Tomorrow it will be one year since my divorce was finalized.
Time flies when you're having fun, right?!
I can't believe it's been that long already, yet sometimes it feels like it should be the third year.
I was trying to remember where I was at this point last year. I don't mean physically. I didn't write but one entry last August and then the next was in November after I had already met BF and started falling for him.
I think this time last year I was anxious for it to be over, not knowing the emotional roller-coaster that was coming. I thought I knew what I was going to do. I thought I knew who I was going to date. I had everything planned out in my head until the day I found out that it was all over (which wasn't until September 2 or 3, I don't think). I was excited, but confused. I realized that they guy I thought I was going to date wasn't who I wanted to date. I told him that I didn't think he was in a place where he should be dating (he spent most of our talks telling me why he was such a bad person instead of trying to convince me that he was a great person and ready to be who he wanted to be). But I also realized that I needed some time to be truly alone.
I don't think I've talked to that guy since. He sent me a message this past January and I didn't reply...it was weird. He was trying to explain how he couldn't explain his behavior and that he hoped we could be friends again and that he was dating someone and saw I was dating someone and that he's happy for the both of us. He also said that it would be his last communication with me until he heard from me. So I decided to leave well enough alone.
Anyway, I feel like that whole other mess was directing me to where I am now: successful at my job, mother of two healthy and happy children, loved by a gentle giant.
That's the best way I can describe him. Gentle giant. I never in a million years would have predicted that this good-looking 6'3" man would have such a big heart, be such a good dad, be capable of loving the way he does, be adored by my kids and return the adoration, be more ticklish than I am, or fall for someone like me.
I should probably save stuff like that for my entry at our 1 year dating mark.
I feel like I'm right where I'm supposed to be. Things seem to be moving at a reasonable pace.
As terrible and mind-numbing as it was, I'm thankful for all the things I had to deal with for those 8 years. I'll still be dealing with it to some extent for the next 15 years, but I have someone who says he will stand by me through it all.
I'll say it again: God has been so good to me.
Wednesday, August 29, 2012
Friday, August 24, 2012
Friday, August 17, 2012
Picking nits
So BF and I kind of hit a tiny rough patch yesterday.
I think it's the first time I've ever been truly upset with him. And it's not that he did anything wrong...he formed an opinion based on ignorance and I found it offensive. I didn't want to write out what it was, but I don't feel like I can express it properly without it.
It was two things.
The first actually came up weeks ago, but the subject was dropped and I rehashed it yesterday, against my better judgment.
Depression. He says depression is something people make up out of convenience or to somehow get what they want. Depressed? Fix what's making you depressed!
Right. Easy, coming from someone who has never dealt with depression. I told him that some people don't know why they are depressed. You can't fix it if you don't know what is broken. I told him that I don't have a source for my anxiety attacks at times, so other than breathing through it, I can't fix anything. My depression was situational. Yes, I could've fixed it much sooner, but it wasn't going to be easy no matter what I did. And I told him that when I did fix my situation, it didn't just suddenly go away. I think it took a year for the depression to fully pass and even then I still had down moments where it felt like everything in my world was crashing down...and rightfully so, I think. I do think that it's better to try to work through it and do what you can before resorting to treating it with medication, but sometimes I think people don't have another option.
I told him that he needs to be careful who he says that to because he knows nothing about it or what it's like and it's very insensitive.
The second issue that came up (it was actually the very first issue that came up yesterday) is something else that he knows nothing about. He had seen a video of someone who had suffered some kind of injury and doctors said that he would never walk again, but with a lot of persistence and work, he does walk again. That's an amazing thing. A miracle. But to BF, it just proves that anyone who doesn't fully recover from their injury just didn't try hard enough. They gave up.
I 100% disagree. I had a small taste of being paralyzed with both c-sections that I had. They gave me a spinal block and I couldn't move or feel anything from my chest all the way down to my toes. I wasn't allow to see my newborn baby until I could roll my legs back and forth and bend my knees. I had every motivation to move my legs and I wanted to so badly and I was trying so hard, but as long that spinal block hadn't worn off, my nerves were as good as dead and I wasn't going to move. It was exhausting. It took 2.5-3 hours after the birth for me to have enough progress to get to see my baby.
