours, but I still feel the pain sometimes. They also put me on prednisone and gave me an inhaler for my coughing attacks.

I don't know if it's the meds or being sick for so long or maybe I'm just frustrated with things in general, but I have been in some foul mood...especially when it comes to BF.

He is just all talk talk talk but no action. What is that song by Ke$ha? "Blah blah blah blahblahblah blah blah Comin' outcha mouth witcha blah blah blah..."

There are so many things he says and then doesn't follow through. Or he puts it into some code that I'm figuring out on my own. Like, "I'll see what I can do..." or "I don't think..." or "I'll try" means that it's not going to happen. He just doesn't want to flat out tell me so.  Instead, he gets my hopes up and even though now I know what it means, I still hope.  I mean, for goodness sake...just tell me so I can get past the disappointment and move on to something else.

He said that he doesn't come have lunch with me on Fridays anymore all the time because he doesn't want me to get used to it. Nope, he doesn't come at all now and hasn't since last spring. If you don't want to come anymore, just say so! Don't try to pretty it up and make it seem like you're trying to do something good or special when you have no intention of doing it at all. I just get disappointed every single Friday because there's that tiny glimmer of hope that maybe he'll actually do it this time. I usually don't hear from him at all on Fridays. Maybe at 8:30 in the morning, then after that -- nothing.

"I'm never too busy for you."
"If I were there right now, I'd go out of my way to see you."
"I'll have to make sure I stop by and see you."

But he is too busy.
But when he is around, he doesn't go out of his way to see me.
And he doesn't stop by and see me.

He says he wants to marry me. He talks about it constantly. He won't tell me his plan. He told me some of the things that are holding things up...things that are petty and I don't care about and he knows this.  I feel like they're excuses to put it off. And that's fine. Just stop talking about it, please.

The sad thing is, I've already discussed these things with him and how it makes me feel, but it doesn't stop.

And my mother, in a conversation we had a few weeks ago about something else, said that I can't get on him about this stuff because then he'll stop talking to me about anything.

So what am I supposed to do?

I find myself on the verge of tears because all of this stuff gradually builds up and it's especially difficult when he asks me what's wrong and I feel like I can't talk to him about it because I don't want to be a nag.

I can feel myself putting my walls back up.

I'm so tired of being fed words, words, and more words just because he thinks it's what I want to hear. I just want the truth, even if it's hurts a little. At least the hurt and disappointment is over quickly instead of being dragged out for weeks and months.

Maybe I'm just being immature about the whole thing.

/end venting session

As someone who cares

Well...so far, so good on the pill front.  I've only been on the new one for about 2 full weeks, but I feel pretty normal.  I haven't had any irrational thoughts and I'm not breaking out too badly.  The doctor/nurse said it would take a few months to become accustomed to it, but I'm pretty happy with them right now.

X has been asking to discuss with me over the last few months the situation with the kids.  Between taking 24+ hours to reply or replying when I'm already in bed, it would go up to two months before he'd mention anything again.  So couple weeks ago we finally "discussed" the situation and got nowhere.  He told me before that nothing that is in the current custody order is an issue anymore, which I know is not the case.  I know he and TOW (who, from now on will be known as XW) are together and that they're expecting a child at the end of the month.  I alluded the fact that I know more than he thinks I know and that his dishonesty and lack of good judgment are huge issues for me.  He made it seem like I was referring to divorce issues and basically told me that anything that needed to be discussed couldn't be done outside of a courtroom.

So I'm waiting for something from the court.

If he thinks for a second that I'm willingly going to let him take my children around someone who is abusive, he is out of his mind.  It's bad enough that he's putting himself in that situation (and soon his newborn son) and if that's what he wants to do, I don't care, but why in the world would he want to subject his kids to that?  Even if she didn't do anything to them, it's bad enough if they see them fighting or abusing each other.

I truly do just want to protect them.  They are healthy and they are happy and in no way am I punishing them like he says I am.  And I don't know how he thinks he can take them out to do things when he can't even pay his child support and he has another kid on the way who he will have to support and care for as well.

I'll just have to wait and see what happens.

