Lots of good stuff going on, I think. I hope writing it here doesn't jinx it!
First, I'm writing this here blog on a 'toy' that I got for myself with part of my tax refund. It's an iPad!!! The mini one. I had some issues setting it up, but it's all good to go now and I'm loving it. I can pretty much type like I would using a normal keyboard, which is really nice and much faster than using the one or two thumb method on my phone.
Second, I may or may not have gotten one of these for BF for Valentine's Day. Shhhh...
Third, after a crappy morning followed by a bad mood all day, BF called me out of the blue about half an hour before I wanted to be at the church for choir practice and offered to watch the kids for me. And I'll tell you what...my choir members (especially the women) were more than impressed that he offered to do it without my asking. I can't even begin to describe the kind of reaction they had. It was some mixture of really?! and that's a special guy right there and ohhh things must be serious for him to do that! I'll be honest, when they asked where the kids were and I gave them a brief explanation, I didn't expect that kind of response. It made me feel pretty good, though. They're always asking about him and how things are going and telling me how they think he's such a good guy.
Fourth and lastly (I think), and this is a pretty big one, we're taking a mini family vacation at the end of the month. We (me, BF, BFS, DD, DS) are renting a townhouse for two nights at a beautiful nearby resort. We'll leave on a Friday, spend Saturday snow tubing with the kiddos, then leave Sunday morning. He keeps calling it a romantic getaway, but I can't let myself think of it that way. We may have evenings to spend together after the kids go to bed (IF they go to bed), but I feel like the rest of the time will be spent rushing around and worrying about the three little ones we'll have with us. I have my thoughts on why he would call it a romantic getaway, but I can't let my heart settle on that, either. I do think it'll be fun and it will be good to get to spend that time together, I just don't think it'll be so much romantic as it will be time with family.
Oh. I guess this is the last thing. My parents have been away on vacation for a few days. I've been getting up at 3:30 every morning this week to get the kids to daycare and myself to work or to meet up with BF and carpool. It's been interesting the exhausting. Tomorrow is the last super early morning and for that I am thankful. Every morning before I leave I have to feed and get all the pets ready for the day...the two kitties downstairs, three kitties outside, and living barbecue...err, I mean, the bird down in the sunroom...get the fireplace burning so it'll be hot enough to heat the house all day, get myself ready, get my kids and their stuff ready for the day.
In all this I discovered that the water heater is on the fritz. Monday morning I was greeted with a scalding hot shower. Tuesday was freezing cold shower (ultimately no shower at all...ew). Reset the heater Tuesday night, get a scalding hot shower Wednesday morning. Thursday morning? Freezing cold. I predict Friday morning will be scalding again, since I reset it again this afternoon.
This morning sucked. I didn't get to carpool with BF and I didn't think I'd get to see him at all today. I stabbed myself with a piece of wood so badly that I bled. Freezing shower. Cat managed to get inside while I was feeding them outside and I had to chase him down. Wifi was down here, so I couldn't download my favorite podcast to listen to at work. I know that last one sounds dumb, but I look forward to it and it makes a couple hours of my morning go by faster. All of this was in the first hour I was awake.
I have to say, though, that BF has been so helpful. He's kept me company during most of the evenings my parents have been gone. He watched the kids tonight, which was very helpful. Tonight and another night he went outside and brought in lots of firewood so I wouldn't have to go out and do it myself until the next time he comes over. I didn't ask him to, he just did it. He went out to get us dinner one night and brought BFS over to play and we looked at rental places together.
It's little good things like that that far outweigh any of the other things I have complained about or things we have semi-argued about or ways we've unintentionally hurt each other. It's those little good things that make me feel like if we get married, life is going to be so much better because we help each other in so many different ways. And if we don't get married, I'm just going to enjoy every minute of this while he's still here with me.
I don't feel like I explained that right, but at least I know what I mean. Ha!
Oh. And really lastly, and then I'll call it a night, I took the kids out for dinner last night and a random person who sat near us complimented the kids on how well behaved they are. Then this afternoon DD, out of the blue, told me that I'm a good mommy.
Despite how hard this week has been...and I still have some more time to go...my heart is overflowing with love and appreciation right now.
/end book
Showing posts with label truths. Show all posts
Showing posts with label truths. Show all posts
Thursday, February 7, 2013
Saturday, February 2, 2013
2012 in Review
I haven't done one of these things since 2009, so I pulled it from my fb and I'm going to do one for 2012 here!
1. What did you do in 2012 that you'd never done before?
I went to a Christmas party at the big snow-colored house where the president of the country and his family lives and got my picture made with that same guy and his wife and BF.
2. Did you keep your new year's resolutions, and will you make more for next year?
I didn't make any last year and I didn't make any this year. I never keep them!
3. Did anyone close to you give birth?
Hmm..I don't think so.
4. Did anyone close to you die?
No, thank goodness.
5. What countries did you visit?
I stayed in the good ol' U.S. of A. the whole year!
6. What would you like to have in 2013 that you lacked in 2012?
I would like to have the ability to comfortably move out of my parents' house and live on my own. There are a few possibilities that could make that happen.
7. What date from 2012 will remain etched upon your memory, and why?
January 1, 2012 because it was the first transition into the New Year that BF and I spent together and while I don't think it happened on that date, it was the time that we shared our first 'I love you'.
8. What was your biggest achievement of the year?
I don't know if it's really an achievement, but I think taking on the choir at church and decently pulling off the Christmas cantata was quite a feat!
9. What was your biggest failure?
You know, I don't think there were any failures in 2012. The whole thing feels like it was a dream.
10. Did you suffer illness or injury?
Sure, but nothing serious. I had some combination of the flu, bronchitis, a sinus infection, and strep that made me feel like I was going to die at times.
11. What was the best thing you bought?
My new cell phone, I guess.
12. Whose behavior merits celebration?
By the end of the year, DD's! She stopped throwing tantrums at every little thing and is actually cooperative and compliant now.
13. Whose behavior made you appalled and upset?
X's, but nothing compared to before and it was easy to get over.
14. Where did most of your money go?
Bills and savings.
15. What did you get really, really, really excited about?
BF. :)
16. What song will always remind you of 2012?
"Blessing" by Laura Story
17. Compared to this time last year (which I was go based on 2011), are you: Happier or sadder?
Happier, by far!
ii. thinner or fatter?
I don't like the term, but fatter. I prefer healthier!
iii. richer or poorer?
Richer in so many ways.
18. What do you wish you'd done more of?
Praying.
19. What do you wish you'd done less of?
Worrying.
20. How did you spend Christmas?
At home with my family.
21. Did you fall in love in 2012?
No, I was already there.
22. How many one-night stands?
Zero. I've never had a one-night stand and I intend to keep it that way.
23. What was your favorite TV program?
I really liked Storage Wars and Duck Dynasty.
24. Do you hate anyone now that you didn't hate this time last year?
Nope.
25. What was the best book you read?
It's a tie between the "Hunger Games" trilogy and the "Maze Runner" trilogy.
26. What was your greatest musical discovery?
Pentatonix! Though I already knew about them from "The Sing Off", but I forgot about them.
27. What did you want and get?
My great relationship with BF.
28. What was your favorite film of this year?
I don't think I watched any that I really liked enough to watch again.
29. What did you do on your birthday, and how old were you?
I turned 28 and I had already taken the day off work so BF and I could go to Six Flags, though he didn't tell me that was where we were going.
30. What's the one thing that would have made your year immeasurably more satisfying?
Not a thing. 2012 was a great year the way it was.
31. How would you describe your personal fashion concept in 2012?
Comfortable!
32. What kept you sane?
God. Always God.
33. Which celebrity/public figure did you fancy the most?
I don't think I've had a celebrity crush in quite some time.
34. What political issue stirred you the most?
I don't do politics.
35. Who did you miss?
Grandma and Grandpa
36. Who was the best new person you met?
I know it's two people, but BF's dad and step-mom.
37. Tell us a valuable life lesson you learned in 2012:
Your past only defines your future if you allow it to.
38. Quote a song lyric that sums up your year:
"We pray for blessings, we pray for peace
Comfort for family, protection while we sleep
We pray for healing, for prosperity
We pray for Your mighty hand to ease our suffering
And all the while Your hear each spoken need
Yet love is way too much to give us lesser things
We pray for wisdom/Your voice to hear
We cry in anger when we cannot feel You near
We doubt Your goodness/We doubt your love
As if every promise from Your Word is not enough
And all the while You hear each desperate plea
And long that we'd have faith to believe
When friends betray us
When darkness seems to win we know
The pain reminds this heart that this is not
This is not our home
It's not our home
'Cause what if Your blessings come through raindrops
What if Your healing comes through tears
And what if a thousand sleepless nights are what it takes to know You're near
[What if my greatest disappointments
Or the aching of this life
Is the revealing of a greater thirst this world can't satisfy]
And what if trials of this life
[The rain, the storms, the hardest nights]
Are Your mercies in disguise?"
Blessing -- Laura Story
1. What did you do in 2012 that you'd never done before?
I went to a Christmas party at the big snow-colored house where the president of the country and his family lives and got my picture made with that same guy and his wife and BF.
2. Did you keep your new year's resolutions, and will you make more for next year?
I didn't make any last year and I didn't make any this year. I never keep them!
3. Did anyone close to you give birth?
Hmm..I don't think so.
4. Did anyone close to you die?
No, thank goodness.
5. What countries did you visit?
I stayed in the good ol' U.S. of A. the whole year!
6. What would you like to have in 2013 that you lacked in 2012?
I would like to have the ability to comfortably move out of my parents' house and live on my own. There are a few possibilities that could make that happen.
7. What date from 2012 will remain etched upon your memory, and why?
January 1, 2012 because it was the first transition into the New Year that BF and I spent together and while I don't think it happened on that date, it was the time that we shared our first 'I love you'.
8. What was your biggest achievement of the year?
I don't know if it's really an achievement, but I think taking on the choir at church and decently pulling off the Christmas cantata was quite a feat!
9. What was your biggest failure?
You know, I don't think there were any failures in 2012. The whole thing feels like it was a dream.
10. Did you suffer illness or injury?
Sure, but nothing serious. I had some combination of the flu, bronchitis, a sinus infection, and strep that made me feel like I was going to die at times.
11. What was the best thing you bought?
My new cell phone, I guess.
12. Whose behavior merits celebration?
By the end of the year, DD's! She stopped throwing tantrums at every little thing and is actually cooperative and compliant now.
