Conflicted on this whole blog thing...

Long time, no see. Possibly never see again after this...in the blogging world, I mean.

I've been battling some crazy stuff this year. That seems to be the story of my life.

I've tried writing an update many times and wound up deleting it because it became too long and I wasn't even finished writing.

I don't think there is a way to make a long story short.

My children and husband are doing great. Work is going well. Things in general are wonderful and we are greatly blessed.

Back in March I went and archived all of the blog posts I had written about my ex. I didn't delete them, I just didn't want them to show up in regular reading anymore. It had been over 2 years since I had any contact with him and I genuinely thought it was a chapter in my life that was finally closed.  Wouldn't you know it...right after I did that, my ex popped back into the picture. He wanted to set up visitation again.

Before I even got into that I proposed the adoption idea. He completely ignored it. I guess that's better than getting cussed out.

We found a supervised visitation program and we were being cordial with one another.

While trying to figure out a schedule he must have thought that he wasn't going to get what he wanted (might I add that the program manager and I had agreed that what I was proposing was best for the kids, but it wasn't the final decision unless he agreed to it) and that is when things went downhill.

He was becoming more agitated via text message and I had my husband calling to tell me that his ex was coming to him with all these accusations about me and my family, refusing to reveal her source.

That was pretty stupid. You would think if he wanted to attack me through her he would at least choose some new material. I knew exactly who her source was because it was exactly the same things he was saying years ago when he was threatening to take it all to my church family. It was all untrue. Anything that had started out true (and innocent, for that matter) was twisted around so much that it was certainly a lie. She confirmed her source after not much time by sending Hubby screenshots of their conversation on Facebook messenger, which showed his picture. Brilliant, I tell you.

Fortunately Hubby and I had talked about all the tough stuff long before we got married. I'm positive if you can talk about the scary and difficult things openly from the start then you can easily recognize the lies later on.

I'm not sure what their goal was. Destroy our marriage? Find a reason to take away our children? I'm fairly certain that if I were any danger I would be the one who lost custody.

Fast forward to about 2 weeks later...I was being accused of actively cheating on my husband. They said they had documented proof. Funny enough, Hubby didn't receive any screenshots of that. I know if they had anything they would have sent it (and it would have been fake or belonged to someone else).

She said there were e-mails and blog posts from February. That's when I started feeling uncomfortable with keeping this blog. This is the only diary I keep. I haven't posted anything since January until now. Do I keep chugging along, pretending like what they say doesn't matter? Or I do lock myself up so I can't be read? Do I get rid of this thing and never write again? Do I really have to give them that power over me?

I still don't know the right answer. My mom told me I should journal. Hand-journaling takes entirely too much time. I did think about locking up this blog so I can journal, and I still may.

Hubby told his ex that he trusts me and she needs to stop. Things were quiet for a while. The kids have been seeing him for an hour per week rather consistently since June. About two weeks ago he started back up with talking to Hubby's ex. He was telling her the same things as before.

If they are trying to create a rift between us, it isn't working. We have trust for one another and a marriage that is centered around God and our relationship with Him. I am in a better place now than I have ever been in every possible way. It feels amazing. God has been tremendously amazing in our lives.

What is causing a rift in our marriage is that we don't see eye-to-eye when it comes down to how we handle this stuff. I say stand your ground...be firm. He says stay low...keep the peace however possible.

This is only a portion of what I have had to deal with.

I'm trying so hard just to let go and let God.

Every woman's fear

Yesterday Hubby's ex-wife (did I call her Exhibit A before?) told him in many more inappropriate and vulgar words that they should get back together. 

Part of me wants to rip into her, but the better part of me feels like it doesn't even deserve acknowledgement from either of us.

I cannot wait to talk with my therapist this afternoon. It makes me sick to my stomach. 

Days 11-18 of 30 Days of Thankful

Day 11 -- I'm thankful for my church family.  I've grown up in that church.  They've watched me go through the different phases of my life and they have been so supportive and encouraging.  I'm really thankful that my children can grow up in that church, too.

 

Day 12 -- I'm thankful for music.  It speaks to me in a way nothing else does. It's not the lyrics of a song that does it, though I do enjoy the words of most songs.  It's the harmony.  It's the arrangement.  It's the instruments.  It's the fullness of the sounds.  It's the beat, the rhythm, the phrasing, the complexity.  It cheers me up.  It calms me down.  It helps me cry when I didn't know I needed to.  It gives me chills.  It helps me concentrate.  I am so thankful for music.

 

Day 13 -- I'm thankful for the church choir.  I didn't know I could ever successfully direct or lead anything.  The people in that group are so much fun and they are so talented and make a wonderful choir.  I think what we present is God-pleasing and most of the time there is a moment in whatever song we're sharing that I'm moved to tears.  I've done things I never thought I could do, and several times the group as a whole didn't think we could accomplish a rather daunting idea I had, but we did and we did it pretty well.  Working with that group is very uplifting and we have a good time together.