Things with BF seem to be going well, still.  I had a few days where I was feeling a bit dejected by him and Monday we had a heart to heart about it.  I hadn't said anything to him about it because I was trying to figure out if it was something that I was supposed to be upset about or if I was being unreasonable.  We had watched a movie about a couple that had been engaged for 5 years and things got really bad over that period of time.  After the movie was over he was asking me if I was having doubts about him and all the stuff on my mind came out.

The bad thing was that I had no solution for anything I said.  They were just feelings I had and I still had no clue what to make of them.

The good thing was that he listened.  He listened!  Oh my gosh, I can't even begin to tell you how nice it was to be able to talk to someone like that not have the blame immediately placed on me or to be told that I'm being ridiculous.  He said that my feelings are my feelings and I shouldn't feel bad for what I feel.  He tried to talk it out with me and has since made an effort to try and fix things, even though we don't even know if those things are really a problem or even the root of the problem.

Just talking about it made me feel better.  Now that I'm writing, I think the problem may have been that I felt like he just didn't or wouldn't care.  The things he did added to the things he said (and those things probably shouldn't have been added together) just didn't send out a good message and I didn't think he would care how I felt or even want to talk about it.

But he did care and he did want to talk.

Words can't describe how much I appreciate that and how much it makes me adore him even more.  Thinking about it gets me a little choked up.

Yeah, I have no doubts.  I don't know for certain what the future holds, but I do know that he is a truly good man and I am so blessed for having him in my life.

Now I can't stop smiling!

One year already?!

Tomorrow it will be one year since my divorce was finalized.

Time flies when you're having fun, right?!

I can't believe it's been that long already, yet sometimes it feels like it should be the third year.

I was trying to remember where I was at this point last year.  I don't mean physically. I didn't write but one entry last August and then the next was in November after I had already met BF and started falling for him.

I think this time last year I was anxious for it to be over, not knowing the emotional roller-coaster that was coming.  I thought I knew what I was going to do.  I thought I knew who I was going to date.  I had everything planned out in my head until the day I found out that it was all over (which wasn't until September 2 or 3, I don't think).  I was excited, but confused.  I realized that they guy I thought I was going to date wasn't who I wanted to date.  I told him that I didn't think he was in a place where he should be dating (he spent most of our talks telling me why he was such a bad person instead of trying to convince me that he was a great person and ready to be who he wanted to be).  But I also realized that I needed some time to be truly alone.

I don't think I've talked to that guy since.  He sent me a message this past January and I didn't reply...it was weird.  He was trying to explain how he couldn't explain his behavior and that he hoped we could be friends again and that he was dating someone and saw I was dating someone and that he's happy for the both of us.  He also said that it would be his last communication with me until he heard from me.  So I decided to leave well enough alone.

Anyway, I feel like that whole other mess was directing me to where I am now: successful at my job, mother of two healthy and happy children, loved by a gentle giant.

That's the best way I can describe him.  Gentle giant.  I never in a million years would have predicted that this good-looking 6'3" man would have such a big heart, be such a good dad, be capable of loving the way he does, be adored by my kids and return the adoration, be more ticklish than I am, or fall for someone like me.

I should probably save stuff like that for my entry at our 1 year dating mark.

I feel like I'm right where I'm supposed to be.  Things seem to be moving at a reasonable pace.

As terrible and mind-numbing as it was, I'm thankful for all the things I had to deal with for those 8 years.  I'll still be dealing with it to some extent for the next 15 years, but I have someone who says he will stand by me through it all.

I'll say it again: God has been so good to me.

I survived

Well, I finally realized that certain things didn't work on that last template I used.  I tried to change to something else, but blogger wouldn't accept the code.  So I'll just stick to a pre-made one already on here that I know will work.

I survived the reunion weekend!  We left Friday right after work and drove up to Pittsburgh.  BFS is a good traveler.  Anyway, after some traffic and nearly going to the wrong hotel, we finally got to our destination at about 10:30 pm.  I met his dad and step-mom that evening.  It was pretty brief, so shortly thereafter we retired to our rooms and went to bed.

Next day we had brunch with his parents and then headed to the reunion.  BF said there would only be 30 or so people there, but I think it was more like 50!  He didn't really know anyone, so we pal-ed around together the entire time and spent some more time talking to his parents (thus, I got to know them a bit better).

