It's a...

We had our super exciting anatomy scan on Friday, and Peanut is a boy!

The first thing the ultrasound tech saw was the lips/nose view (so flippin' cute), then when she moved the probe thing, there he was in all his glory, legs spread wide open, sharing with us his boy parts.  There was no mistaking his gender.

Poor DD was so distraught.  She wanted a sister so badly.  I had a gut feeling it was a girl, but I didn't share that with the kids because I didn't want them to be set on it.  I grew up with three brothers and I remember there were times when it would have been really nice to have a sister.  So I had hoped that my gut feeling was correct.  I did survive with no sisters and I think I turned out okay, so I know DD will be okay.

She's okay with it now, though.  I think she's just happy there will be a baby in the house.  She's constantly "hugging" the baby by putting her hands on my belly.  LB likes to lay his head on it and kiss it.  BB touches it, too, but only if he thinks he can feel him moving.

Peanut is also a little larger than average, which I kind of expected.  As the doctor put it, Hubby is a "pretty big dude".  He's big for the due date they gave me, anyway.  His size put his estimated due date at Nov. 9, a day before my calculated date based on ovulation.  See?  They should have used that date instead of my LMP date.

Unfortunately, despite the tech telling us how beautiful all of his parts looked, she ushered us out of the exam room in such a way that we were freaked out that something was wrong.  She had wanted someone else to take a look at something, but she wouldn't say what.  When the person couldn't come in to look, she said that baby needs a follow-up and the most she could say is that she doesn't know if something is wrong or not and I need to speak to my doctor.  What the heck?!

So then we're waiting for what feels like forever for the OB to come in for my regular check-up, and he says that I need to see a perinatal specialist (perinatologist?) because the tech had trouble seeing something in his heart.  Something having to do with the valves.  He says they didn't tell him what the problem was, but he only trust them to tell him what's normal, not what's abnormal.  He showed me the ultrasound worksheet to show me that everything else was fine (except apparently my fluid is on the high end of normal) and at the bottom in hand-written capital letters was *ABN HEART*.

We see the specialist and have another ultrasound tomorrow.  Hubby and I are pretty jarred by this and I don't know if this is something (if it truly is something) that can be bad for him while in the womb, or if it wouldn't be dangerous until he's born.  We're not telling many people about it until we really know what's going on.

I keep telling myself that as long I still feel him be-bopping around, I don't need to worry yet.  Easier said than done.

If you happen to read this, please pray that Peanut is okay and that Hubby and I will be able to appropriately handle whatever news is coming our way.  

4 days to go!

THIS IS THE WEEK!  I'M SO EXCITED!!!

Friday is the magical day that we get to see Peanut again and find out if he/she is a he or a she!  Hubby came home from a trip early this morning and greeted me in the bathroom, saying he had name ideas.  He wanted to do a combination of our parents' names.

This is the first that he has had a name suggestion without knowing the baby's gender.

Then he names names that are combos of our dads' names.  I like one of the combinations, but what if Peanut is a girl?!  I guess Friday we'll be able to sit down and have our discussion about it.  A lot of people are predicting a girl, I still have a gut feeling about a girl...we will see pretty soon.

So as I said, Hubby went on a trip.  He left last Friday while I was at work and didn't make it home until 4:15-ish this morning.  His parents built a home and moved up here from Fl0rid@ a couple months ago (actually, it's probably 3 months ago now).  The plan was for them and him to go back down in late August/early September to go get his step-grandmother and her belongings and move her up here, too. Obviously the plan got bumped up to June.  They took 2 days to get down there and the plan was that they'd make the drive back in one day.

Well, they didn't pack her stuff when they got down there, despite having the time to do it and while Hubby was up early and ready to get moving, his father wasn't, and they didn't get everything packed up and get onto the road until about 1 pm.  Add in traffic and such and having to drop off his dad about 1/2 hour away, Hubby didn't get home until I was just about to leave for work.

As much as I hate it when he leaves on trips, I love how affectionate he is when he gets home. After telling me that I was a sight for sore eyes, he met me on the stairs and started kissing me and holding me and I'm pretty sure he would have carried me everywhere he went around the house if I let him. He told me I should stay home from work and spend the day with him.  It was so tempting.  I didn't sleep worth beans the last two nights, I have a sore throat, and my whole body is sore from cleaning every spare moment I had while he was gone.

That's how I cope with being alone.  Cleaning.  I guess it's a good coping mechanism.  I did just about all of the laundry, cleaned the bathtub, vacuumed and washed all the main floors, did the dishes, put random things away that have been sitting out for who knows how long...and I know I did more than that, but I can't remember what.  I also went grocery shopping, cooked a meal on Saturday for the kids (just my two), and baked cookies with them Saturday afternoon.