 

Day 14 -- I'm thankful for our Pastor.  He's been with us for about 2 years now, I think, and while I loved our old Pastor, I think the new one has caused some necessary changes and he keeps us all in check.  I think he has facilitated a new life of the church and God is going to do great things with him.

Day 15 -- I'm thankful for the interim Pastor who stepped in while the search was going on for the new pastor and I was in the middle of one of the most difficult times of my life.  He wasn't around long, but every sermon he presented was something that applied to my life at the time.  I even asked my mother if she had talked to him about me because it felt like what he had prepared was specifically for me.  God worked wonders through him because when I was at my lowest, his sermons were exactly what I needed to feel convicted and start heading on the right path.

Day 16 -- I'm thankful for financial stability.  Hubby and I have both come from relationships that destroyed our credit and it's exciting to know watch things improve and help each other make it even better.  It's wonderful not to be stressed about money all the time.  We're not monetarily wealthy by any means, but we are comfortable with where we are and for that I am thankful.

Day 17 -- I'm thankful to be able to buy groceries and cook.  I'm thankful to give my family healthy meals that they enjoy...most of the time.

Day 18 -- This day of thankful falls on our 1/2 year anniversary.  I'm thankful to have a Christ-centered marriage.  It's difficult to maintain because I end up going to church alone nearly 100% of the time, but Hubby is open to discuss God's place in our marriage at any time and we hold each other accountable.  It's refreshing and encouraging and it makes me love H/him even more.

Days 8-10 of 30 Days of Thankful

Day 8 -- I'm thankful for our house. It's the first place where I've felt at home in years. I think it's perfect for our family and there is potential for expansion whenever our family expands. We have a beautiful large fenced in yard that's perfect for the kids and I feel safe here. When we were looking at houses online, Hubby pointed out this one and I didn't even like it. The kitchen is red and it looked kind of weird and it is a split level. I didn't want a split level. I agreed to look at it to humor Hubby and because my parents and daycare and the school are all within 3 miles of the location. I had no idea that it would feel like home as soon as I set foot in the door and I would fall in love with it immediately. We are so blessed to have this home. 

Day 9 -- I'm thankful for my first marriage. I think it was a mistake and it should have never happened, but if I hadn't gone through it I wouldn't have my sweet babies. I learned a lot from the experience and I know somehow it led me to where I am now. 

Day 10 -- I'm thankful for my ex-husband. Again, if it weren't for him, I wouldn't have LB and DD. I learned a lot from the way he treated me. I learned the characteristics of someone I may not want to necessarily associate with and I learned what I want and deserve from my spouse. I learned about managing money and recovering from debt. What he and I went through has brought me closer to The Lord (after some major backsliding). So while I am not a fan of his by any means, I know was a significant part of the journey to getting to the place in my life where I am now. 

Day 7 of 30 Days of Thankful

Day 7 -- I am thankful for my husband on this 7th day of November, which marks the 2 year anniversary when we decided to make our relationship official...or at least realize that we both didn't want to see other people pretty much since the day we started talking.  Hubby has shown me that there are good men in the world besides my dad and that chivalry isn't dead.  If it weren't for him, I wouldn't know what it was like to be truly loved.  He's generous to a fault at times and he is amazing with our kids. I'm so incredibly lucky to have met him.

 

Post-wedding Part 1

It's been nearly 4 months since I remarried. After getting a rather random comment from someone who is writing again, I'm trying to decide if maybe things have settled down enough in my life to be able to maybe start writing regularly. And the last thing I wrote was just because I feel like I'm about to go crazy because I feel like I can't talk to anyone about it!  So let's see if I can do a summary of the last 4+ months, post wedding:

 

Marriage/Kids:  Married life has been pretty amazing. I have a supportive, helpful, attentive, caring husband who seems to still really love me and the kids.  I don't think you'd be able to tell by how I act throughout the day, though. Quite frankly, I'm exhausted all the time. And I don't feel like I get much time with my new blended family, as SS is gone half of the time with his mother and the rest of the time he and Hubby are at football practice or games. In some ways I feel like we're still separated into two families and it really gets to me sometimes. I don't feel like I get adequate time with SS, though he nows cuddles with me before he goes to bed and I get lots of kisses and hugs. I'm at the point where I love him as my own son and I want to tell him so, I just don't know how to go about it and don't want him to feel like he has to return the feelings.

 

This lack of time together also makes me quite grouchy when Hubby mentions needing "me time".  I guess it's different when he really is so busy as opposed to wanting his time when he isn't doing squat for the rest of the time. When he gets that time it truly does seem to help him in some way and when he sees me later or even calls while he's out, he an ultra-awesome husband.