There was lots of stuff to do there.  There was fishing, horseshoes and some other games, horsey rides for the kids, lots of food and drinks...and there was more, but for the life of me, I can't remember what it is.  BFS had a mental checklist of things he wanted to do while he was there.  It was kind of cute and I'm pretty sure he did all of it.

After that, we had dinner/dessert with his parents and then retired to bed.

Sunday, we had breakfast with his parents and then headed home.  BF had to drop BFS off with his ex, then he came back over for game night with my parents.

He said that his parents like me and they both have the same good feeling about me.  That is such a hugely humongous-ly gigantic relief!  I liked them, too.  They were very nice and welcoming and I enjoyed talking to them.  They told me that they expected me to come down and visit with BF and BFS if they come down during the winter (ahhhhh!!!).

Even though we spent just about every second of 48 hours together, I felt like it had just been another trip to work.  I don't know if that made sense.  It didn't feel like we actually saw each other as much as we did.  Maybe it's because we were so busy the entire time.  He said he felt the same way.  I don't know if that's a good or bad thing.  I guess it's good...it's better than feeling like the weekend dragged on and we got sick of each other.

We've actually seen each other every day for over two weeks now.  And not just for 5 minutes.  I just doesn't feel like that much.

Last night we went to a local baseball game together (our team won and they had fantastic fireworks afterwards!) and today it feels like I didn't even see him.

He's been talking about wedding stuff and houses lately.  He showed me a house that he wants in WV and he wanted to know if I liked it.  I am so close to grabbing his face in my hands and making him look me in the eye while I tell him, "You're thinking about this all out of order!!!!!"

I can't make him propose, but I feel like that needs to happen before I even toy with the idea of anything else.

And funny enough, he was talking about a cruise wedding and yesterday I get something in the mail for the first time from a major cruise line.

All of this is still so exciting and scary and somehow depressing.

Oh well.

In other news, I've been keeping up with my walking/running.  I ran before work yesterday and one of my feet went numb.  I googled it and it looks like when people have this problem it because of their shoes or socks.  I haven't tightened the laces on my shoes since I got them and I know they're broken in by now.  So I hope it's just because it was already 80 degrees outside so my feet probably swelled a little and my sock had gotten messed up.

I'm being beckoned by my mother.  Later!

Time is ticking away

I have been so incredibly tired lately.  It started last week and it has slowly gotten worse and worse.  I think I'm just not catching up on my sleep.  I get 6 hours or less of sleep on week nights and 2 sleep in days on the weekend, but I'm up late for one of those nights...and I'm up late on Monday.

I turn 28 next Thursday.  Ugh...I can't believe I'm that old.  BF had me take off one day next week so we can do something for my birthday, but he won't tell me what we'll be doing.  With the little bit of information he gave me, I have an idea of what I think it is, but I'm not telling!

His birthday is a little over 2 weeks later and I have no idea what to do.  I'm getting pretty anxious about it.  I don't know if my mom will keep letting me take a day off work and the kids, especially since less than a week after his birthday, I'll be gone for one or two nights for that reunion.

The reunion is less than a month away now.  Ahhhhh!

And his mom is pressuring him about meeting me and I think that will be happening soon.  Ahhhhh!

He's moving with G-ma as of next Saturday.  I'm not going into how she's related to him.  It's too messy and some people will probably think it's kind of weird because they don't know the kind of relationship he has with that family.  He said it's because he wants to save money for what it's our time.

I don't know exactly what he means.  I don't know if he means saving for a ring, or a down payment on a house, or something else I'm missing.

He did say he has a plan, though he didn't tell me what the plan is.  All he told me is that G-ma keeps asking him when we're going to get hitched and he told her that he wanted to date me for at least a year.  Our first date was at the end of October...that's not that far away.

I do feel a little better knowing that there's more time, though.  I freak myself out thinking about these things.

I hate being afraid to make a commitment like that again.  I have no doubt that I would be happy with him for the rest of my life.  We are compatible in more ways than not, I think, and in the ways we're different, we complete each other.

That sounds really cheesy.

But I can't help but wonder if the things that have come up to make us take things slowly maybe aren't there to force or remind us to take our time, but maybe to make sure we never get there because it's not supposed to happen?

Or my worst fear is that it finally sinks in that I'm not as great as he thinks I am.

I know this is anxiety talking.  I'm thankful for this 4 month or so buffer I still have to get my brain in gear so I can stop worrying so much.

