Super duper fabulous week

This week has been pretty darn fantastic.

I've gotten to spend lots of time with BF and his son (three family nights this week!).  We also had our brief date night on Monday and BF will be coming over this evening.

I took off work on Wednesday because I had a child support conference.  I was so nervous because I hadn't seen X since October and I really didn't want to have to talk to him.  So while I was getting ready, I told God that I was putting it all in His hands.  I was going in there with the papers that I was required to get together and I wasn't going to try to sway the result in any way.

It went way better than I thought it would.  I didn't see X at all.  I don't know why.  I got there first and I was taken into a little room and the really nice lady who took the case informed me that he had filed to have the order transferred to MD, so that's why I was there, and she said she'd go run my numbers and then put his in when he arrived and see what happens.  When she came back in she said he was there, but he never came in and after we were finished, he had already left.

Not only did I not have to see him, the kids are also getting more than was originally ordered in PA even though I have a much higher income and X is still on unemployment!!

I don't know how that happened.  He also owes a good amount in arrears.

Nothing went the way I thought it would and that's a good thing.  It sure beats getting $4.02 per month.

So because that turned out so well, I have determined that I can likely move out on my own and know that I can still provide for the kids, even if I have to make sacrifices for myself.

I told this to BF and ever since he has talked about moving in together.

We had talked about this probably 2 months after we started dating when he first asked me about it and I told him that I don't believe in it.  It has to do with a lot of things: my religious beliefs, my values, my family, my kids, etc.  He seems to want to live together to determine if we would make it if we got married.

I told him that given what I know about his past and what I know about him now (which I think is a lot), if I feel like I need to live with him to feel like I can marry him, then I don't love or care about him enough to get married to him in the first place.  I'm sure there would be certain things that he does that would drive me crazy, but I am certain that he is a terrific guy and I love him more than I can explain and there is no little quirk or habit that he has that I wouldn't find out about until we lived together that would be a deal-breaker.

So anyway, I explained it to him again and he says he understands and he's just teasing, but he said it's something he thinks about on a daily basis.  I suppose that's a good thing.

In other news, I've been keeping up with my workouts.  It takes over an hour now to complete all five (abs, butt, pushups, legs, arms) and I do them any day I have some extra time, which ends up being just about every other day.  I made the mistake of weighing myself this morning...

I've gained 2.5 pounds in the last two weeks!!!!  Ahhhhh!!!  I wasn't expecting that, especially since my clothes are starting to fit better and I have a definable waist now.  I'm trying not to freak out about it and I keep reminding myself that muscle weighs more than fat and I've lost a bit of fat and I know I've gained some muscle.

I still haven't told BF that I've been doing it.  I know he'll tell me that I don't need to and then I might stop.  Or he'll think that he needs to start working out more because then I'll make him look bad (I think he needs to relax a bit more, to be honest...he's always buzzing around, wearing himself out).

I feel really accomplished when I've exercised and it gives me an adrenaline rush something.  It just feels good and I'm proud of myself for keeping it up for this long on my own.  Not to mention the health benefits.

Well, I suppose that's all for now.  Kiddos need lunch and I have lots of stuff to do before BF gets here in a few hours (yaaaaay)!

Until next time...

Closer

I was sitting at the kitchen table drinking my coffee, knowing I wanted to come by here and write.

So I plopped down in front of my computer and I'm drawing a blank!

Monday we did have a shorter date night.  It was a movie at his house, but it was still good to spend more time with him.  Actually, it was more like 1.25 movies.  The first one we started watching...I couldn't get past the language and raunchiness, so we switched to something else (thank goodness).

We had our family night on Wednesday and then another family night last night.  I think BF gets a lot out of those nights.  I do, too, but I get even more out of them knowing that it makes him feel really close to all of us when we get to spend that time together.  I feel like a family.  A real one.  A good one.  I honestly didn't think I'd feel that way about "family night".  It was more of a way to let the kids to get to know each other and have a play date and another excuse for me and BF to see each other.  It's truly unexpected and rewarding feeling.

I only have one problem with family night.  Well, it's not a bad problem, if that makes sense.  Every time we go out, a stranger says something that makes us feel awkward, not knowing they're even doing it.  It happened one of the first times BF and I went out alone and I think every time we've had a family night.  Someone always says how our kids are so well-behaved or our son or daughter is so cute.  Last night someone asked us where we live and referred to BF as DS's daddy.

When we go out alone, we've been mistaken for being married on more than one occasion.

It makes me feel like maybe we all look comfortable together.  Or maybe we all look good together.  Or maybe with the way I and BF handle the kids, we just look like your normal family...  Am I supposed to correct these people and let them in on just how disjointed our lives really are?  I don't feel like it's worth the time and discussion to explain it to someone we'll likely never see again.  I asked BF how he feels about it and he said it makes him feel pretty good and it doesn't bother him to let the people think what they want.

Going back to the subject of gratifying things...  The other night BF and I were talking on the phone like we usually do and he came up with a random question.  It thought it was kind of weird and silly, but for whatever reason letting him think out loud and bounce his thoughts off of me made me feel really close to him.  I got the same feeling a few months ago when we were discussing whether or not they have cows in China (I don't remember how in the world that came up) or a couple weeks ago when we were talking about the difference between moths and butterflies.  I've had the feeling other times, too, but those are the specific ones I remember.  I told him that I hope he always feels like he can talk to me like that, even if it seems like I think's kind of goofy or trivial.  I told him that it means a lot to me and I really enjoy it.  He says that he feels like he can talk to me about anything whether it's stuff like that, or his ex, or his past, or work, or whatever else.

