Sick and tired if being ill and tired

I haven't slept worth beans in about 4 days.  I had a scratchy throat and woke up with a full-blown awful cold on Thursday.  I called in sick on Friday because I felt like crap and couldn't sleep due to non-stop coughing.  It's been that way every since.  Lots of coughing, little to no sleep unless I nap during the day.

Like I said, I called off work on Friday.  Hubby took the kids to daycare and I napped as much as I could until the kids got home around 3:30.

That night there was a trunk-or-treat event at the elementary school.  My plan was to help the kids get made up for it and then let Hubby take them.  He said I couldn't miss it, though, because it was a neat first time thing for all of us and I needed to be there to experience it.  It was neat, but it was cold and I think it may have been too much for me.  On the plus side, then kiddos had their picture taken and should be in the local paper.

Hubby got up really early Saturday morning to go hunting (ugh), so I was left with the kids until he got home, which I think was around 2 pm.  I am fortunate to be able to say that the kids were well-behaved and SS was especially helpful, so I could nap and take it easy until he got home.

Sunday I stayed home from church because I still felt bad.  Besides, when I dropped the kids off for Sunday School in the morning no one would let me come inside because of how bad I sounded, and when I came to pick them up after a few hours everyone who saw me would make an 'x' with their pointer fingers and back up.

It's not like I have the plague...for goodness sake.

Even my parents wanted to pick the kids up from my house so I didn't come over to theirs.  While my mom made it seem like it was so I could rest more, it felt more like they just didn't want me to infect everyone.

It ended up being pretty nice because Hubby and I got over 24 hours of alone time.

Yesterday we had the parent-teacher conferences early in the morning.  With the way they were scheduled I was able to attend the one for SS and Hubby attended the one for DD.

SS is doing great with his spelling and I think he's doing pretty well with his math.  He didn't pass his last math test, but his teacher thinks it's because he ran out of time, not because he got any wrong.  He has 1 minute to answer 12 math problems and he didn't answer three, and they can only miss one and still pass.  His reading level is almost a year behind.  He also has issues with the sound of a pencil on paper. He covers his ears because he says it hurts.  I think this is misophony, which is something I seem to suffer from with other sounds.  He also seems to rush through his work, which makes his writing sloppy, and he loses his attention pretty fast.

Hubby and I think all of this means that he needs to focus more on school and less on sports.  SS's mother disagrees.

The thing is, we're fairly certain that she doesn't do any kind of reading or practicing with him while she has him Saturday night through Tuesday morning. One time I heard her arguing with Hubby, saying that it takes away from their time to do fun stuff.

But then when we have him during the week, he literally gets home, has an hour to do homework and eat dinner, then goes off to practice, gets home, takes a shower, settles down and sometimes reads, and then goes to bed...just to do it all again the next day.  Cut out the practices, and he could take his time doing homework so he actually understands what he's doing and why, take time to read a book and understand it, and have time to go over the math flashcards so he can answer the math questions faster.

Maybe we're wrong, but I'm pretty sure we're not.  And Hubby had a valid point that if he's in sports when he's older and his grades are suffering he won't be allowed to play due to school rules.

So while his conference wasn't awesome, I think it's something that can be fixed...though it seems like fixing it will complicate other things.

DD's conference went really well.  Her teacher showed me one of her journals, which was really cute.  She said that DD is a real sweetheart and is really kind to the other kids.  She has mastered her letters and apparently is on a higher reading level.  Or at least it's higher for kindergarteners.  She said that the books she's reading are challenging for her, but if she took her down a level they would be too easy.  For math and language arts she scored where a child halfway through the kindergarten year would be.  The only negative thing she said was that she is easily distracted by the other kids or the world around her and she sometimes doesn't finish her work.

Besides the conference, DD loves to do homework and she asks to do it, even when she doesn't have any.

After the conferences, we did some birthday shopping for DS and priced pre-lit Christmas trees and got some lunch.  Then we came home and I took a nap.  Then we went to my parents' house for dinner.

And now I'm back at work after another restless night.  I normally try to nap when I get here, but I have a feeling that I'd be more groggy if I did that.  I have too much work to do to be extra groggy.  A portion of my desk looks like a small pharmacy, but I hope it'll get me through the day.

I guess I'll get an slightly early start on my work.

Oh yeah, I want to change the initials for DS and SS to LB and BB.  I call them both "Bud" and they get confused...so I started calling DS "Little Bud" and SS "Big Bud".  And it's more fitting because while BB is my step-son, he's more like my own.

Off to work mode I go...

Grab a snack, this is a long 'un

Lots of good stuff going on, I think. I hope writing it here doesn't jinx it!

First, I'm writing this here blog on a 'toy' that I got for myself with part of my tax refund. It's an iPad!!! The mini one. I had some issues setting it up, but it's all good to go now and I'm loving it. I can pretty much type like I would using a normal keyboard, which is really nice and much faster than using the one or two thumb method on my phone.