My mom keeps saying that I need to get him saved before anything happens because that's what God wants.  I'm struggling with it.

I think it's kind of hypocritical because she married my dad when he wasn't saved but she was.

He knows how important that part of my life is to me.  He knows that's why I won't live with him now or why I think it's so important to save sex for marriage.  He came to a few Bible studies with me and actually enjoyed it.  We had good conversation about the lessons and we've even had discussions about things on our own and I know it has had him thinking.  He's on the right path in his life...he has the right heart, it's obvious.

But to tell him that he has to be a Christian before we can take that next step...I feel like I'd be trying to force him into doing something that he isn't ready to do or maybe doesn't want to.  I don't want him to do something just to get what he wants or because he thinks it'll make me happy.  If he's going to do that, it needs to be because it's what he's led to do.  I feel like the most I can do is reiterate how important my relationship with God is to me and to ask that he just support me in it the best that he can and whatever happens, happens.

Is that wrong?

We still have who knows how long before the next step is taken, if it even happens and anything can happen in that amount of time.

Oh how I wish I had all the answers.

Commitment issues

I'm kinda not liking springtime.

I got all comfy and cozy in the routine BF and I had gotten into with spending time with each other and our kids.  Now that the weather is nicer, we're seeing each other less just because more things are coming up.

I knew that was going to happen, but I wasn't mentally prepared for it...especially since we had been able to see each other a lot more in the past few weeks.

This weekend he's on a two night bachelor-party-camping trip.

I didn't even know there was such a thing, but I guess a bachelor party can be anything you want it to be, I guess.  This is the world of people who actually like to spend time outdoors.

I have to give him lots of credit, though.  He was texting me a bit last night and called twice.  And since he's off work on Sunday, he made it sound like he's going to make every effort to get home early enough to clean up and come with me to church.

I am not used to this.  I've known him for 7 months or so and I still don't expect him to be so thoughtful or try so hard.  And now that I think about it, it's really not trying at all...it should be something that someone would want to do for someone they care about.

He and X are so entirely different and I can't help comparing them.  In my head I keep thinking that he's going to act the way X did, but he doesn't.  He never does and for that I am thankful.

Like, X would have left on this trip (if he were really going where he said he would be going) and I wouldn't have heard a peep from him until the trip was over unless I contacted him first, which would have been a disaster because he would accuse me of checking up on him.  And I guarantee you he wouldn't be going out of his way without my asking to come with me to church.

I'm figuring out that the majority of men do not act like X.   I wish I could make myself remember that all the time, especially when it comes to BF.

BF also make comments on a daily basis on how he can't wait until I am his all the time and we can say good night every night in person instead of over the phone.  He says that I am the love of his life and he will love me for the rest of his life.

Well, the feeling is definitely mutual and I daydream about a future with him constantly.  However, I am still thankful for the things that prevent us from being able to rush our way to that point and force us to think about and discuss things well in advance.

And I'm still terrified that he's going to wake up on morning (whether we're living together or not) and suddenly realize that I'm not all that he thinks I am.  I mean, I've been 100% me this entire time.  He knows lots of unappealing things about me and he knows the good things about me.  I'm pretty sure he actually knows who I am and not what he thinks I am.  But I still can't grasp what makes him so drawn to me.  The last thing I want is for us to get married and have him realize this and then feel like he's stuck.

Of course, I think he worries about the same thing, only it'll be me coming to this realization about him.

I wonder if those kinds of thoughts are normal.

In other news, work is going pretty well.  The kids are healthy and seem to be happy, but they've been fighting a lot lately.  DS has packed on some weight in the last couple of weeks and has become a little chubber.

I've been keeping up with my exercising.  My weight's been sticking between 106 and 110, which I am happy about, and I think that fluctuation just has to do with where I am in my cycle.  My mom noticed that my legs are becoming rather shapely.  I have never in my life had shapely legs!!  My arms are definitely toned and it's causing veins I didn't even know I had to pop out.  I also have shoulder/neck muscle tone.  I'm not sure if I like that...it's not very feminine.  Overall, I'm happy with exercising and it's something I want to do and feel pretty bad if I miss a day.

I gave myself a pedicure this morning while waiting for it to warm up outside.  I'll take the kids out the play and wash my car.