 

It's really nice to not be worried about finances. The only time we cut it close is when we paid too many bills at once (because of me...whoops), but it worked out just fine. I've been building up my credit and now I can be approved for cards that have no annual fee and a higher limit.  It feels really good to be free of that part of my past.

 

Hubby really appreciates me and the things I do.  He's told me a number of times that I'm an amazing wife and would have been the perfect housewife if I didn't have to work. I don't quite understand it because that's what wives are supposed to do, but I guess when you come from previous relationships like we did, you really notice and appreciate the difference.

 

The kids are doing well.  DD started kindergarten on August 21st. She says she loves riding the bus and she loves the school work.  She talks about her friends and other than being tired and giving me attitude when she gets home, she seems to be doing a great job.  DS misses his sister during the day, but I think he really likes the extra attention he gets from my parents when they watch him and Hubby when he keeps him on Fridays. They and SS get along like brothers and sister.  I think the newness has worn off and they fight and bicker like regular siblings.  It's really fun to watch and listen to them pretend play.

 

Well, I guess I'll cut off here and continue on a new entry. I hate writing book-long entries.  Well, I don't hate writing them, but it's hard to go back and read them.  Ha. They probably end up so long because of nonsensicle rambling like this!

It's amazing what can happen in such little time

So, I started writing an update back in April (the 26th, to be exact), but it got so long (and still didn't have all the details) that I never finished it.

Here I am 3 months after my last entry...now a wife, stepmother and homeowner.

I don't even know where to start. I guess first I should say that BF/F will now be Hubby or Husband and BFS/FS will be SS (for step-son).

I think a lot of people are making assumptions and I hate having to explain myself because I shouldn't have to. Someone suspected that I was pregnant (which is not true) and a lot of people want to know what the rush is. Some people want to know why it didn't happen sooner. Some want to know why I've kept so quiet about it and think I was trying to keep it a secret. The majority of our families knew what was going on and I thought those were the people who really needed to know.

And the fact is, we've been extremely busy.

Ever since I wrote that last entry, it's been house-searching, pre-marital counseling, working, sorting and donating, wedding planning, choir practices, maintaining a healthy relationship with each other and our children, and who knows what else.

When I wrote that last entry on March 7th, we were going to go look at houses that weekend, and we did. We went the next weekend, too. And the next. That 3rd weekend was when we found THE house.

That is when things went into fast forward mode.  Neither of us thought that we'd find the house we wanted in three weeks.  Hubby had specific things he wanted and a rather low budget, so I didn't think we'd find anything that wasn't a short sale (and those can take 6 months for an easy sale!). I didn't want much except for storage within the home and 4 bedrooms so that we wouldn't have to build a 4th room, but I didn't think we'd find it with his budget and everything he wanted. I'll go into the perks and details about it later.

So we fell in love with our perfect house much sooner than we thought. We could have closed on it and moved in April, but a single mother and her two daughters lived there and we wanted to give them enough time to move out without being too stressed and without rushing all of the inspections and appraisals and such that would have to be done. We chose May 21st for our settlement date and we were going to get married at the end of the same month or beginning of June.  Hubby didn't want to have a house together and not be able to live together. So we chose May 18th as our wedding date and my mom bought us a great honeymoon for three nights at a gorgeous bed and breakfast down in Lur@y, Virgini@. The same day we got back we would close on the house and spend our first night there with the kids.

As soon as we picked our wedding date, we started an intense 6-week pre-marital counseling program with the pastor at my church.  He took a 14 chapter workbook for couples who are re-marrying and crammed it into 6 sessions.  I felt like in the beginning he didn't think that we were serious and wouldn't put in the work that he expected, but Hubby and I would do the chapters on our own, then get together and go over them together, then go over them with the pastor.  A lot of the thing brought up in the book were things we had already talked about, but it certainly didn't hurt to talk about them again. There was at least one thing that I was glad came out before we got married because I think I could have been bad if it had come out after.  By the end of the program, the pastor seemed impressed with the work we did and gave me the impression that he thought we are good for each other and really did think it all through.

My mom went dress shopping with me about 3 weeks before the wedding and we found my dress at M@cy's. I later found some great shoes online.  It was a white strapless hi-low prom dress (I think that's what they're called) and it had sequins at the top. It's not my typical style, but I loved the dress and I got it for $85! My mom said the dress-shopping experience was so much better this time than it was the first time around. I don't remember much about the first time, to be honest.

All throughout April I went to my parents' storage unit and went through a lot (but not all...argh) of my things.  I donated most of it and threw away a  bunch of things and kept some.

For the wedding decorations we decided to buy shrubs and plants that we could plant at our new house.  It actually turned out really nicely and the night before the wedding Hubby and I spent 2-3 hours arranging them so it looked like a wall of flowers.

