Conflicted on this whole blog thing...

Long time, no see. Possibly never see again after this...in the blogging world, I mean.

I've been battling some crazy stuff this year. That seems to be the story of my life.

I've tried writing an update many times and wound up deleting it because it became too long and I wasn't even finished writing.

I don't think there is a way to make a long story short.

My children and husband are doing great. Work is going well. Things in general are wonderful and we are greatly blessed.

Back in March I went and archived all of the blog posts I had written about my ex. I didn't delete them, I just didn't want them to show up in regular reading anymore. It had been over 2 years since I had any contact with him and I genuinely thought it was a chapter in my life that was finally closed.  Wouldn't you know it...right after I did that, my ex popped back into the picture. He wanted to set up visitation again.

Before I even got into that I proposed the adoption idea. He completely ignored it. I guess that's better than getting cussed out.

We found a supervised visitation program and we were being cordial with one another.

While trying to figure out a schedule he must have thought that he wasn't going to get what he wanted (might I add that the program manager and I had agreed that what I was proposing was best for the kids, but it wasn't the final decision unless he agreed to it) and that is when things went downhill.

He was becoming more agitated via text message and I had my husband calling to tell me that his ex was coming to him with all these accusations about me and my family, refusing to reveal her source.

That was pretty stupid. You would think if he wanted to attack me through her he would at least choose some new material. I knew exactly who her source was because it was exactly the same things he was saying years ago when he was threatening to take it all to my church family. It was all untrue. Anything that had started out true (and innocent, for that matter) was twisted around so much that it was certainly a lie. She confirmed her source after not much time by sending Hubby screenshots of their conversation on Facebook messenger, which showed his picture. Brilliant, I tell you.

Fortunately Hubby and I had talked about all the tough stuff long before we got married. I'm positive if you can talk about the scary and difficult things openly from the start then you can easily recognize the lies later on.

I'm not sure what their goal was. Destroy our marriage? Find a reason to take away our children? I'm fairly certain that if I were any danger I would be the one who lost custody.

Fast forward to about 2 weeks later...I was being accused of actively cheating on my husband. They said they had documented proof. Funny enough, Hubby didn't receive any screenshots of that. I know if they had anything they would have sent it (and it would have been fake or belonged to someone else).

She said there were e-mails and blog posts from February. That's when I started feeling uncomfortable with keeping this blog. This is the only diary I keep. I haven't posted anything since January until now. Do I keep chugging along, pretending like what they say doesn't matter? Or I do lock myself up so I can't be read? Do I get rid of this thing and never write again? Do I really have to give them that power over me?

I still don't know the right answer. My mom told me I should journal. Hand-journaling takes entirely too much time. I did think about locking up this blog so I can journal, and I still may.

Hubby told his ex that he trusts me and she needs to stop. Things were quiet for a while. The kids have been seeing him for an hour per week rather consistently since June. About two weeks ago he started back up with talking to Hubby's ex. He was telling her the same things as before.

If they are trying to create a rift between us, it isn't working. We have trust for one another and a marriage that is centered around God and our relationship with Him. I am in a better place now than I have ever been in every possible way. It feels amazing. God has been tremendously amazing in our lives.

What is causing a rift in our marriage is that we don't see eye-to-eye when it comes down to how we handle this stuff. I say stand your ground...be firm. He says stay low...keep the peace however possible.

This is only a portion of what I have had to deal with.

I'm trying so hard just to let go and let God.

Distracting myself = Productiveness

So...

I think this is the first time sitting at my home computer and writing since I moved.

Everything else I've done is usually written on an e-mail draft or notepad page and then copied and posted on my phone or ipad.

The hubster is back from his trip.  I can't tell if he enjoyed his trip or not.  He keeps talking about it, but also says he's so glad to be home.  I didn't enjoy him not being here, but I sure did accomplish a lot.

He left Thursday night.  I think that was the first time he had ever seen me cry.  He wanted to know what I was so worried about.  I wasn't really worried about anything, I just didn't want him to leave.  The tears were uncontrollable.  I wound up crying myself to sleep that night and my eyes were swollen until after lunch break on Friday.