I guess that's it for now.

Until next time...

Closer

I was sitting at the kitchen table drinking my coffee, knowing I wanted to come by here and write.

So I plopped down in front of my computer and I'm drawing a blank!

Monday we did have a shorter date night.  It was a movie at his house, but it was still good to spend more time with him.  Actually, it was more like 1.25 movies.  The first one we started watching...I couldn't get past the language and raunchiness, so we switched to something else (thank goodness).

We had our family night on Wednesday and then another family night last night.  I think BF gets a lot out of those nights.  I do, too, but I get even more out of them knowing that it makes him feel really close to all of us when we get to spend that time together.  I feel like a family.  A real one.  A good one.  I honestly didn't think I'd feel that way about "family night".  It was more of a way to let the kids to get to know each other and have a play date and another excuse for me and BF to see each other.  It's truly unexpected and rewarding feeling.

I only have one problem with family night.  Well, it's not a bad problem, if that makes sense.  Every time we go out, a stranger says something that makes us feel awkward, not knowing they're even doing it.  It happened one of the first times BF and I went out alone and I think every time we've had a family night.  Someone always says how our kids are so well-behaved or our son or daughter is so cute.  Last night someone asked us where we live and referred to BF as DS's daddy.

When we go out alone, we've been mistaken for being married on more than one occasion.

It makes me feel like maybe we all look comfortable together.  Or maybe we all look good together.  Or maybe with the way I and BF handle the kids, we just look like your normal family...  Am I supposed to correct these people and let them in on just how disjointed our lives really are?  I don't feel like it's worth the time and discussion to explain it to someone we'll likely never see again.  I asked BF how he feels about it and he said it makes him feel pretty good and it doesn't bother him to let the people think what they want.

Going back to the subject of gratifying things...  The other night BF and I were talking on the phone like we usually do and he came up with a random question.  It thought it was kind of weird and silly, but for whatever reason letting him think out loud and bounce his thoughts off of me made me feel really close to him.  I got the same feeling a few months ago when we were discussing whether or not they have cows in China (I don't remember how in the world that came up) or a couple weeks ago when we were talking about the difference between moths and butterflies.  I've had the feeling other times, too, but those are the specific ones I remember.  I told him that I hope he always feels like he can talk to me like that, even if it seems like I think's kind of goofy or trivial.  I told him that it means a lot to me and I really enjoy it.  He says that he feels like he can talk to me about anything whether it's stuff like that, or his ex, or his past, or work, or whatever else.

I am so thankful for that and I think it's so important.

I suppose I'd better get going.  The kids are finally awake.  I think we'll spend some time outside this afternoon (I'm going to give my car a bath) and I need to file my taxes (nothing like waiting until the last minute!!).

Until next time...

Custody rant

I had come on here earlier today to go over my week like I did in the last entry...but I have so much running through my head that I can't even remember what I did this week.  I guess I could remember if I forced myself to, but I don't really like rehashing the whole week going day by day.

BF and his son left for Florida early this morning and won't be back until next Saturday.  I'm kicking myself because I could have gone with him to go meet his father and step-mother, but I decided not to go because it was a long time to be away from my kids.

I'm missing him so much, it's crazy.  Sometimes I find myself getting choked up because he would have been here with me this evening.  I don't think I've cried in months.  It feels foreign, and I didn't realize this would be so hard for me.

DD and DS keep asking if they can see him and I can't explain it to them in a way that they'll understand that they aren't even anywhere near here right now.

I feel kind of bad about it, to be honest.  X is trying to talk me into giving him more custody.  I replied to him last Sunday, saying that he can find a supervised visitation program in Maryland and get back to me.  He replied after I was already in bed with this really long response, saying that our children need to see their father and that DD had asked him about it and it's important for their development and he feels a duty, etc.

I probably shouldn't say this here in case he reads this, but it would mean more to me if he just plain said that he loves them and misses them and wants to spend time with them instead of this other supposedly professional-sounding mumbo-jumbo.

The supervisor right now has no right to base whether or not he's ready to have more custody based on one hour of good behavior every week.  I know that he has still been in contact with TOW at least up until recently.

And funny enough, neither of my children say anything about him when they're home.  They talk about BF and BFS.  Even if I ask them about their visit with their dad, they don't say much.  They talk more about the supervisor and the toys and I have to pry for what they did with him.

