Convictions

My bad start to this daily updating routine continues. Oops. Baby steps.

I spent most of my weekend doing overtime, so it doesn't feel like I really had a weekend. I woke up this morning and didn't know why my alarm was sounding so early. I had to find out what day it was before I realized that I was supposed to go to work.

First world problems.

My Sunday School class has been doing a study to read through the Bible in a year. I haven't kept up with my reading, though I haven't not read either. I can come up with as many excuses as I'd like, but nothing can really excuse me from doing it. Adding an extra 10 work hours to my week made me realize that I do have the time to do my daily reading. I think I also have the time to catch up on my reading. So that is what I'm going to work on.

Yesterday the ladies at church finished up a Bible study about the importance of the Sabbath and practicing "Shabbat". I think I spelled that correctly. I didn't keep up with the workbook as we met for our study (see a pattern here?), but it's such an in-depth study that I didn't want to rush through it just to say I kept up.

I think taking some time out of my day or week to clear my head, regroup, fix my focus back on God is going to be awesome. I should have already started, but I guess if it was so easy there wouldn't be a study to help us do it.

While I'm on the subject of convictions, all the hoopla of gay marriage and the supreme court and people placing judgment on others had me thinking.

First I was thinking about whether or not I have judged those who are LGBT. I don't think I have. I don't agree with the lifestyle. I don't think it's right. On the same token I don't think I've ever shown hatred or thought someone was a bad person just because that is the lifestyle he/she lives.

In fact, I've had at least one person who lives that lifestyle judge me because I am a Christian.

But in all this I realized that I have been judging Hubby's best friend because of bad choices he's made in his marriage. I've been judging him because it hits too close to home. I have been purposefully avoiding him. He would come over to our house, I would disappear. Hubby was going somewhere and he would be there? I'm not going. I have talked Hubby out of inviting him and his wife over for dinner. We planned a camping trip and when I found out that there was a good chance that he could be there, I told Hubby that he needs to find a different campground.

I would like to note that I haven't demanded that Hubby avoid him. Just myself. 

Anyway...

I had been thinking about how I treat people and realized that I have not been treating him the way I should be. Jesus, the One who I am supposed to be representing and striving to be like, would not treat someone this way. He would be spending time with him.

After I realized this I had to have the difficult talk with Hubby where I would admit that I was wrong. He's been giving me a hard time about this for a couple years, so he enjoyed my confession a little too much. He has left me alone since, though.

The final step would be to apologize to his friend and his wife for my behavior. I'm not sure I'm big enough yet to do that. We'll be going to the campground in August, so maybe by then I will feel more courageous and apologize if we see them there. I'm sure I deserve whatever response I would receive, but I don't know if I would take it well if it were negative.

I think if I can work on these one thing at a time, I'll be doing alright.

Start of daily postings?!

I've decided I want to try to write here daily.

Ha!

No, really...I'm going to try. Even if it's a goofy little quiz or a novel-long rant, I'm going to attempt it. Maybe I'll have a different theme for every day? For example: Mondays are about work, Tuesdays about Family, Wednesdays are about our Down Sydrome journey (although it's pretty uneventful at the moment), etc.

I wrote this yesterday and forgot to publish it. I'm off to a great start. 

In any case, I'll do a mishmash update now.

Dudely Dude is still doing great.

Hubby and I are doing great.

His job is going great.

My job is going great.

Just about everything is so...great.

It truly is.

I've been teleworking 3 days per week since the end of January. I also received a raise shortly after returning to work after my maternity leave and I've been authorized for some overtime for the last 3 weeks until who knows when. Hubby just accepted a job offer to be a supervisor at his work and his start date is this coming Sunday.

Hubby and I are on the same page now regarding the newest little one. He is glad he is here and says he loves him with all of his heart. Sometimes I don't see it because he doesn't interact or participate much in his care, but I remember he is a male and males can be different when it comes to children. I do see him playing or cuddling with him every once in a while and it is absolutely endearing.

We celebrated our second wedding anniversary about a month and a half ago. I can't believe it has been that long already. Despite all the rough stuff we have been through we still seem to be pretty nuts about each other. There are a lot of little things we still do that keep us connected on a deeper level, I think, like going to bed together every night and honoring our date night every Friday at home. He's still attracted to me and he still gives me butterflies.

Dudely is packing on weight now. He actually gets a big old pot belly after he eats and he's starting to sport the "detachable hands" look, as I call it. You know, that big crease some babies have on their wrists from all the chub.

Because of the additional income we're going to have we are look into adding onto our house or moving. I would much rather do the addition because I don't like moving and I like our house. We've also done some improvements to it that I don't want to leave behind. We had the wood floor on the entry level refinished, painted the kitchen and bought a new lighting fixture (not yet installed...waiting until we paint the ceiling), and we got all new kitchen appliances. It would be nice to move into a newer house with more bedrooms and maybe an extra bathroom that doesn't have monstrous spiders lurking around, but that's not worth the move for me.

I had what I think it my last visit with my therapist yesterday. She seems to think I can manage my anxiety on my own now. She said I taught her a lot about courage. I was like, "Courage? Me?" She said not many people would have made the decision I did about my baby (true) and I did a great job standing up to my husband in a gentle way and sticking my values. She thanked me. That made me feel pretty good. I had never thought I was courageous during that time.

All in all, things have been pretty spectacular around here. I think the only issue has been with BB's custody, but even then it hasn't been terrible-just stressful.

I'll try to update again tomorrow. I don't know what it will be about. I won't be home much and I'll have overtime to squeeze in, so it'll probably be very short. That's a plus!

So until next time...

My little superhero

I don't know how many times I've come on here and started writing or editing a draft I had already started, but some of it just doesn't matter anymore.