I worked on Friday and that evening my younger brother and his wife came over for dinner to keep me company.  They brought some adult beverages, which we enjoyed, and they left around 11 pm.  I cried again, but I didn't fall asleep that way.

Saturday I did all the laundry spent all day rearranging the cupboards in the kitchen.  It wasn't my plan for the day, but it sure was funny last night when he got home and went to get a drink and couldn't find the glasses.  I was cleaning off the countertops and moving things that I didn't like.  I moved the knife block and spice rack next to the stove and decided that the rest of the spices and cooking ingredients should be near the stove, too.  Out went the cups and mugs, in went the spices and such as well as measuring cups, mixing bowls and storage containers.  Cups went into where the spices were, while I decided the mugs should be near the coffee maker.  Out went the kids' dishes and other random things that were in there and in went the coffee mugs and water bottles that we don't use much.  Then I decided that the rest of the nicer dishes and wine glasses can go in the cupboard with the glass cups.  Out went those dishes and in went the kids' stuff.  Ta-da!

So it wasn't intentional. More of a domino effect.

Sunday we went to church and I had nursery duty (5 kids 2 and under in there...3 were under a year old).  I forgot to mention that BB's mother had him all this time, but she did let him return to church.  Yay!  We had an early dinner out with my parents, then I took a nap at their house and went home to clean while the kiddos spent the night at my parents' house.  I vacuumed the entire house, cleaned our bedroom, put away all the laundry, changed our sheets, washed all the dishes, took out the trash...I think that's it.

Who wouldn't want to go away on a trip with no running water, cooped up in a little cabin with 3 or 4 other men, not changing clothes or shaving for 5 days, and come home to a clean house?

I went to work on Monday and anxiously awaited the return of my husband.

He was good about sending me messages when he could and he called once or twice a day despite bad cell service.  I did cry at least a little every day.  I tried not to let on that I was upset whenever we hung up, but he told me he could hear it in my voice.

I tried to tell him that it would be so much easier if I didn't get upset like that.  I don't like feeling that way, but I can't help it.

He seemed truly happy to see me when he came through the door.  He dropped all his stuff right when got inside with a huge smile on his face and then gathered me up in his arms for big hug and a kiss.

Even though it makes me anxious to hear him talk about guns and shooting things (don't ask...I don't know why), I let him talk and talk and mull over things and watched him eat the leftover lasagna soup that he likes so much.

I thought I would sleep better last night, but I think I'd gotten used to the silence of the house and had trouble falling asleep.  I think I tossed and turned for over 2 hours.

Today is a snow day for me.  The kids are off school anyway, but I decided to err on the side of caution and stay home.  I'm glad I did.  Hubby went to work, though.  Because of his job, he doesn't know when he'll be home.

The psychologist called me to see if I wanted to try and make it in or reschedule.  So my first meeting with her has been postponed until I reschedule, hopefully for later this week.  I just need to muster up the nerve to call the office.

The kids are playing nicely and it's rather calm around here.

Time to go start on a crock pot dinner that I think Hubby will enjoy to the max!

Sick and tired if being ill and tired

I haven't slept worth beans in about 4 days.  I had a scratchy throat and woke up with a full-blown awful cold on Thursday.  I called in sick on Friday because I felt like crap and couldn't sleep due to non-stop coughing.  It's been that way every since.  Lots of coughing, little to no sleep unless I nap during the day.

Like I said, I called off work on Friday.  Hubby took the kids to daycare and I napped as much as I could until the kids got home around 3:30.

That night there was a trunk-or-treat event at the elementary school.  My plan was to help the kids get made up for it and then let Hubby take them.  He said I couldn't miss it, though, because it was a neat first time thing for all of us and I needed to be there to experience it.  It was neat, but it was cold and I think it may have been too much for me.  On the plus side, then kiddos had their picture taken and should be in the local paper.

Hubby got up really early Saturday morning to go hunting (ugh), so I was left with the kids until he got home, which I think was around 2 pm.  I am fortunate to be able to say that the kids were well-behaved and SS was especially helpful, so I could nap and take it easy until he got home.

