Conflicted on this whole blog thing...

Long time, no see. Possibly never see again after this...in the blogging world, I mean.

I've been battling some crazy stuff this year. That seems to be the story of my life.

I've tried writing an update many times and wound up deleting it because it became too long and I wasn't even finished writing.

I don't think there is a way to make a long story short.

My children and husband are doing great. Work is going well. Things in general are wonderful and we are greatly blessed.

Back in March I went and archived all of the blog posts I had written about my ex. I didn't delete them, I just didn't want them to show up in regular reading anymore. It had been over 2 years since I had any contact with him and I genuinely thought it was a chapter in my life that was finally closed.  Wouldn't you know it...right after I did that, my ex popped back into the picture. He wanted to set up visitation again.

Before I even got into that I proposed the adoption idea. He completely ignored it. I guess that's better than getting cussed out.

We found a supervised visitation program and we were being cordial with one another.

While trying to figure out a schedule he must have thought that he wasn't going to get what he wanted (might I add that the program manager and I had agreed that what I was proposing was best for the kids, but it wasn't the final decision unless he agreed to it) and that is when things went downhill.

He was becoming more agitated via text message and I had my husband calling to tell me that his ex was coming to him with all these accusations about me and my family, refusing to reveal her source.

That was pretty stupid. You would think if he wanted to attack me through her he would at least choose some new material. I knew exactly who her source was because it was exactly the same things he was saying years ago when he was threatening to take it all to my church family. It was all untrue. Anything that had started out true (and innocent, for that matter) was twisted around so much that it was certainly a lie. She confirmed her source after not much time by sending Hubby screenshots of their conversation on Facebook messenger, which showed his picture. Brilliant, I tell you.

Fortunately Hubby and I had talked about all the tough stuff long before we got married. I'm positive if you can talk about the scary and difficult things openly from the start then you can easily recognize the lies later on.

I'm not sure what their goal was. Destroy our marriage? Find a reason to take away our children? I'm fairly certain that if I were any danger I would be the one who lost custody.

Fast forward to about 2 weeks later...I was being accused of actively cheating on my husband. They said they had documented proof. Funny enough, Hubby didn't receive any screenshots of that. I know if they had anything they would have sent it (and it would have been fake or belonged to someone else).

She said there were e-mails and blog posts from February. That's when I started feeling uncomfortable with keeping this blog. This is the only diary I keep. I haven't posted anything since January until now. Do I keep chugging along, pretending like what they say doesn't matter? Or I do lock myself up so I can't be read? Do I get rid of this thing and never write again? Do I really have to give them that power over me?

I still don't know the right answer. My mom told me I should journal. Hand-journaling takes entirely too much time. I did think about locking up this blog so I can journal, and I still may.

Hubby told his ex that he trusts me and she needs to stop. Things were quiet for a while. The kids have been seeing him for an hour per week rather consistently since June. About two weeks ago he started back up with talking to Hubby's ex. He was telling her the same things as before.

If they are trying to create a rift between us, it isn't working. We have trust for one another and a marriage that is centered around God and our relationship with Him. I am in a better place now than I have ever been in every possible way. It feels amazing. God has been tremendously amazing in our lives.

What is causing a rift in our marriage is that we don't see eye-to-eye when it comes down to how we handle this stuff. I say stand your ground...be firm. He says stay low...keep the peace however possible.

This is only a portion of what I have had to deal with.

I'm trying so hard just to let go and let God.

Almost over it

I've been working on this entry since last week and I had written out this big long thing about this cycle and how the OPKs were a flop because all of the tests ended up looking positive (or very close), but I think this one is just another bust anyway.  I'm not going to waste my time going into detail.  I just know I'm not going to waste money on one of those kits again.  I'm sick with some upper respiratory thing that's been passed around my family, so that doesn't help either.  I feel discouraged and like poo.

 

In other news, Hubby is applying for a few jobs. 

 

I have a new therapist who I really like.  I'm still not sure what to do about the psychologist.