Second, I may or may not have gotten one of these for BF for Valentine's Day. Shhhh...

Third, after a crappy morning followed by a bad mood all day, BF called me out of the blue about half an hour before I wanted to be at the church for choir practice and offered to watch the kids for me. And I'll tell you what...my choir members (especially the women) were more than impressed that he offered to do it without my asking. I can't even begin to describe the kind of reaction they had. It was some mixture of really?! and that's a special guy right there and ohhh things must be serious for him to do that! I'll be honest, when they asked where the kids were and I gave them a brief explanation, I didn't expect that kind of response. It made me feel pretty good, though. They're always asking about him and how things are going and telling me how they think he's such a good guy.

Fourth and lastly (I think), and this is a pretty big one, we're taking a mini family vacation at the end of the month. We (me, BF, BFS, DD, DS) are renting a townhouse for two nights at a beautiful nearby resort. We'll leave on a Friday, spend Saturday snow tubing with the kiddos, then leave Sunday morning. He keeps calling it a romantic getaway, but I can't let myself think of it that way. We may have evenings to spend together after the kids go to bed (IF they go to bed), but I feel like the rest of the time will be spent rushing around and worrying about the three little ones we'll have with us. I have my thoughts on why he would call it a romantic getaway, but I can't let my heart settle on that, either. I do think it'll be fun and it will be good to get to spend that time together, I just don't think it'll be so much romantic as it will be time with family.

Oh. I guess this is the last thing. My parents have been away on vacation for a few days. I've been getting up at 3:30 every morning this week to get the kids to daycare and myself to work or to meet up with BF and carpool. It's been interesting the exhausting. Tomorrow is the last super early morning and for that I am thankful. Every morning before I leave I have to feed and get all the pets ready for the day...the two kitties downstairs, three kitties outside, and living barbecue...err, I mean, the bird down in the sunroom...get the fireplace burning so it'll be hot enough to heat the house all day, get myself ready, get my kids and their stuff ready for the day.

In all this I discovered that the water heater is on the fritz. Monday morning I was greeted with a scalding hot shower. Tuesday was freezing cold shower (ultimately no shower at all...ew). Reset the heater Tuesday night, get a scalding hot shower Wednesday morning. Thursday morning? Freezing cold. I predict Friday morning will be scalding again, since I reset it again this afternoon.

This morning sucked. I didn't get to carpool with BF and I didn't think I'd get to see him at all today. I stabbed myself with a piece of wood so badly that I bled. Freezing shower. Cat managed to get inside while I was feeding them outside and I had to chase him down. Wifi was down here, so I couldn't download my favorite podcast to listen to at work. I know that last one sounds dumb, but I look forward to it and it makes a couple hours of my morning go by faster. All of this was in the first hour I was awake.

I have to say, though, that BF has been so helpful. He's kept me company during most of the evenings my parents have been gone. He watched the kids tonight, which was very helpful. Tonight and another night he went outside and brought in lots of firewood so I wouldn't have to go out and do it myself until the next time he comes over. I didn't ask him to, he just did it. He went out to get us dinner one night and brought BFS over to play and we looked at rental places together.

It's little good things like that that far outweigh any of the other things I have complained about or things we have semi-argued about or ways we've unintentionally hurt each other. It's those little good things that make me feel like if we get married, life is going to be so much better because we help each other in so many different ways. And if we don't get married, I'm just going to enjoy every minute of this while he's still here with me.

I don't feel like I explained that right, but at least I know what I mean. Ha!

Oh. And really lastly, and then I'll call it a night, I took the kids out for dinner last night and a random person who sat near us complimented the kids on how well behaved they are. Then this afternoon DD, out of the blue, told me that I'm a good mommy.

Despite how hard this week has been...and I still have some more time to go...my heart is overflowing with love and appreciation right now.

/end book

Fifth time's a charm

I don't know how many times I've sat down at the computer, typed out an entire entry, then ended up deleting the while thing and walked away. I think I've done it at least 4 times.  Hopefully this doesn't turn into the fifth. Haha!

So many things have been going on that I just don't feel like I've written enough when I do write.  I don't know why I feel like I have to fully disclose everything.  I guess I like to look back and re-read these things from time to time, but I don't think there would be anything important that I absolutely have a to have included.

Actually, there are two things: we celebrated DS's third birthday at the end of October and my and BF's first exclusive dating anniversary.

I can't believe DS is 3 years old. It feels like he was just born yesterday, and now he's a walking, talking, master jigsaw puzzle solving, alphabet reciting, singing, block building, counting, almost preschooler.  Last year he didn't do much of anything of those things.  He has grown so much.  And he's such a sweet little guy.  He's a cuddler, for sure. If he spots me sitting down, he has to sit on my lap.  When I pick him up from daycare or come home after work, he immediately runs up to me and grabs my legs and nuzzles his face into them.