As for the sleeping, the first night I spontaneously burst out crying as soon as I turned out the light and fell asleep that way (and I had thought I was holding up so well).  The next two nights I woke up after 2-3 hours and just couldn't go back to sleep.  It was too quiet.  I guess it's been long enough that hearing him breathe or stir in his sleep is comforting.  I also managed to wrap myself up in all the covers and stole his body pillow.

I'm just so glad he's back.  I can't wait to get home from work this afternoon.

My 30th birthday is on Saturday.  Thirty years old.  I remember being in the single digits, thinking that 10 would never come.  Then 13.  Then 16.  Then 18. Then 21.  Now I'm already 30?!  I never thought I'd dread the coming of age 30.  I guess I don't really dread it, but it does make me feel old.  Being pregnant at 30 makes me feel really old.  Older folks tell me I'm young and not to worry about 30...but I think I've been through so much in my 20s that I think life experience could put me closer to their ages.  I think that's what makes me feel old.

I guess one thing I have going for me is that I don't look 30.  Take that, age!

I told Hubby that I really don't expect to do anything for my birthday.  I know you only turn 30 once, but you also turn all of your other years just once.  I can't go out drinking to celebrate...not that I would want to.  The best birthday gift is my special appointment on Friday.  I don't think he's going to listen, though.  I'll worry about that when Saturday comes.

Ugh.  I feel cruddy.  I think this sore throat is the beginning of a cold, and I have no idea what or if I can take anything for it.

Off to do some research I go...

Some random ramblings

I'm listening to a co-worker report a car accident to his insurance company.  Apparently he was rear-ended and it really messed up his bumper.  He's pretty mad.  Poor guy.

I finally gave in and pulled out the box of maternity clothes last night.  I've been cheating the system by looping hairties around the buttons and through the button holes of my pants to give me more room, but even that method is starting to get a little snug.  I don't know why, but I've been dreading getting them out.  Since I started out at a healthy weight this time around, I feel like I needed them a bit sooner than I did before.

New symptoms: my hands have been swelling up a little bit (drinking water seems to help alleviate that), I've been super duper hungry, and if I sit for more than a few minutes it feels like my pelvis is splitting in half when I stand up and start walking around.

I've been feeling lots of movement, which I love, and Hubby likes to touch my belly, so he has been feeling some of it, too.

I really cannot wait to hold this little one.  This pregnancy has not been so unpleasant that I just want it to be over, but I can't wait to get to the end of it.

I raised my other two kids without or practically without their father.  I've never seen intimately the relationship of a father with his newborn child and I really want to experience that with Hubby.  I feel weird saying that or like I'm romanticizing this situation somehow.  I think I have one or two pictures of X holding my daughter when she was about a month old, but he is completely devoid of emotion and the picture means nothing.  I don't even remember seeing him feed, change, bathe her, put her to bed or nap with her.  It could be because I took over, but I'm pretty sure he was just that absent while he was there that none of those moments happened.

I hear Hubby talk about how good it felt when he would fall asleep with BB laying on his chest and it makes my heart ache.  I watched him teach LB how to ride a bike without training wheels yesterday (a work in progress, still) and it felt so amazing that I wanted to cry.

Ugh, I'm getting choked up just writing this.

I don't think he realizes just how great a dad he is and how thankful I am that our children have him.  How grateful I am that DD and LB have him now.  I really look forward to raising this one from day one with him.

***new day***

I'm trying to muster up the nerve to ask my manager if I can work from home. I've worked there for 3 years now, paying claims for about 2 1/2 of those 3. I've been told that I'm one of the best processors in the office as far as quality goes and lately they've been giving me more responsibility.  They would still have me work in the office about half of the time, but I have a few reasons why it would be beneficial (for both the work side and personal side) for me to work from home:

1. I would use less leave for appointments = working more

2. Save gas (especially if Hubby gets a new job)

3. Lessen school/childcare worries

4. A little more sleep = more productivity

5. Finally have the ability to do overtime work

6. The comforts of pumping at home vs. at work all the time

7. We have the workspace at home

I know there are more reasons, but those are the main thoughts I have.  Hubby has been applying for new jobs and if he is offered one, we wouldn't be able to commute together anymore.  And I get up before 4 am every weekday morning.  I've tried to do things to make it so I can get more sleep, but it's difficult.  I shower before I go to bed, get things ready before I go to bed, nap before work when I get there early, nap during my lunchbreak if I can.  I can never work the overtime they offer because I carpool and they sometimes offer it on weekends.  I have to take more leave to allow for commute time for appointments and most of the time I end up having to take off a full day of work.  If they really think I'm valuable, I think these are great reasons to work from home part-time.

I've probably been debating it for 2 months now.

***new day***

I was going to write about the choir, too, but I think this is long enough.