13. Whose behavior made you appalled and upset?
X's, but nothing compared to before and it was easy to get over.
14. Where did most of your money go?
Bills and savings.
15. What did you get really, really, really excited about?
BF. :)
16. What song will always remind you of 2012?
"Blessing" by Laura Story
17. Compared to this time last year (which I was go based on 2011), are you: Happier or sadder?
Happier, by far!
ii. thinner or fatter?
I don't like the term, but fatter. I prefer healthier!
iii. richer or poorer?
Richer in so many ways.
18. What do you wish you'd done more of?
Praying.
19. What do you wish you'd done less of?
Worrying.
20. How did you spend Christmas?
At home with my family.
21. Did you fall in love in 2012?
No, I was already there.
22. How many one-night stands?
Zero. I've never had a one-night stand and I intend to keep it that way.
23. What was your favorite TV program?
I really liked Storage Wars and Duck Dynasty.
24. Do you hate anyone now that you didn't hate this time last year?
Nope.
25. What was the best book you read?
It's a tie between the "Hunger Games" trilogy and the "Maze Runner" trilogy.
26. What was your greatest musical discovery?
Pentatonix! Though I already knew about them from "The Sing Off", but I forgot about them.
27. What did you want and get?
My great relationship with BF.
28. What was your favorite film of this year?
I don't think I watched any that I really liked enough to watch again.
29. What did you do on your birthday, and how old were you?
I turned 28 and I had already taken the day off work so BF and I could go to Six Flags, though he didn't tell me that was where we were going.
30. What's the one thing that would have made your year immeasurably more satisfying?
Not a thing. 2012 was a great year the way it was.
31. How would you describe your personal fashion concept in 2012?
Comfortable!
32. What kept you sane?
God. Always God.
33. Which celebrity/public figure did you fancy the most?
I don't think I've had a celebrity crush in quite some time.
34. What political issue stirred you the most?
I don't do politics.
35. Who did you miss?
Grandma and Grandpa
36. Who was the best new person you met?
I know it's two people, but BF's dad and step-mom.
37. Tell us a valuable life lesson you learned in 2012:
Your past only defines your future if you allow it to.
38. Quote a song lyric that sums up your year:
"We pray for blessings, we pray for peace
Comfort for family, protection while we sleep
We pray for healing, for prosperity
We pray for Your mighty hand to ease our suffering
And all the while Your hear each spoken need
Yet love is way too much to give us lesser things
We pray for wisdom/Your voice to hear
We cry in anger when we cannot feel You near
We doubt Your goodness/We doubt your love
As if every promise from Your Word is not enough
And all the while You hear each desperate plea
And long that we'd have faith to believe
When friends betray us
When darkness seems to win we know
The pain reminds this heart that this is not
This is not our home
It's not our home
'Cause what if Your blessings come through raindrops
What if Your healing comes through tears
And what if a thousand sleepless nights are what it takes to know You're near
[What if my greatest disappointments
Or the aching of this life
Is the revealing of a greater thirst this world can't satisfy]
And what if trials of this life
[The rain, the storms, the hardest nights]
Are Your mercies in disguise?"
Blessing -- Laura Story
Saturday, January 26, 2013
Define: Soon
So.
I have a lot to write, but I don't know where to start.
Hmm...
I still haven't heard from X. It's been long enough that's not making any sense to me now. I mean, I had a really strong feeling this would happen, but I just don't understand why. Why would he want to talk to DD on her birthday and meet up with us outside of regular visitation and seem to care and then when he has the chance to do it some more, with the possibility that we could work out something that would give him more time with them, he does nothing? And to top it off, the last time he saw them, he told them that he would take them to Chuck3Ch33s3 and they bring it up almost every day. BF and I took them and BFS there on Wednesday to see if it would get their mind off of it, but they wanted their father to come, too, and that same night when I was getting DD ready for bed, she brought up going with him on Mondays again.
I don't understand her attachment to him. Granted, almost every time he saw them toward the end of last year, he had presents for them. But she remembers when she would spend time at his house and she told me that she cried because she wanted me and didn't want to be there. I think she's just making the connection that Mommies and Daddies have a relationship of some sort. She also brings up how he and I hadn't seen each other for a long time. I don't know how she would know this. She says she just knows. I told her that it was okay that I hadn't seen him and she said it wasn't and "What if he wants to see you?!?!?!" She also threw in there somewhere something about me and him being married.
All I can tell her about all this is that he and I hurt each others' feelings too much to be able to do any of that. I also told her (and maybe this is wrong of me) that one day I could marry someone who could never be her daddy, but he can care about her and love her like a daddy. I didn't name names.
Last Saturday I successfully cooked dinner for the first time in my entire life. Yeah, I know that's pretty bad. I remember attempting a dinner when I was married, but it dried out because I didn't cover it as it baked. Then any other time I tried to cook X took over or he didn't let me cook at all. I tried to cook a chicken dish a few weeks ago and the kids wouldn't eat it and it was very bland and dry. So I tried my hand at lasagna soup and it was great! The kids picked at it, but said it tasted good. BF devoured his and his son's and took home leftovers, and a couple days ago he wanted to know if there was still any left that he could have!
Needless to say, I felt pretty proud of myself. Today I'm going to try to make a zesty italian chicken dish. It's a crock pot meal and it looks delicious. I have to make my own italian seasoning, though. It's in a white sauce and poured over pasta. Mmm...
Regarding the apartment issue, BF had asked me if getting engaged would change my mind (before I discovered the apartment wasn't going to work with my budget). He wasn't trying to talk me out of it, but I think he was concerned what would happen if I moved out and then he proposed. And of course he was saying that I know that it's going to happen soon. I think soon for him is different than soon for me. When I tell my kids we're going to do something soon, I mean in 1-2 weeks. I'm pretty sure he's been saying "soon" since before Thanksgiving. So I'm not going to think too much about that and try to plan around something that probably isn't going to happen my kind of "soon". So I have a certain invisible deadline/timeline where if it doesn't happen, then I will start looking for an apartment again. I'm not using it as an ultimatum for him, since he doesn't know that's my plan, it's just me allowing more time for things to happen before going through with my own plans.
I hope there's nothing wrong with doing that.
Besides, my annual review is coming up at work in February...or at least it should be. It's possible that I could get another raise, though I'm not expecting it at all. I can't imagine getting another one. I didn't expect any of them that I did get. So I want to wait and see what happens with that. If it falls after my invisible deadline, then I'll push the deadline back a little, or at least until I do get my review.
Now I think it's time to bundle myself and the kids up and go out to play in the snow!!
I have a lot to write, but I don't know where to start.
Hmm...
I still haven't heard from X. It's been long enough that's not making any sense to me now. I mean, I had a really strong feeling this would happen, but I just don't understand why. Why would he want to talk to DD on her birthday and meet up with us outside of regular visitation and seem to care and then when he has the chance to do it some more, with the possibility that we could work out something that would give him more time with them, he does nothing? And to top it off, the last time he saw them, he told them that he would take them to Chuck3Ch33s3 and they bring it up almost every day. BF and I took them and BFS there on Wednesday to see if it would get their mind off of it, but they wanted their father to come, too, and that same night when I was getting DD ready for bed, she brought up going with him on Mondays again.
I don't understand her attachment to him. Granted, almost every time he saw them toward the end of last year, he had presents for them. But she remembers when she would spend time at his house and she told me that she cried because she wanted me and didn't want to be there. I think she's just making the connection that Mommies and Daddies have a relationship of some sort. She also brings up how he and I hadn't seen each other for a long time. I don't know how she would know this. She says she just knows. I told her that it was okay that I hadn't seen him and she said it wasn't and "What if he wants to see you?!?!?!" She also threw in there somewhere something about me and him being married.
All I can tell her about all this is that he and I hurt each others' feelings too much to be able to do any of that. I also told her (and maybe this is wrong of me) that one day I could marry someone who could never be her daddy, but he can care about her and love her like a daddy. I didn't name names.
Last Saturday I successfully cooked dinner for the first time in my entire life. Yeah, I know that's pretty bad. I remember attempting a dinner when I was married, but it dried out because I didn't cover it as it baked. Then any other time I tried to cook X took over or he didn't let me cook at all. I tried to cook a chicken dish a few weeks ago and the kids wouldn't eat it and it was very bland and dry. So I tried my hand at lasagna soup and it was great! The kids picked at it, but said it tasted good. BF devoured his and his son's and took home leftovers, and a couple days ago he wanted to know if there was still any left that he could have!
Needless to say, I felt pretty proud of myself. Today I'm going to try to make a zesty italian chicken dish. It's a crock pot meal and it looks delicious. I have to make my own italian seasoning, though. It's in a white sauce and poured over pasta. Mmm...
Regarding the apartment issue, BF had asked me if getting engaged would change my mind (before I discovered the apartment wasn't going to work with my budget). He wasn't trying to talk me out of it, but I think he was concerned what would happen if I moved out and then he proposed. And of course he was saying that I know that it's going to happen soon. I think soon for him is different than soon for me. When I tell my kids we're going to do something soon, I mean in 1-2 weeks. I'm pretty sure he's been saying "soon" since before Thanksgiving. So I'm not going to think too much about that and try to plan around something that probably isn't going to happen my kind of "soon". So I have a certain invisible deadline/timeline where if it doesn't happen, then I will start looking for an apartment again. I'm not using it as an ultimatum for him, since he doesn't know that's my plan, it's just me allowing more time for things to happen before going through with my own plans.
I hope there's nothing wrong with doing that.
Besides, my annual review is coming up at work in February...or at least it should be. It's possible that I could get another raise, though I'm not expecting it at all. I can't imagine getting another one. I didn't expect any of them that I did get. So I want to wait and see what happens with that. If it falls after my invisible deadline, then I'll push the deadline back a little, or at least until I do get my review.
Now I think it's time to bundle myself and the kids up and go out to play in the snow!!
Monday, January 21, 2013
Everything happens for a reason
The apartment meeting went well.
I found the apartment complex online Friday evening through a famous website, clicked the link to send them an e-mail, then filled them in on my financial/credit/personal situation. I wasn't giving them a sob story, I just wanted to put all the details out there so I could get a straight answer and not waste my or their time. I got a call maybe 2 minutes later from the property manager and we set up an appointment to meet and run my application Saturday morning after a few basic questions.
This place looks like it would have been great for me and my little family. It allowed pets, it had a playground, it looked clean, it was older, but it looked safe and family-friendly.