Hubby's dad and step-mom drove up from Florida the Thursday before the wedding. They met us at our soon-to-be home so they could get a tour that same night.  The next day we went to their hotel room because they had gifts for my kids and then we had our parents-meet-the-other-parents dinner at B0b Ev@ns (I know, fancy...haha), which went really well!

Our wedding was at 11 o'clock in the morning. I had my mom curl my hair for me and all the curl fell out before I even got to the church (and that was with putting a curling mousse in beforehand and hairspray after!!!). As tacky as it may be, I dug out my veil from my first wedding and used it. The only times I thought about its origin were when I pulled it out of the preservation box and right now, so I don't feel bad about it. It was a beautiful veil and I'm glad I had the chance to use it for the right moment.

Hubby's dad and step-mom went into the sanctuary first, then my mom and DD and DS, then Hubby and SS, then my dad walked me in while everyone else sang the tune of "Here Comes the Bride". The wedding itself was quite short and went well (except DS kept pulling on my dress, asking me what the pastor was talking about, and DD went around picking up the flowers that had fallen on the floor and wanted me to hold them...but those were cute things).  Hubby's ring is white tungsten and mine is platinum, both plain bands.

And the total count of people at the wedding...  *drumroll please*  11!  Eleven!  10+1!  Me, Hubby, DD, DS, SS, my mom, my dad, his dad, his step-mom, the person who took photos, the pastor.  Super small, super simple, no drama.

After the wedding we took some photos, then headed off to our honeymoon in Lur@y, Virgini@. My parents paid for us to stay for 3 nights at a beautiful bed and breakfast inn that's tucked away on the mountain.  We took Skyl1ne Dr1ve on the way down there for the scenery and discovered on the way that we'd have practically no cell phone service.  So when it came time to call our kids we'd have to drive around, watch our cell signals like hawks and then stop in random places so we could make our calls.  The places with service were different just about every time. When we'd go back to a place that had it before, it didn't anymore.  We went to the caverns (they made an organ out of the stalagtites...best part of the whole tour!), went to the various antique and knick-knack shops in the area, had the best steak dinner ever at a restaurant in Sperryville called the Th0rnt0n Riv3r Grill, and hung out in the hot tub at the inn.  Every morning we had a gourmet home-cooked breakfast with the innkeeper and 2 other couples.  Or at least that was the first morning.  One couple was there for a night for their 1st anniversary. The other couple had eloped and gotten married there and spent 2 nights.  Every morning at 7:30 there was a carafe of fresh coffee waiting at our door.  It was such a nice trip and i hope we can return sometime in the future for our anniversary.

As soon as we got back home to reality, we went to the walk-through for the house we were buying and then went to the realtor's office for settlement. When we went to the walk-through, there were little sandbuckets and a welcome to your new home card from the seller's two little girls. It was so sweet. Settlement went very smoothly and that night we moved all the beds in and spent the first night there with the kids.

I foolishly went to work for the rest of the week. Ick.

So to answer one question...we kept it quiet and didn't make public posts online about when and where the wedding would be because of our ex-spouses. Mine has been suspiciously silent for 3 months now and I didn't want him to decide to make waves when we were under so much stress, and Hubby's ex was desperately trying to figure out the details and I was afraid she'd be so bold as to show up.  We both have had the bigger weddings before and both marriages failed, so we knew that making a big deal out of it isn't going to guarantee a successful marriage.  We were on a tight budget and didn't have a lot of money to spend on a reception or lavish wedding and wedding party. So we kept it small. I think our plan is to have a house-warming 'party' all day one Saturday so anyone who wants to can stop by and socialize however long they want. When that will be...I don't know. We're still moving and unpacking and getting a routine going.

To answer another question...I'm not pregnant and it wasn't even an issue.

The house a 4 level split with 3 bedrooms and 1 full bathroom. We were concerned that 1 bathroom for 5 people will be horrible, but so far is isn't so bad...or at least I don't think it is.  Hubby seems to think it's worse than I do.  We have a paved driveway and the front yard is full of trees with bird houses in random places.  There is a shed next to the house that could be a garage for a couple small cars, but Hubby keeps his motorcycle and boat and bicycle in there right now. There are rose bushes right in front of the big window of the living room and Hubby planted several lantana plants (which are cute little pink, orange and yellow flowers...we had them as decorations for the wedding) out front.  The back yard is big and fenced in and the seller allowed us to keep the playset that they had. There is also a shed out back which houses the riding and push mowers and some gardening tools. There is a firepit off to the side with seats made out of logs and tree stumps. We have a fruit tree of some kind back there (pawpaw???) and wild strawberries and honeysuckle and some other kinds of berries. We planted some other plants that we had at the wedding right along the back of the house: 3 blue hydrangea bushes that bloom from spring to fall and are turing pink, 2 white rhododendrons, and a pink azalea that my mom/kids gave me for mother's day this year. We also have two barrel planters full of begonias and another planter with a mix of flowers that I can't name.