I also told him that from the surgery itself, I have no sensation on my skin from my c-section scar up to my belly button because my nerves were severed and didn't heal properly. No amount of willpower or wishful thinking is going to make me be able to suddenly feel something touching me in that area again.
And that's minor. Someone has a brain, neck or back injury. Someone has some kind of surgery that requires nerve regeneration in order to heal properly and have full range of motion and sensation back. Unless your body is healing the way it's supposed to, there may be nothing that can be done to fix it so it's as if nothing had ever happened. I think there are cases where you can heal just enough that you can make it, but I don't think everyone is so fortunate.
I told him that with his logic, his marriage didn't work because he didn't try hard enough. Same with mine. I told him that with his way of thinking, it means that anyone who was in the same kind of situation as his mother (her full recovery from the heart attack) and didn't recover like she did didn't try hard enough to keep breathing.
I told him that he needs to go up to the guy as his work who lost 3 of his fingers in an accident and now can hardly move his thumb and index finger and tell him that he's not trying hard enough. See if he says, "You're right! I'm going to go work on that right now!"
Maybe I'm just being overly sensitive, but I thought he was being completely insensitive and he's entitled to his opinion, but maybe he needs to word it better...because the way he said it made him seem like a huge jerk. And I know he's not a jerk.
So that put me in a crappy mood after having a pretty good day.
Then, I get a couple texts from him between 7 and 8 o'clock last night (and one a little after 8, but I didn't see it for some reason), which is fine. He got his boat put back together and he's going to test it out. That's great. Come 9:30, I'm exhausted and I lay down in bed and fall asleep. 10:50, he asks me if I'm still up, to which I reply that I had been sleeping. He wants to talk. Okay.
He said that he had been at his best friend's house talking to his best friend's wife and he kept trying to leave, but she wouldn't stop talking.
Normally, I'd be a bit suspicious about something like that, but I have no reason not to trust him and I don't think he would've called me and volunteered that information if he was up to no good.
She had texted him when we were on the way home from work, asking him if she could talk to him about her husband, who is his best friend and who is also across the country right now. I told him that if he talks to her, it needs to be over the phone. He said it would be.
He said that they did talk on the phone, but I guess because he had been over in that vicinity because of testing out the boat, he decided to talk to her in person while her two kids and his son played.
I told him that given the fact that her husband is out of town and they're having marriage problems, that was a bad move on his part. It doesn't matter if there were kids there. If she says the wrong thing or her husband finds out much later that they had gotten together to discuss him while he was gone, it's going to look bad, even if they did just talk.
So I was annoyed about that and now he's getting sucked into that situation whether he likes it or not. I was annoyed that he gave me a hard time that I didn't initiate talking to him before I fell asleep and that he talk so late when he knew I had to get up early for work the next morning (and I didn't go back to sleep until about midnight). I was still trying to get un-annoyed about the the earlier conversation.
He has BFS all weekend, which means that we probably won't see much of each other. I'm thinking this is good. I need time to regroup and get my brain back in order, that way if he wants to revisit any of these things I'm of a new mindset and maybe we'll get along better.
That doesn't mean I won't miss him, though.
To end this on a good note, I was informed on Wednesday that I got another raise. I've been working there for 14 months and in that time I've gotten 3 raises and a promotion and my managers said that I'm doing a wonderful job and they could only wish that all newer trainees did as well as I do.
For once in my life, I feel proud of myself and I think I deserve it. God is so good.
I think it's the first time I've ever been truly upset with him. And it's not that he did anything wrong...he formed an opinion based on ignorance and I found it offensive. I didn't want to write out what it was, but I don't feel like I can express it properly without it.
It was two things.
The first actually came up weeks ago, but the subject was dropped and I rehashed it yesterday, against my better judgment.
Depression. He says depression is something people make up out of convenience or to somehow get what they want. Depressed? Fix what's making you depressed!
Right. Easy, coming from someone who has never dealt with depression. I told him that some people don't know why they are depressed. You can't fix it if you don't know what is broken. I told him that I don't have a source for my anxiety attacks at times, so other than breathing through it, I can't fix anything. My depression was situational. Yes, I could've fixed it much sooner, but it wasn't going to be easy no matter what I did. And I told him that when I did fix my situation, it didn't just suddenly go away. I think it took a year for the depression to fully pass and even then I still had down moments where it felt like everything in my world was crashing down...and rightfully so, I think. I do think that it's better to try to work through it and do what you can before resorting to treating it with medication, but sometimes I think people don't have another option.