They were updates on Dudely and how he's doing, but he is now 1 week post open heart surgery and none of that matters anymore.

He is doing great. We had been told that he would be in the hospital for 10-14 days and because of his Down Syndrome he was more likely to have more complications.

Well, they were wrong.  He was discharged on day five and other than the scabs, tape, and stitches on his chest you wouldn't even know he had just had such a major surgery. I am so proud of my little boy.

I already notice some positive differences since his heart was fixed.  He doesn't sweat every time he nurses. He doesn't fall asleep as much when he nurses. He likes to play longer, even with limitations on what he is allowed to do. I can't wait to see the other changes after he is fully recovered.

He is on a diuretic to prevent fluid build-up in his chest. We have tylenol and oxycodone handy for pain, but he hadn't needed it. 

This whole situation just proves God's power and goodness and that you can't make assumptions about Down Syndrome.

I wish everyone could see it and believe it.

Need a bigger plate

Things have been a little crazy here lately. 

Do I say that every time I actually post something?

I have at least two completely different posts stuck in draft mode just because things are happening so fast that I can't keep up. I don't know if it's worth rehashing everything or just skipping to what's going on now. 

Dudely is over 5 months old now. He will be having his open heart surgery in a little over a month. The cardiologist says he's an excellent candidate for the surgery. He's happy and healthy as far as I can tell, but he hasn't grown much in the last couple of months. I mean, he is learning new things and developing that way, but he's physically about the same size as he was 2 months ago. I hope it's just because of his heart and he will grow faster after he recovers from surgery. 

Hubby finally had his court date on Wednesday and things are pretty much the same except changes were made that would allow us to have some peace and quiet. BB will be going back to church (and it will be the one I attend, which I think is great!) and she has to go to therapy. I think maybe now my brain will settle down and I won't be posting those little short bursts of an entry just to get something off my chest. 

We're going to attempt to start the adoption process soon for DD and LB, which will mean that I have to contact X for the first time in almost a year and a half. I have no idea how he will react. I have a really hard time believing that he could possibly care about them after no contact whatsoever for so long. 

They're starting a crochet club of sorts at church that I want to join. I'm not sure I can keep up with it, though. There's also a bible study I want to do and we've been going to Bible study on Wednesday nights and I'm still leading the choir and I have a secret sister who I'm sure feels neglected...

I'm trying to make it to at least all of BB's baseball games with the kids. It seems like he's going to have two per week for the next couple of months. 

Why on earth do I keep adding more to my plate? This isn't like me at all.

I can't tell if I really have a lot going on or if I just feel like I do and I'm being overly dramatic. 

Oh kay

Today she showed up at our house uninvited and called the police when I wouldn't open the door. 

Man, I am winning at life. 

Every woman's fear

Yesterday Hubby's ex-wife (did I call her Exhibit A before?) told him in many more inappropriate and vulgar words that they should get back together. 

Part of me wants to rip into her, but the better part of me feels like it doesn't even deserve acknowledgement from either of us.

I cannot wait to talk with my therapist this afternoon. It makes me sick to my stomach. 

ASMR

So I wanted to talk about this glorious thing I discovered about a year ago called ASMR. 

It's something that is a bit out of the ordinary for me to look into or talk about, but some things make more sense now that I know about it and it is a powerful sleep aid for me. 

For as long as I can remember, I have enjoyed certain sounds: the crinkling of paper (specifically when someone has written on it and it becomes debossed), shoes clicking on the floor or crunching on gravel, tapping noises, certain sounds made by different accents, typing so a keyboard, the sound of a pencil or pen tapping on the table as someone writes, the sound of someone cutting hair and the shears and comb clicking together, chewing gum sounds (sometimes), etc. 

They're all sounds I tried to replicate, but it's just not the same as when some else makes the sounds. 

I have a physical reaction to these sounds as well as sometimes when someone does something for me (like when my team leader at work came up to drop off my pend report on my desk). I can't describe it. I get a funny sensation in the back of my head and neck and sometimes it radiates into my throat and jaw. I also tend to feel it in my hands and sometimes in my back. It almost tickles. It feels pretty good and I can't predict when it's going to happen. I never knew what it was and didn't pay much attention to it. 

Then about a year ago, I saw a link to an article in the sidebar of f@c3b00k that had a description that caught my eye. I clicked it, thinking it was weird and I couldn't believe people experienced something like that. As I read on, the description fit me to a T and other people experienced the same "tingles" as I do. 

Come to find out, there are thousands of videos on the Internet that are made just to make people feel those sensations. 

At first I felt like it was wrong. Maybe because someone likened it to a "brain orgasm". I was so fascinated by it, though, that I kept watching the videos. Actually, I would start the videos, then lock the screen on my phone so I could just listen to the audio. 

It relaxes me so much that I fall asleep within minutes. During nights when I feel wide awake when I go to bed or can't fall asleep because I can't shut my brain off, I will pop my headphones in, start listening to a video, and be asleep in no time. As a bonus, I almost always make it through the night without waking up. 

I used it this morning when I was about to walk out the door to go to work, then found out that I could telework and as a result has almost 2 more hours to sleep. I was wide awake and decided to turn on one of my go-to videos for sleep. The video is 40 minutes long and up until this morning I never stayed awake for even 5 minutes of it. I think this morning I listened to 15-20 minutes. 

I wish I had known about this years ago. I have had sleeping problems for so long up until now. 

I talked to my therapist about it and she said she had never heard of it, but thought it sounded like a good thing for me. Then she told me it sounds like I'm a synesthete. 

I guess that's my ASMR story.  My next update should be about Dudelydoo.