So I went in there and the lady put in my information. By 2:30 that afternoon I had been 100% approved. I was amazed. My kids were excited. I was praying about it, asking to be shown that it is the right place for us and the right thing to do.
I was making a list yesterday of what I would need to buy before I moved in there and I decided to sit down and run my budget numbers again...they turned out differently than the last time I ran them. It just didn't have enough take-home pay. I think when I looked at it before, I was looking as my gross pay, which is much more. I could've still made it with the money I've saved already, but I wouldn't have had the ability to replenish my savings unless I received a significant raise at work. And actuallly, if I had been receiving full child support like I'm supposed to, I could've managed it, but I haven't received a full payment since it got switched over to MD.
So I had to contact the lady and tell her that I couldn't do it. I am so disappointed and embarrassed.
BF was being supportive of it and so was my mother (which I was surprised about). But I'm glad I caught the number error before I signed the lease.
I guess I'm making myself disappointed by not going through with it even though I know I could manage it, but I feel like I'm being more responsible. At least now I know that I am capable of being approved so that if something else happens to drop in my lap, I shouldn't have a problem regarding my credit.
I keep telling myself that everything happens for a reason and the budget error is a sign that it's not what I'm supposed to be doing or where I'm supposed to be right now.
I think I'll actually believe it one day.
I found the apartment complex online Friday evening through a famous website, clicked the link to send them an e-mail, then filled them in on my financial/credit/personal situation. I wasn't giving them a sob story, I just wanted to put all the details out there so I could get a straight answer and not waste my or their time. I got a call maybe 2 minutes later from the property manager and we set up an appointment to meet and run my application Saturday morning after a few basic questions.
This place looks like it would have been great for me and my little family. It allowed pets, it had a playground, it looked clean, it was older, but it looked safe and family-friendly.
So I went in there and the lady put in my information. By 2:30 that afternoon I had been 100% approved. I was amazed. My kids were excited. I was praying about it, asking to be shown that it is the right place for us and the right thing to do.
I was making a list yesterday of what I would need to buy before I moved in there and I decided to sit down and run my budget numbers again...they turned out differently than the last time I ran them. It just didn't have enough take-home pay. I think when I looked at it before, I was looking as my gross pay, which is much more. I could've still made it with the money I've saved already, but I wouldn't have had the ability to replenish my savings unless I received a significant raise at work. And actuallly, if I had been receiving full child support like I'm supposed to, I could've managed it, but I haven't received a full payment since it got switched over to MD.
So I had to contact the lady and tell her that I couldn't do it. I am so disappointed and embarrassed.
BF was being supportive of it and so was my mother (which I was surprised about). But I'm glad I caught the number error before I signed the lease.
I guess I'm making myself disappointed by not going through with it even though I know I could manage it, but I feel like I'm being more responsible. At least now I know that I am capable of being approved so that if something else happens to drop in my lap, I shouldn't have a problem regarding my credit.
I keep telling myself that everything happens for a reason and the budget error is a sign that it's not what I'm supposed to be doing or where I'm supposed to be right now.
I think I'll actually believe it one day.
Friday, January 18, 2013
You're a monster
I was essentially labeled an emotional monster by mother just now.
She thinks the birth control or BF has to go.
I don't think she can solely blame my moods on those two things.
There are a lot of factors playing into this.
Single mom
A toddler and a preschooler
Custody issues
Waking up before 4 am for work every week day
Dating another single parent
Living with my parents
Working full-time
Having trouble sleeping
Who knows what else.
I'm just plain exhausted all the time. I have no social life. I get chewed out about something every day. I have no privacy or freedom. BF and I have no alone time anymore.
But somehow it all boils down to those two things.
I'm not refilling my prescription this week.
I think all I really want is to be left alone for a little while.
And to have a good hard cry.
She thinks the birth control or BF has to go.
I don't think she can solely blame my moods on those two things.
There are a lot of factors playing into this.
Single mom
A toddler and a preschooler
Custody issues
Waking up before 4 am for work every week day
Dating another single parent
Living with my parents
Working full-time
Having trouble sleeping
Who knows what else.
I'm just plain exhausted all the time. I have no social life. I get chewed out about something every day. I have no privacy or freedom. BF and I have no alone time anymore.
But somehow it all boils down to those two things.
I'm not refilling my prescription this week.
I think all I really want is to be left alone for a little while.
And to have a good hard cry.
Saturday, January 12, 2013
On a happier note...
Supervised visitation is no more. Or at least the way we've been doing it, it's no more. The lady who has been supervising got pretty upset with X when he didn't show that week and after she called and left him numerous messages and never got to talk to him, she decided it had been long enough and that he's unmotivated and we're out of their jurisdiction now, so they weren't going to do it anymore. She said that we're smart enough to figure something out on our own.
So last Monday was the last one. I'm kind of glad that I got to take them up there for it because I had the opportunity to say goodbye and thank her for everything she did for us.
Guess how soon I heard from X about arranging something else?
...I'm still waiting to hear from him. That boggles BF's mind because he said if it were him, he would have called the next day, if not that same night. I've tried to explain to him that this is the way it has always been. I'm curious how long it will be before I do hear from him. Then I have the thought that maybe it's my responsibility to try to set things up. But my part of the situation is ideal. I don't want to change anything. So I keep telling myself that if he really wants to see them and he really wants something to change, then HE needs to initiate and reach out to make something happen.
I'll work with him. He knows this from our meeting a few weeks ago. But if he thinks I'll switch to unsupervised, he's lost his mind.
Regarding those last few entries again...
BF and I talked a lot about stuff last night and some time during the week we talked about the whole engagement/marriage thing. I tried to put my feelings in a way that he would understand by saying it's like if I were to agree to move in with him and say I was doing things to get ready to move it, but not telling him what I'm doing. Then keep saying the same things over and over...yes, I'm getting ready to move in, I just can't do it yet...there are things holding me up, but I'm working on them. No visible evidence that would show that I'm actually doing something about it, just what I say. Then 6 months go by and I still haven't moved in. I know he would be really frustrated and hound me about what's taking so long or he would think I'm lying and I really don't want to move in at all.
I think he finally got it and hasn't brought up anything since.
And while I complain a lot (these blogs I keep tend to be for venting, since I feel like I have no one to talk to about these things), I do love him dearly. I get frustrated and a little emotionally hurt, but I still can't imagine spending my life with anyone else. And the hurt and frustration are nothing compared to the other good feelings I have the rest of the time.
And if I spend the rest of my life dating him, I'm okay with that. I don't think I've ever been this happy in my entire life. Well, besides the days my children were born. I was so happy I cried on those days. But as a whole, even having been through what I have been through and not being in an ideal living situation, I'm so happy with BF and BFS and my kiddos and I don't want to lose any of it if it meant that I would lose any of them.
So if he wants to propose, he will do it when he's ready to.
Until that happens, I will continue to enjoy what we do have because it is amazing and I wouldn't trade it for the world.
Friday, January 4, 2013
Consistently inconsistent
I should get extra points for being consistently inconsistent. As much as I want to update on a regular basis, I never do. I think about it a couple times per week, but I don't feel like I have anything important enough to say.
The same feelings I had in the last real entry I wrote are still there. Not the borderline mental, medication-induced feelings that I didn't realize were affecting others.
People keep asking me about when I'm going to get engaged. I just shrug my shoulders or throw my hands up in the air or just give them the good ol' "I don't know".
I almost feel like this is a form of emotional torture.
Nearly every day there's mention of living together, "When we get married...", "things will be changing soon...", questions of what kind of wedding I'd want, etc.
As far as I'm concerned, there's no wedding to plan for. No house to look for. For me, it's IF we get married.
I feel like a spoiled brat, getting in a bad mood because it hasn't happened yet and he's making me hope for it so badly.
He says in his head we're already married. I think I've mentioned that before. The reality is, again, that we are not. We're not even on the road to getting married.
This has been going on for months now.
My mom mentioned the other night that she thought for sure it would have happened before the new year. She thinks he's just afraid. He and I have talked about it before and he says he's not.
The thing is, it's been so long of hearing it that I'm starting to not believe him.
My first thought when he says how much he misses me or how much he wishes we were living together already or he can't wait until the day we are married is "Yeah, right".
That's not normal. *frowny face*
Actions speak louder than words...and all there is is words. Lots of them. Lots of the same words. Sounds coming out of his mouth.
I've told him that I don't believe him sometimes.
I don't know who is the one who is abnormal, here. Me or him. It has me frustrated to the point of tears. I feel like I'm doing something wrong.
I thought if someone wanted something that badly, they would get it as soon as they could. I also thought that men typically kept these things to themselves until the day it happens...I mean, I have prior experience with that part.
I'm just going to take a moment... p98y t4 saeu,sam4 m,.tmn,zdf.vbmc qer
I feel a little better now.
In other news, my kids are 3 and 5 years old now. I had some nice cuddle time with DD before she went to bed this evening. They are both jigsaw puzzle lovers and are constantly putting them together. They also play really well together and it's cute to hear them pretending to play house. They also know how to fight like professionals.
There have been some custody/visitation issues. My mom won't take the kids to visitation anymore, so I have to start leaving work early every Monday. So no more date night for me and BF. X has been bad about making it to visitation. He has cancelled quite a bit over the last couple of months and the last scheduled one, he didn't even show. The people who supervise want to close our case. I did meet up with him outside of normal visitation so he could see the kids and give them birthday/Christmas gifts. BF came with me, of course. That was a little uncomfortable.
BF wants to talk now, so I guess I'll close. Maybe I'll write more tomorrow...probably not.
The same feelings I had in the last real entry I wrote are still there. Not the borderline mental, medication-induced feelings that I didn't realize were affecting others.
People keep asking me about when I'm going to get engaged. I just shrug my shoulders or throw my hands up in the air or just give them the good ol' "I don't know".
I almost feel like this is a form of emotional torture.
Nearly every day there's mention of living together, "When we get married...", "things will be changing soon...", questions of what kind of wedding I'd want, etc.
As far as I'm concerned, there's no wedding to plan for. No house to look for. For me, it's IF we get married.
I feel like a spoiled brat, getting in a bad mood because it hasn't happened yet and he's making me hope for it so badly.
He says in his head we're already married. I think I've mentioned that before. The reality is, again, that we are not. We're not even on the road to getting married.
This has been going on for months now.
My mom mentioned the other night that she thought for sure it would have happened before the new year. She thinks he's just afraid. He and I have talked about it before and he says he's not.
The thing is, it's been so long of hearing it that I'm starting to not believe him.