Sunday I stayed home from church because I still felt bad.  Besides, when I dropped the kids off for Sunday School in the morning no one would let me come inside because of how bad I sounded, and when I came to pick them up after a few hours everyone who saw me would make an 'x' with their pointer fingers and back up.

It's not like I have the plague...for goodness sake.

Even my parents wanted to pick the kids up from my house so I didn't come over to theirs.  While my mom made it seem like it was so I could rest more, it felt more like they just didn't want me to infect everyone.

It ended up being pretty nice because Hubby and I got over 24 hours of alone time.

Yesterday we had the parent-teacher conferences early in the morning.  With the way they were scheduled I was able to attend the one for SS and Hubby attended the one for DD.

SS is doing great with his spelling and I think he's doing pretty well with his math.  He didn't pass his last math test, but his teacher thinks it's because he ran out of time, not because he got any wrong.  He has 1 minute to answer 12 math problems and he didn't answer three, and they can only miss one and still pass.  His reading level is almost a year behind.  He also has issues with the sound of a pencil on paper. He covers his ears because he says it hurts.  I think this is misophony, which is something I seem to suffer from with other sounds.  He also seems to rush through his work, which makes his writing sloppy, and he loses his attention pretty fast.

Hubby and I think all of this means that he needs to focus more on school and less on sports.  SS's mother disagrees.

The thing is, we're fairly certain that she doesn't do any kind of reading or practicing with him while she has him Saturday night through Tuesday morning. One time I heard her arguing with Hubby, saying that it takes away from their time to do fun stuff.

But then when we have him during the week, he literally gets home, has an hour to do homework and eat dinner, then goes off to practice, gets home, takes a shower, settles down and sometimes reads, and then goes to bed...just to do it all again the next day.  Cut out the practices, and he could take his time doing homework so he actually understands what he's doing and why, take time to read a book and understand it, and have time to go over the math flashcards so he can answer the math questions faster.

Maybe we're wrong, but I'm pretty sure we're not.  And Hubby had a valid point that if he's in sports when he's older and his grades are suffering he won't be allowed to play due to school rules.

So while his conference wasn't awesome, I think it's something that can be fixed...though it seems like fixing it will complicate other things.

DD's conference went really well.  Her teacher showed me one of her journals, which was really cute.  She said that DD is a real sweetheart and is really kind to the other kids.  She has mastered her letters and apparently is on a higher reading level.  Or at least it's higher for kindergarteners.  She said that the books she's reading are challenging for her, but if she took her down a level they would be too easy.  For math and language arts she scored where a child halfway through the kindergarten year would be.  The only negative thing she said was that she is easily distracted by the other kids or the world around her and she sometimes doesn't finish her work.

Besides the conference, DD loves to do homework and she asks to do it, even when she doesn't have any.

After the conferences, we did some birthday shopping for DS and priced pre-lit Christmas trees and got some lunch.  Then we came home and I took a nap.  Then we went to my parents' house for dinner.

And now I'm back at work after another restless night.  I normally try to nap when I get here, but I have a feeling that I'd be more groggy if I did that.  I have too much work to do to be extra groggy.  A portion of my desk looks like a small pharmacy, but I hope it'll get me through the day.

I guess I'll get an slightly early start on my work.

Oh yeah, I want to change the initials for DS and SS to LB and BB.  I call them both "Bud" and they get confused...so I started calling DS "Little Bud" and SS "Big Bud".  And it's more fitting because while BB is my step-son, he's more like my own.

Off to work mode I go...

I have awesome kids

Hubby's furlough ended late last Wednesday, which is good. He should be receiving back pay, which is good, too.  We just don't know when he'll get it.  He thinks it'll be in 2 weeks.  I don't.  I guess we'll see!

 

He said having that time off made him realize just how much he dislikes his job.  I told him that if he dislikes his job that much then he should start looking for another. I know he probably wouldn't get paid as much as he does now, but we can adjust accordingly and I think it could be good for his mental and emotional health.

 

I am so so so SO proud of my kids.  SS has been doing great in football lately (even though I don't like the practice/game schedule it's really cool to hear) and his behavior at home has been better, too.   Granted, he's fighting with the other two like regular siblings.  He's been getting good grades on his spelling and math tests.

