Conflicted on this whole blog thing...

Long time, no see. Possibly never see again after this...in the blogging world, I mean.

I've been battling some crazy stuff this year. That seems to be the story of my life.

I've tried writing an update many times and wound up deleting it because it became too long and I wasn't even finished writing.

I don't think there is a way to make a long story short.

My children and husband are doing great. Work is going well. Things in general are wonderful and we are greatly blessed.

Back in March I went and archived all of the blog posts I had written about my ex. I didn't delete them, I just didn't want them to show up in regular reading anymore. It had been over 2 years since I had any contact with him and I genuinely thought it was a chapter in my life that was finally closed.  Wouldn't you know it...right after I did that, my ex popped back into the picture. He wanted to set up visitation again.

Before I even got into that I proposed the adoption idea. He completely ignored it. I guess that's better than getting cussed out.

We found a supervised visitation program and we were being cordial with one another.

While trying to figure out a schedule he must have thought that he wasn't going to get what he wanted (might I add that the program manager and I had agreed that what I was proposing was best for the kids, but it wasn't the final decision unless he agreed to it) and that is when things went downhill.

He was becoming more agitated via text message and I had my husband calling to tell me that his ex was coming to him with all these accusations about me and my family, refusing to reveal her source.

That was pretty stupid. You would think if he wanted to attack me through her he would at least choose some new material. I knew exactly who her source was because it was exactly the same things he was saying years ago when he was threatening to take it all to my church family. It was all untrue. Anything that had started out true (and innocent, for that matter) was twisted around so much that it was certainly a lie. She confirmed her source after not much time by sending Hubby screenshots of their conversation on Facebook messenger, which showed his picture. Brilliant, I tell you.

Fortunately Hubby and I had talked about all the tough stuff long before we got married. I'm positive if you can talk about the scary and difficult things openly from the start then you can easily recognize the lies later on.

I'm not sure what their goal was. Destroy our marriage? Find a reason to take away our children? I'm fairly certain that if I were any danger I would be the one who lost custody.

Fast forward to about 2 weeks later...I was being accused of actively cheating on my husband. They said they had documented proof. Funny enough, Hubby didn't receive any screenshots of that. I know if they had anything they would have sent it (and it would have been fake or belonged to someone else).

She said there were e-mails and blog posts from February. That's when I started feeling uncomfortable with keeping this blog. This is the only diary I keep. I haven't posted anything since January until now. Do I keep chugging along, pretending like what they say doesn't matter? Or I do lock myself up so I can't be read? Do I get rid of this thing and never write again? Do I really have to give them that power over me?

I still don't know the right answer. My mom told me I should journal. Hand-journaling takes entirely too much time. I did think about locking up this blog so I can journal, and I still may.

Hubby told his ex that he trusts me and she needs to stop. Things were quiet for a while. The kids have been seeing him for an hour per week rather consistently since June. About two weeks ago he started back up with talking to Hubby's ex. He was telling her the same things as before.

If they are trying to create a rift between us, it isn't working. We have trust for one another and a marriage that is centered around God and our relationship with Him. I am in a better place now than I have ever been in every possible way. It feels amazing. God has been tremendously amazing in our lives.

What is causing a rift in our marriage is that we don't see eye-to-eye when it comes down to how we handle this stuff. I say stand your ground...be firm. He says stay low...keep the peace however possible.

This is only a portion of what I have had to deal with.

I'm trying so hard just to let go and let God.

Distracting myself = Productiveness

So...

I think this is the first time sitting at my home computer and writing since I moved.

Everything else I've done is usually written on an e-mail draft or notepad page and then copied and posted on my phone or ipad.

The hubster is back from his trip.  I can't tell if he enjoyed his trip or not.  He keeps talking about it, but also says he's so glad to be home.  I didn't enjoy him not being here, but I sure did accomplish a lot.

He left Thursday night.  I think that was the first time he had ever seen me cry.  He wanted to know what I was so worried about.  I wasn't really worried about anything, I just didn't want him to leave.  The tears were uncontrollable.  I wound up crying myself to sleep that night and my eyes were swollen until after lunch break on Friday.