My first thought when he says how much he misses me or how much he wishes we were living together already or he can't wait until the day we are married is "Yeah, right".
That's not normal. *frowny face*
Actions speak louder than words...and all there is is words. Lots of them. Lots of the same words. Sounds coming out of his mouth.
I've told him that I don't believe him sometimes.
I don't know who is the one who is abnormal, here. Me or him. It has me frustrated to the point of tears. I feel like I'm doing something wrong.
I thought if someone wanted something that badly, they would get it as soon as they could. I also thought that men typically kept these things to themselves until the day it happens...I mean, I have prior experience with that part.
I'm just going to take a moment... p98y t4 saeu,sam4 m,.tmn,zdf.vbmc qer
I feel a little better now.
In other news, my kids are 3 and 5 years old now. I had some nice cuddle time with DD before she went to bed this evening. They are both jigsaw puzzle lovers and are constantly putting them together. They also play really well together and it's cute to hear them pretending to play house. They also know how to fight like professionals.
There have been some custody/visitation issues. My mom won't take the kids to visitation anymore, so I have to start leaving work early every Monday. So no more date night for me and BF. X has been bad about making it to visitation. He has cancelled quite a bit over the last couple of months and the last scheduled one, he didn't even show. The people who supervise want to close our case. I did meet up with him outside of normal visitation so he could see the kids and give them birthday/Christmas gifts. BF came with me, of course. That was a little uncomfortable.
BF wants to talk now, so I guess I'll close. Maybe I'll write more tomorrow...probably not.
Saturday, December 15, 2012
Cannot sleep
I think it gives me insomnia, too. I don't remember the last time I was up this late, doing something like this.
Okay, I'm done for today.
Okay, I'm done for today.
Talk talk talk it over
Well, we ended up talking about it tonight. I guess he felt my bad mood and I was taking it out on him and I didn't realize how bad it was.
If any of that made sense.
I feel a little better after talking, he says he feels better, too.
I decided to look up the side-effects of the medications I'm on. A possible side effect of prednisone is depression. I've had these feelings for weeks now (about the words words words), but didn't feel like this until the day after I took my first 3-pill dose of the steroid.
So just like that other birth control I was on, no prednisone. I'll finish out this bottle I have because it's already tapering off, but there has to be an alternative if I ever need it again...if it's even working.
I don't feel like myself and it's making me think the crazy thoughts again.
I'm not blaming it on the medication entirely. Like I said, I already had my frustrations. But I didn't treat my boyfriend like crap over it until now.
Follow-up appointment with my primary care on Monday. Maybe I can do something about it then. Otherwise, I have to make it to Thursday.
I don't know if I'll even be able to stand myself for that long.
Sad face.
I'm sorry, BF.
If any of that made sense.
I feel a little better after talking, he says he feels better, too.
I decided to look up the side-effects of the medications I'm on. A possible side effect of prednisone is depression. I've had these feelings for weeks now (about the words words words), but didn't feel like this until the day after I took my first 3-pill dose of the steroid.
So just like that other birth control I was on, no prednisone. I'll finish out this bottle I have because it's already tapering off, but there has to be an alternative if I ever need it again...if it's even working.
I don't feel like myself and it's making me think the crazy thoughts again.
I'm not blaming it on the medication entirely. Like I said, I already had my frustrations. But I didn't treat my boyfriend like crap over it until now.
Follow-up appointment with my primary care on Monday. Maybe I can do something about it then. Otherwise, I have to make it to Thursday.
I don't know if I'll even be able to stand myself for that long.
Sad face.
I'm sorry, BF.
Stop feeding me blah blah blah
I've been sick for 3 weeks now. I finally went to the doctor on Wednesday and was diagnosed with bronchitis and eventually some kind of strep. On top of that I think I had the worst sinus infection I've ever had and the antibiotic they put me on got rid of that in 24 hours, but I still feel the pain sometimes. They also put me on prednisone and gave me an inhaler for my coughing attacks.
I don't know if it's the meds or being sick for so long or maybe I'm just frustrated with things in general, but I have been in some foul mood...especially when it comes to BF.
He is just all talk talk talk but no action. What is that song by Ke$ha? "Blah blah blah blahblahblah blah blah Comin' outcha mouth witcha blah blah blah..."
There are so many things he says and then doesn't follow through. Or he puts it into some code that I'm figuring out on my own. Like, "I'll see what I can do..." or "I don't think..." or "I'll try" means that it's not going to happen. He just doesn't want to flat out tell me so. Instead, he gets my hopes up and even though now I know what it means, I still hope. I mean, for goodness sake...just tell me so I can get past the disappointment and move on to something else.
He said that he doesn't come have lunch with me on Fridays anymore all the time because he doesn't want me to get used to it. Nope, he doesn't come at all now and hasn't since last spring. If you don't want to come anymore, just say so! Don't try to pretty it up and make it seem like you're trying to do something good or special when you have no intention of doing it at all. I just get disappointed every single Friday because there's that tiny glimmer of hope that maybe he'll actually do it this time. I usually don't hear from him at all on Fridays. Maybe at 8:30 in the morning, then after that -- nothing.
"I'm never too busy for you."
"If I were there right now, I'd go out of my way to see you."
"I'll have to make sure I stop by and see you."
But he is too busy.
But when he is around, he doesn't go out of his way to see me.
And he doesn't stop by and see me.
He says he wants to marry me. He talks about it constantly. He won't tell me his plan. He told me some of the things that are holding things up...things that are petty and I don't care about and he knows this. I feel like they're excuses to put it off. And that's fine. Just stop talking about it, please.
The sad thing is, I've already discussed these things with him and how it makes me feel, but it doesn't stop.
And my mother, in a conversation we had a few weeks ago about something else, said that I can't get on him about this stuff because then he'll stop talking to me about anything.
So what am I supposed to do?
I find myself on the verge of tears because all of this stuff gradually builds up and it's especially difficult when he asks me what's wrong and I feel like I can't talk to him about it because I don't want to be a nag.
I can feel myself putting my walls back up.
I'm so tired of being fed words, words, and more words just because he thinks it's what I want to hear. I just want the truth, even if it's hurts a little. At least the hurt and disappointment is over quickly instead of being dragged out for weeks and months.
Maybe I'm just being immature about the whole thing.
/end venting session
I don't know if it's the meds or being sick for so long or maybe I'm just frustrated with things in general, but I have been in some foul mood...especially when it comes to BF.
He is just all talk talk talk but no action. What is that song by Ke$ha? "Blah blah blah blahblahblah blah blah Comin' outcha mouth witcha blah blah blah..."
There are so many things he says and then doesn't follow through. Or he puts it into some code that I'm figuring out on my own. Like, "I'll see what I can do..." or "I don't think..." or "I'll try" means that it's not going to happen. He just doesn't want to flat out tell me so. Instead, he gets my hopes up and even though now I know what it means, I still hope. I mean, for goodness sake...just tell me so I can get past the disappointment and move on to something else.
He said that he doesn't come have lunch with me on Fridays anymore all the time because he doesn't want me to get used to it. Nope, he doesn't come at all now and hasn't since last spring. If you don't want to come anymore, just say so! Don't try to pretty it up and make it seem like you're trying to do something good or special when you have no intention of doing it at all. I just get disappointed every single Friday because there's that tiny glimmer of hope that maybe he'll actually do it this time. I usually don't hear from him at all on Fridays. Maybe at 8:30 in the morning, then after that -- nothing.
"I'm never too busy for you."
"If I were there right now, I'd go out of my way to see you."
"I'll have to make sure I stop by and see you."
But he is too busy.
But when he is around, he doesn't go out of his way to see me.
And he doesn't stop by and see me.
He says he wants to marry me. He talks about it constantly. He won't tell me his plan. He told me some of the things that are holding things up...things that are petty and I don't care about and he knows this. I feel like they're excuses to put it off. And that's fine. Just stop talking about it, please.
The sad thing is, I've already discussed these things with him and how it makes me feel, but it doesn't stop.
And my mother, in a conversation we had a few weeks ago about something else, said that I can't get on him about this stuff because then he'll stop talking to me about anything.
So what am I supposed to do?
I find myself on the verge of tears because all of this stuff gradually builds up and it's especially difficult when he asks me what's wrong and I feel like I can't talk to him about it because I don't want to be a nag.
I can feel myself putting my walls back up.
I'm so tired of being fed words, words, and more words just because he thinks it's what I want to hear. I just want the truth, even if it's hurts a little. At least the hurt and disappointment is over quickly instead of being dragged out for weeks and months.
Maybe I'm just being immature about the whole thing.
/end venting session
Saturday, November 10, 2012
Fifth time's a charm
I don't know how many times I've sat down at the computer, typed out an entire entry, then ended up deleting the while thing and walked away. I think I've done it at least 4 times. Hopefully this doesn't turn into the fifth. Haha!
So many things have been going on that I just don't feel like I've written enough when I do write. I don't know why I feel like I have to fully disclose everything. I guess I like to look back and re-read these things from time to time, but I don't think there would be anything important that I absolutely have a to have included.
Actually, there are two things: we celebrated DS's third birthday at the end of October and my and BF's first exclusive dating anniversary.
I can't believe DS is 3 years old. It feels like he was just born yesterday, and now he's a walking, talking, master jigsaw puzzle solving, alphabet reciting, singing, block building, counting, almost preschooler. Last year he didn't do much of anything of those things. He has grown so much. And he's such a sweet little guy. He's a cuddler, for sure. If he spots me sitting down, he has to sit on my lap. When I pick him up from daycare or come home after work, he immediately runs up to me and grabs my legs and nuzzles his face into them.
I'm really glad BF has gotten to see him grow in this way. When we're all out together in public, he looks like he could be their father...though not in looks. But the way they cling to him and he takes charge in looking after them, it could easily be mistaken. If someone asks, he is quick to point out that BFS is his own and the other two are mine.
It's so awkward, but I guess that's what you're supposed to do.
I haven't seen BFS all that much, but I feel like we made some great strides a few days ago during family night. BF and I spent the day together for our anniversary and then picked up BFS from the bus stop and then my kids from daycare. Then we all went to the grocery store to pick up dinner items and BFS held my hand for the first time! And sometimes he'd grab my arm and rest his head against it. I thought my heart was going to explode, it was so touching and I felt so close to him just in that moment.
So despite not spending a lot of time with him, maybe 3 hours a week, we're making progress.
