Almost over it

I've been working on this entry since last week and I had written out this big long thing about this cycle and how the OPKs were a flop because all of the tests ended up looking positive (or very close), but I think this one is just another bust anyway.  I'm not going to waste my time going into detail.  I just know I'm not going to waste money on one of those kits again.  I'm sick with some upper respiratory thing that's been passed around my family, so that doesn't help either.  I feel discouraged and like poo.

 

In other news, Hubby is applying for a few jobs. 

 

I have a new therapist who I really like.  I'm still not sure what to do about the psychologist.

 

The choir is working on a cantata for Easter and the music for a play that we're doing with another church, so I'm pretty excited about that.  

 

BB's mom moved recently to her own apartment in the town where I practically grew up and I'm feeling pretty territorial about it. Not to mention, she's entirely on her own with BB now and I'm worried about his well-being.

 

It's been just over a year since Hubby and I got engaged.  I just thought that was neat.  I remember how scary it was, the reality that I was going to get married again.  It was one thing fantasizing about it.  It's another to actually do it...and here we are happily and healthily (is that a word?) married with a functioning blended family.

 

I guess that's it.  I'm in a crappy mood because I feel like crap.  I took a big long entry that was already written and whittled it down to this.  Go moi.

Finally Taking Care of Some Business

Well, that cycle was another no-go.  I thought for sure it had to be it this time because everything seemed to be set up perfectly, but it just didn't happen that way.  I had a routine visit with the gyn earlier this week and because of the routine questions she knows what's going on.  She said she hopes the next time she sees me it's for a baby.  Me, too.

Also because of that appointment I'm finally going to be evaluated and treated for my anxiety.  Doctors ask if I've experienced anxiety or depression and I've always said yes, but she didn't seem concerned until this time. She said the nurse would call the doctor and I probably wouldn't be seen for 2 months.  Well, the behavioral health folks called me the next day and I'm being evaluated (and diagnosed?) next week and my first session with the psychologist is the week after.

Maybe they just mixed up their words: weeks...months.  Similar enough, I guess.  Ha.  Actually, the person who was scheduling me said she didn't expect me to be able to get in so fast.  I'm feeling like this means that I really need this.  I'm hoping it will also help me with how much I worry and my issues with certain sounds and whatever else is uncovered.

It has been interfering with my job lately, though there are ways to get around it.  I just don't think it's quite what my bosses would like to see from me.

Fortunately, though, when it comes to the kids I can overcome my anxiety.  It's mostly just with things pertaining to just me.

Next week Hubby is leaving on a hunting trip for a few days.  We keep butting heads over it.  I'm not making him stay home, but I feel like with these appointments coming up and the custody issues with BB he's abandoning me and choosing something else over his family.  This is something we discussed before we got married, but I'll tell you what...there's a huge difference between a conversation about a hypothetical situation and actually being in that situation.  I said that a trip once per year wouldn't be too much before.  But we haven't been married a year and it's actually time that he is going somewhere and I just plain don't want him to go.  He also mentioned that he left on trips before and I did just fine.  Well, we weren't living together then and I didn't have an additional child under my care.  Gosh, what would I do if he were to leave and there's a fourth child?!

Not to mention that he doesn't want to tell his ex when he's going, so whenever she finds out, she can come over and demand to have BB and I don't have any choice but to do what she wants because I don't have any rights.  I had told him to go ahead and let BB stay with her to avoid any conflict and he said when he offered her this extra time if she'll start bringing him back to church, she said she didn't want him.

They had also just been arguing about something else, so she was emotional and I don't think she knows what she was saying.

I can't help but feel like the timing of the appointments means that something big is going to happen.

I guess all I can do is just keep praying.