I'm really glad BF has gotten to see him grow in this way. When we're all out together in public, he looks like he could be their father...though not in looks.  But the way they cling to him and he takes charge in looking after them, it could easily be mistaken. If someone asks, he is quick to point out that BFS is his own and the other two are mine.

It's so awkward, but I guess that's what you're supposed to do.

I haven't seen BFS all that much, but I feel like we made some great strides a few days ago during family night.  BF and I spent the day together for our anniversary and then picked up BFS from the bus stop and then my kids from daycare. Then we all went to the grocery store to pick up dinner items and BFS held my hand for the first time!  And sometimes he'd grab my arm and rest his head against it.  I thought my heart was going to explode, it was so touching and I felt so close to him just in that moment.

So despite not spending a lot of time with him, maybe 3 hours a week, we're making progress.

Speaking of progress...BF has been talking marriage a lot lately.  He said he was looking at rings and he keeps asking me about wedding plans and picking a warmer anniversary date. I still struggle with talking about future plans when at this point it's not a guarantee that we have anything to plan for.  Granted, even when we are engaged it's not a guarantee, but it's certainly more likely to happen. Yesterday he said he can't wait until I'm his wife, and I wanted to say, "THAT'S WHAT AN ENGAGED MAN WOULD SAY TO HIS FIANCEE!!!"  But I didn't.  Because I'm not psycho and I don't want to push him into something before he's ready.  Though I don't think I'd really be pushing...but if it's what he wanted now, you'd think it would already be done. Does that make sense?

I honestly think that in his head we're already engaged.  I think if he could, he'd skip that whole part and just get married right away.

I guess that's a good thing.  I thought it was usually women who thought that way, but he has certainly made it clear that he is more than ready and super excited to move onto that part of our lives together.

I think I'm officially meeting his mom next weekend. That randomly came up when we talked last night. I'm thinking that's the thing he's been waiting for before we do move forward.

So I have a gut feeling that there could be some exciting news to be shared in the near future, though I'm not going to try to predict when.

I guess that's all for now.  I think I'll actually post this one!

Until next time...

My babies aren't babies anymore

Well, I was in bed dozing when BF wanted to call and wish me a goodnight.  Now I'm wide awake and I'll bet he's already fast asleep.

So I shall write.

I've had the strange urge to clean and organize lately.  The bad thing about it is that I don't have time!  I have a song to record for choir, plus two others I'd like to record so I can sing with them in the future. The choir song is most important, though.  I work full time and have the two kiddos and try to add in time to see BF.  I thought I would have plenty of time over the long weekend, but it seems like that extra time was pulled right out from under me.

I've really been looking at the kids in the last month and I'm in disbelief that they came from me.  I remember how tiny and helpless they were right after they were born and it seems like time has flown by so fast.

DD is writing her name and all her letters and numbers up to twenty and drawing and skipping and singing and making up stories and solving puzzles and pretending to cook and taking care of her sick stuffed animals.  Over the weekend she started getting attached to the fuzzy sweaters I like to wear because they smell like me and she wants to sleep with them during nap time and bedtime. I'm trying to discourage it...though it's the sweetest thing and it melts me heart that she likes that it smells like me.  I just don't know if it's something I should enable her to be attached to.

DS is speaking in full sentences and pretty much potty training himself.  The poopoo on the potty seems to be going much easier than the peepee.  That's the opposite of his sister.  He's more of a builder than a puzzle solver.  He's jumping around and running and digging in the dirt.  When we go to the park he loves to swing on the swings and throw mulch (which I discourage).  He's trying to write his name.  He loves to sing and right now I think his favorite song is Old MacDonald had a Farm.  He loves the Cars movies (though he just the other day destroyed Cars 2...grr).  His favorite color is green, I think.  He knows his colors and can sing the whole alphabet.

It's hard to believe that they'll be 3 and 5 years old in just a few months.

Where has the time gone?

Back in May, I had my girly doctor check-up and the doctor put me on the pill because my monthly visitor was getting increasingly heavier and painful.  She put me on a regular tri-phasic pill and I thought my body adjusted to it really well (virtually pain-free and much lighter!!), but I noticed that some point during the third week, I would swing into a terrible mood and some kind of depression.  I think it took two months to figure it out and I thought that maybe it was just because I wasn't used to it yet.  So I stuck with it for 4 months and the duration of the bad mood lessened, but the intensity got worse.  My mom was demanding to know what was wrong with me and why I was being so hard on the kids when they were being their normal selves.  I told her that it was out of my control and I was fighting the urge to jump in my car and just drive off somewhere so I can be away from everyone (even BF).  I also told her that my brain was telling me that this thing with BF is going nowhere and that I should just get it over with and break up with him.

But I know these thoughts are completely irrational.  I didn't drive off and leave my kids and I didn't dump my boyfriend.  The fact that I can even reason with myself during those periods tells me that I'm not myself at all.  I don't care how much more pleasant my monthly visitor is, it isn't worth turning into something I can't even stand.