But they always ask about BF, especially DS.  They'll be at daycare, where BF has never even been, and ask if he's there.

Maybe it's my fault.  Other than spending time with them, I haven't tried to force any kind of relationship between my kids and BF.  I haven't discouraged my kids from talking about their father.  However, I don't talk about X around them, but I do talk about BF.

Besides his one hour per week, X makes no contact with his kids.  No cards or calls on their birthdays or holidays.  If I cancel a visit because they're sick, he doesn't ask me how they're doing.  He doesn't talk to them at all.

Is it my responsibility to make sure he does those things?  I thought if he wanted to do all that, then he'd do it.  Or at least that's what I'd do.

I know that if someone asked him about it, he'd say that I wouldn't let him talk to them.  Fact is, he hasn't even tried.  The only reason why I might not let him talk to them is if he turned it into an interrogation session with me like he has in the past.

In certain ways, it would make my life a little easier if he had them part of the time.  Even if it's just for one day a week.  But I can't justify to myself putting them in a situation where they wouldn't be properly cared for or loved.

Ugh, I didn't mean to go on a rant about that.

I'd better go.  The choir makes their debut under my direction in the morning and I need sleep.

If I can even fall asleep.  I miss BF too much.

Unhappy face.

Not-so-great week

Last week was one of the worst weeks I've had in a long time.

I thought it was going to be great because I was carpooling with BF for most of the week, which meant that I'd get to see him first thing in the morning and right after work, in additional to any time we had already planned to spend together.

Monday, my period started a day early.  I know that's no big deal, but when you're not expecting it, it kind of is.  It's been like clockwork for the last few months...so I kind of wasn't prepared.  I handled it okay, it just meant that I spent date night feeling crampy and rather miserable.

Tuesday, I took DS to urgent care because he was wheezing and had a really bad cough.  The nurse practitioner there gave him a breathing treatment, which seemed to help and prescribed a steroid for what she said was bronchiolitis and an antibiotic for an ear infection.  Then I had to rush to the pharmacy and try to pick up those prescriptions before the store closed, only to find out that the antibiotic wouldn't be available until the next day.

Wednesday, I called the pediatrician to schedule a follow-up appointment as I was instructed to do at urgent care and they wanted to see him right away.  Well, I had carpooled and couldn't leave, so my mom had to drag both kids to the doctor's office only to have the doctor say that DS doesn't have an ear infection and that he thought he has asthma.  The asthma was only in one lung, though, and he wouldn't say what he thought it was.  So he prescribed a breathing treatment and a nebulizer and also wanted me to keep the prescription for the antibiotic because if he has a little bit of pneumonia, it'll clear up with the medication.

My mother wound up driving all over creation to get the nebulizer and decided I could pick up the meds on the way home from work.

I stopped to pick up the meds only to find out that the doctor had forgotten to call in the prescription for the breathing treatment.  I did end up leaving with both prescriptions, but it took much longer than I thought it would.

We didn't have family night.

DS was doing pretty badly that night, so I called off work on Thursday so I could keep an eye on him and take him to the emergency room if I needed to.

Thankfully, the breathing treatment helped and there were no emergencies.  I did find out, however, that I'm allergic to albuterol sulfate.  When I hold him on my lap for the treatment, some of the vapors come in contact with my face and it causes my upper lip to swell up and my nose and throat to get itchy.

Thursday wasn't terribly bad, though, because BF called me on the way home from work and showed up at my house to say hi for a few minutes.  It was definitely a bright spot to my day.

That night, I was in the middle of a great choir practice (10 people showed up and they sounded great!) when X texted me about discussing our custody arrangement.  I knew it was coming, but no amount of thinking about it would prepare me for when he actually spoke up.

I still haven't replied because I didn't know what to do.  I think I will reply this afternoon.  He isn't going to like it.

Friday was rather uneventful, but I was in a foul mood because of the stressful week.

Yesterday was okay.  I accomplished a little bit at home and had some time to breathe and relax.  BF came over late in the afternoon and spent a few hours with us.  DS sat on his lap to do his treatment before bed.  BF was okay with it, so I went to clean up our dinner mess.  I could hear them talking to each other.  It was really sweet.

