So it's been a while...
I haven't posted since November because I haven't had my computer on since November!
It has been kind of liberating, not getting sucked into this thing for 2.5+ months. I accomplished more at home, spent more time with my kids, got back into reading, spent a lot of time talking to and seeing my boyfriend.
Boyfriend. It still feels weird to say that.
I've been trying to write this entry for 2 weeks now...or at least since I posted on FB how blessed I feel and someone requested more info.
Things are going well, I think. My boyfriend (from now on known as BF) and I are still going strong. We see each other at least 3 times per week and talk every work morning and every night. Mondays are date nights. Wednesdays are "family nights", where we get together and take our children somewhere fun. And Saturday nights have been spent together at my house after he drops his son (now known as BFS) off with his mother or grandmother.
BFS seems to be warming up to me a bit. He used to not look at or speak to me, but now sometimes he calls me by my name and asks me questions or tells me things. He and my kids get along pretty well, too, I think.
DD and DS really like BF. Nearly every day, all day, DS asks, [BF] here?" They're always excited to see him and he is so good with them. He helps me get them strapped in their car seats when we go out, and he'll hold DD's hand when my arms are full with DS, and when I can't keep up with both of them he'll seek out DS and carry him so I can chase after DD. And I didn't ask him to do any of it.
About 3 weeks ago, he was over on a Saturday and I was getting the kids in bed. DD was saying her good nights and told BF that she loves him. I froze because I didn't expect her to say that and I didn't know how BF or my parents would rake it. But they acted as if it was a normal thing and everything was fine. BF told me later that he thought it was sweet.
I knew she been feeling that way, so I wasn't shocked. A few weeks prior she was telling me how much she likes BF and his son and she said, "I hope they love me, too." That made me feel really good. It's pretty cool to see them develop some sort of natural bond (I don't know what else to call it). I haven't pushed for any of it to happen...it just seems to be going along just fine on its own.
BF and I shared our first "I love you"s when we got together to ring in the new year. He says I'm his best friend. We share all kinds of things with each other without judgment. He trusted me enough to tell me about his rough past and I've been able to open up to him about some tough subjects. It feels so good to have this kind of relationship with someone. It's still so new to me. There is so much trust and openness and love. And people can see it.
Words can't describe how much I care about this man. I can see us being together for a very long time. Apparently a lot of other people can, too. My mother has brought up marriage multiple times. My dad brought it up to my mom. My future SIL brought it up last Sunday, as did my Pastor's wife.
He and I have never sat down and discussed it, though he has dropped hints more than once that it's something he would like to eventually happen.
It shocks me a bit that my mom, of all people, would suggest it already. She's the one who pounded it into my head not to settle for the next guy who came along. It means a lot to me that she likes him, though. She has told me numerous times how she and everyone else tried to warn me about X, but I wouldn't listen. So now I'm listening intently and all she's saying is, "Let's get this man saved so you two can get married!"
There are some things going on in our lives that keep us from seeing each other as much as we want to (like kids/custody, for one), thus making it more difficult to proceed to the next step, if that's what is supposed to happen. We both wonder what would have happened if we had met a long time ago. I think we were both completely different people back then and I'm fairly certain it wouldn't have gone anywhere, or it would have gone badly.
He always tells me that everything happens for a reason. I believe that, too. And I think having kids (and whatever else comes up) keeps us grounded and forces us to pace ourselves. I don't want to rush into anything. There is too much at stake. I'm quite thankful for having things that make us have to slow down and think things through.
And quite frankly, the thought of marriage scares me now. I know I can commit. That is not the issue. It's the fear of making a mistake again. I know my feelings for him are real and completely different from anything I have ever felt. But I can't guarantee that his won't change for me.
In other news...
Things have been great at work. I was promoted midway through December to processing claims. And then just this week I found out that I received a generous raise! That's 2 raises and 1 promotion in just over 8 months of employment. I didn't even know that was possible and I certainly didn't expect the second raise because I didn't think my 6 month review went as well as it should have. So I feel quite blessed and now I feel like I need to work harder!
I am now directing the choir at my church. It's kind of messy how I got there, but we have had two rehearsals and a limited group of people, but I think it's going well. I was really nervous with the first practice. But this last one is the one I think was really good. We're practicing "It Is Well With My Soul". Last week we went over the different parts. This week we reviewed the parts and then added in dynamics.
At one point I was so moved that I couldn't even sing anymore! It was so powerful and it just got to me. The best thing is that I feel like no one is trying to outshine anyone else. Even though there was only one soprano (and me, when I chimed in) and one tenor, I didn't hear specific people. I heard one voice. One beautiful sound! I could tell by how everyone was smiling afterwards, they heard and felt it, too. I think we can do great things and I'm really excited to see how it goes.
Well, I suppose that's it for now. I'm done writing a novel. I have a bit of stuff to accomplish before BF comes over in a couple hours.
I hope to write again much sooner next time!