So today I called the doctor during my lunch break today and she called in a different kind of prescription for me.  The nurse who called me was concerned that I had thoughts of hurting myself or someone else.  Thankfully, it wasn't to that point, but I really didn't want to keep trying those pills long enough to find out if it would end up going that far. I told her that if I did have those thoughts I would get help right away.

So I'll try these new lower dose pills and see how they do.  I don't remember having an issue with the lower dose ones year ago, but my body wasn't quite the same back then, either.

I guess I'll close here and see if I can fall asleep.

I've got no powah

The power went out Friday night.

We didn't have power all day Saturday.  It was so incredibly hot inside that the kids were drenched in sweat and so was I.  We have a generator, but we used it for the refrigerator and to charge our phones and it made me very grouchy and all I wanted was to be able to take a shower.  BF kept checking in throughout the day to see if the power came back, which it hadn't, then at about 3 pm he told me he'd be back in Gma's and said I could take a shower there.

So the kids and I piled in my car and went over there...only 2-3 miles away, with electricity and air conditioning...and we all were bathed and enjoying the cool air for a little while.  Gma is such a sweet woman and I can't thank her enough for letting us use her shower.

To be courteous, I made sure everything was clean when I left and I brought my own towels and soap so she wouldn't feel so put out for allowing us to do that.

Then BF and his son and me and my kids headed out to grab some dinner.  I was already still grouchy because of being in the heat all day long and BF was on the edge because of I don't know what.  I'll be honest with you, dinner was not fun that evening.

I didn't get the kids in bed that night until the sun went down just because I wanted their room to have a chance to cool a little bit.  It didn't cool down at all because there was no air circulating throughout the house to get the warm air out.

BF came shortly after 8 pm and helped my dad install a window fan.  Then the air started moving a bit.  After the kids were in bed and everything else was settled, BF and I went outside to talk for a while in the cool night air.  We sat in these metal chairs near the main entrance.

He told me that he was thinking about this plan that he has and that he feels like he's procrastinating with "us" and he doesn't know why.  He said he wasn't sure he would ever get to where he wants to be with this plan that he's not telling me.  All he said is that by next spring, he thinks he'll be where he wants to be financially.  I don't know what means.  I was asking questions to try and understand, but they really got me nowhere.

He then said he had a blanket in his truck and we could go halfway down the driveway and lay down to look at the stars.

What a neat idea.  :)  So that's what we did.  We laid there and kept talking.  He asked me where I wanted to be by this time next year and I honestly don't know.  All I know is where I want to end up, but I don't know how to get there.  And it's not like I can have a plan...He seems to have this schedule set in his head for how he wants things to be done and no plan of mine can change that.

We talked about the fears we have and I told him my fear of making that kind of commitment again.  I'm so glad that he seemed to understand and didn't think it was weird.

I really enjoyed that time with him.  It's definitely something I'll remember for a long time.

The power came back on at about 5 am this morning.

The power was still out at the church, so there was no service.  I spent some time outside with DD and DS and got some sun.  Then they had lunch and went down for a nap.  I took a nap, too, and had the most horrible dream.

I dreamt that I had been pulled over by a police officer and with the way he was talking to me, he was going to make sure he was going to do everything possible to make sure that I was going to jail.  He did a search on me before he took me to wherever he took me...then I waited in that room for a long time, knowing that he was going to come back and do a cavity search.  In this dream, he was pulling over lots of people and doing the same thing, putting us all in this holding room.  I had an iP@d and my cell phone and I was trying to contact someone on the outside for help and the devices wouldn't work.  They didn't have good service or kept falling apart.

Then I woke up.  That probably sounds really dumb, but when I was in the middle of it, it was horrifying!

Some time today, I got a text from my coworker friend, telling me that there is no work tomorrow because there is still no power down there.  I was excited at first, then realized that there would be no date night because I'd then be taking them to visitation, which is fine.  BF and I had already been trying to discuss what we were going to do, so I was little disappointed.  I think he's going to come with us, though.  The kids are excited that I get to take them up there and DD likes that BF will likely be tagging along.  My mom said that after visitation and after we get them fed, we can drop them off and resume our usual date night.

I'm not sure what we'll be doing because it'll be late by the time we get back, but I appreciate that my mom will still let us have some alone time together.

I'm pretty happy that I get this extra time with the kids tomorrow.  DS is so lovey and affectionate, I can't get enough of his cuddling.  I like to watch him and DD interact and learn from each other (mostly him learning from her).  And DD is too stinkin' smart for her own good.  She knows exactly how to manipulate things so that she gets what she wants and I don't realize it until it's already done.

Well, I guess that's all for now.  I don't know why I've been writing so much lately.

Until next time...

Super duper fabulous week

This week has been pretty darn fantastic.

I've gotten to spend lots of time with BF and his son (three family nights this week!).  We also had our brief date night on Monday and BF will be coming over this evening.

I took off work on Wednesday because I had a child support conference.  I was so nervous because I hadn't seen X since October and I really didn't want to have to talk to him.  So while I was getting ready, I told God that I was putting it all in His hands.  I was going in there with the papers that I was required to get together and I wasn't going to try to sway the result in any way.