 

DD is doing really well in school, I think.  I am really impressed with her reading.  She helps me read every night and in doing that I've discovered that she can read most words up to three letters, knows a lot of four letter words (ahem...not curse words), knows all of the spelled-out numbers, and she has been mentally sounding out words! She made me so proud that I had to stop in the middle of the book and give her a good squeeze.  She also loves doing her school work.  She asks for homework every night (though she usually doesn't have any at all) and when does have homework or a project to work on, she'll sit down with me and work on it until it's finished or we have to stop.

 

In reading every day, DS is memorizing the books we've been reading and usually when DD gets stuck on a word he chimes right in with the correct one!  Sometimes he extends the sentence a bit longer than it's supposed to be, but it makes for a good laugh.  I know that's the start of reading for him...memorization and then recognition of words.  I had heard that boys develop slower than girls in some ways (is that true?), but I think because he has a big sister he picks up things faster.  He walked before his sister.  I think he has picked up talking faster than his sister did, though I still can't understand what he's saying at times...especially when he's tired.  He was fully potty trained long before his sister was.  He's not even 4 years old yet and he's been sleeping through the night with just regular underwear and no bed-wetting.  He does have the occasional mishap, but I think that's because I sometimes don't limit his liquid intake as I should.  I don't think DD slept through the night without wetting the bed or a diaper until after 5 years old at least.

 

Baby-wise, we officially decided about 3 weeks ago that I would stop taking my pill.  I've been charting just so I have an idea of what's going on, especially after whatever that was that happened last month with the 2 weeks of pain and such.  So far I had a short cycle (like 20 days) and it appeared to be anovulatory, which is disheartening.  Not because we didn't conceive the first month, but because it makes me wonder if that plus last month's issue could be indicative of a greater problem.  I haven't been pregnant in almost 4 years and I'm almost 30.  I know my body has changed, so I'm not expecting this to be as uncomplicated as it was before.  When we decided to do this we agreed that we couldn't be actively trying, whatever that means for us.  I am charting so I at least know what my cycles are like now and with regular intimacy and his expressed excitement maybe we're not not-trying.  I think I've confused myself.

 

Anyway, I think any more talk of this will be written in my baby/kids blog that I don't update.  I don't know who has found my blog and don't particularly want people (specifically family and co-workers) to know until there is something to share.

 

I suppose that's it for now.  Work starts in 6 minutes!

The weekend and the unforeseeable future

We had a rather nice weekend.

I had horrible cramps and back pain all day Friday, so by the time I got home from work I was in a horrendous mood and exhausted by the time the kids were in bed.  Friday nights are "us" nights and we usually end up watching a movie and sharing popcorn and an adult beverage or two, but this time we couldn't decide what to do and just lounged around and ended up going to bed a little earlier.

Saturday I was gifted with sleeping in until about 9 a.m.. I haven't done that in years! SS didn't have a football game, so we were just putzing around all morning. After lunch we headed out for some fun at Chuck-3-Ch33s3's and then stopped for gelatis on the way home. I had dinner cooking the crockpot, so we had an early dinner of italian crockpot chicken with fun spiraly pasta at 4 p.m., then went to a music fest at my church. Then SS had to be taken to his mom's house and we came back home and did our normal Saturday night routine.

Yesterday was choir Sunday at church, so I had to get DD and DS and myself ready for early rehearsal.  My parents surprised me with a conductor's baton before practice started.

Coolest thing ever!

I'm a such a nerd.  I got so excited about that little plastic stick.  I had been using an ink pen or a pencil.  I don't know why but the singers pay attention to those better than my hands, but I think the novelty of the baton made them pay even better attention.  It probably helps that I got carried away playing around with it: pointing it at people like a magic wand, swinging it through the air and making swooshing sword noises, pretending like it would fly out of my hand and whack someone if they weren't watching me, tapping it on my music stand and clearing my throat like I'm important or something, etc.

No one can say choir practice isn't fun.

Anyway, I thought they did a really good job.  It's pretty neat to think about how far we've come in the last year and a half.

SS was brought to church by his mother, which was good, and there was a lunch after service. Hubby had asked me to keep it a secret to SS, and I tried to do that, but I guess in Sunday School it was mentioned and SS was begging me to call his mom to see if he could stay.