I told him that he needs to be careful who he says that to because he knows nothing about it or what it's like and it's very insensitive.
The second issue that came up (it was actually the very first issue that came up yesterday) is something else that he knows nothing about. He had seen a video of someone who had suffered some kind of injury and doctors said that he would never walk again, but with a lot of persistence and work, he does walk again. That's an amazing thing. A miracle. But to BF, it just proves that anyone who doesn't fully recover from their injury just didn't try hard enough. They gave up.
I 100% disagree. I had a small taste of being paralyzed with both c-sections that I had. They gave me a spinal block and I couldn't move or feel anything from my chest all the way down to my toes. I wasn't allow to see my newborn baby until I could roll my legs back and forth and bend my knees. I had every motivation to move my legs and I wanted to so badly and I was trying so hard, but as long that spinal block hadn't worn off, my nerves were as good as dead and I wasn't going to move. It was exhausting. It took 2.5-3 hours after the birth for me to have enough progress to get to see my baby.
I also told him that from the surgery itself, I have no sensation on my skin from my c-section scar up to my belly button because my nerves were severed and didn't heal properly. No amount of willpower or wishful thinking is going to make me be able to suddenly feel something touching me in that area again.
And that's minor. Someone has a brain, neck or back injury. Someone has some kind of surgery that requires nerve regeneration in order to heal properly and have full range of motion and sensation back. Unless your body is healing the way it's supposed to, there may be nothing that can be done to fix it so it's as if nothing had ever happened. I think there are cases where you can heal just enough that you can make it, but I don't think everyone is so fortunate.
I told him that with his logic, his marriage didn't work because he didn't try hard enough. Same with mine. I told him that with his way of thinking, it means that anyone who was in the same kind of situation as his mother (her full recovery from the heart attack) and didn't recover like she did didn't try hard enough to keep breathing.
I told him that he needs to go up to the guy as his work who lost 3 of his fingers in an accident and now can hardly move his thumb and index finger and tell him that he's not trying hard enough. See if he says, "You're right! I'm going to go work on that right now!"
Maybe I'm just being overly sensitive, but I thought he was being completely insensitive and he's entitled to his opinion, but maybe he needs to word it better...because the way he said it made him seem like a huge jerk. And I know he's not a jerk.
So that put me in a crappy mood after having a pretty good day.
Then, I get a couple texts from him between 7 and 8 o'clock last night (and one a little after 8, but I didn't see it for some reason), which is fine. He got his boat put back together and he's going to test it out. That's great. Come 9:30, I'm exhausted and I lay down in bed and fall asleep. 10:50, he asks me if I'm still up, to which I reply that I had been sleeping. He wants to talk. Okay.
He said that he had been at his best friend's house talking to his best friend's wife and he kept trying to leave, but she wouldn't stop talking.
Normally, I'd be a bit suspicious about something like that, but I have no reason not to trust him and I don't think he would've called me and volunteered that information if he was up to no good.
She had texted him when we were on the way home from work, asking him if she could talk to him about her husband, who is his best friend and who is also across the country right now. I told him that if he talks to her, it needs to be over the phone. He said it would be.
He said that they did talk on the phone, but I guess because he had been over in that vicinity because of testing out the boat, he decided to talk to her in person while her two kids and his son played.
I told him that given the fact that her husband is out of town and they're having marriage problems, that was a bad move on his part. It doesn't matter if there were kids there. If she says the wrong thing or her husband finds out much later that they had gotten together to discuss him while he was gone, it's going to look bad, even if they did just talk.
So I was annoyed about that and now he's getting sucked into that situation whether he likes it or not. I was annoyed that he gave me a hard time that I didn't initiate talking to him before I fell asleep and that he talk so late when he knew I had to get up early for work the next morning (and I didn't go back to sleep until about midnight). I was still trying to get un-annoyed about the the earlier conversation.
He has BFS all weekend, which means that we probably won't see much of each other. I'm thinking this is good. I need time to regroup and get my brain back in order, that way if he wants to revisit any of these things I'm of a new mindset and maybe we'll get along better.