It went way better than I thought it would.  I didn't see X at all.  I don't know why.  I got there first and I was taken into a little room and the really nice lady who took the case informed me that he had filed to have the order transferred to MD, so that's why I was there, and she said she'd go run my numbers and then put his in when he arrived and see what happens.  When she came back in she said he was there, but he never came in and after we were finished, he had already left.

Not only did I not have to see him, the kids are also getting more than was originally ordered in PA even though I have a much higher income and X is still on unemployment!!

I don't know how that happened.  He also owes a good amount in arrears.

Nothing went the way I thought it would and that's a good thing.  It sure beats getting $4.02 per month.

So because that turned out so well, I have determined that I can likely move out on my own and know that I can still provide for the kids, even if I have to make sacrifices for myself.

I told this to BF and ever since he has talked about moving in together.

We had talked about this probably 2 months after we started dating when he first asked me about it and I told him that I don't believe in it.  It has to do with a lot of things: my religious beliefs, my values, my family, my kids, etc.  He seems to want to live together to determine if we would make it if we got married.

I told him that given what I know about his past and what I know about him now (which I think is a lot), if I feel like I need to live with him to feel like I can marry him, then I don't love or care about him enough to get married to him in the first place.  I'm sure there would be certain things that he does that would drive me crazy, but I am certain that he is a terrific guy and I love him more than I can explain and there is no little quirk or habit that he has that I wouldn't find out about until we lived together that would be a deal-breaker.

So anyway, I explained it to him again and he says he understands and he's just teasing, but he said it's something he thinks about on a daily basis.  I suppose that's a good thing.

In other news, I've been keeping up with my workouts.  It takes over an hour now to complete all five (abs, butt, pushups, legs, arms) and I do them any day I have some extra time, which ends up being just about every other day.  I made the mistake of weighing myself this morning...

I've gained 2.5 pounds in the last two weeks!!!!  Ahhhhh!!!  I wasn't expecting that, especially since my clothes are starting to fit better and I have a definable waist now.  I'm trying not to freak out about it and I keep reminding myself that muscle weighs more than fat and I've lost a bit of fat and I know I've gained some muscle.

I still haven't told BF that I've been doing it.  I know he'll tell me that I don't need to and then I might stop.  Or he'll think that he needs to start working out more because then I'll make him look bad (I think he needs to relax a bit more, to be honest...he's always buzzing around, wearing himself out).

I feel really accomplished when I've exercised and it gives me an adrenaline rush something.  It just feels good and I'm proud of myself for keeping it up for this long on my own.  Not to mention the health benefits.

Well, I suppose that's all for now.  Kiddos need lunch and I have lots of stuff to do before BF gets here in a few hours (yaaaaay)!

Until next time...

Closer

I was sitting at the kitchen table drinking my coffee, knowing I wanted to come by here and write.

So I plopped down in front of my computer and I'm drawing a blank!

Monday we did have a shorter date night.  It was a movie at his house, but it was still good to spend more time with him.  Actually, it was more like 1.25 movies.  The first one we started watching...I couldn't get past the language and raunchiness, so we switched to something else (thank goodness).

We had our family night on Wednesday and then another family night last night.  I think BF gets a lot out of those nights.  I do, too, but I get even more out of them knowing that it makes him feel really close to all of us when we get to spend that time together.  I feel like a family.  A real one.  A good one.  I honestly didn't think I'd feel that way about "family night".  It was more of a way to let the kids to get to know each other and have a play date and another excuse for me and BF to see each other.  It's truly unexpected and rewarding feeling.

I only have one problem with family night.  Well, it's not a bad problem, if that makes sense.  Every time we go out, a stranger says something that makes us feel awkward, not knowing they're even doing it.  It happened one of the first times BF and I went out alone and I think every time we've had a family night.  Someone always says how our kids are so well-behaved or our son or daughter is so cute.  Last night someone asked us where we live and referred to BF as DS's daddy.

When we go out alone, we've been mistaken for being married on more than one occasion.

It makes me feel like maybe we all look comfortable together.  Or maybe we all look good together.  Or maybe with the way I and BF handle the kids, we just look like your normal family...  Am I supposed to correct these people and let them in on just how disjointed our lives really are?  I don't feel like it's worth the time and discussion to explain it to someone we'll likely never see again.  I asked BF how he feels about it and he said it makes him feel pretty good and it doesn't bother him to let the people think what they want.

Going back to the subject of gratifying things...  The other night BF and I were talking on the phone like we usually do and he came up with a random question.  It thought it was kind of weird and silly, but for whatever reason letting him think out loud and bounce his thoughts off of me made me feel really close to him.  I got the same feeling a few months ago when we were discussing whether or not they have cows in China (I don't remember how in the world that came up) or a couple weeks ago when we were talking about the difference between moths and butterflies.  I've had the feeling other times, too, but those are the specific ones I remember.  I told him that I hope he always feels like he can talk to me like that, even if it seems like I think's kind of goofy or trivial.  I told him that it means a lot to me and I really enjoy it.  He says that he feels like he can talk to me about anything whether it's stuff like that, or his ex, or his past, or work, or whatever else.