I worked on Friday and that evening my younger brother and his wife came over for dinner to keep me company.  They brought some adult beverages, which we enjoyed, and they left around 11 pm.  I cried again, but I didn't fall asleep that way.

Saturday I did all the laundry spent all day rearranging the cupboards in the kitchen.  It wasn't my plan for the day, but it sure was funny last night when he got home and went to get a drink and couldn't find the glasses.  I was cleaning off the countertops and moving things that I didn't like.  I moved the knife block and spice rack next to the stove and decided that the rest of the spices and cooking ingredients should be near the stove, too.  Out went the cups and mugs, in went the spices and such as well as measuring cups, mixing bowls and storage containers.  Cups went into where the spices were, while I decided the mugs should be near the coffee maker.  Out went the kids' dishes and other random things that were in there and in went the coffee mugs and water bottles that we don't use much.  Then I decided that the rest of the nicer dishes and wine glasses can go in the cupboard with the glass cups.  Out went those dishes and in went the kids' stuff.  Ta-da!

So it wasn't intentional. More of a domino effect.

Sunday we went to church and I had nursery duty (5 kids 2 and under in there...3 were under a year old).  I forgot to mention that BB's mother had him all this time, but she did let him return to church.  Yay!  We had an early dinner out with my parents, then I took a nap at their house and went home to clean while the kiddos spent the night at my parents' house.  I vacuumed the entire house, cleaned our bedroom, put away all the laundry, changed our sheets, washed all the dishes, took out the trash...I think that's it.

Who wouldn't want to go away on a trip with no running water, cooped up in a little cabin with 3 or 4 other men, not changing clothes or shaving for 5 days, and come home to a clean house?

I went to work on Monday and anxiously awaited the return of my husband.

He was good about sending me messages when he could and he called once or twice a day despite bad cell service.  I did cry at least a little every day.  I tried not to let on that I was upset whenever we hung up, but he told me he could hear it in my voice.

I tried to tell him that it would be so much easier if I didn't get upset like that.  I don't like feeling that way, but I can't help it.

He seemed truly happy to see me when he came through the door.  He dropped all his stuff right when got inside with a huge smile on his face and then gathered me up in his arms for big hug and a kiss.

Even though it makes me anxious to hear him talk about guns and shooting things (don't ask...I don't know why), I let him talk and talk and mull over things and watched him eat the leftover lasagna soup that he likes so much.

I thought I would sleep better last night, but I think I'd gotten used to the silence of the house and had trouble falling asleep.  I think I tossed and turned for over 2 hours.

Today is a snow day for me.  The kids are off school anyway, but I decided to err on the side of caution and stay home.  I'm glad I did.  Hubby went to work, though.  Because of his job, he doesn't know when he'll be home.

The psychologist called me to see if I wanted to try and make it in or reschedule.  So my first meeting with her has been postponed until I reschedule, hopefully for later this week.  I just need to muster up the nerve to call the office.

The kids are playing nicely and it's rather calm around here.

Time to go start on a crock pot dinner that I think Hubby will enjoy to the max!

This is where I'm supposed to be

Today is the second anniversary of our first date.  It's also the fifth anniversary of the day I separated from X.

Will there ever be a day when I don't associate October 24th with that terrible experience?

In a way I take the first date date as life's "do-over".

Anyway, I totally forgot about it until I saw a post on FB yesterday asking about online dating and how long you should wait until you meet someone in person.  I was trying to figure out when our next milestone for our relationship is and I realized HOLY COW!  It's tomorrow and it's been two years already?!

We regularly reminisce about that time...

I think we talked online for about 2 weeks through the dating site where he found me.  He asked me how old my kids were and I replied with their ages only, thinking that would be it from him and I'd continue on my merry way.  He kept replying with questions and every time I replied and liked talking to him, but I kept wondering why in the world he's still talking to me.