I feel like this entry is extremely disjointed, so I guess I'll end here.  I hope this week is better.  I knew the emotional high I've been on wouldn't last forever, but jeeze...when it rains, it pours.

Off to church to sing in the praise band!

Inexplicable magnetism

Well, things are still going well for yours truly.

Mind you, there are still some speed bumps I'm going to run into, but for once I feel like I can take them on without panicking.

BF has been especially...I don't know the word. Adoring? Loving? Those still aren't adequate enough to describe just how into me he has been.

The feeling is mutual, though. I used to think that pheromones were a load of hooey, but it's the only explanation I have for this...this...ahhh I can't think of the right now. Not attraction to each other. I mean, we are definitely attracted to each other, but there is something drawing me to him that I can't even begin to explain.

It may be all the little things he does to make me feel so loved by him. I don't think that's even what he's trying to do. It's calling me in the morning before work, even on his day off. It's picking up my favorite treat just because he saw it on the shelf. It's kissing me on the hand when we're in the car together. It's saying my name after he tells me he loves me. It's having little inside jokes that we can laugh about. It's feeling like I can truly be myself and knowing he loves me for it and still thinks I'm perfect.

Like, the other day he sent me a text message to tell me that he was going to get his "alumaniminum". I said it out loud to myself and started to giggle. He said he did, too.  We had just been talking about words like that a few days before.  Something about that moment just made me feel especially close to him and I thought my heart was going to burst.

It was the silliest thing and looking back on it now, I don't even know why it made me feel that way, but it did.

I'm really afraid that this is just a crush. For either of us. I have never had feelings like this for someone and it baffles me every day. The feelings grow more and more every day, even when I feel like they possibly couldn't.

I remember when I first learned about the Five Love Languages and finding out what my love language was. I thought it wouldn't take anything to fill my "love tank" and I thought X was filling it just fine, when he wasn't being mean.

But BF he keeps my love tank overflowing and it's not because he has to go out of his way to do it.  It's just the way he is.

I daydream about our future. Then I have to remind myself that we've only been a couple for 4 months. When we were talking the other night, he was telling me that I may be questioned by some people for his background check at work that they do every 5 years.  He was saying that they ask questions for things about what he was doing up to 7 years ago. I told him that I don't really know that much about what he was doing back then that's when it hit us how long it feels like we've known each other compared to how long we actually have.

It's so weird.

I could talk about this forever and ever.  Heh.

In other news, I have some court stuff coming up regarding child support. I wish I could tell them that I don't want anything to do with him or child support. It's just one more thing for me to think about.  If he's unemployed, he can't pay anything anyway. I do think he should support his kids, but I don't think he cares all that much. And if things progress with BF like I think they will, I won't need it.

I think something is going to come up with custody, too.  I haven't heard anything official yet. That's the one speed bump I don't want to have to go over.

The kids are doing well.  We all seem to have some sort of head cold or allergies going on.  DS is learning to test the limits of whomever is watching them and DD seems to be growing out of her phase of throwing massive tantrums.

I have regained use of my car! I just need to take it in and get the real tags a registration next week. Then it's all squared away and I don't have to worry about it anymore!! It feels good to drive it again, though there are still some bad memories tied to it and there are dead bugs all over it. But it's mine and it makes me feel like I'm one step closer to gaining complete control over my life.

Well, I supposed that's it.  I need to go accomplish some things.

Here's to a fabulous weekend!

Life is almost perfect

So it's been a while...

I haven't posted since November because I haven't had my computer on since November!

It has been kind of liberating, not getting sucked into this thing for 2.5+ months.  I accomplished more at home, spent more time with my kids, got back into reading, spent a lot of time talking to and seeing my boyfriend.

Boyfriend.  It still feels weird to say that.

I've been trying to write this entry for 2 weeks now...or at least since I posted on FB how blessed I feel and someone requested more info.

Things are going well, I think.  My boyfriend (from now on known as BF) and I are still going strong.  We see each other at least 3 times per week and talk every work morning and every night.  Mondays are date nights.  Wednesdays are "family nights", where we get together and take our children somewhere fun.  And Saturday nights have been spent together at my house after he drops his son (now known as BFS) off with his mother or grandmother.