 

The choir is working on a cantata for Easter and the music for a play that we're doing with another church, so I'm pretty excited about that.  

 

BB's mom moved recently to her own apartment in the town where I practically grew up and I'm feeling pretty territorial about it. Not to mention, she's entirely on her own with BB now and I'm worried about his well-being.

 

It's been just over a year since Hubby and I got engaged.  I just thought that was neat.  I remember how scary it was, the reality that I was going to get married again.  It was one thing fantasizing about it.  It's another to actually do it...and here we are happily and healthily (is that a word?) married with a functioning blended family.

 

I guess that's it.  I'm in a crappy mood because I feel like crap.  I took a big long entry that was already written and whittled it down to this.  Go moi.

Assumptions are bad

I've been back to see the psychiatrist once and I saw the psychologist last week and will see her again tonight.  Last week the psychologist interviewed me, I guess to diagnose me as best as she could and to start to come up with a treatment plan.

She thinks I have social anxiety and generalized anxiety.   That makes sense.  I felt pretty confident that this therapy will work after meeting with her.

I saw the psychiatrist again yesterday and I don't think I like him.  He was asking me some of the same questions he did last time, then he said asked me how my marriage is (again).  I told him it's great and he said he felt last time like I said the same thing, but there was more I wasn't telling him.  I told him that compared to my first marriage it definitely IS great, and we do have things we have to discuss and work through, like normal couples, but I didn't think it was anything out of the ordinary.  He wanted specifics.  I told him that we debate over what to do with BB and how to coordinate things with BB's mother...heated discussions about how much time he spends with his best friend or doing his hobbies...how I'm actively involved in my church and Hubby's inability to do it with me due to work.

THEN, the doctor asked about the drinking problem I previously mentioned that he had.  I never ever said Hubby has a drinking problem.  He doesn't drink any more than I do.  I don't think I ever said anything about drinking except when they asked me if I drink and I said that we have a drink or two sometimes on our date nights on Fridays after the kids go to bed, that's it, nothing excessive.

I don't know if he's just assuming things or if this is what doctors do in the mental health field in order to try and get people open up, but I found it alarming.  Fortunately, I don't have to see him again for another 2 months.

I have been part of a team at work to use a new claims system.  I go down to work on it today and the leader told me that I was going back upstairs until further notice because they don't have enough computers.  I had to go back down to get my notebook because I had been storing it in a cabinet down there and everyone else on the team is still there, plus the four new people.

This is where I start to overthink things.  I know if I did something wrong and they didn't want me on the team anymore, they would have said so.  I should take it at face value and not think about it anymore, but that's really difficult.  I try to tell myself that maybe they chose me to go upstairs because I wasn't there for the meeting yesterday when they decided this (if they even had one) or maybe because they think I'm comfortable enough with the program and feel like I don't need more time.

Reviews and raises are coming up, too, so that doesn't help.

We're on cycle 4 now...playing the waiting game.  Things look and feel a little different this time around.  Normally my temps are all over the place and I've had at least one below my coverline.  This time it keeps going up.  Slow rise, I think it's called.  Last time it was a fall-back rise.  My pre-O temps were more consistent than usual and there was a huge drop around O time, then a huge rise the next day.  I have less physical signs this time, but the ones I do have aren't typical post-O signs for me.  I guess I'll find out in about a week and a half, huh.  I don't think I'm so antsy this time around.  It's still something we want, but I guess I'm not expecting it this time.  I didn't think it would take this long (I guess we're 5 months in now).

I'm trying to focus more on God and the blessings in life.  Not that I have a lot of bad things going on, it's just easy to lose sight of those things with daily stresses and random things that come up.

Ending note: I may not know why things happen the way they do at work, but I'm so very thankful to have a job.

Distracting myself = Productiveness

So...

I think this is the first time sitting at my home computer and writing since I moved.

Everything else I've done is usually written on an e-mail draft or notepad page and then copied and posted on my phone or ipad.