Did I ever mention that Hubby's job is gardening?  I guarantee you that all of those plants would be dead by now or I'd still be trying to plant them if I did it myself. He pulled up two huge bushes so we could plant all those little ones. What probably would have taken me 2 weeks to complete took him what probably would have been less than a day at work total.

The main level of the house has the living room, kitchen, and dining room. Upstairs are the three bedrooms (Hubby and I get one, DS and SS share one, DD gets her own) and bathroom. Downstairs is the wood stove and another living room that we use as the play room and a sunroom that we plan to turn into another bedroom with a bathroom and walk-in closet. The laundry is done in the basement, which is where my kitties have their necessity stuff. We also have attic space that we don't use.

Everyone loves the house.  DD is already talking about how she wants it when she's older (scary thought).  DS loves it so much that he doesn't want to leave.  I thought it felt like home before it was even ours (which is a huge deal because when I got married the first time and owned a house, it NEVER felt like home!), as did Hubby.  SS talks about how he likes it, too, though he's only there 4 nights per week right now. The cats are comfortable there, too. I'm glad that they can finally run around and have daily interaction with people instead of being holed up in the basement like they were when I lived with my parents.  My tuxedo cat had put on a lot of weight while he was there and has since lost a bit of weight after the move.

I think this is where I will close. It's taken me three days to write this and I don't really feel like going back and fixing any typos (though I seem to miss them all when I do go back and edit). I don't know when I'll write again, as I don't get a lot of time to sit down and do this type of thing anymore. Maybe once we have a routine going I'll be able to make some time.

In short: life feels absolutely amazing right now, I'm blessed far beyond what I deserve and I don't know why, Hubby is a wonderful husband, and I wouldn't change a thing right now!

So until next time...au revoir.

Semi-plans

I feel like writing today.

I don't think I finished telling the story about our trip. There isn't too much else to tell, I don't think. FS was feeling bad that Saturday and we all ended lazing around the house while he slept most of the day. The trip ended up being more relaxing than I thought it would be.

We're going tubing this Saturday since couldn't go that weekend.

Anyway, it turned out that FS wasn't feeling well due to strep. So it was expected that a couple days later me and F (I wrote BF first...I'm not used to this!!) and my two kids were all feeling terrible. That Tuesday I took off work and me and the kids had appointments with our doctors. My mom had to drive us to the one for the kids because I was feeling so bad I could hardly function. F had his appointment over an hour before mine, so I went with him to his and then he drove me to mine and then to the pharmacy to get all of the prescriptions filled.

I don't think my throat has ever felt so bad in my entire life. It didn't even hurt nearly that badly when I had strep a back in November/December.

We're all well now, though, thank God.

Let's see...I got another raise at work a few weeks ago. I was so ready to start looking for apartments. The date I was going to start my serious search was March 1, so F squeezed his proposal right in there. I'm kind of relieved that I don't have to look now.

We've been looking at houses nearby and Sunday we're going to go see some.

We've also been looking into wedding bands. It was when we first started pricing them that he told me that my ring is platinum. That didn't mean much to me until he said he wanted our wedding rings to be the same metal and it turns out to be more expensive than gold! I compared the color of my ring to the white gold ring my sister-in-law has and it looked identical to me, so I told I'm that I didn't care if the rings were another kind of white metal. It would save us a little money and no one would know the difference. He said he would know, though, so I think we may still get the more expensive ones. Where this money coming from is beyond me...the money I've saved is supposed to go toward a down payment on a house.

I'm pretty sure our wedding is going to be very small. I mean, super duper small. As in: whoever is officiating, his dad and step-mom, my dad and mom, FS, DD, DS, and a photographer. And we're thinking we'll do it in a park. And then right after, head out on our honeymoon, which has not been chosen yet.

I think we'll be married sometime this year. He said something about the fall, but he keeps joking about the summer.

I don't think reality has fully hit me yet. He's getting giddy with excitement and I'm still pretty cool calm and collected...though earlier today I thought about how we're going to looking at houses in a few days and I felt the first flutters of excitement in my chest.

On a happier note...

Supervised visitation is no more.  Or at least the way we've been doing it, it's no more. The lady who has been supervising got pretty upset with X when he didn't show that week and after she called and left him numerous messages and never got to talk to him, she decided it had been long enough and that he's unmotivated and we're out of their jurisdiction now, so they weren't going to do it anymore.  She said that we're smart enough to figure something out on our own.