I am so thankful for that and I think it's so important.

I suppose I'd better get going.  The kids are finally awake.  I think we'll spend some time outside this afternoon (I'm going to give my car a bath) and I need to file my taxes (nothing like waiting until the last minute!!).

Until next time...

Custody rant

I had come on here earlier today to go over my week like I did in the last entry...but I have so much running through my head that I can't even remember what I did this week.  I guess I could remember if I forced myself to, but I don't really like rehashing the whole week going day by day.

BF and his son left for Florida early this morning and won't be back until next Saturday.  I'm kicking myself because I could have gone with him to go meet his father and step-mother, but I decided not to go because it was a long time to be away from my kids.

I'm missing him so much, it's crazy.  Sometimes I find myself getting choked up because he would have been here with me this evening.  I don't think I've cried in months.  It feels foreign, and I didn't realize this would be so hard for me.

DD and DS keep asking if they can see him and I can't explain it to them in a way that they'll understand that they aren't even anywhere near here right now.

I feel kind of bad about it, to be honest.  X is trying to talk me into giving him more custody.  I replied to him last Sunday, saying that he can find a supervised visitation program in Maryland and get back to me.  He replied after I was already in bed with this really long response, saying that our children need to see their father and that DD had asked him about it and it's important for their development and he feels a duty, etc.

I probably shouldn't say this here in case he reads this, but it would mean more to me if he just plain said that he loves them and misses them and wants to spend time with them instead of this other supposedly professional-sounding mumbo-jumbo.

The supervisor right now has no right to base whether or not he's ready to have more custody based on one hour of good behavior every week.  I know that he has still been in contact with TOW at least up until recently.

And funny enough, neither of my children say anything about him when they're home.  They talk about BF and BFS.  Even if I ask them about their visit with their dad, they don't say much.  They talk more about the supervisor and the toys and I have to pry for what they did with him.

But they always ask about BF, especially DS.  They'll be at daycare, where BF has never even been, and ask if he's there.

Maybe it's my fault.  Other than spending time with them, I haven't tried to force any kind of relationship between my kids and BF.  I haven't discouraged my kids from talking about their father.  However, I don't talk about X around them, but I do talk about BF.

Besides his one hour per week, X makes no contact with his kids.  No cards or calls on their birthdays or holidays.  If I cancel a visit because they're sick, he doesn't ask me how they're doing.  He doesn't talk to them at all.

Is it my responsibility to make sure he does those things?  I thought if he wanted to do all that, then he'd do it.  Or at least that's what I'd do.

I know that if someone asked him about it, he'd say that I wouldn't let him talk to them.  Fact is, he hasn't even tried.  The only reason why I might not let him talk to them is if he turned it into an interrogation session with me like he has in the past.

In certain ways, it would make my life a little easier if he had them part of the time.  Even if it's just for one day a week.  But I can't justify to myself putting them in a situation where they wouldn't be properly cared for or loved.

Ugh, I didn't mean to go on a rant about that.

I'd better go.  The choir makes their debut under my direction in the morning and I need sleep.

If I can even fall asleep.  I miss BF too much.

Unhappy face.

Not-so-great week

Last week was one of the worst weeks I've had in a long time.

I thought it was going to be great because I was carpooling with BF for most of the week, which meant that I'd get to see him first thing in the morning and right after work, in additional to any time we had already planned to spend together.

Monday, my period started a day early.  I know that's no big deal, but when you're not expecting it, it kind of is.  It's been like clockwork for the last few months...so I kind of wasn't prepared.  I handled it okay, it just meant that I spent date night feeling crampy and rather miserable.

Tuesday, I took DS to urgent care because he was wheezing and had a really bad cough.  The nurse practitioner there gave him a breathing treatment, which seemed to help and prescribed a steroid for what she said was bronchiolitis and an antibiotic for an ear infection.  Then I had to rush to the pharmacy and try to pick up those prescriptions before the store closed, only to find out that the antibiotic wouldn't be available until the next day.

Wednesday, I called the pediatrician to schedule a follow-up appointment as I was instructed to do at urgent care and they wanted to see him right away.  Well, I had carpooled and couldn't leave, so my mom had to drag both kids to the doctor's office only to have the doctor say that DS doesn't have an ear infection and that he thought he has asthma.  The asthma was only in one lung, though, and he wouldn't say what he thought it was.  So he prescribed a breathing treatment and a nebulizer and also wanted me to keep the prescription for the antibiotic because if he has a little bit of pneumonia, it'll clear up with the medication.

My mother wound up driving all over creation to get the nebulizer and decided I could pick up the meds on the way home from work.