Speaking of progress...BF has been talking marriage a lot lately. He said he was looking at rings and he keeps asking me about wedding plans and picking a warmer anniversary date. I still struggle with talking about future plans when at this point it's not a guarantee that we have anything to plan for. Granted, even when we are engaged it's not a guarantee, but it's certainly more likely to happen. Yesterday he said he can't wait until I'm his wife, and I wanted to say, "THAT'S WHAT AN ENGAGED MAN WOULD SAY TO HIS FIANCEE!!!" But I didn't. Because I'm not psycho and I don't want to push him into something before he's ready. Though I don't think I'd really be pushing...but if it's what he wanted now, you'd think it would already be done. Does that make sense?
I honestly think that in his head we're already engaged. I think if he could, he'd skip that whole part and just get married right away.
I guess that's a good thing. I thought it was usually women who thought that way, but he has certainly made it clear that he is more than ready and super excited to move onto that part of our lives together.
I think I'm officially meeting his mom next weekend. That randomly came up when we talked last night. I'm thinking that's the thing he's been waiting for before we do move forward.
So I have a gut feeling that there could be some exciting news to be shared in the near future, though I'm not going to try to predict when.
I guess that's all for now. I think I'll actually post this one!
Until next time...
So many things have been going on that I just don't feel like I've written enough when I do write. I don't know why I feel like I have to fully disclose everything. I guess I like to look back and re-read these things from time to time, but I don't think there would be anything important that I absolutely have a to have included.
Actually, there are two things: we celebrated DS's third birthday at the end of October and my and BF's first exclusive dating anniversary.
I can't believe DS is 3 years old. It feels like he was just born yesterday, and now he's a walking, talking, master jigsaw puzzle solving, alphabet reciting, singing, block building, counting, almost preschooler. Last year he didn't do much of anything of those things. He has grown so much. And he's such a sweet little guy. He's a cuddler, for sure. If he spots me sitting down, he has to sit on my lap. When I pick him up from daycare or come home after work, he immediately runs up to me and grabs my legs and nuzzles his face into them.
I'm really glad BF has gotten to see him grow in this way. When we're all out together in public, he looks like he could be their father...though not in looks. But the way they cling to him and he takes charge in looking after them, it could easily be mistaken. If someone asks, he is quick to point out that BFS is his own and the other two are mine.
It's so awkward, but I guess that's what you're supposed to do.
I haven't seen BFS all that much, but I feel like we made some great strides a few days ago during family night. BF and I spent the day together for our anniversary and then picked up BFS from the bus stop and then my kids from daycare. Then we all went to the grocery store to pick up dinner items and BFS held my hand for the first time! And sometimes he'd grab my arm and rest his head against it. I thought my heart was going to explode, it was so touching and I felt so close to him just in that moment.
So despite not spending a lot of time with him, maybe 3 hours a week, we're making progress.
Speaking of progress...BF has been talking marriage a lot lately. He said he was looking at rings and he keeps asking me about wedding plans and picking a warmer anniversary date. I still struggle with talking about future plans when at this point it's not a guarantee that we have anything to plan for. Granted, even when we are engaged it's not a guarantee, but it's certainly more likely to happen. Yesterday he said he can't wait until I'm his wife, and I wanted to say, "THAT'S WHAT AN ENGAGED MAN WOULD SAY TO HIS FIANCEE!!!" But I didn't. Because I'm not psycho and I don't want to push him into something before he's ready. Though I don't think I'd really be pushing...but if it's what he wanted now, you'd think it would already be done. Does that make sense?
I honestly think that in his head we're already engaged. I think if he could, he'd skip that whole part and just get married right away.
I guess that's a good thing. I thought it was usually women who thought that way, but he has certainly made it clear that he is more than ready and super excited to move onto that part of our lives together.
I think I'm officially meeting his mom next weekend. That randomly came up when we talked last night. I'm thinking that's the thing he's been waiting for before we do move forward.
So I have a gut feeling that there could be some exciting news to be shared in the near future, though I'm not going to try to predict when.
I guess that's all for now. I think I'll actually post this one!
Until next time...
Thursday, September 20, 2012
As someone who cares
Well...so far, so good on the pill front. I've only been on the new one for about 2 full weeks, but I feel pretty normal. I haven't had any irrational thoughts and I'm not breaking out too badly. The doctor/nurse said it would take a few months to become accustomed to it, but I'm pretty happy with them right now.
X has been asking to discuss with me over the last few months the situation with the kids. Between taking 24+ hours to reply or replying when I'm already in bed, it would go up to two months before he'd mention anything again. So couple weeks ago we finally "discussed" the situation and got nowhere. He told me before that nothing that is in the current custody order is an issue anymore, which I know is not the case. I know he and TOW (who, from now on will be known as XW) are together and that they're expecting a child at the end of the month. I alluded the fact that I know more than he thinks I know and that his dishonesty and lack of good judgment are huge issues for me. He made it seem like I was referring to divorce issues and basically told me that anything that needed to be discussed couldn't be done outside of a courtroom.
So I'm waiting for something from the court.
If he thinks for a second that I'm willingly going to let him take my children around someone who is abusive, he is out of his mind. It's bad enough that he's putting himself in that situation (and soon his newborn son) and if that's what he wants to do, I don't care, but why in the world would he want to subject his kids to that? Even if she didn't do anything to them, it's bad enough if they see them fighting or abusing each other.
I truly do just want to protect them. They are healthy and they are happy and in no way am I punishing them like he says I am. And I don't know how he thinks he can take them out to do things when he can't even pay his child support and he has another kid on the way who he will have to support and care for as well.
I'll just have to wait and see what happens.
Things with BF seem to be going well, still. I had a few days where I was feeling a bit dejected by him and Monday we had a heart to heart about it. I hadn't said anything to him about it because I was trying to figure out if it was something that I was supposed to be upset about or if I was being unreasonable. We had watched a movie about a couple that had been engaged for 5 years and things got really bad over that period of time. After the movie was over he was asking me if I was having doubts about him and all the stuff on my mind came out.
The bad thing was that I had no solution for anything I said. They were just feelings I had and I still had no clue what to make of them.
The good thing was that he listened. He listened! Oh my gosh, I can't even begin to tell you how nice it was to be able to talk to someone like that not have the blame immediately placed on me or to be told that I'm being ridiculous. He said that my feelings are my feelings and I shouldn't feel bad for what I feel. He tried to talk it out with me and has since made an effort to try and fix things, even though we don't even know if those things are really a problem or even the root of the problem.
Just talking about it made me feel better. Now that I'm writing, I think the problem may have been that I felt like he just didn't or wouldn't care. The things he did added to the things he said (and those things probably shouldn't have been added together) just didn't send out a good message and I didn't think he would care how I felt or even want to talk about it.
But he did care and he did want to talk.
Words can't describe how much I appreciate that and how much it makes me adore him even more. Thinking about it gets me a little choked up.
Yeah, I have no doubts. I don't know for certain what the future holds, but I do know that he is a truly good man and I am so blessed for having him in my life.
Now I can't stop smiling!
X has been asking to discuss with me over the last few months the situation with the kids. Between taking 24+ hours to reply or replying when I'm already in bed, it would go up to two months before he'd mention anything again. So couple weeks ago we finally "discussed" the situation and got nowhere. He told me before that nothing that is in the current custody order is an issue anymore, which I know is not the case. I know he and TOW (who, from now on will be known as XW) are together and that they're expecting a child at the end of the month. I alluded the fact that I know more than he thinks I know and that his dishonesty and lack of good judgment are huge issues for me. He made it seem like I was referring to divorce issues and basically told me that anything that needed to be discussed couldn't be done outside of a courtroom.
So I'm waiting for something from the court.
If he thinks for a second that I'm willingly going to let him take my children around someone who is abusive, he is out of his mind. It's bad enough that he's putting himself in that situation (and soon his newborn son) and if that's what he wants to do, I don't care, but why in the world would he want to subject his kids to that? Even if she didn't do anything to them, it's bad enough if they see them fighting or abusing each other.
I truly do just want to protect them. They are healthy and they are happy and in no way am I punishing them like he says I am. And I don't know how he thinks he can take them out to do things when he can't even pay his child support and he has another kid on the way who he will have to support and care for as well.
I'll just have to wait and see what happens.
Things with BF seem to be going well, still. I had a few days where I was feeling a bit dejected by him and Monday we had a heart to heart about it. I hadn't said anything to him about it because I was trying to figure out if it was something that I was supposed to be upset about or if I was being unreasonable. We had watched a movie about a couple that had been engaged for 5 years and things got really bad over that period of time. After the movie was over he was asking me if I was having doubts about him and all the stuff on my mind came out.
The bad thing was that I had no solution for anything I said. They were just feelings I had and I still had no clue what to make of them.
The good thing was that he listened. He listened! Oh my gosh, I can't even begin to tell you how nice it was to be able to talk to someone like that not have the blame immediately placed on me or to be told that I'm being ridiculous. He said that my feelings are my feelings and I shouldn't feel bad for what I feel. He tried to talk it out with me and has since made an effort to try and fix things, even though we don't even know if those things are really a problem or even the root of the problem.
Just talking about it made me feel better. Now that I'm writing, I think the problem may have been that I felt like he just didn't or wouldn't care. The things he did added to the things he said (and those things probably shouldn't have been added together) just didn't send out a good message and I didn't think he would care how I felt or even want to talk about it.
But he did care and he did want to talk.
Words can't describe how much I appreciate that and how much it makes me adore him even more. Thinking about it gets me a little choked up.
Yeah, I have no doubts. I don't know for certain what the future holds, but I do know that he is a truly good man and I am so blessed for having him in my life.
Now I can't stop smiling!
Tuesday, September 4, 2012
My babies aren't babies anymore
Well, I was in bed dozing when BF wanted to call and wish me a goodnight. Now I'm wide awake and I'll bet he's already fast asleep.
So I shall write.
I've had the strange urge to clean and organize lately. The bad thing about it is that I don't have time! I have a song to record for choir, plus two others I'd like to record so I can sing with them in the future. The choir song is most important, though. I work full time and have the two kiddos and try to add in time to see BF. I thought I would have plenty of time over the long weekend, but it seems like that extra time was pulled right out from under me.
I've really been looking at the kids in the last month and I'm in disbelief that they came from me. I remember how tiny and helpless they were right after they were born and it seems like time has flown by so fast.