That doesn't mean I won't miss him, though.
To end this on a good note, I was informed on Wednesday that I got another raise. I've been working there for 14 months and in that time I've gotten 3 raises and a promotion and my managers said that I'm doing a wonderful job and they could only wish that all newer trainees did as well as I do.
For once in my life, I feel proud of myself and I think I deserve it. God is so good.
Tuesday, August 14, 2012
Whew
Well, he says he talked to her today when she called him to chew him out and he says he thinks he smoothed things over. He said he pretty much told her the same thing I said earlier in here that I'm not replacing anyone. He also said that they want me to come and that he's not the one inviting me over.
So I guess I don't have to worry about it for now.
Thank goodness.
So I guess I don't have to worry about it for now.
Thank goodness.
Between a rock and a hard place
I don't know what to do.
Last night was family dinner with BF's ex-in-laws. I started going to these things in March, so last night was my 6th dinner, or 6 months of attendance. So this is nothing new to anyone, or at least it shouldn't be.
After dinner was over and everyone left, BF and I went downstairs to watch a movie. Not far into the movie, his ex starts sending him text messages and I know it's her because he set her number up with a unique ringtone.
I saw enough of the message to know that she was furious that I went to the dinner (and she knew about the very first one I went to because she blew up at him then, too). She said that we can both go to hell and he'd better not bring me around her.
He didn't know I saw, I don't think, so I asked him what it was about and he wouldn't tell me. He kept trying to direct my attention to the movie and I kept pressing until he told me what I already knew: that she was angry.
She sent more texts, but I didn't see them and he looked at them to clear the notification off of his phone and then ignored it.
I don't know why she's getting upset now...unless she's been doing this all along and he hasn't told me. She lives with her aunt who has been to every dinner I've attended except one. BFS comes with her aunt for the dinner and then comes back home with her, so I'm sure either one of those two have let her know every time I've been there.
The only think I can think of is that the aunt may have told her that one of her nephews called me BFS's mom...who I have never claimed or tried to be. I think he's only 4 years old and from what I heard, she hasn't been around in 2 years. He didn't know any better and I don't know if his mother corrected him or not.
Is this confusing yet?
It doesn't help that the ex's mother kept talking about how I should have come with them to the beach and she's already pressuring me to go next year (she was even interrogating me about the leave I earn at work).
I can understand how BF's ex would be upset. I would be too. But I'm not convinced that I'm doing anything wrong. I'm not trying to replace her as someone's daughter or granddaughter or aunt or mother. The only space I've filled is the love-interest spot in BF's life, which I don't think she even cares about.
Part of me wants to just stop going to the dinners. There's a reunion type thing coming up in September that I would need to miss, too.
But I know they will all take it personally if I stop coming. BF will have it easier, too, because he won't get the nasty texts anymore...at least not about that. I'm sure it'll be easier for BFS, too, somehow. At the same time, I won't be giving BF the support that he wants when he goes to these things and he may stop going himself and lose whatever relationship he has left with them (which really isn't my responsibility, I don't think).
On the other hand, if I keep going, BF gets that support and everyone else keeps doing what they're doing...but the harassment continues and I don't know how far that will go and what will happen to BF or BFS as a result.
Those two are the people who I care most about in all this. I don't see a winning situation regardless of what I do.
I feel like I'm just making everything so complicated.
I need to talk to BF about this, but I know he'll say the contacts from her don't bother him and I shouldn't change anything, but I'm pretty sure they do.
I hope I'm just making a mountain out of a mole hill. Maybe she just had a bad day yesterday.
Or maybe I really am doing the wrong thing.
Last night was family dinner with BF's ex-in-laws. I started going to these things in March, so last night was my 6th dinner, or 6 months of attendance. So this is nothing new to anyone, or at least it shouldn't be.
After dinner was over and everyone left, BF and I went downstairs to watch a movie. Not far into the movie, his ex starts sending him text messages and I know it's her because he set her number up with a unique ringtone.
I saw enough of the message to know that she was furious that I went to the dinner (and she knew about the very first one I went to because she blew up at him then, too). She said that we can both go to hell and he'd better not bring me around her.
He didn't know I saw, I don't think, so I asked him what it was about and he wouldn't tell me. He kept trying to direct my attention to the movie and I kept pressing until he told me what I already knew: that she was angry.