I stopped to pick up the meds only to find out that the doctor had forgotten to call in the prescription for the breathing treatment.  I did end up leaving with both prescriptions, but it took much longer than I thought it would.

We didn't have family night.

DS was doing pretty badly that night, so I called off work on Thursday so I could keep an eye on him and take him to the emergency room if I needed to.

Thankfully, the breathing treatment helped and there were no emergencies.  I did find out, however, that I'm allergic to albuterol sulfate.  When I hold him on my lap for the treatment, some of the vapors come in contact with my face and it causes my upper lip to swell up and my nose and throat to get itchy.

Thursday wasn't terribly bad, though, because BF called me on the way home from work and showed up at my house to say hi for a few minutes.  It was definitely a bright spot to my day.

That night, I was in the middle of a great choir practice (10 people showed up and they sounded great!) when X texted me about discussing our custody arrangement.  I knew it was coming, but no amount of thinking about it would prepare me for when he actually spoke up.

I still haven't replied because I didn't know what to do.  I think I will reply this afternoon.  He isn't going to like it.

Friday was rather uneventful, but I was in a foul mood because of the stressful week.

Yesterday was okay.  I accomplished a little bit at home and had some time to breathe and relax.  BF came over late in the afternoon and spent a few hours with us.  DS sat on his lap to do his treatment before bed.  BF was okay with it, so I went to clean up our dinner mess.  I could hear them talking to each other.  It was really sweet.

I feel like this entry is extremely disjointed, so I guess I'll end here.  I hope this week is better.  I knew the emotional high I've been on wouldn't last forever, but jeeze...when it rains, it pours.

Off to church to sing in the praise band!

Inexplicable magnetism

Well, things are still going well for yours truly.

Mind you, there are still some speed bumps I'm going to run into, but for once I feel like I can take them on without panicking.

BF has been especially...I don't know the word. Adoring? Loving? Those still aren't adequate enough to describe just how into me he has been.

The feeling is mutual, though. I used to think that pheromones were a load of hooey, but it's the only explanation I have for this...this...ahhh I can't think of the right now. Not attraction to each other. I mean, we are definitely attracted to each other, but there is something drawing me to him that I can't even begin to explain.

It may be all the little things he does to make me feel so loved by him. I don't think that's even what he's trying to do. It's calling me in the morning before work, even on his day off. It's picking up my favorite treat just because he saw it on the shelf. It's kissing me on the hand when we're in the car together. It's saying my name after he tells me he loves me. It's having little inside jokes that we can laugh about. It's feeling like I can truly be myself and knowing he loves me for it and still thinks I'm perfect.

Like, the other day he sent me a text message to tell me that he was going to get his "alumaniminum". I said it out loud to myself and started to giggle. He said he did, too.  We had just been talking about words like that a few days before.  Something about that moment just made me feel especially close to him and I thought my heart was going to burst.

It was the silliest thing and looking back on it now, I don't even know why it made me feel that way, but it did.

I'm really afraid that this is just a crush. For either of us. I have never had feelings like this for someone and it baffles me every day. The feelings grow more and more every day, even when I feel like they possibly couldn't.

I remember when I first learned about the Five Love Languages and finding out what my love language was. I thought it wouldn't take anything to fill my "love tank" and I thought X was filling it just fine, when he wasn't being mean.

But BF he keeps my love tank overflowing and it's not because he has to go out of his way to do it.  It's just the way he is.

I daydream about our future. Then I have to remind myself that we've only been a couple for 4 months. When we were talking the other night, he was telling me that I may be questioned by some people for his background check at work that they do every 5 years.  He was saying that they ask questions for things about what he was doing up to 7 years ago. I told him that I don't really know that much about what he was doing back then that's when it hit us how long it feels like we've known each other compared to how long we actually have.

It's so weird.

I could talk about this forever and ever.  Heh.

In other news, I have some court stuff coming up regarding child support. I wish I could tell them that I don't want anything to do with him or child support. It's just one more thing for me to think about.  If he's unemployed, he can't pay anything anyway. I do think he should support his kids, but I don't think he cares all that much. And if things progress with BF like I think they will, I won't need it.

I think something is going to come up with custody, too.  I haven't heard anything official yet. That's the one speed bump I don't want to have to go over.

The kids are doing well.  We all seem to have some sort of head cold or allergies going on.  DS is learning to test the limits of whomever is watching them and DD seems to be growing out of her phase of throwing massive tantrums.

I have regained use of my car! I just need to take it in and get the real tags a registration next week. Then it's all squared away and I don't have to worry about it anymore!! It feels good to drive it again, though there are still some bad memories tied to it and there are dead bugs all over it. But it's mine and it makes me feel like I'm one step closer to gaining complete control over my life.

Well, I supposed that's it.  I need to go accomplish some things.

Here's to a fabulous weekend!

Life is almost perfect

So it's been a while...

I haven't posted since November because I haven't had my computer on since November!