Awkward...

After finding out that Hubby had already gotten a no from her (hence the secrecy), he did end up being able to stay and eat a plate a food really fast while she waited outside and I fixed a plate of dessert that he could take home and share with his mom.

I know this is weird, but I've encouraged Hubby and SS to invite her into the church.  I don't care if SS sits with me.  It's not a competition to see who is a better mother. She talks about how she gives up her time to let him attend.  What better way to get that time back than to attend with him? She can even bring her boyfriend with her.  She won't do it, though. I'm convinced it will change her entire life she'd just take the chance.

Anyway, I got a nice nap in the afternoon and we went out for my dad's birthday dinner later.  Mmm...chinese food.  Unfortunately, I was still full from lunch. Fortunately, it was a buffet, so I could pick little bits of a different stuff without overeating.

On the way home I brought up the subject of babies. I've been thinking a lot about it since Friday due to the last two weeks of whatever that was. I'm not convinced it was just in my head or wacky hormones because I still don't feel normal (though I'm gradually getting there) and this visit from AF doesn't seem normal either.  He told me he was just thinking about it that afternoon, so it's pretty coincidental that I brought it up.  We talked about fears and concerns and how we could go about it.  We would be affected by this government shut-down, if it happens.  Our plan for now is for me to call the doctor and get a new prescripition for my pills, since it expired, and I may or may not take it on Thursday.  I guess we'll see what happens.

 

No breath-holding here.

Post-wedding Part 1

It's been nearly 4 months since I remarried. After getting a rather random comment from someone who is writing again, I'm trying to decide if maybe things have settled down enough in my life to be able to maybe start writing regularly. And the last thing I wrote was just because I feel like I'm about to go crazy because I feel like I can't talk to anyone about it!  So let's see if I can do a summary of the last 4+ months, post wedding:

 

Marriage/Kids:  Married life has been pretty amazing. I have a supportive, helpful, attentive, caring husband who seems to still really love me and the kids.  I don't think you'd be able to tell by how I act throughout the day, though. Quite frankly, I'm exhausted all the time. And I don't feel like I get much time with my new blended family, as SS is gone half of the time with his mother and the rest of the time he and Hubby are at football practice or games. In some ways I feel like we're still separated into two families and it really gets to me sometimes. I don't feel like I get adequate time with SS, though he nows cuddles with me before he goes to bed and I get lots of kisses and hugs. I'm at the point where I love him as my own son and I want to tell him so, I just don't know how to go about it and don't want him to feel like he has to return the feelings.

 

This lack of time together also makes me quite grouchy when Hubby mentions needing "me time".  I guess it's different when he really is so busy as opposed to wanting his time when he isn't doing squat for the rest of the time. When he gets that time it truly does seem to help him in some way and when he sees me later or even calls while he's out, he an ultra-awesome husband.

 

It's really nice to not be worried about finances. The only time we cut it close is when we paid too many bills at once (because of me...whoops), but it worked out just fine. I've been building up my credit and now I can be approved for cards that have no annual fee and a higher limit.  It feels really good to be free of that part of my past.

 

Hubby really appreciates me and the things I do.  He's told me a number of times that I'm an amazing wife and would have been the perfect housewife if I didn't have to work. I don't quite understand it because that's what wives are supposed to do, but I guess when you come from previous relationships like we did, you really notice and appreciate the difference.

 

The kids are doing well.  DD started kindergarten on August 21st. She says she loves riding the bus and she loves the school work.  She talks about her friends and other than being tired and giving me attitude when she gets home, she seems to be doing a great job.  DS misses his sister during the day, but I think he really likes the extra attention he gets from my parents when they watch him and Hubby when he keeps him on Fridays. They and SS get along like brothers and sister.  I think the newness has worn off and they fight and bicker like regular siblings.  It's really fun to watch and listen to them pretend play.

 

Well, I guess I'll cut off here and continue on a new entry. I hate writing book-long entries.  Well, I don't hate writing them, but it's hard to go back and read them.  Ha. They probably end up so long because of nonsensicle rambling like this!