She sent more texts, but I didn't see them and he looked at them to clear the notification off of his phone and then ignored it.
I don't know why she's getting upset now...unless she's been doing this all along and he hasn't told me. She lives with her aunt who has been to every dinner I've attended except one. BFS comes with her aunt for the dinner and then comes back home with her, so I'm sure either one of those two have let her know every time I've been there.
The only think I can think of is that the aunt may have told her that one of her nephews called me BFS's mom...who I have never claimed or tried to be. I think he's only 4 years old and from what I heard, she hasn't been around in 2 years. He didn't know any better and I don't know if his mother corrected him or not.
Is this confusing yet?
It doesn't help that the ex's mother kept talking about how I should have come with them to the beach and she's already pressuring me to go next year (she was even interrogating me about the leave I earn at work).
I can understand how BF's ex would be upset. I would be too. But I'm not convinced that I'm doing anything wrong. I'm not trying to replace her as someone's daughter or granddaughter or aunt or mother. The only space I've filled is the love-interest spot in BF's life, which I don't think she even cares about.
Part of me wants to just stop going to the dinners. There's a reunion type thing coming up in September that I would need to miss, too.
But I know they will all take it personally if I stop coming. BF will have it easier, too, because he won't get the nasty texts anymore...at least not about that. I'm sure it'll be easier for BFS, too, somehow. At the same time, I won't be giving BF the support that he wants when he goes to these things and he may stop going himself and lose whatever relationship he has left with them (which really isn't my responsibility, I don't think).
On the other hand, if I keep going, BF gets that support and everyone else keeps doing what they're doing...but the harassment continues and I don't know how far that will go and what will happen to BF or BFS as a result.
Those two are the people who I care most about in all this. I don't see a winning situation regardless of what I do.
I feel like I'm just making everything so complicated.
I need to talk to BF about this, but I know he'll say the contacts from her don't bother him and I shouldn't change anything, but I'm pretty sure they do.
I hope I'm just making a mountain out of a mole hill. Maybe she just had a bad day yesterday.
Or maybe I really am doing the wrong thing.
Monday, August 13, 2012
Busy bee
The last two weeks have been rather hectic.
Two weeks ago on Monday I had to leave work a few hours early because BF and I had carpooled and his mother had a heart attack. My first time "meeting" her was when she was in the ER and sedated. I didn't think that was how she would want me to see her for the first time, but BF wanted me there with him. She's home now and still healing, but it looks like she will be making a full recovery, which is a miracle. She had blood clots in both lungs and had stopped breathing. The doctor didn't know how much brain damage she had...which turns out to be none!
Despite his mother being ill, he still wanted to do our date night that night, so we got lunch at a local coffee shop and hiked up to MD He1ghts and took some nice pictures up there. It was a pretty intense hike, which I think would have been worse if I hadn't been doing my walking. He brought up weddings and houses again and I think I kind of squashed his ideas about those...first I told him that cruise weddings are really expensive and then I told him that I don't really like discussing those things yet because I feel like that other step needs to happen first.
He hasn't said anything about those things since then.
Then we went back to Gma's house where there was a telescope and we gazed at the nearly full moon (which was pretty darn cool). I wish my birthday idea for him had worked out. I think he would have loved it.
I don't recall if I ever said what I had planned to do. My plan was on August 5th to take him to a nearby university that has an observatory that is open to the public 2 days per month. They have a short lecture and then observation time with what I assume to be huge telescopes. Unfortunately, I realized that my parents would be out of town about a week before we were supposed to do it and then the next time I would've been able to do it probably would have been in September, which would be about 2 months after his birthday. So I baked him a cake that he thought was absolutely delicious (it was german chocolate cake soaked with caramel and sweetened condensed milk and covered in whipped cream and crunched up heath bars...I didn't have any because I don't like coconut!). Then after the getting lost fiasco during the reunion weekend, I got him a gps, which he also liked and found humorous.