DD is writing her name and all her letters and numbers up to twenty and drawing and skipping and singing and making up stories and solving puzzles and pretending to cook and taking care of her sick stuffed animals. Over the weekend she started getting attached to the fuzzy sweaters I like to wear because they smell like me and she wants to sleep with them during nap time and bedtime. I'm trying to discourage it...though it's the sweetest thing and it melts me heart that she likes that it smells like me. I just don't know if it's something I should enable her to be attached to.
DS is speaking in full sentences and pretty much potty training himself. The poopoo on the potty seems to be going much easier than the peepee. That's the opposite of his sister. He's more of a builder than a puzzle solver. He's jumping around and running and digging in the dirt. When we go to the park he loves to swing on the swings and throw mulch (which I discourage). He's trying to write his name. He loves to sing and right now I think his favorite song is Old MacDonald had a Farm. He loves the Cars movies (though he just the other day destroyed Cars 2...grr). His favorite color is green, I think. He knows his colors and can sing the whole alphabet.
It's hard to believe that they'll be 3 and 5 years old in just a few months.
Where has the time gone?
Back in May, I had my girly doctor check-up and the doctor put me on the pill because my monthly visitor was getting increasingly heavier and painful. She put me on a regular tri-phasic pill and I thought my body adjusted to it really well (virtually pain-free and much lighter!!), but I noticed that some point during the third week, I would swing into a terrible mood and some kind of depression. I think it took two months to figure it out and I thought that maybe it was just because I wasn't used to it yet. So I stuck with it for 4 months and the duration of the bad mood lessened, but the intensity got worse. My mom was demanding to know what was wrong with me and why I was being so hard on the kids when they were being their normal selves. I told her that it was out of my control and I was fighting the urge to jump in my car and just drive off somewhere so I can be away from everyone (even BF). I also told her that my brain was telling me that this thing with BF is going nowhere and that I should just get it over with and break up with him.
But I know these thoughts are completely irrational. I didn't drive off and leave my kids and I didn't dump my boyfriend. The fact that I can even reason with myself during those periods tells me that I'm not myself at all. I don't care how much more pleasant my monthly visitor is, it isn't worth turning into something I can't even stand.
So today I called the doctor during my lunch break today and she called in a different kind of prescription for me. The nurse who called me was concerned that I had thoughts of hurting myself or someone else. Thankfully, it wasn't to that point, but I really didn't want to keep trying those pills long enough to find out if it would end up going that far. I told her that if I did have those thoughts I would get help right away.
So I'll try these new lower dose pills and see how they do. I don't remember having an issue with the lower dose ones year ago, but my body wasn't quite the same back then, either.
I guess I'll close here and see if I can fall asleep.
So I shall write.
I've had the strange urge to clean and organize lately. The bad thing about it is that I don't have time! I have a song to record for choir, plus two others I'd like to record so I can sing with them in the future. The choir song is most important, though. I work full time and have the two kiddos and try to add in time to see BF. I thought I would have plenty of time over the long weekend, but it seems like that extra time was pulled right out from under me.
I've really been looking at the kids in the last month and I'm in disbelief that they came from me. I remember how tiny and helpless they were right after they were born and it seems like time has flown by so fast.
DD is writing her name and all her letters and numbers up to twenty and drawing and skipping and singing and making up stories and solving puzzles and pretending to cook and taking care of her sick stuffed animals. Over the weekend she started getting attached to the fuzzy sweaters I like to wear because they smell like me and she wants to sleep with them during nap time and bedtime. I'm trying to discourage it...though it's the sweetest thing and it melts me heart that she likes that it smells like me. I just don't know if it's something I should enable her to be attached to.
DS is speaking in full sentences and pretty much potty training himself. The poopoo on the potty seems to be going much easier than the peepee. That's the opposite of his sister. He's more of a builder than a puzzle solver. He's jumping around and running and digging in the dirt. When we go to the park he loves to swing on the swings and throw mulch (which I discourage). He's trying to write his name. He loves to sing and right now I think his favorite song is Old MacDonald had a Farm. He loves the Cars movies (though he just the other day destroyed Cars 2...grr). His favorite color is green, I think. He knows his colors and can sing the whole alphabet.
It's hard to believe that they'll be 3 and 5 years old in just a few months.
Where has the time gone?
Back in May, I had my girly doctor check-up and the doctor put me on the pill because my monthly visitor was getting increasingly heavier and painful. She put me on a regular tri-phasic pill and I thought my body adjusted to it really well (virtually pain-free and much lighter!!), but I noticed that some point during the third week, I would swing into a terrible mood and some kind of depression. I think it took two months to figure it out and I thought that maybe it was just because I wasn't used to it yet. So I stuck with it for 4 months and the duration of the bad mood lessened, but the intensity got worse. My mom was demanding to know what was wrong with me and why I was being so hard on the kids when they were being their normal selves. I told her that it was out of my control and I was fighting the urge to jump in my car and just drive off somewhere so I can be away from everyone (even BF). I also told her that my brain was telling me that this thing with BF is going nowhere and that I should just get it over with and break up with him.
But I know these thoughts are completely irrational. I didn't drive off and leave my kids and I didn't dump my boyfriend. The fact that I can even reason with myself during those periods tells me that I'm not myself at all. I don't care how much more pleasant my monthly visitor is, it isn't worth turning into something I can't even stand.
So today I called the doctor during my lunch break today and she called in a different kind of prescription for me. The nurse who called me was concerned that I had thoughts of hurting myself or someone else. Thankfully, it wasn't to that point, but I really didn't want to keep trying those pills long enough to find out if it would end up going that far. I told her that if I did have those thoughts I would get help right away.
So I'll try these new lower dose pills and see how they do. I don't remember having an issue with the lower dose ones year ago, but my body wasn't quite the same back then, either.
I guess I'll close here and see if I can fall asleep.
Wednesday, August 29, 2012
One year already?!
Tomorrow it will be one year since my divorce was finalized.
Time flies when you're having fun, right?!
I can't believe it's been that long already, yet sometimes it feels like it should be the third year.
I was trying to remember where I was at this point last year. I don't mean physically. I didn't write but one entry last August and then the next was in November after I had already met BF and started falling for him.
I think this time last year I was anxious for it to be over, not knowing the emotional roller-coaster that was coming. I thought I knew what I was going to do. I thought I knew who I was going to date. I had everything planned out in my head until the day I found out that it was all over (which wasn't until September 2 or 3, I don't think). I was excited, but confused. I realized that they guy I thought I was going to date wasn't who I wanted to date. I told him that I didn't think he was in a place where he should be dating (he spent most of our talks telling me why he was such a bad person instead of trying to convince me that he was a great person and ready to be who he wanted to be). But I also realized that I needed some time to be truly alone.
I don't think I've talked to that guy since. He sent me a message this past January and I didn't reply...it was weird. He was trying to explain how he couldn't explain his behavior and that he hoped we could be friends again and that he was dating someone and saw I was dating someone and that he's happy for the both of us. He also said that it would be his last communication with me until he heard from me. So I decided to leave well enough alone.
Anyway, I feel like that whole other mess was directing me to where I am now: successful at my job, mother of two healthy and happy children, loved by a gentle giant.
That's the best way I can describe him. Gentle giant. I never in a million years would have predicted that this good-looking 6'3" man would have such a big heart, be such a good dad, be capable of loving the way he does, be adored by my kids and return the adoration, be more ticklish than I am, or fall for someone like me.
I should probably save stuff like that for my entry at our 1 year dating mark.
I feel like I'm right where I'm supposed to be. Things seem to be moving at a reasonable pace.
As terrible and mind-numbing as it was, I'm thankful for all the things I had to deal with for those 8 years. I'll still be dealing with it to some extent for the next 15 years, but I have someone who says he will stand by me through it all.
I'll say it again: God has been so good to me.
Time flies when you're having fun, right?!
I can't believe it's been that long already, yet sometimes it feels like it should be the third year.
I was trying to remember where I was at this point last year. I don't mean physically. I didn't write but one entry last August and then the next was in November after I had already met BF and started falling for him.
I think this time last year I was anxious for it to be over, not knowing the emotional roller-coaster that was coming. I thought I knew what I was going to do. I thought I knew who I was going to date. I had everything planned out in my head until the day I found out that it was all over (which wasn't until September 2 or 3, I don't think). I was excited, but confused. I realized that they guy I thought I was going to date wasn't who I wanted to date. I told him that I didn't think he was in a place where he should be dating (he spent most of our talks telling me why he was such a bad person instead of trying to convince me that he was a great person and ready to be who he wanted to be). But I also realized that I needed some time to be truly alone.
I don't think I've talked to that guy since. He sent me a message this past January and I didn't reply...it was weird. He was trying to explain how he couldn't explain his behavior and that he hoped we could be friends again and that he was dating someone and saw I was dating someone and that he's happy for the both of us. He also said that it would be his last communication with me until he heard from me. So I decided to leave well enough alone.
Anyway, I feel like that whole other mess was directing me to where I am now: successful at my job, mother of two healthy and happy children, loved by a gentle giant.
That's the best way I can describe him. Gentle giant. I never in a million years would have predicted that this good-looking 6'3" man would have such a big heart, be such a good dad, be capable of loving the way he does, be adored by my kids and return the adoration, be more ticklish than I am, or fall for someone like me.
I should probably save stuff like that for my entry at our 1 year dating mark.
I feel like I'm right where I'm supposed to be. Things seem to be moving at a reasonable pace.
As terrible and mind-numbing as it was, I'm thankful for all the things I had to deal with for those 8 years. I'll still be dealing with it to some extent for the next 15 years, but I have someone who says he will stand by me through it all.
I'll say it again: God has been so good to me.
Saturday, July 28, 2012
I survived
Well, I finally realized that certain things didn't work on that last template I used. I tried to change to something else, but blogger wouldn't accept the code. So I'll just stick to a pre-made one already on here that I know will work.
I survived the reunion weekend! We left Friday right after work and drove up to Pittsburgh. BFS is a good traveler. Anyway, after some traffic and nearly going to the wrong hotel, we finally got to our destination at about 10:30 pm. I met his dad and step-mom that evening. It was pretty brief, so shortly thereafter we retired to our rooms and went to bed.
Next day we had brunch with his parents and then headed to the reunion. BF said there would only be 30 or so people there, but I think it was more like 50! He didn't really know anyone, so we pal-ed around together the entire time and spent some more time talking to his parents (thus, I got to know them a bit better).
There was lots of stuff to do there. There was fishing, horseshoes and some other games, horsey rides for the kids, lots of food and drinks...and there was more, but for the life of me, I can't remember what it is. BFS had a mental checklist of things he wanted to do while he was there. It was kind of cute and I'm pretty sure he did all of it.