BFS seems to be warming up to me a bit.  He used to not look at or speak to me, but now sometimes he calls me by my name and asks me questions or tells me things.  He and my kids get along pretty well, too, I think.

DD and DS really like BF.  Nearly every day, all day, DS asks, [BF] here?"  They're always excited to see him and he is so good with them.  He helps me get them strapped in their car seats when we go out, and he'll hold DD's hand when my arms are full with DS, and when I can't keep up with both of them he'll seek out DS and carry him so I can chase after DD.  And I didn't ask him to do any of it.

About 3 weeks ago, he was over on a Saturday and I was getting the kids in bed.  DD was saying her good nights and told BF that she loves him.  I froze because I didn't expect her to say that and I didn't know how BF or my parents would rake it.  But they acted as if it was a normal thing and everything was fine.  BF told me later that he thought it was sweet.

I knew she been feeling that way, so I wasn't shocked.  A few weeks prior she was telling me how much she likes BF and his son and she said, "I hope they love me, too."  That made me feel really good.  It's pretty cool to see them develop some sort of natural bond (I don't know what else to call it).  I haven't pushed for any of it to happen...it just seems to be going along just fine on its own.

BF and I shared our first "I love you"s when we got together to ring in the new year.  He says I'm his best friend.  We share all kinds of things with each other without judgment.  He trusted me enough to tell me about his rough past and I've been able to open up to him about some tough subjects.  It feels so good to have this kind of relationship with someone.  It's still so new to me.  There is so much trust and openness and love.  And people can see it.

Words can't describe how much I care about this man.  I can see us being together for a very long time.  Apparently a lot of other people can, too.  My mother has brought up marriage multiple times.  My dad brought it up to my mom.  My future SIL brought it up last Sunday, as did my Pastor's wife.

He and I have never sat down and discussed it, though he has dropped hints more than once that it's something he would like to eventually happen.

It shocks me a bit that my mom, of all people, would suggest it already.  She's the one who pounded it into my head not to settle for the next guy who came along.  It means a lot to me that she likes him, though.  She has told me numerous times how she and everyone else tried to warn me about X, but I wouldn't listen.  So now I'm listening intently and all she's saying is, "Let's get this man saved so you two can get married!"

There are some things going on in our lives that keep us from seeing each other as much as we want to (like kids/custody, for one), thus making it more difficult to proceed to the next step, if that's what is supposed to happen.  We both wonder what would have happened if we had met a long time ago.  I think we were both completely different people back then and I'm fairly certain it wouldn't have gone anywhere, or it would have gone badly.

He always tells me that everything happens for a reason.  I believe that, too.  And I think having kids (and whatever else comes up) keeps us grounded and forces us to pace ourselves.  I don't want to rush into anything.  There is too much at stake.  I'm quite thankful for having things that make us have to slow down and think things through.

And quite frankly, the thought of marriage scares me now.  I know I can commit.  That is not the issue.  It's the fear of making a mistake again.  I know my feelings for him are real and completely different from anything I have ever felt.  But I can't guarantee that his won't change for me.

In other news...

Things have been great at work.  I was promoted midway through December to processing claims.  And then just this week I found out that I received a generous raise! That's 2 raises and 1 promotion in just over 8 months of employment.  I didn't even know that was possible and I certainly didn't expect the second raise because I didn't think my 6 month review went as well as it should have.  So I feel quite blessed and now I feel like I need to work harder!

I am now directing the choir at my church.  It's kind of messy how I got there, but we have had two rehearsals and a limited group of people, but I think it's going well.  I was really nervous with the first practice.  But this last one is the one I think was really good.  We're practicing "It Is Well With My Soul".  Last week we went over the different parts.  This week we reviewed the parts and then added in dynamics.

At one point I was so moved that I couldn't even sing anymore!  It was so powerful and it just got to me.  The best thing is that I feel like no one is trying to outshine anyone else.  Even though there was only one soprano (and me, when I chimed in) and one tenor, I didn't hear specific people.  I heard one voice.  One beautiful sound!  I could tell by how everyone was smiling afterwards, they heard and felt it, too.  I think we can do great things and I'm really excited to see how it goes.

Well, I suppose that's it for now.  I'm done writing a novel.  I have a bit of stuff to accomplish before BF comes over in a couple hours.

I hope to write again much sooner next time!