I am so thankful for that and I think it's so important.

I suppose I'd better get going.  The kids are finally awake.  I think we'll spend some time outside this afternoon (I'm going to give my car a bath) and I need to file my taxes (nothing like waiting until the last minute!!).

Until next time...

Heeeee's back!!!!

I'm writing this as a draft in my personal e-mail before my shift starts.

BF is back!!! I survived the week! The first two or three days were sad. The next two or three were filled with lonliness and missing him more than I ever thought I could. The last two days were depressing. I felt like he'd never be back and the days were dragging on and on and I didn't feel like I got to talk to him all that much.

BUT...he made it home in time on Saturday to come with me to the church play and then spend a few hours with me after at home. And he came over yesterday for Easter dinner with my family. He's supposed to work late tonight, but we may still have a couple hours after he gets off for a little date.

He is such a great guy, I don't think he even realizes it. I still have a hard time believing he's real and sometimes I catch myself staring at him. Not because he's so good looking (which he is), but because I can't fathom how he would want to pursue someone like me. I don't know why in the world someone else didn't catch his eye or snatch him up first. I asked him that before I think his response was something about how he had dated before, but those other people weren't what he was looking for.

I referred to him as Mr. Perfect the other day and my mom told me not to call him that because there will be a day when he disappoints or hurts me. I am well aware of this. I had called him Mr. Perfect in comparison to X. I know there is going to be times when he frustrates me or says something that hurts my feelings or gets angry with me and it'll break my heart. But those things don't hold a candle to the rest of the goodness that is in him and as much as he has already done and the effort he has put forth just to make sure I know exactly how he feels about me.

I feel like I've said all this before. Oh well. I still wrap my head around it.

In other news, work is still going well. I processed almost 800 claims last week. I think it was 780-something. That's over 150 per day. One of the days I got through 180!

I am finally up to a healthy weight. According to my weight and height, I am no longer underweight. I am pretty happy about that, but also anxious because I have never been this size without being pregnant or having just had a baby. To prevent my weight going crazy high, I decided to download some free workout apps on my phone. Each one focuses on certain areas of the body. They don't require any kind of special equipment and each of the easy workouts take less than 10 minutes. I am still sore from Friday! I did two of the workouts on Saturday and I was still so tired from Friday that I couldn't complete all of the exercise for my arms. I'm quite happy that it's working. I didn't think it would.

I suppose that's all for now. I didn't get to write over the weekend because I was so busy getting ready for Easter.

Until next time...

Custody rant

I had come on here earlier today to go over my week like I did in the last entry...but I have so much running through my head that I can't even remember what I did this week.  I guess I could remember if I forced myself to, but I don't really like rehashing the whole week going day by day.

BF and his son left for Florida early this morning and won't be back until next Saturday.  I'm kicking myself because I could have gone with him to go meet his father and step-mother, but I decided not to go because it was a long time to be away from my kids.

I'm missing him so much, it's crazy.  Sometimes I find myself getting choked up because he would have been here with me this evening.  I don't think I've cried in months.  It feels foreign, and I didn't realize this would be so hard for me.

DD and DS keep asking if they can see him and I can't explain it to them in a way that they'll understand that they aren't even anywhere near here right now.

I feel kind of bad about it, to be honest.  X is trying to talk me into giving him more custody.  I replied to him last Sunday, saying that he can find a supervised visitation program in Maryland and get back to me.  He replied after I was already in bed with this really long response, saying that our children need to see their father and that DD had asked him about it and it's important for their development and he feels a duty, etc.

I probably shouldn't say this here in case he reads this, but it would mean more to me if he just plain said that he loves them and misses them and wants to spend time with them instead of this other supposedly professional-sounding mumbo-jumbo.

The supervisor right now has no right to base whether or not he's ready to have more custody based on one hour of good behavior every week.  I know that he has still been in contact with TOW at least up until recently.

And funny enough, neither of my children say anything about him when they're home.  They talk about BF and BFS.  Even if I ask them about their visit with their dad, they don't say much.  They talk more about the supervisor and the toys and I have to pry for what they did with him.

But they always ask about BF, especially DS.  They'll be at daycare, where BF has never even been, and ask if he's there.

Maybe it's my fault.  Other than spending time with them, I haven't tried to force any kind of relationship between my kids and BF.  I haven't discouraged my kids from talking about their father.  However, I don't talk about X around them, but I do talk about BF.

Besides his one hour per week, X makes no contact with his kids.  No cards or calls on their birthdays or holidays.  If I cancel a visit because they're sick, he doesn't ask me how they're doing.  He doesn't talk to them at all.

Is it my responsibility to make sure he does those things?  I thought if he wanted to do all that, then he'd do it.  Or at least that's what I'd do.

I know that if someone asked him about it, he'd say that I wouldn't let him talk to them.  Fact is, he hasn't even tried.  The only reason why I might not let him talk to them is if he turned it into an interrogation session with me like he has in the past.

In certain ways, it would make my life a little easier if he had them part of the time.  Even if it's just for one day a week.  But I can't justify to myself putting them in a situation where they wouldn't be properly cared for or loved.

Ugh, I didn't mean to go on a rant about that.

I'd better go.  The choir makes their debut under my direction in the morning and I need sleep.

If I can even fall asleep.  I miss BF too much.

Unhappy face.