After that, we had dinner/dessert with his parents and then retired to bed.
Sunday, we had breakfast with his parents and then headed home. BF had to drop BFS off with his ex, then he came back over for game night with my parents.
He said that his parents like me and they both have the same good feeling about me. That is such a hugely humongous-ly gigantic relief! I liked them, too. They were very nice and welcoming and I enjoyed talking to them. They told me that they expected me to come down and visit with BF and BFS if they come down during the winter (ahhhhh!!!).
Even though we spent just about every second of 48 hours together, I felt like it had just been another trip to work. I don't know if that made sense. It didn't feel like we actually saw each other as much as we did. Maybe it's because we were so busy the entire time. He said he felt the same way. I don't know if that's a good or bad thing. I guess it's good...it's better than feeling like the weekend dragged on and we got sick of each other.
We've actually seen each other every day for over two weeks now. And not just for 5 minutes. I just doesn't feel like that much.
Last night we went to a local baseball game together (our team won and they had fantastic fireworks afterwards!) and today it feels like I didn't even see him.
He's been talking about wedding stuff and houses lately. He showed me a house that he wants in WV and he wanted to know if I liked it. I am so close to grabbing his face in my hands and making him look me in the eye while I tell him, "You're thinking about this all out of order!!!!!"
I can't make him propose, but I feel like that needs to happen before I even toy with the idea of anything else.
And funny enough, he was talking about a cruise wedding and yesterday I get something in the mail for the first time from a major cruise line.
All of this is still so exciting and scary and somehow depressing.
Oh well.
In other news, I've been keeping up with my walking/running. I ran before work yesterday and one of my feet went numb. I googled it and it looks like when people have this problem it because of their shoes or socks. I haven't tightened the laces on my shoes since I got them and I know they're broken in by now. So I hope it's just because it was already 80 degrees outside so my feet probably swelled a little and my sock had gotten messed up.
I'm being beckoned by my mother. Later!
I survived the reunion weekend! We left Friday right after work and drove up to Pittsburgh. BFS is a good traveler. Anyway, after some traffic and nearly going to the wrong hotel, we finally got to our destination at about 10:30 pm. I met his dad and step-mom that evening. It was pretty brief, so shortly thereafter we retired to our rooms and went to bed.
Next day we had brunch with his parents and then headed to the reunion. BF said there would only be 30 or so people there, but I think it was more like 50! He didn't really know anyone, so we pal-ed around together the entire time and spent some more time talking to his parents (thus, I got to know them a bit better).
There was lots of stuff to do there. There was fishing, horseshoes and some other games, horsey rides for the kids, lots of food and drinks...and there was more, but for the life of me, I can't remember what it is. BFS had a mental checklist of things he wanted to do while he was there. It was kind of cute and I'm pretty sure he did all of it.
After that, we had dinner/dessert with his parents and then retired to bed.
Sunday, we had breakfast with his parents and then headed home. BF had to drop BFS off with his ex, then he came back over for game night with my parents.
He said that his parents like me and they both have the same good feeling about me. That is such a hugely humongous-ly gigantic relief! I liked them, too. They were very nice and welcoming and I enjoyed talking to them. They told me that they expected me to come down and visit with BF and BFS if they come down during the winter (ahhhhh!!!).
Even though we spent just about every second of 48 hours together, I felt like it had just been another trip to work. I don't know if that made sense. It didn't feel like we actually saw each other as much as we did. Maybe it's because we were so busy the entire time. He said he felt the same way. I don't know if that's a good or bad thing. I guess it's good...it's better than feeling like the weekend dragged on and we got sick of each other.
We've actually seen each other every day for over two weeks now. And not just for 5 minutes. I just doesn't feel like that much.
Last night we went to a local baseball game together (our team won and they had fantastic fireworks afterwards!) and today it feels like I didn't even see him.
He's been talking about wedding stuff and houses lately. He showed me a house that he wants in WV and he wanted to know if I liked it. I am so close to grabbing his face in my hands and making him look me in the eye while I tell him, "You're thinking about this all out of order!!!!!"
I can't make him propose, but I feel like that needs to happen before I even toy with the idea of anything else.
And funny enough, he was talking about a cruise wedding and yesterday I get something in the mail for the first time from a major cruise line.
All of this is still so exciting and scary and somehow depressing.
Oh well.
In other news, I've been keeping up with my walking/running. I ran before work yesterday and one of my feet went numb. I googled it and it looks like when people have this problem it because of their shoes or socks. I haven't tightened the laces on my shoes since I got them and I know they're broken in by now. So I hope it's just because it was already 80 degrees outside so my feet probably swelled a little and my sock had gotten messed up.
I'm being beckoned by my mother. Later!
Friday, June 22, 2012
Time is ticking away
I have been so incredibly tired lately. It started last week and it has slowly gotten worse and worse. I think I'm just not catching up on my sleep. I get 6 hours or less of sleep on week nights and 2 sleep in days on the weekend, but I'm up late for one of those nights...and I'm up late on Monday.
I turn 28 next Thursday. Ugh...I can't believe I'm that old. BF had me take off one day next week so we can do something for my birthday, but he won't tell me what we'll be doing. With the little bit of information he gave me, I have an idea of what I think it is, but I'm not telling!
His birthday is a little over 2 weeks later and I have no idea what to do. I'm getting pretty anxious about it. I don't know if my mom will keep letting me take a day off work and the kids, especially since less than a week after his birthday, I'll be gone for one or two nights for that reunion.
The reunion is less than a month away now. Ahhhhh!
And his mom is pressuring him about meeting me and I think that will be happening soon. Ahhhhh!
He's moving with G-ma as of next Saturday. I'm not going into how she's related to him. It's too messy and some people will probably think it's kind of weird because they don't know the kind of relationship he has with that family. He said it's because he wants to save money for what it's our time.
I don't know exactly what he means. I don't know if he means saving for a ring, or a down payment on a house, or something else I'm missing.
He did say he has a plan, though he didn't tell me what the plan is. All he told me is that G-ma keeps asking him when we're going to get hitched and he told her that he wanted to date me for at least a year. Our first date was at the end of October...that's not that far away.
I do feel a little better knowing that there's more time, though. I freak myself out thinking about these things.
I hate being afraid to make a commitment like that again. I have no doubt that I would be happy with him for the rest of my life. We are compatible in more ways than not, I think, and in the ways we're different, we complete each other.
That sounds really cheesy.
But I can't help but wonder if the things that have come up to make us take things slowly maybe aren't there to force or remind us to take our time, but maybe to make sure we never get there because it's not supposed to happen?
Or my worst fear is that it finally sinks in that I'm not as great as he thinks I am.
I know this is anxiety talking. I'm thankful for this 4 month or so buffer I still have to get my brain in gear so I can stop worrying so much.
My mom keeps saying that I need to get him saved before anything happens because that's what God wants. I'm struggling with it.
I think it's kind of hypocritical because she married my dad when he wasn't saved but she was.
He knows how important that part of my life is to me. He knows that's why I won't live with him now or why I think it's so important to save sex for marriage. He came to a few Bible studies with me and actually enjoyed it. We had good conversation about the lessons and we've even had discussions about things on our own and I know it has had him thinking. He's on the right path in his life...he has the right heart, it's obvious.
But to tell him that he has to be a Christian before we can take that next step...I feel like I'd be trying to force him into doing something that he isn't ready to do or maybe doesn't want to. I don't want him to do something just to get what he wants or because he thinks it'll make me happy. If he's going to do that, it needs to be because it's what he's led to do. I feel like the most I can do is reiterate how important my relationship with God is to me and to ask that he just support me in it the best that he can and whatever happens, happens.
Is that wrong?
We still have who knows how long before the next step is taken, if it even happens and anything can happen in that amount of time.
Oh how I wish I had all the answers.
I turn 28 next Thursday. Ugh...I can't believe I'm that old. BF had me take off one day next week so we can do something for my birthday, but he won't tell me what we'll be doing. With the little bit of information he gave me, I have an idea of what I think it is, but I'm not telling!
His birthday is a little over 2 weeks later and I have no idea what to do. I'm getting pretty anxious about it. I don't know if my mom will keep letting me take a day off work and the kids, especially since less than a week after his birthday, I'll be gone for one or two nights for that reunion.
The reunion is less than a month away now. Ahhhhh!
And his mom is pressuring him about meeting me and I think that will be happening soon. Ahhhhh!
He's moving with G-ma as of next Saturday. I'm not going into how she's related to him. It's too messy and some people will probably think it's kind of weird because they don't know the kind of relationship he has with that family. He said it's because he wants to save money for what it's our time.
I don't know exactly what he means. I don't know if he means saving for a ring, or a down payment on a house, or something else I'm missing.
He did say he has a plan, though he didn't tell me what the plan is. All he told me is that G-ma keeps asking him when we're going to get hitched and he told her that he wanted to date me for at least a year. Our first date was at the end of October...that's not that far away.
I do feel a little better knowing that there's more time, though. I freak myself out thinking about these things.
I hate being afraid to make a commitment like that again. I have no doubt that I would be happy with him for the rest of my life. We are compatible in more ways than not, I think, and in the ways we're different, we complete each other.
That sounds really cheesy.
But I can't help but wonder if the things that have come up to make us take things slowly maybe aren't there to force or remind us to take our time, but maybe to make sure we never get there because it's not supposed to happen?
Or my worst fear is that it finally sinks in that I'm not as great as he thinks I am.
I know this is anxiety talking. I'm thankful for this 4 month or so buffer I still have to get my brain in gear so I can stop worrying so much.
My mom keeps saying that I need to get him saved before anything happens because that's what God wants. I'm struggling with it.
I think it's kind of hypocritical because she married my dad when he wasn't saved but she was.
He knows how important that part of my life is to me. He knows that's why I won't live with him now or why I think it's so important to save sex for marriage. He came to a few Bible studies with me and actually enjoyed it. We had good conversation about the lessons and we've even had discussions about things on our own and I know it has had him thinking. He's on the right path in his life...he has the right heart, it's obvious.
But to tell him that he has to be a Christian before we can take that next step...I feel like I'd be trying to force him into doing something that he isn't ready to do or maybe doesn't want to. I don't want him to do something just to get what he wants or because he thinks it'll make me happy. If he's going to do that, it needs to be because it's what he's led to do. I feel like the most I can do is reiterate how important my relationship with God is to me and to ask that he just support me in it the best that he can and whatever happens, happens.