No real update about the situation with Exhibit A other than she's perturbed that Hubby is taking her back to court, but that's nothing new.  She's always mad about something.

Ha.

Ooo Peanut Peanut!

Yet again...wrote this on Tuesday and just now getting around to posting it?!

There has been a lot going on.  I mean, A LOT.

I had a baby check-up this past Friday.  It went well.  Peanut's heart rate was 133 bpm and we could hear him/her be-bopping around.

My anatomy scan is scheduled for June 27!  I can't wait!  Awesome slightly early birthday present for me!  

I haven't been nauseated in about 2 weeks, so I think the morning sickness phase is officially over!  Yay!  I still have daily headaches and nothing seems to relieve those, even Tyl3n0l.  The girls have grown about 3 cup sizes so far.  I feel like I have more energy now, but I still struggle with dozing off at work and I have no problem falling asleep early at night. I've been feeling braxton hicks contractions for some time now.  I got the sensation before I could ever feel my uterus myself, but now I can feel it harden a few times a day.

And as of last night I have officially felt baby movements externally!  That seems kind of early to me, as I'm not even 18 weeks yet.  The midwife on Friday said I should start feeling flutters soon and I told her I've been feeling movement for a while.  She looked at me like I had two heads and gave me a "Yeah, okay".  All day yesterday I was feeling the twitchy poky feeling very low on my left side, like where the end of my c-section scar is.  I was laying in bed last night and felt it and put my hand there and could actually feel it with my hand.  Hubby rolled over and put his hand there and said he thought he felt something, but I didn't feel it internally myself.  I've been feeling that tapping/poking/twitching for a couple weeks and I knew I wasn't crazy!

I've been having so many weird dreams and I would say at least twice per week I wake up mad at Hubby because of a dream.  The last one I remember like that was from Saturday night.  Hubby had gone out for his best friend's birthday dinner in real life that night and I had stayed home with the kids and did the dishes after they went to bed.  In the dream that night I did the same thing, except he came home and re-washed the dishes.  We started yelling at each other and I said, "You're just like [X]!  WHY WOULD YOU DO THAT TO ME?!"  So I was upset when I awoke until I remembered that he didn't actually do it.  We don't yell at each other in real life and Hubby doesn't ever re-do a chore I've just done.  X did, so that was part was accurate.

Stupid dreams.

There are only a handful of school days left for BB and DD this year.  I can't believe DD has just about completed her first year of school.  They both have done really well, too.  I think BB is on a third grade level with his math facts that he caught up on his reading level.  DD is on a first grade reading level as of the third marking period and is above the standard on everything else.

Exhibit A has been keeping us rather stressed out.  I had written out a whole slew of stuff that's been going on with her, but I think I will summarize and limit the details.

Before we went on our anniversary trip, I managed to piss her off and get myself threatened by her. I was going to say that she seems to be over it because she hasn't said anything about it since the day it happened, but the other day she was talking to Hubby after dropping BB off at our house and she saw me (*gasp* I live at my own house?!) and started making threats again.  He told her to stop and now he's planning what he's going to do if she actually attempts anything.

The big event happened while we were on our trip.  Long story short, while she had BB she threatened her own life with a weapon in front of him and now he's traumatized.  The police were involved but didn't do anything.  Hubby called CP$ and they won't take the case.

So Hubby went to the courthouse when he could and filed a petition to modify the order.  We managed to keep BB with us for her first period of custody after we found out, but the more time passes, the harder it is to keep him.  She had him this past weekend.

BB was so traumatized by this that he says he lays in bed at night and can't get the image out of his head and he's scared that she will chop her own head off.  And his behavior lately has been horrid.  And the more you try to put down boundaries and discipline him, the more of a bad parent he says you are because "Mommy isn't mean to me like this".  And you can't tell him that Mommy isn't being a good parent either by giving him everything he wants or demands and not meeting his real needs (like we just found out that on school mornings she'll have him go without breakfast...).  It's been worse since the suicide incident, so I think she's trying to make up for what she did and all it's doing it hurting people.

Exhibit A is begging for a grace period and for him not to go to court.  Hubby seems to be standing his ground this time.  Things started going to downhill since BB's birthday in April and I think Hubby has been gracious enough, all things considered.

I suppose that is all.  This has gotten long enough.  Meh.

Happy anniversary

Time is flying by so fast...I wrote this going on 3 weeks ago and saved it in an email. 

Hubby and I celebrated our first wedding anniversary by going to N1@g@r@ F@lls this past weekend.  LB and DD stayed with my parents and BB was with his mother, so we were childless.  It was busy, but relaxing at the same time!

Friday I left work at noon, was home by 1 pm, was finished packing up and ready to drop LB off with my parents by 1:45 pm.  It was a 7+ hour drive from home to our mini-vacation spot and Hubby drove the entire way (thank you!).  We arrived around 9 pm, checked in to our hotel, then headed to the falls to see the illuminations and fireworks, which were beautiful.