So last Monday was the last one.  I'm kind of glad that I got to take them up there for it because I had the opportunity to say goodbye and thank her for everything she did for us.

Guess how soon I heard from X about arranging something else?

...I'm still waiting to hear from him. That boggles BF's mind because he said if it were him, he would have called the next day, if not that same night. I've tried to explain to him that this is the way it has always been. I'm curious how long it will be before I do hear from him. Then I have the thought that maybe it's my responsibility to try to set things up. But my part of the situation is ideal. I don't want to change anything. So I keep telling myself that if he really wants to see them and he really wants something to change, then HE needs to initiate and reach out to make something happen.

I'll work with him. He knows this from our meeting a few weeks ago. But if he thinks I'll switch to unsupervised, he's lost his mind.

Regarding those last few entries again...

BF and I talked a lot about stuff last night and some time during the week we talked about the whole engagement/marriage thing. I tried to put my feelings in a way that he would understand by saying it's like if I were to agree to move in with him and say I was doing things to get ready to move it, but not telling him what I'm doing. Then keep saying the same things over and over...yes, I'm getting ready to move in, I just can't do it yet...there are things holding me up, but I'm working on them. No visible evidence that would show that I'm actually doing something about it, just what I say. Then 6 months go by and I still haven't moved in. I know he would be really frustrated and hound me about what's taking so long or he would think I'm lying and I really don't want to move in at all.

I think he finally got it and hasn't brought up anything since.

And while I complain a lot (these blogs I keep tend to be for venting, since I feel like I have no one to talk to about these things), I do love him dearly. I get frustrated and a little emotionally hurt, but I still can't imagine spending my life with anyone else. And the hurt and frustration are nothing compared to the other good feelings I have the rest of the time.

And if I spend the rest of my life dating him, I'm okay with that. I don't think I've ever been this happy in my entire life.  Well, besides the days my children were born. I was so happy I cried on those days. But as a whole, even having been through what I have been through and not being in an ideal living situation, I'm so happy with BF and BFS and my kiddos and I don't want to lose any of it if it meant that I would lose any of them.

So if he wants to propose, he will do it when he's ready to.

Until that happens, I will continue to enjoy what we do have because it is amazing and I wouldn't trade it for the world.

Consistently inconsistent

I should get extra points for being consistently inconsistent. As much as I want to update on a regular basis, I never do. I think about it a couple times per week, but I don't feel like I have anything important enough to say.

The same feelings I had in the last real entry I wrote are still there. Not the borderline mental, medication-induced feelings that I didn't realize were affecting others.

People keep asking me about when I'm going to get engaged.  I just shrug my shoulders or throw my hands up in the air or just give them the good ol' "I don't know".

I almost feel like this is a form of emotional torture.

Nearly every day there's mention of living together, "When we get married...", "things will be changing soon...", questions of what kind of wedding I'd want, etc.

As far as I'm concerned, there's no wedding to plan for. No house to look for. For me, it's IF we get married.

I feel like a spoiled brat, getting in a bad mood because it hasn't happened yet and he's making me hope for it so badly.

He says in his head we're already married. I think I've mentioned that before. The reality is, again, that we are not. We're not even on the road to getting married.

This has been going on for months now.

My mom mentioned the other night that she thought for sure it would have happened before the new year. She thinks he's just afraid. He and I have talked about it before and he says he's not.

The thing is, it's been so long of hearing it that I'm starting to not believe him.

My first thought when he says how much he misses me or how much he wishes we were living together already or he can't wait until the day we are married is "Yeah, right".

That's not normal.  *frowny face*

Actions speak louder than words...and all there is is words.  Lots of them.  Lots of the same words. Sounds coming out of his mouth.

I've told him that I don't believe him sometimes.

I don't know who is the one who is abnormal, here.  Me or him. It has me frustrated to the point of tears. I feel like I'm doing something wrong.

I thought if someone wanted something that badly, they would get it as soon as they could. I also thought that men typically kept these things to themselves until the day it happens...I mean, I have prior experience with that part.

I'm just going to take a moment...  p98y t4 saeu,sam4 m,.tmn,zdf.vbmc qer

I feel a little better now.

In other news, my kids are 3 and 5 years old now.  I had some nice cuddle time with DD before she went to bed this evening. They are both jigsaw puzzle lovers and are constantly putting them together. They also play really well together and it's cute to hear them pretending to play house. They also know how to fight like professionals.

There have been some custody/visitation issues. My mom won't take the kids to visitation anymore, so I have to start leaving work early every Monday. So no more date night for me and BF. X has been bad about making it to visitation.  He has cancelled quite a bit over the last couple of months and the last scheduled one, he didn't even show. The people who supervise want to close our case. I did meet up with him outside of normal visitation so he could see the kids and give them birthday/Christmas gifts. BF came with me, of course. That was a little uncomfortable.