When I completed my profile I was really blunt and to the point.  I guess I was trying to ward off phonies or people who were only out there looking for a fling.  I said I had been through a divorce and I know what I want and I have trust issues and I'm not taking anyone's crap!  I didn't say it quite like that, but that's the jist of it.  I also said the kids and I are a package deal and if you don't like kids just stop reading now or if you like me and not my kids then you can hit the road.

It was long and wordy and I'm shocked anyone even took the time to read it.

During the initial two week period he kept asking to talk to me on the phone and I didn't want to do it.  I told him the honest reason why (I hate the sound of my voice) and even after I gave him my phone number I would only text for about a week.  Now he tells me that he thought I was "catfishing".  He said he was getting more and more frustrated -- complaining to his best friend that I wouldn't talk to him -- and if I had taken too much longer he would've stopped talking to me altogether.

There are a lot of nutsos out there and you can't be too safe, you know?  2+ weeks isn't a terribly long time in my book, so if you can't hang in there that long, you're probably not worth it.

Now I look back and I'm really thankful that he did wait.

So finally I did talk to him on the phone and it became a daily thing that would last for hours.

I think we talked like that for about a week and then we met in person.

All in all it was 3-4 weeks that we conversed in some way or another.  I think that's a decent amount of time to get a feel for someone.  What really helped was that at some point after we had started talking some way other than the internet he told me that he had deleted his profile because he no longer felt the need to use it.

How freakin' cool is that?

I had told my parents about him already in that period of time, but I did not tell them that I was going to meet him when I did.

That was really wrong of me.  What if my judgment had been wrong and no one knew where I was?  I did it because I didn't want their criticism or to hear that I'm crazy or they won't let me do it...which is really immature.  I knew I wouldn't have the kids, so I wouldn't be putting them in any danger.  I am fortunate to say that nothing bad happened and I came home alive and unharmed.  My mom is particularly intuitive and she figured out what was going on before I even go home that evening.

We met at a local fast food restaurant after work.  He came with a white rose and the first thing he did was call me by the wrong name.

I knew he was nervous like I was and he said he had just been on FB while he was waiting for me he had seen a post by someone with that name so it just popped out of his mouth.  It wasn't exactly a dealbreaker and it was still too early, so I continued with the meeting.  The rose might have helped a little, too.

Our date was a trip to W@l*M@rt so I could do some birthday shopping for DS.  Fun, huh?  Neither of us could choose what to do, so I told him that I needed to get that done and he agreed.

When we were on the way to the store he told me that one of his three fears about meeting me came true.  One fear was that I would show up and actually be a man.  Another was that I'd show up with a bunch of guys and my dad and stuff him in the trunk of a car and take off.  The last fear and the one that came true was that I'd be more attractive than he is.  It was kind of an odd compliment, but I took it.  I might ask him about that now that I'm thinking about it again.

So we wandered around the store and he helped me pick some things for DS's birthday.  He told me later in our relationship that he spent a lot of time checking out my rear-end that day.  Haha!  Ha!  I wasn't aware that my butt was even worth being checked out and I don't remember what I wore that day that would make it look good.  I was a little alarmed when he told me because he said he wasn't interested in me because of my looks, but it's flattering to think about now.  If he had commented on it that day it probably would have been a red flag.

After the shopping trip we went to a restaurant and got pizza.  I was so anxious and nervous that I only ate about half of a slice and I think he ate one slice.  It was our first time being able to sit down and really look at each other and just talk.  It was especially scary for me, being anti-social and all, and I am not one to make a lot of eye contact.  I think we just talked about our families and decided to call it a night.

And that was it.  I didn't think the date went all that well, though I enjoyed it, and I truly didn't expect to hear from him again.  I'm fairly certain he called me that night and was already planning our next date.  And maybe an hour into that second date he was already asking me for a third.

All that is history now.  Never in a million years did I imagine it would get to this point.  It feels like yesterday and it's still surreal.  I wake up in the middle of the night and see him sleeping and think about how unbelievable and amazing it is.  At the same time, though, I forget that there was a time that we didn't even know the other person existed because it feels like it's been this way all along.

I haven't felt this good since before I had my heart broken for the first time, nor have I ever felt so complete and where I'm supposed to be as I do now.