It was cold!  Not p0l@r v0rt3x cold, but it was cold!  I had sweater and my lighter coat on, both hoods up.  I think if I had brought gloves I would have been warm enough.  Hubby wore shorts and a t-shirt and maybe a hoodie all weekend.  Crazy nut.

Oh, we stayed on the American side.  According to Hubby, if we stayed on the Canadian side and used passports, it would make his background check at work much more extensive.  My passport expired in December anyway and this trip was kind of last minute, so we wouldn't have been able to get them in time anyway!

After the fireworks we walked back to our hotel, took showers, and went to bed.

The hotel we stayed in was okay.  It was hard to find one that wasn't too expensive, but was also closer to the falls and had good reviews.  We knew that it wasn't going to be a luxury hotel by any means and many of the reviews said it needs updating, but we thought it would be good enough for us, considering we probably wouldn't be spending much time in the room.  The reviews were pretty accurate and reading them ahead of time made seeing the state of the hotel kind of comical.  There were lumps in the carpet, which was frayed and starting to curl away from the walls.  The wallpaper was starting to come off and there were stains in the ceiling tiles.  The bathroom was renovated, though, and the bed was small, but comfortable.  One thing I hate about hotel rooms is how humid they are, but this one wasn't at all, even after we took our showers.  The heater worked well and it ended up being a comfortable little room.

Everything was within walking distance, which was nice.  Not so nice for my hips and lower back, but it was good exercise.  There was a helipad nearby, so we could watch the helicopter tours take off and land from our hotel window.

We slept in a little on Saturday, had breakfast in the restaurant on the ground level of the hotel, then headed out to do the M@1d 0f th3 M1st experience.

There were a lot of people from different countries there.  And they were rude.  So rude!  I can't count the number of times someone pushed me out of the way without saying excuse me or sorry.  People were always butting in front of us, and if we kept closely to the people in front of us, I'd get shoved out of the way and the people would cut in.  I kept getting hit in the back of the legs with strollers.  That part was not fun.

The tour was cool, though.  We got a little wet from the mist, but stayed dry for the most part because of the ponchos they gave us and because we stayed on the lower level of the boat.  I got some good pictures, I think.  The falls are so powerful and beautiful.  God is good.

After that...what did we do...I think we went back to the room to warm up and wound up taking a good 2 hour nap.  Then we grabbed a hot dog and some fries from a kiosk near the hotel and headed to G0@t 1sl@nd to see the falls a bit closer.

We got to see the powerful N1@g@r@ river pretty closely and then discovered that the C@v3 0f th3 W1nds was open (the concierge at the hotel had said it was being rebuilt and wasn't open to tourists yet, so this was a welcome surprise!).  It really wasn't fully rebuilt yet, but we did get to walk a little closer to the falls and we got up close and personal with the seagulls that were sitting all over the place.  I was quite enamoured with them and took pictures.  Haha.

Then we walked the remainder of G0@t 1sl@nd that we could (there was a lot of construction blocking off parts of the island) and took a bunch of pictures.  My hips and back were so sore by then that we headed back to the hotel for a breather and to figure out where to go for dinner.  Hubby really wanted to have some authentic NY pizza, so he found a place called D0n@t3ll0's nearby and off we went.  We drove.  It was close enough again that we could have walked, but I was really sore and didn't want to actually hurt myself or Peanut by doing too much.

Dinner was delicious.  We got some ice cream from another kiosk near the hotel and settled into our room and watched M@n 0f St33l on television.  Then we got our showers and headed to bed.

We slept in a little on Sunday and checked out of the hotel.  Hubby drove the entire way home (thank you again!).  He said our newish van is so comfortable that he really didn't mind.

When we got home, we exchanged anniversary gifts.  He found two set of his and hers pillow cases that were really cute.  He had already given me a necklace quite some time ago that he bought too early and was too excited to wait to show me, which I have been wearing pretty regularly.  I wrote him a letter (I told him that if I write him letters on every occasion and STILL have things to say, he should be happy...haha) and I had gotten him a terrarium that had our wedding picture inside as well as a paper theme for our first anniversary.

Then he wanted to go to a local nursery to look at some bushes for our yard (where does all this energy come from?!), and we went to 0l1v3 G@rd3n for our celebratory dinner.

We came back home, and he had the idea that he wanted to competitively target shoot against me with a bb gun.  I didn't think that was fair because he hunts and I haven't shot a bb gun since I was a kid.  I won, though I don't think he was trying very hard.

I have a confession to make.  I don't like hunting and I don't like guns, but he looks really hot shooting one.  Don't tell him I said that.  I'll deny it!

We then looked over our vacation pictures and called it a night.

Whew.