BF wants to talk now, so I guess I'll close. Maybe I'll write more tomorrow...probably not.

Fifth time's a charm

I don't know how many times I've sat down at the computer, typed out an entire entry, then ended up deleting the while thing and walked away. I think I've done it at least 4 times.  Hopefully this doesn't turn into the fifth. Haha!

So many things have been going on that I just don't feel like I've written enough when I do write.  I don't know why I feel like I have to fully disclose everything.  I guess I like to look back and re-read these things from time to time, but I don't think there would be anything important that I absolutely have a to have included.

Actually, there are two things: we celebrated DS's third birthday at the end of October and my and BF's first exclusive dating anniversary.

I can't believe DS is 3 years old. It feels like he was just born yesterday, and now he's a walking, talking, master jigsaw puzzle solving, alphabet reciting, singing, block building, counting, almost preschooler.  Last year he didn't do much of anything of those things.  He has grown so much.  And he's such a sweet little guy.  He's a cuddler, for sure. If he spots me sitting down, he has to sit on my lap.  When I pick him up from daycare or come home after work, he immediately runs up to me and grabs my legs and nuzzles his face into them.

I'm really glad BF has gotten to see him grow in this way. When we're all out together in public, he looks like he could be their father...though not in looks.  But the way they cling to him and he takes charge in looking after them, it could easily be mistaken. If someone asks, he is quick to point out that BFS is his own and the other two are mine.

It's so awkward, but I guess that's what you're supposed to do.

I haven't seen BFS all that much, but I feel like we made some great strides a few days ago during family night.  BF and I spent the day together for our anniversary and then picked up BFS from the bus stop and then my kids from daycare. Then we all went to the grocery store to pick up dinner items and BFS held my hand for the first time!  And sometimes he'd grab my arm and rest his head against it.  I thought my heart was going to explode, it was so touching and I felt so close to him just in that moment.

So despite not spending a lot of time with him, maybe 3 hours a week, we're making progress.

Speaking of progress...BF has been talking marriage a lot lately.  He said he was looking at rings and he keeps asking me about wedding plans and picking a warmer anniversary date. I still struggle with talking about future plans when at this point it's not a guarantee that we have anything to plan for.  Granted, even when we are engaged it's not a guarantee, but it's certainly more likely to happen. Yesterday he said he can't wait until I'm his wife, and I wanted to say, "THAT'S WHAT AN ENGAGED MAN WOULD SAY TO HIS FIANCEE!!!"  But I didn't.  Because I'm not psycho and I don't want to push him into something before he's ready.  Though I don't think I'd really be pushing...but if it's what he wanted now, you'd think it would already be done. Does that make sense?

I honestly think that in his head we're already engaged.  I think if he could, he'd skip that whole part and just get married right away.

I guess that's a good thing.  I thought it was usually women who thought that way, but he has certainly made it clear that he is more than ready and super excited to move onto that part of our lives together.

I think I'm officially meeting his mom next weekend. That randomly came up when we talked last night. I'm thinking that's the thing he's been waiting for before we do move forward.

So I have a gut feeling that there could be some exciting news to be shared in the near future, though I'm not going to try to predict when.

I guess that's all for now.  I think I'll actually post this one!

Until next time...

I survived

Well, I finally realized that certain things didn't work on that last template I used.  I tried to change to something else, but blogger wouldn't accept the code.  So I'll just stick to a pre-made one already on here that I know will work.

I survived the reunion weekend!  We left Friday right after work and drove up to Pittsburgh.  BFS is a good traveler.  Anyway, after some traffic and nearly going to the wrong hotel, we finally got to our destination at about 10:30 pm.  I met his dad and step-mom that evening.  It was pretty brief, so shortly thereafter we retired to our rooms and went to bed.

Next day we had brunch with his parents and then headed to the reunion.  BF said there would only be 30 or so people there, but I think it was more like 50!  He didn't really know anyone, so we pal-ed around together the entire time and spent some more time talking to his parents (thus, I got to know them a bit better).

There was lots of stuff to do there.  There was fishing, horseshoes and some other games, horsey rides for the kids, lots of food and drinks...and there was more, but for the life of me, I can't remember what it is.  BFS had a mental checklist of things he wanted to do while he was there.  It was kind of cute and I'm pretty sure he did all of it.

After that, we had dinner/dessert with his parents and then retired to bed.

Sunday, we had breakfast with his parents and then headed home.  BF had to drop BFS off with his ex, then he came back over for game night with my parents.

He said that his parents like me and they both have the same good feeling about me.  That is such a hugely humongous-ly gigantic relief!  I liked them, too.  They were very nice and welcoming and I enjoyed talking to them.  They told me that they expected me to come down and visit with BF and BFS if they come down during the winter (ahhhhh!!!).