Is that wrong?
We still have who knows how long before the next step is taken, if it even happens and anything can happen in that amount of time.
Oh how I wish I had all the answers.
Saturday, April 14, 2012
Closer
I was sitting at the kitchen table drinking my coffee, knowing I wanted to come by here and write.
So I plopped down in front of my computer and I'm drawing a blank!
Monday we did have a shorter date night. It was a movie at his house, but it was still good to spend more time with him. Actually, it was more like 1.25 movies. The first one we started watching...I couldn't get past the language and raunchiness, so we switched to something else (thank goodness).
We had our family night on Wednesday and then another family night last night. I think BF gets a lot out of those nights. I do, too, but I get even more out of them knowing that it makes him feel really close to all of us when we get to spend that time together. I feel like a family. A real one. A good one. I honestly didn't think I'd feel that way about "family night". It was more of a way to let the kids to get to know each other and have a play date and another excuse for me and BF to see each other. It's truly unexpected and rewarding feeling.
I only have one problem with family night. Well, it's not a bad problem, if that makes sense. Every time we go out, a stranger says something that makes us feel awkward, not knowing they're even doing it. It happened one of the first times BF and I went out alone and I think every time we've had a family night. Someone always says how our kids are so well-behaved or our son or daughter is so cute. Last night someone asked us where we live and referred to BF as DS's daddy.
When we go out alone, we've been mistaken for being married on more than one occasion.
It makes me feel like maybe we all look comfortable together. Or maybe we all look good together. Or maybe with the way I and BF handle the kids, we just look like your normal family... Am I supposed to correct these people and let them in on just how disjointed our lives really are? I don't feel like it's worth the time and discussion to explain it to someone we'll likely never see again. I asked BF how he feels about it and he said it makes him feel pretty good and it doesn't bother him to let the people think what they want.
Going back to the subject of gratifying things... The other night BF and I were talking on the phone like we usually do and he came up with a random question. It thought it was kind of weird and silly, but for whatever reason letting him think out loud and bounce his thoughts off of me made me feel really close to him. I got the same feeling a few months ago when we were discussing whether or not they have cows in China (I don't remember how in the world that came up) or a couple weeks ago when we were talking about the difference between moths and butterflies. I've had the feeling other times, too, but those are the specific ones I remember. I told him that I hope he always feels like he can talk to me like that, even if it seems like I think's kind of goofy or trivial. I told him that it means a lot to me and I really enjoy it. He says that he feels like he can talk to me about anything whether it's stuff like that, or his ex, or his past, or work, or whatever else.
I am so thankful for that and I think it's so important.
I suppose I'd better get going. The kids are finally awake. I think we'll spend some time outside this afternoon (I'm going to give my car a bath) and I need to file my taxes (nothing like waiting until the last minute!!).
Until next time...
So I plopped down in front of my computer and I'm drawing a blank!
Monday we did have a shorter date night. It was a movie at his house, but it was still good to spend more time with him. Actually, it was more like 1.25 movies. The first one we started watching...I couldn't get past the language and raunchiness, so we switched to something else (thank goodness).
We had our family night on Wednesday and then another family night last night. I think BF gets a lot out of those nights. I do, too, but I get even more out of them knowing that it makes him feel really close to all of us when we get to spend that time together. I feel like a family. A real one. A good one. I honestly didn't think I'd feel that way about "family night". It was more of a way to let the kids to get to know each other and have a play date and another excuse for me and BF to see each other. It's truly unexpected and rewarding feeling.
I only have one problem with family night. Well, it's not a bad problem, if that makes sense. Every time we go out, a stranger says something that makes us feel awkward, not knowing they're even doing it. It happened one of the first times BF and I went out alone and I think every time we've had a family night. Someone always says how our kids are so well-behaved or our son or daughter is so cute. Last night someone asked us where we live and referred to BF as DS's daddy.
When we go out alone, we've been mistaken for being married on more than one occasion.
It makes me feel like maybe we all look comfortable together. Or maybe we all look good together. Or maybe with the way I and BF handle the kids, we just look like your normal family... Am I supposed to correct these people and let them in on just how disjointed our lives really are? I don't feel like it's worth the time and discussion to explain it to someone we'll likely never see again. I asked BF how he feels about it and he said it makes him feel pretty good and it doesn't bother him to let the people think what they want.
Going back to the subject of gratifying things... The other night BF and I were talking on the phone like we usually do and he came up with a random question. It thought it was kind of weird and silly, but for whatever reason letting him think out loud and bounce his thoughts off of me made me feel really close to him. I got the same feeling a few months ago when we were discussing whether or not they have cows in China (I don't remember how in the world that came up) or a couple weeks ago when we were talking about the difference between moths and butterflies. I've had the feeling other times, too, but those are the specific ones I remember. I told him that I hope he always feels like he can talk to me like that, even if it seems like I think's kind of goofy or trivial. I told him that it means a lot to me and I really enjoy it. He says that he feels like he can talk to me about anything whether it's stuff like that, or his ex, or his past, or work, or whatever else.
I am so thankful for that and I think it's so important.
I suppose I'd better get going. The kids are finally awake. I think we'll spend some time outside this afternoon (I'm going to give my car a bath) and I need to file my taxes (nothing like waiting until the last minute!!).
Until next time...
Sunday, April 1, 2012
Custody rant
I had come on here earlier today to go over my week like I did in the last entry...but I have so much running through my head that I can't even remember what I did this week. I guess I could remember if I forced myself to, but I don't really like rehashing the whole week going day by day.
BF and his son left for Florida early this morning and won't be back until next Saturday. I'm kicking myself because I could have gone with him to go meet his father and step-mother, but I decided not to go because it was a long time to be away from my kids.
I'm missing him so much, it's crazy. Sometimes I find myself getting choked up because he would have been here with me this evening. I don't think I've cried in months. It feels foreign, and I didn't realize this would be so hard for me.
DD and DS keep asking if they can see him and I can't explain it to them in a way that they'll understand that they aren't even anywhere near here right now.
I feel kind of bad about it, to be honest. X is trying to talk me into giving him more custody. I replied to him last Sunday, saying that he can find a supervised visitation program in Maryland and get back to me. He replied after I was already in bed with this really long response, saying that our children need to see their father and that DD had asked him about it and it's important for their development and he feels a duty, etc.
I probably shouldn't say this here in case he reads this, but it would mean more to me if he just plain said that he loves them and misses them and wants to spend time with them instead of this other supposedly professional-sounding mumbo-jumbo.
The supervisor right now has no right to base whether or not he's ready to have more custody based on one hour of good behavior every week. I know that he has still been in contact with TOW at least up until recently.
And funny enough, neither of my children say anything about him when they're home. They talk about BF and BFS. Even if I ask them about their visit with their dad, they don't say much. They talk more about the supervisor and the toys and I have to pry for what they did with him.
But they always ask about BF, especially DS. They'll be at daycare, where BF has never even been, and ask if he's there.
Maybe it's my fault. Other than spending time with them, I haven't tried to force any kind of relationship between my kids and BF. I haven't discouraged my kids from talking about their father. However, I don't talk about X around them, but I do talk about BF.
Besides his one hour per week, X makes no contact with his kids. No cards or calls on their birthdays or holidays. If I cancel a visit because they're sick, he doesn't ask me how they're doing. He doesn't talk to them at all.
Is it my responsibility to make sure he does those things? I thought if he wanted to do all that, then he'd do it. Or at least that's what I'd do.
I know that if someone asked him about it, he'd say that I wouldn't let him talk to them. Fact is, he hasn't even tried. The only reason why I might not let him talk to them is if he turned it into an interrogation session with me like he has in the past.
In certain ways, it would make my life a little easier if he had them part of the time. Even if it's just for one day a week. But I can't justify to myself putting them in a situation where they wouldn't be properly cared for or loved.
Ugh, I didn't mean to go on a rant about that.
I'd better go. The choir makes their debut under my direction in the morning and I need sleep.
If I can even fall asleep. I miss BF too much.
Unhappy face.
BF and his son left for Florida early this morning and won't be back until next Saturday. I'm kicking myself because I could have gone with him to go meet his father and step-mother, but I decided not to go because it was a long time to be away from my kids.
I'm missing him so much, it's crazy. Sometimes I find myself getting choked up because he would have been here with me this evening. I don't think I've cried in months. It feels foreign, and I didn't realize this would be so hard for me.
DD and DS keep asking if they can see him and I can't explain it to them in a way that they'll understand that they aren't even anywhere near here right now.
I feel kind of bad about it, to be honest. X is trying to talk me into giving him more custody. I replied to him last Sunday, saying that he can find a supervised visitation program in Maryland and get back to me. He replied after I was already in bed with this really long response, saying that our children need to see their father and that DD had asked him about it and it's important for their development and he feels a duty, etc.
I probably shouldn't say this here in case he reads this, but it would mean more to me if he just plain said that he loves them and misses them and wants to spend time with them instead of this other supposedly professional-sounding mumbo-jumbo.
The supervisor right now has no right to base whether or not he's ready to have more custody based on one hour of good behavior every week. I know that he has still been in contact with TOW at least up until recently.
And funny enough, neither of my children say anything about him when they're home. They talk about BF and BFS. Even if I ask them about their visit with their dad, they don't say much. They talk more about the supervisor and the toys and I have to pry for what they did with him.
But they always ask about BF, especially DS. They'll be at daycare, where BF has never even been, and ask if he's there.
Maybe it's my fault. Other than spending time with them, I haven't tried to force any kind of relationship between my kids and BF. I haven't discouraged my kids from talking about their father. However, I don't talk about X around them, but I do talk about BF.
Besides his one hour per week, X makes no contact with his kids. No cards or calls on their birthdays or holidays. If I cancel a visit because they're sick, he doesn't ask me how they're doing. He doesn't talk to them at all.
Is it my responsibility to make sure he does those things? I thought if he wanted to do all that, then he'd do it. Or at least that's what I'd do.
I know that if someone asked him about it, he'd say that I wouldn't let him talk to them. Fact is, he hasn't even tried. The only reason why I might not let him talk to them is if he turned it into an interrogation session with me like he has in the past.
In certain ways, it would make my life a little easier if he had them part of the time. Even if it's just for one day a week. But I can't justify to myself putting them in a situation where they wouldn't be properly cared for or loved.
Ugh, I didn't mean to go on a rant about that.
I'd better go. The choir makes their debut under my direction in the morning and I need sleep.
If I can even fall asleep. I miss BF too much.
Unhappy face.
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