The hubster is back from his trip.  I can't tell if he enjoyed his trip or not.  He keeps talking about it, but also says he's so glad to be home.  I didn't enjoy him not being here, but I sure did accomplish a lot.

He left Thursday night.  I think that was the first time he had ever seen me cry.  He wanted to know what I was so worried about.  I wasn't really worried about anything, I just didn't want him to leave.  The tears were uncontrollable.  I wound up crying myself to sleep that night and my eyes were swollen until after lunch break on Friday.

I worked on Friday and that evening my younger brother and his wife came over for dinner to keep me company.  They brought some adult beverages, which we enjoyed, and they left around 11 pm.  I cried again, but I didn't fall asleep that way.

Saturday I did all the laundry spent all day rearranging the cupboards in the kitchen.  It wasn't my plan for the day, but it sure was funny last night when he got home and went to get a drink and couldn't find the glasses.  I was cleaning off the countertops and moving things that I didn't like.  I moved the knife block and spice rack next to the stove and decided that the rest of the spices and cooking ingredients should be near the stove, too.  Out went the cups and mugs, in went the spices and such as well as measuring cups, mixing bowls and storage containers.  Cups went into where the spices were, while I decided the mugs should be near the coffee maker.  Out went the kids' dishes and other random things that were in there and in went the coffee mugs and water bottles that we don't use much.  Then I decided that the rest of the nicer dishes and wine glasses can go in the cupboard with the glass cups.  Out went those dishes and in went the kids' stuff.  Ta-da!

So it wasn't intentional. More of a domino effect.

Sunday we went to church and I had nursery duty (5 kids 2 and under in there...3 were under a year old).  I forgot to mention that BB's mother had him all this time, but she did let him return to church.  Yay!  We had an early dinner out with my parents, then I took a nap at their house and went home to clean while the kiddos spent the night at my parents' house.  I vacuumed the entire house, cleaned our bedroom, put away all the laundry, changed our sheets, washed all the dishes, took out the trash...I think that's it.

Who wouldn't want to go away on a trip with no running water, cooped up in a little cabin with 3 or 4 other men, not changing clothes or shaving for 5 days, and come home to a clean house?

I went to work on Monday and anxiously awaited the return of my husband.

He was good about sending me messages when he could and he called once or twice a day despite bad cell service.  I did cry at least a little every day.  I tried not to let on that I was upset whenever we hung up, but he told me he could hear it in my voice.

I tried to tell him that it would be so much easier if I didn't get upset like that.  I don't like feeling that way, but I can't help it.

He seemed truly happy to see me when he came through the door.  He dropped all his stuff right when got inside with a huge smile on his face and then gathered me up in his arms for big hug and a kiss.

Even though it makes me anxious to hear him talk about guns and shooting things (don't ask...I don't know why), I let him talk and talk and mull over things and watched him eat the leftover lasagna soup that he likes so much.

I thought I would sleep better last night, but I think I'd gotten used to the silence of the house and had trouble falling asleep.  I think I tossed and turned for over 2 hours.

Today is a snow day for me.  The kids are off school anyway, but I decided to err on the side of caution and stay home.  I'm glad I did.  Hubby went to work, though.  Because of his job, he doesn't know when he'll be home.

The psychologist called me to see if I wanted to try and make it in or reschedule.  So my first meeting with her has been postponed until I reschedule, hopefully for later this week.  I just need to muster up the nerve to call the office.

The kids are playing nicely and it's rather calm around here.

Time to go start on a crock pot dinner that I think Hubby will enjoy to the max!

Day 7 of 30 Days of Thankful

Day 7 -- I am thankful for my husband on this 7th day of November, which marks the 2 year anniversary when we decided to make our relationship official...or at least realize that we both didn't want to see other people pretty much since the day we started talking.  Hubby has shown me that there are good men in the world besides my dad and that chivalry isn't dead.  If it weren't for him, I wouldn't know what it was like to be truly loved.  He's generous to a fault at times and he is amazing with our kids. I'm so incredibly lucky to have met him.