So a few days after date night, my parents left for TN to go visit my brother and his wife. At least I think it was a few days later...all of this stuff is starting to run together. I had to get the kids up for daycare before 5 am to get them to daycare, which meant that I had to get up at 3:30 am. All of us were exhausted. On the plus side, BF made an effort to spend time with us every night. It was nice to have someone else there for company. I made these little peanut butter cup cheesecake things Friday night, which BF loved. Saturday we all piled in his car (BFS, too) and went to the Balt1more aquarium. It didn't all go quite as we had planned, but we did get to go into the aquarium eventually. DD didn't seem like she could've cared less. BFS liked it, I think, and DS wanted to look at every exhibit. I liked it, too, except it was so crowded and I couldn't squeeze through all the people to look at stuff with the kids. It was a rough week, energy-wise. I didn't do any walking or running because I don't think I would have survived. Needless to say, my production at work was pretty low, I think. I hope if a manager is worried about it, they'll ask me why or at least talk to me about it.
This past weekend, BF and BFS went to the beach with his ex-in-laws. He invited me and the kids to come along, which I declined. Of course I was kicking myself for not going because I missed him like crazy and he told me to remind him the next time he decides to go away for a weekend without me how much he misses me when he does that.
You'd think Florida would be easy enough to remember.
Anyway, he came over early yesterday after he got home and we spent a good 6 hours together, which was nice.
And I think that's it!
Initiate abrupt ending.
Two weeks ago on Monday I had to leave work a few hours early because BF and I had carpooled and his mother had a heart attack. My first time "meeting" her was when she was in the ER and sedated. I didn't think that was how she would want me to see her for the first time, but BF wanted me there with him. She's home now and still healing, but it looks like she will be making a full recovery, which is a miracle. She had blood clots in both lungs and had stopped breathing. The doctor didn't know how much brain damage she had...which turns out to be none!
Despite his mother being ill, he still wanted to do our date night that night, so we got lunch at a local coffee shop and hiked up to MD He1ghts and took some nice pictures up there. It was a pretty intense hike, which I think would have been worse if I hadn't been doing my walking. He brought up weddings and houses again and I think I kind of squashed his ideas about those...first I told him that cruise weddings are really expensive and then I told him that I don't really like discussing those things yet because I feel like that other step needs to happen first.
He hasn't said anything about those things since then.
Then we went back to Gma's house where there was a telescope and we gazed at the nearly full moon (which was pretty darn cool). I wish my birthday idea for him had worked out. I think he would have loved it.
I don't recall if I ever said what I had planned to do. My plan was on August 5th to take him to a nearby university that has an observatory that is open to the public 2 days per month. They have a short lecture and then observation time with what I assume to be huge telescopes. Unfortunately, I realized that my parents would be out of town about a week before we were supposed to do it and then the next time I would've been able to do it probably would have been in September, which would be about 2 months after his birthday. So I baked him a cake that he thought was absolutely delicious (it was german chocolate cake soaked with caramel and sweetened condensed milk and covered in whipped cream and crunched up heath bars...I didn't have any because I don't like coconut!). Then after the getting lost fiasco during the reunion weekend, I got him a gps, which he also liked and found humorous.
So a few days after date night, my parents left for TN to go visit my brother and his wife. At least I think it was a few days later...all of this stuff is starting to run together. I had to get the kids up for daycare before 5 am to get them to daycare, which meant that I had to get up at 3:30 am. All of us were exhausted. On the plus side, BF made an effort to spend time with us every night. It was nice to have someone else there for company. I made these little peanut butter cup cheesecake things Friday night, which BF loved. Saturday we all piled in his car (BFS, too) and went to the Balt1more aquarium. It didn't all go quite as we had planned, but we did get to go into the aquarium eventually. DD didn't seem like she could've cared less. BFS liked it, I think, and DS wanted to look at every exhibit. I liked it, too, except it was so crowded and I couldn't squeeze through all the people to look at stuff with the kids. It was a rough week, energy-wise. I didn't do any walking or running because I don't think I would have survived. Needless to say, my production at work was pretty low, I think. I hope if a manager is worried about it, they'll ask me why or at least talk to me about it.
This past weekend, BF and BFS went to the beach with his ex-in-laws. He invited me and the kids to come along, which I declined. Of course I was kicking myself for not going because I missed him like crazy and he told me to remind him the next time he decides to go away for a weekend without me how much he misses me when he does that.
You'd think Florida would be easy enough to remember.
Anyway, he came over early yesterday after he got home and we spent a good 6 hours together, which was nice.
And I think that's it!
Initiate abrupt ending.
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