It has been kind of liberating, not getting sucked into this thing for 2.5+ months.  I accomplished more at home, spent more time with my kids, got back into reading, spent a lot of time talking to and seeing my boyfriend.

Boyfriend.  It still feels weird to say that.

I've been trying to write this entry for 2 weeks now...or at least since I posted on FB how blessed I feel and someone requested more info.

Things are going well, I think.  My boyfriend (from now on known as BF) and I are still going strong.  We see each other at least 3 times per week and talk every work morning and every night.  Mondays are date nights.  Wednesdays are "family nights", where we get together and take our children somewhere fun.  And Saturday nights have been spent together at my house after he drops his son (now known as BFS) off with his mother or grandmother.

BFS seems to be warming up to me a bit.  He used to not look at or speak to me, but now sometimes he calls me by my name and asks me questions or tells me things.  He and my kids get along pretty well, too, I think.

DD and DS really like BF.  Nearly every day, all day, DS asks, [BF] here?"  They're always excited to see him and he is so good with them.  He helps me get them strapped in their car seats when we go out, and he'll hold DD's hand when my arms are full with DS, and when I can't keep up with both of them he'll seek out DS and carry him so I can chase after DD.  And I didn't ask him to do any of it.

About 3 weeks ago, he was over on a Saturday and I was getting the kids in bed.  DD was saying her good nights and told BF that she loves him.  I froze because I didn't expect her to say that and I didn't know how BF or my parents would rake it.  But they acted as if it was a normal thing and everything was fine.  BF told me later that he thought it was sweet.

I knew she been feeling that way, so I wasn't shocked.  A few weeks prior she was telling me how much she likes BF and his son and she said, "I hope they love me, too."  That made me feel really good.  It's pretty cool to see them develop some sort of natural bond (I don't know what else to call it).  I haven't pushed for any of it to happen...it just seems to be going along just fine on its own.

BF and I shared our first "I love you"s when we got together to ring in the new year.  He says I'm his best friend.  We share all kinds of things with each other without judgment.  He trusted me enough to tell me about his rough past and I've been able to open up to him about some tough subjects.  It feels so good to have this kind of relationship with someone.  It's still so new to me.  There is so much trust and openness and love.  And people can see it.

Words can't describe how much I care about this man.  I can see us being together for a very long time.  Apparently a lot of other people can, too.  My mother has brought up marriage multiple times.  My dad brought it up to my mom.  My future SIL brought it up last Sunday, as did my Pastor's wife.

He and I have never sat down and discussed it, though he has dropped hints more than once that it's something he would like to eventually happen.

It shocks me a bit that my mom, of all people, would suggest it already.  She's the one who pounded it into my head not to settle for the next guy who came along.  It means a lot to me that she likes him, though.  She has told me numerous times how she and everyone else tried to warn me about X, but I wouldn't listen.  So now I'm listening intently and all she's saying is, "Let's get this man saved so you two can get married!"

There are some things going on in our lives that keep us from seeing each other as much as we want to (like kids/custody, for one), thus making it more difficult to proceed to the next step, if that's what is supposed to happen.  We both wonder what would have happened if we had met a long time ago.  I think we were both completely different people back then and I'm fairly certain it wouldn't have gone anywhere, or it would have gone badly.

He always tells me that everything happens for a reason.  I believe that, too.  And I think having kids (and whatever else comes up) keeps us grounded and forces us to pace ourselves.  I don't want to rush into anything.  There is too much at stake.  I'm quite thankful for having things that make us have to slow down and think things through.

And quite frankly, the thought of marriage scares me now.  I know I can commit.  That is not the issue.  It's the fear of making a mistake again.  I know my feelings for him are real and completely different from anything I have ever felt.  But I can't guarantee that his won't change for me.

In other news...

Things have been great at work.  I was promoted midway through December to processing claims.  And then just this week I found out that I received a generous raise! That's 2 raises and 1 promotion in just over 8 months of employment.  I didn't even know that was possible and I certainly didn't expect the second raise because I didn't think my 6 month review went as well as it should have.  So I feel quite blessed and now I feel like I need to work harder!

I am now directing the choir at my church.  It's kind of messy how I got there, but we have had two rehearsals and a limited group of people, but I think it's going well.  I was really nervous with the first practice.  But this last one is the one I think was really good.  We're practicing "It Is Well With My Soul".  Last week we went over the different parts.  This week we reviewed the parts and then added in dynamics.

At one point I was so moved that I couldn't even sing anymore!  It was so powerful and it just got to me.  The best thing is that I feel like no one is trying to outshine anyone else.  Even though there was only one soprano (and me, when I chimed in) and one tenor, I didn't hear specific people.  I heard one voice.  One beautiful sound!  I could tell by how everyone was smiling afterwards, they heard and felt it, too.  I think we can do great things and I'm really excited to see how it goes.

Well, I suppose that's it for now.  I'm done writing a novel.  I have a bit of stuff to accomplish before BF comes over in a couple hours.

I hope to write again much sooner next time!