Even though we spent just about every second of 48 hours together, I felt like it had just been another trip to work.  I don't know if that made sense.  It didn't feel like we actually saw each other as much as we did.  Maybe it's because we were so busy the entire time.  He said he felt the same way.  I don't know if that's a good or bad thing.  I guess it's good...it's better than feeling like the weekend dragged on and we got sick of each other.

We've actually seen each other every day for over two weeks now.  And not just for 5 minutes.  I just doesn't feel like that much.

Last night we went to a local baseball game together (our team won and they had fantastic fireworks afterwards!) and today it feels like I didn't even see him.

He's been talking about wedding stuff and houses lately.  He showed me a house that he wants in WV and he wanted to know if I liked it.  I am so close to grabbing his face in my hands and making him look me in the eye while I tell him, "You're thinking about this all out of order!!!!!"

I can't make him propose, but I feel like that needs to happen before I even toy with the idea of anything else.

And funny enough, he was talking about a cruise wedding and yesterday I get something in the mail for the first time from a major cruise line.

All of this is still so exciting and scary and somehow depressing.

Oh well.

In other news, I've been keeping up with my walking/running.  I ran before work yesterday and one of my feet went numb.  I googled it and it looks like when people have this problem it because of their shoes or socks.  I haven't tightened the laces on my shoes since I got them and I know they're broken in by now.  So I hope it's just because it was already 80 degrees outside so my feet probably swelled a little and my sock had gotten messed up.

I'm being beckoned by my mother.  Later!

Time is ticking away

I have been so incredibly tired lately.  It started last week and it has slowly gotten worse and worse.  I think I'm just not catching up on my sleep.  I get 6 hours or less of sleep on week nights and 2 sleep in days on the weekend, but I'm up late for one of those nights...and I'm up late on Monday.

I turn 28 next Thursday.  Ugh...I can't believe I'm that old.  BF had me take off one day next week so we can do something for my birthday, but he won't tell me what we'll be doing.  With the little bit of information he gave me, I have an idea of what I think it is, but I'm not telling!

His birthday is a little over 2 weeks later and I have no idea what to do.  I'm getting pretty anxious about it.  I don't know if my mom will keep letting me take a day off work and the kids, especially since less than a week after his birthday, I'll be gone for one or two nights for that reunion.

The reunion is less than a month away now.  Ahhhhh!

And his mom is pressuring him about meeting me and I think that will be happening soon.  Ahhhhh!

He's moving with G-ma as of next Saturday.  I'm not going into how she's related to him.  It's too messy and some people will probably think it's kind of weird because they don't know the kind of relationship he has with that family.  He said it's because he wants to save money for what it's our time.

I don't know exactly what he means.  I don't know if he means saving for a ring, or a down payment on a house, or something else I'm missing.

He did say he has a plan, though he didn't tell me what the plan is.  All he told me is that G-ma keeps asking him when we're going to get hitched and he told her that he wanted to date me for at least a year.  Our first date was at the end of October...that's not that far away.

I do feel a little better knowing that there's more time, though.  I freak myself out thinking about these things.

I hate being afraid to make a commitment like that again.  I have no doubt that I would be happy with him for the rest of my life.  We are compatible in more ways than not, I think, and in the ways we're different, we complete each other.

That sounds really cheesy.

But I can't help but wonder if the things that have come up to make us take things slowly maybe aren't there to force or remind us to take our time, but maybe to make sure we never get there because it's not supposed to happen?

Or my worst fear is that it finally sinks in that I'm not as great as he thinks I am.

I know this is anxiety talking.  I'm thankful for this 4 month or so buffer I still have to get my brain in gear so I can stop worrying so much.

My mom keeps saying that I need to get him saved before anything happens because that's what God wants.  I'm struggling with it.

I think it's kind of hypocritical because she married my dad when he wasn't saved but she was.

He knows how important that part of my life is to me.  He knows that's why I won't live with him now or why I think it's so important to save sex for marriage.  He came to a few Bible studies with me and actually enjoyed it.  We had good conversation about the lessons and we've even had discussions about things on our own and I know it has had him thinking.  He's on the right path in his life...he has the right heart, it's obvious.

But to tell him that he has to be a Christian before we can take that next step...I feel like I'd be trying to force him into doing something that he isn't ready to do or maybe doesn't want to.  I don't want him to do something just to get what he wants or because he thinks it'll make me happy.  If he's going to do that, it needs to be because it's what he's led to do.  I feel like the most I can do is reiterate how important my relationship with God is to me and to ask that he just support me in it the best that he can and whatever happens, happens.

Is that wrong?

We still have who knows how long before the next step is taken, if it even happens and anything can happen in that amount of time.

Oh how I wish I had all the answers.